Sunday, April 29, 2018

Impossible Paths

Dear What Few Readers I Have Left,

Thursday marked a new beginning. 

I strongly believe that it is up to you to find your truth regardless of how others perceive their own truths. Teachers are great. They are usually sincere and relay their truths but they are not always correct within the universe of their students. The same can be said for books, spirits, and your friends. Truth is an odd thing. You rarely find the reality by looking for it and you never find it believing in someone else’s version. In my case, I simply led my life and found myself in the middle of my truth. 

Let me first state this is my truth about this particular topic. It is not the answer to life, the universe and everything. 

Wednesday night, I found myself in that odd waking/dream state where I was fully conscious but also fully optical. This was not a lucid dream but more of a dream that occurred when fully awake, a vision, if you will, but more on the lines of 'unusual otherworldly experience'.

I was surrounded by many small animals with sharp teeth. My wife was petting a dog whose hair stood up as if attached to scales that flipped up when he was defensive or aggressive. There were other creatures, small ferrets, rabbits, and a host of other animals with rows and rows of sharp teeth not characteristic of their breeds. I was curious but not afraid.

Relying on my old CM ways, I drew a banishing pentagram of earth. The scene changed to an African safari. There were lots of normal looking herbivores about. Unlike the last scene, which was pure darkness except for the animals, this was brightly lit. 

I then mentally drew a banishing pentagram around myself as I lay in bed. Immediately, an angel appeared in a tree. It showed me how to pair opposites into a unifying response to the world. The important part wasn't that the message. It is that I listened to it without judgement or rejection. This allowed for the angel to tell me this. "Study the Lovers Card."

I woke up the next day and contemplated the The Lovers. She is about the universe of opposites and sits on the path between Tipereth and Binah. Combine that with the path of the Chariot and you wind up in the exalted grade of 8=3, Magister Templi.

I have been told that even 6=5 (Adeptus Major) and 7=4 (Adeptus Exemptus) were mythical and given out only as an honorific. Surely, I am not a 6=5 and definitely not a 7=4. I looked at the cards leading to 7=4 and causally noted that I had recently had experiences of all the paths leading to Chesed, the qabalistic sphere of the grade. Either I had walked the path of the Serpent of Brass, having all of the experiences but none of the spiritual understanding, or I had done much more than I had thought. 

Immediately, I entered a mystic state. I walked the Halls of Jupiter, flew into Heaven (so peaceful that it borders on the boring), and saw Ganesha. The lesson, though no words were spoken, was self-love. I fully, at least in those moments, loved myself as I love my dear friends. Seeing any faults as part of a tapestry yet holding no judgments whatsoever. I learned that the judgement of others starts with the judgment of the self. To ascend to a state of love one must love oneself fully. I accepted this without false modesty and without arguing that self-love is arrogance. I am worthy of my own love.

I became aware that my hands had fallen into a mudra of self-love. I have no idea if this would be sanctioned by those that know the mudras well. I simply know it is my mudra. I changed my hand positions and felt a tangible change of energy with each one. Fascinating.  As I experimented with hand positions, I looked down at my hand and found it stained blue, the color of Chesed. This was one of the strongest confirmations I have ever had. This was early morning (note the pajama pants). I had touched nothing that would have stained my hand. 



All opposites are unified by love. 

With this knowledge I seek to

  • Make self-love real in my everyday experience and let that manifest into purity of heart. This, I hypothesize, is the path of the Lovers. 
  • Walk the watery path of the Chariot, whatever that entails. 
  • Know that I already am that which I am 

In LVX,

Robert









Thursday, February 15, 2018

Dream Symbolism of the HGA

The Holy Guardian Angel is a well-known concept in the Western Esoteric Tradition. I am not going to expound much on what it is. The HGA is an intermediate being between your born self and your
immortal soul. He or she teaches you how to contact your immortal self.

