Sunday, March 31, 2013

Death Evangelism

As you know, I experienced the vision of perfection. There is nothing that is not perfect. I do not believe that. I know it. I have no problem maintaining that view any more than I have trouble posting here. I think I have been angry for about five minutes since that vision. In fact, I have so released old views that I posted this on Facebook this morning:

If the symbolism of Christ's crucifixion taught us nothing else, it should be that he did not sacrifice his spirit. Neither should we. Conform not to the pettiness, anger and fear that is society. Be who you are. Be delightful. Let those who will, see.

Those that have read this space for quite a while know what a change this is for me. While I am not Christian, I have moved past my angst* as I have figured out where it came from. Then someone posted an article on Facebook about Death Evangelism. This is the practice of scanning obituaries for notices of  the deaths of non-Christians and striking ever-lasting fear into the families in hopes of conversion. Using someone's grief like that is appalling.

Here is the question. How I can reconcile that with perfection? Pretty much the same way as every other horrible thing that happens in this world -- one understands the roots of the behavior. This is a lesson I have outlined here before when very long ago, I was able to have compassion for the pain my mother was in when she did what she did. That pain was her motivator.

These people feel they have a truth. As Jason Miller states, the problem in finding a truth is that sometimes we want to enforce it. Truths cannot be enforced and this is the failing of all evangelicals, even those who have their heads screwed on a little better than those referenced in the article above. Yes, it builds churches, fills collections plates and make you feel like your truth is shared but in reality all you have created is a bunch of scared people conforming to assuage their fears...and yours.

Deep down evangelicals know they are not with Christ. Christ is about compassion and love. There is none of that in acts like this. Compassion and love do not create fears in others. Evangelicals can speak of the greater love they are driving people to but the fact that they create fear reveals a deeper truth of their being.  Deep down they are scared out of their minds. So too is anyone that tries to force, trick or persistently push you into their faith or into their truth. These people are usually revealed by their anger.**

Oh yes, those damnable Christians! Who are we kidding? We are they. I could offer examples from the history of this space past and even more recently but that would hide the message. Let us just say that everyone is prone to this. Everyone that finds a little truth and seeks to defend it either by marginalizing the other fellow or trumpeting their belief as the end all be all. Careful there, we are not doing that. We are just teaching people to think for long as it is close enough to how we believe.

News flash, we are all wrong! The human mind cannot grasp the vastness that is G-d and Its creation. We each see our little bit of it. That is totally cool. The problem is that we exclude any bit that we cannot see as false, dangerous and wrong. No one is immune to this. You are not. I am not.

Yes, I think the behavior of death evangelists is wrong-headed but I cannot condemn them for pandering to the fears they do not know they have. I have watched friends, former friends, and myself do the same thing. In each example, we were afraid of a larger truth than we could process. Yet, when we realize this, the shock opens us up to a greater truth and that is why there is perfection in the unfolding. All those behaviors above and those of death evangelists are totally perfect.

In the clip below, Lon sees the perfection as love. He is totally right.

*I am not totally past it yet but I will be.
** Just challenge their beliefs or self-perceptions

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Habits of Spiritual Living: Abandon Ye All Fear

The fear of rejection reveals the fundamental emotional drive of unity. We have a quiet internal drive to be open to the divine, to feel unification. We know that deep within but we feel very separated. Overt personal rejection stokes that fear of being cut off but cut off from what? There are seven billion people on earth. One person saying "I do not like you," is not a big deal. But oh do we fear it and oh do we feel it when it happens. Why?

Because we have forgotten how big G-d is. We have forgotten how attached we are to G-d. This rejection FEELS like G-d is rejecting us. That which creates cannot reject you. You cannot be abandoned. Look at the people around you. They are all part of the body of G-d. So are you.

Return of the Soul Shard

In today's meditation, I asked to see the beauty in the perfection. I asked because I was told that my next lesson was beauty. Again, I saw the lotus but this time it was clear crystal. Again, I dropped into the yellow core.

Immediately, a crystal shard flew into my chest. I dropped through the flower and then back into myself. The first thing I noticed that this shard was not shot at me to drive me away.* It rested with its tip in my clothing, not piercing my chest.

I asked what I was supposed to do with this and was told this will allow me to see the beauty in perfection. Naturally, I turned it to my most difficult life events and used the shard as a looking glass. When I looked into "the very bad thing", I saw the primary actress as extraordinarily small, insignificant. This told me that incident had nothing to do with personalities. Instead, the beauty of that event was how this very small thing had such a huge impact. The perfection of the unfolding made it huge that I may learn. Once again, the beauty turned out to the perfection of all things, all people, all religions, all points of view, everything. In this case all those perfect things unfolded in such a way to bring my direct attention to something.

