Someone told me she will read the blog, not to learn of magick, but of the magician. Why does he do this she asks? I quote Huston Smith, The World's Religions, "Religion alive confronts the individual with the most momentous option life can present. It calls the soul to the highest adventure it can undertake, a proposed journey across the jungles, peaks, and deserts of the human spirit. The call is to confront reality, to master the self. Those who dare to hear and follow that secret call soon learn the dangers and difficulties of its lonely journey."
In my mind, I do this because I have no choice. The first time someone claimed to be a magician in my presence my first thought was, "He is full of it." My second thought, "If he isn't, I can find out if God exists." I haven't let up since. I have performed magick poorly. I was afraid each time I did a basic banishing ritual for 20 years but I did them. Seeking the divine in magick have been the consistent project in my adult life.
If I didn't do it this way, I'd likely be a Hindu Yogi or a Buddhist.
I think the negative aspect of my psychology that drives this is the need for divine acceptance. I don't want to die, face the Creator and have to hang my head due to lack of effort. I do not like this part of me but I own it. The rest is much more positive. We are all divine. Some of us just seek a more tangible realization of it than others.
I would have thought that the end game was Knowledge and Conversation with my HGA but it isn't. While a life changing experience, it wass more of a beginning than an end -- twenty years of rushing to the starting line!
Does that explain why I do it? Probably not. Perhaps the best way is to simply state, I seek to be one with God. A unity so complete that I feel compassion, not anger, hope, not despair, live my intent, rather than wander from false pleasure to false pleasure. I seek a unity so clear that I have the words to heal the troubled heart of a stranger, to sooth the pain the survivor, to light the way for all those that sincerely seek the divine in all its forms. I may never possess such things but that is why.
I do not even have the personality for these things as I am usually pretty gruff. But when it comes to work like this, I only have to inspire one person to seek something higher, lift only one seeker on more step, make one adept. If I can do that for two, wow, all the better.