Over the years I have had dreams where I woke up knowing I was seeing either my HGA in disguise or receiving a message from him. Please note, I use the term him because I know my HGA. I have met him and could easily recognize him in any chance encounter on the street.

My first encounters with my HGA were of him disguised as a police officer. In these dreams, he was
telling me not to do something, literally stopping me from doing something or I stopped doing whatever I was doing because I saw a cop. That something always had an immediate and obvious coorelation to my life. It took me a while but I started to heed the warnings.

I believe that the authority figure motiff occurs because living a life in alignment with one’s soul is easy if you stop doing things that take you out of that life. These are not necessarily moral decisions. He stopped me from doing perfectly socially acceptable things that were not in alignment with my soul.

Often, the behaviors we must stop are things that we think impact our survival but do not. Other times, we have to stop doing things that lead to a false life. For example, someone with the soul of an artist studying to be an accountant to please her father.

These dreams evolved until that same police officer protected me from things in my dreams. The
analogies here were not as obvious. On some occasssions, the threat in my normal life became obvious.

On very rare occassions, the image of the authority figure would change. He appeared as a high school teacher, a Catholic priest, and I think once as a doorman telling me that I could not enter a building. I am sure there were other forms.

At some point the figure changed. He became the pope. Yes that pope. This was not a Discordian
experience. There was always a gatekeeper. She was the Pope’s secretary sitting at a desk outside his
office. In these dreams, my Catholic sister, would always know the gatekeeper and be let in. I had to
wait. Sometimes, I walked in. I have no recollection of what happens then. I viewed these dream as the pope being representive of my highest soul, not my HGA.  Perhaps, my sister’s appearance means that I have to be religious about things. Maybe, I am supposed to get to know the gatekeeper. I have not pieced that together yet.

The inspiration for this post came last night. In last night’s dream, I was the cop. In the same way, I know that the other dreams were of my HGA, I know that in this dream I was someone’s HGA. The most likely interpretation was that someone in my real life is looking at me as an HGA figure. The less likely intrepretation is that in the future, I will evolve to the point that I will be someone’s HGA. It seems a bit soon for that. Another unlikely interpretation is that in another alternative reality, I have already

Friday, January 19, 2018

A Lesser Key Spirit Amuses

I seem to have the blogging bug again. The problem is the nature of my work at this time feels
unpublishable. I do not want to reveal the magick that I am doing. In fact, the magick screams ͞No!͟ at
the idea of blogging about it. I do not want to teach via a blog. So today, I am going to share an amusing story.

I conjured one of the Lesser Key spirits the other day. To an outside observer, my method is simply
looking at the seal of said spirit. It is a bit more complicated than that. I asked the daemon for a bit of
information. That night, I had a dream involving the spirit. He arrived by appearing in the back of a closet and walking out in a spectral form that became more solid as the dream progressed. We ended up outdoors playing catch with a piece of crumpled up paper. He and I could throw it with the force of a baseball but could catch it just like paper crushed into a ball shape. I actually had fun.

Upon awakening, I thought of the spirit and found the dream was interesting. I called him again. I asked,
“Was there a message on that paper?”
Spirit: “Yes.”
Myself: “Why didn’t you just hand it to me like a regular note?”
Spirit: “I did not want to get too close to you and scare you.”
Myself: “Thank you. Perhaps next time you could just tell me to open up the paper. When I am dreaming I am not always awake enough to notice things like that.”
Spirit: “Most of the time, you are not awake when you are awake!”

I have found all the Lesser Key spirits to have a good sense of humor.

The one magickal thing I will point out is is that the outdoor area was the courtyard of an apartment
complex. Before we went outdoors to play catch, he said that he liked where he lived. He could see five moons. Outside, a lampost that had four white globe lights glowing bright. A little way down the
sidewalk there was another with just a single globe lamp. He mistook these for moons.

This is a common thing with Lesser Key spirits. They mistake light sources. This should give one a clue as to their nature. It may also lead to thoughts on the nature of light which, on the astral, conceals as much as it illuminates.