I now know that no matter how deep and horrible the psychological impact is, even in a traumatic event like that event which created PTSD, the perfection is there. Looking at anything through the lens of the divine unfolding results in love, nothing but love. How rockin' is that? I have also learned that mystical states can cure anything. I have had no PTSD symptoms since my spirit told me they were gone.

So, is this the soul shard that I discarded returning in a healthy way? It just may be. The damaged shard caused me to see things from a very combative and judgemental viewpoint. This shard still sees the secret motivations of so-called bad acts but quickly elevates them to perfected states of the unfolding.

I love my mystical life.

* I have tired to enter mystical states or certain sephiroth of the qabala and had rocks thrown at me, swords, fireballs etc. This ALWAYS means one is not near ready to enter into such a place. This was not like that.

Friday, March 29, 2013

As the Universe Turns

In tonight's meditation, I asked to see the perfection again. This isn't unusual. I normally see a rolling field of white light, solid, yet fog-like. Tonight, the white was more like a solid slab, within was  large blue lotus with a yellow core. The flower was much larger than a man. I was drawn into its midst. The moment I touched the yellow core, the flower closed and I watched it fall away. It took part of me with it. This was repeated several times.

I then had the the thought, "I do not need to know any more about X." I watched the entire universe turn in three dimensions. The left side dropped making the right side rise and then it turned about ninety degrees. The visual was stunning and cool.

Posts you ought to read:

Nick Farrell on the Dark Night of the Soul. He dispels many misconceptions.

VI on Story Magick Post 1 -- Post 2 because this is awesome.

Your Hidden Intuition

I have shared the Manifestation Meditation with come locals. I kept having an idea for the next meeting -- to wash everyone's feet. This is totally out of character for me but I was willing to do it. The realization that prevented the action was that doing so would freak people out.

Now, we are hearing the news that new Pope is making quite a show of this. This may be totally sincere, it may be totally marketing or both. There is no way for a distant observer to know for sure  but that isn't the point. The point was that my intuition picked up on this theme before it hit the popular consciousness. However, I mistook it for being about me.

This realization has lead me to see many other instances of so-called normal thoughts that were really intuition. All of which I dismissed as the monkey mind. I have now come to believe that part of the monkey mind is really disguised intuition.

The potential error here is selective memory. I may be only remembering the hits and discounting that any given number of random thoughts will eventually appear to have a meaningful subset. This is both true and a lie that hides the truth. The truth part is obvious. The lie is that such pragmatic ways of viewing the world discount that intuitions are hidden within the random 'hits'.

Finding those intuitions isn't all that hard. It takes just one question. Is this me? Was it my normal thought to wash people's feet? NO. I have had other thoughts that I have determined were intuition but sharing them here would be a violation of privacy. In each case, the question, "Is this me?" revealed the so-called random thought as intuition. In each case, time has coalesced to show my conclusion correct.

There is no difference between you and me. If you want to become aware of your intuitive thoughts, just keep asking that question. Simple.

Such things should be used in service to others. For instance, if I intuited that a friend was in denial about an emotional pain and that intuition came in the form of a phrase, I may use that phrase (which are really his thoughts) in a conversation. This is likely only effective if the conversation is related to the issue. The beauty here is that it is the other person's words and that he gets to choose if they impact him or not. This is very gentle.

There is a next level to all this. If you can intuit something part of the meaning also applies within your sphere. The practitioner of spiritual living will find that and act as much as possible. So, this is an open invitation to my local Manifestation Meditation crew. If you so indicate that it would not freak you out, I will wash your feet.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Habits of Spiritual Living: Bad Behavior and Other Mischief

The lessons we need to learn are indicated by our behavior. In order to learn the associated lesson, one must be self-observant or meditative.

In my case, one of my behaviors was railing against Christianity. My beef with it was the negative starting point. The basic claim, as I saw it which may not be how you see it, is that human beings are bad and they only way they can get near their creator was through the torturous death of a third party. The declaration that all humans are unworthy drove me around the proverbial bend. While this is something I still disagree with, the level of my anger confused me.

Once I saw the perfection, the reason for my anger slowly became clear. I viewed myself as unworthy of the divine but at the same time knew this was false. The conflict within, between feeling I was unworthy and knowing I wasn't, became an external conflict with adherents to that religion. Having seen the perfection, I am aware of my worthiness, yours and everyone else's. Now, I just find the acceptance of the doctrine of unworthiness puzzling and I wouldn't let you teach it to my children*, but I am not mad at anyone for believing it.