Monday, January 15, 2018

The Element of Spirit

Of late, I have been working with the element of spirit. This is the prima materia of the alchemists. I have learned a few things in working with it.

The first was that I have been seeing it forever. I simply did not know what I was seeing. The people I asked either did not know or my description was not sufficient for them to understand what I was talking about.

The second is that when elemental spirit comes into contact with humans it burns. When I was starting my path I described this to others as “moon burn”. It would hit me during full moons and be very uncomfortable when it was strong. When I described this burning sensation people thought I was a nuts.  Later, I attributed this to my fiery nature. Wrong. The fire element feels quite different.

Third, if enough of the element can be gathered on the astral it makes things on this plane very hard to look at. One instinctually turns away. This is why so many people can do magick quite well but rail against theurgy. Contact with spirit appears to be an instinctual fear. This is also why people deny their obvious errors. Behind the error, spirit lives. So, not only do people have to face themselves, a hard enough task, but risk seeing spirit behind the veil. This they know only unconsciously but that is enough.


I have the courage to work with spirit. I am working to gather enough to clothe myself in the element. It burns like you would not believe. I love it. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I Am Still Here

I am still here doing magick and living life. Things have been very hectic (in a positive way) and I am doing some work that is requiring me to be quiet.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Taming the Lion (Theurgic Work in Chesed)

In previous posts I have made references to work that I am currently doing to balance out a rookie mistake from my early days in Qabala. Basically, due to fear of being attacked by the unknown, I called upon the forces of Geburah (the sphere of Severity on the Tree of Life) way too often. This caused long-term problems.

The only way I can describe the results is explosive reaction disorder. If people addressed me reasonably they normally (but not always) received a reasonable answer. As soon as they fell into obvious denial, revisionist history, or similar gas lighting they got it with both barrels. If I was frustrated by any given event, even a conversation, people got both barrels. If someone did something to others that angered me, they got it with both barrels! It was easy to set me up to look bad because there was always anger present under the surface.  If you screwed me over, insulted me, betrayed me, etc. you were doomed. Oddly, I was very difficult internally as well. I was just as hard on myself as others. I was brutal to myself. I did not put up with my faults and worked my ass off to heal them even when no one else could tell. When I saw problematic things I sincerely apologized for them.

From time to time I would dream of a nuclear explosion. These moments showed me my anger had cost a relationship. I understood these moments. I knew why people were pissed or, even when I thought they were wrong to be angry, I got it. What really got to me and what I never understood was long-term denial. To this day I still have little respect for denial and revisionist histories. Denial is the cushion of stagnation. It makes being the same as you’ve always been comfortable.
There has been a slow and study improvement of these behaviors. I am much slower to fall into making frustrated outbursts. The biggest leap can when I experienced the Perfection but there were many incremental improvements over the years.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been invoking the powers of Chesed, the sphere of Mercy. While I will not reveal my techniques, I will say that I called upon the powers and prayed to them to balance the forces of Geburah in my life. I never asked for the severity to go away because there are times when a fierce response is appropriate. I have no desire to surrender that ability. This work had produced interesting results.

First and foremost I have people at work going out of their way to compliment me and show me how my work is contributing to the organization. For years it bothered me greatly that I was apparently doing things that had no impact. Being told I am making a positive contribution at work is quite refreshing. I have also had people tell me that other people are saying nice things behind my back. This too is pleasant.

Strangers have gone out of there way to be nice to me in public. When I was hurting due to my back two strangers asked if they could help me to my car. Another gave up her seat for me as I was waiting in a government office. While sitting there I struck up a conversation with the people next to me. That behavior is a bit unusual for me. They asked me what I did. When I told them they thanked me because their adult son is a mental health patient. My job makes their job as his parents much easier.

Secondly, random memories have been resurfacing.  I recalled telling my father I was taking a computer class during my college days. He asked me if they taught about Grace Hopper. She was a great computer genius that created the language COBOL and debugged the first computer...literally. I remember the face of a woman I worked with many years ago. I cannot recall her name or anything about her other than we worked at the same place. I suddenly remembered a violent scene in a television show that made me quite sick to my stomach to recall. None of these memories are connected or appear to have any significance.  I am a bit baffled as to why they are coming up. If they were focused on my own bad behavior, or related actions others that would make sense but these appear to be random.

My only conclusion is that Chesed is related to the sphere of the mind (Hod) on the Tree of Life and there may be some cross stimulation. The other idea is that Chesed in just below Binah, the sphere that connects us to all things. It can be described as a mother’s intuition on a huge scale. Perhaps such things are stimulated by proximate contact. I have no idea.

Lastly, people I know are having conversations with me. They are going out of their way to engage with me, where they did not before. I am guessing that all that defensive work I did with Geburah built a wall that made me unapproachable to some. The Chesed work appears to be removing that wall or at least showing me it can come down. 


At this point,  I am simply reporting what I am experiencing as I have started to invoke the powers of Chesed. I have not reached firm conclusions as of yet. This will be continued in a future post. 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Chesed Work: Personal Working Notes for the Past Week

What follows are my own working notes on some ritual work I have been doing. These are basically notes that I write to myself. They are mostly unedited and without context, unless you've been reading my most recent posts. Had these not been published they would be slightly different, such as mentioning my wife's name rather than calling her my wife. 

I have noticed in the past week many dreams where my dark side is being pointed out. I am not being provided any information that I am aware of as I know what my dark side is. 

11/27/2016

Did a bit more formal work. This time I blessed myself with water just dedicating it to Taliahad and fire just dedicated to Aral. 

Upon reaching Chesed I saw a humble gold crown. It was as if the crown was speaking. It told me that I had done well by doing the ritual given how hard a day I have had. This work is getting me more psychically open and the large family holiday event really got to me. I basically shut down. The voice told me to continue doing what I am doing as it will get harder.

The crown then told me that most of my work is mental as that was all I was capable of years ago when I summoned Geburah so frequently.

When I finished I immediately received a message of joy from a friend referencing luck and water. Both of these are appropriate to the working. 

11/28/2016

I am feeling under pressure. There is no angst to it and nothing external. I feel more like I am in a pressure cooker. (5:41 PM)

11/30/2016

I had a dream last night that felt very astral. As if someone had come to speak with me in the dream world. I could not quite wake up enough to have a conversation. Moon in Sagittarius.
Meditation tonight. It was reasonably good. Someone did get up and I could feel the bubble of her energy passing around the bubble of my own.

I saw a strange red and white beast that may be my accumulated fears of projection. I ignored it.
I had many visions of events from my past. No, more of random minor players in life. Such thoughts are common in my mind over the last few days.

12/1/2016

Performed CHesed Ritual. The crown again appeared. I asked that the powers of Chesed balance the powers of Geburah that I may exhibit strength without impotent martial anger and whatever other lessons you deem fit. Immediately I heard, “There are many.” I repeated my request. I was told that I am ready for these lessons but that from time to time I will still bounce around the Tree of Life. I was given an olive branch with its green leaves still upon it that was a long as the distance between my finger tips and shoulder. “This means more than you know.”

12/2/2016

I meditated using the technique my wife taught me. That basically has to do with grounding better beforehand. This felt much better and I was able to hold the meditation much longer. I was prompted to do the Chesed ritual as a meditational exercise. As I am writing this more than 24 hours later I cannot recall what the crown said to me. I do recall in leaving Chesed in Briah seeing a bright blue door above me that was obviously the entrance/exit to that realm.

12/3/2016


I simply meditated using my wife’s technique. All I did was stay grounded. I was able to hold the meditation for 40 minutes. This technique holds a lot of promise for me.