There is another example of religiously-linked (for lack of a better word) behavior that is interesting. There is a fellow commenting on this space that goes by the name of Christian. He is an atheist. His first appearance was on my soul reading page where he wrote:

So what scientific evidence do you have for a soul? Evidence that can be verified in a lab, or that has been published in a major scientific journal will do.

I responded:

Christian, a man who is so sure of his position would not need to seek out a blog such as mine to challenge. He would be content within himself and find that such mischief was not necessary. Your question, is really a plea for self-discovery. I suggest you begin or continue your personal journey into such things and discover what proof you may find. Beginning books on Buddhism are an excellent place to start.
To my relief, there was no reply. I really dislike arguing with people and I am content to allow him to hold any viewpoint he wants. I appreciated the fact that he allowed me the same. I thought he moved on until he offered another benign comment yesterday.

To me, his behavior, which is not socially negative in any way, indicates that he is trying to learn something. I have no guess as to what as that is not my place. His life is his life and he knows it better than I. That said, I bet he knows why he is reading this space. I would also make a small wager that there is more to that reason than he knows. I say that not to pick on him but because we all do that. It is my hope that he understands I bring this example without any sort of pejorative judgment. 

The point is that from the outside we don't know what his lesson is. We don't even know the subject of the lesson. Religion, magick and the like may have nothing to do with it. The point is that, from the inside, the lesson being sought may not be clear until after it is learned. The point is that he is leading himself to said lesson. That is something we all do. Once that happens, we have a choice. To learn or not to learn? That is the question. 

Over the years, I have seen a more overt form behavior that ought to lead to lessons. Most people call it denial. Unless some sort of mental illness is involved, we know when we are in denial. Denial makes us feel bad and often necessitates further less than valuable acts to keep it going, which we have to deny, which can lead to more behaviors etc.

If you are human, the chances are very good that you've done this. They way out is to examine the initial behavior. Why did you sleep with his wife? Why did you knowingly punish your daughter when you knew she did nothing wrong? Why did you start drinking that night in the first place?**  Chances are you'll be lead to other behaviors that link up. This will be difficult but it is one of the only active ways out of the trap. The passive way is through meditation. 

Either way, once you solve the original cause of the behavior and heal from whatever damage created the cause, moving past denial is much easier. Why? Because the person that committed the original acts will no longer exist! 

*   I do not have any kids. 
** If you can't ask that, ask why you are denying what you know you did. If the answer involves any  other party besides yourself, you have not looked deep enough.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Habits of Spiritual Living: Finding the Truth in Lies

The Great Work comes in two parts. Discovering who you are not and discovering who you are. Technically you already know who you are but it is hidden by who you are not.

Years ago, I discovered that the truth is revealed by the lie. The person that shouts, "There is no God!" knows deep down that he fervently believes in God. Then why does he say this? It is only a partial lie. His conscious self mostly believes what he is saying. The truth isn't found by convincing this person that God does exist. The truth is found in the motivation for the emotion that inspired the statement.

He may be saying these things because he feels unworthy of God (fear), that he will lose you to your relationship with God (insecurity) or that he had a very bad experience on his quest to God (pain). Once his emotional base is healed, he rediscovers his connection deity and who he is.

Some lies are apocryphal stories people tell about themselves. These are reveal a person's own mythology and are used to share attitudes and beliefs about herself with others. These result in less self-damage than the type of lies mentioned above. They do indicate difficulty in direct communication and self-awareness. The latter because she allows herself to believe stories she tells that never happened.

The point of this isn't about the other guy, it is about you. You know when you are lying. Your job is to figure out why. The difficulty there is that too much of you believes you are telling the truth and only a small part is aware of the lie. So how do you ferret it out?

Clue number one is anger. If someone tells you that your god does not exist and you get angry, chances are that your identity has been confused with your deity. The lie here may be I have no spirit only belief. This runs so deep that if asked you could honestly say you don't believe it but it is revealed because your ego was so easily bruised by someone else not believing your belief. What you think of as your strength (your belief) is really a weakness. Belief is weak, easily doubted, and as useful as a paper sword. When you know, rather than believe, challenges to such things reveal more about the challenger than yourself, your demeanor is calm and your heart open. Anger doesn't enter into it save someone being particularly and persistently obnoxious. You cannot allow that caveat to be an excuse for not deeply examining your anger. If you are getting angry at a two-line Facebook post, a reasonable counter-point or simply a different perspective, it is you not the other person with a problem.

Clue number two is the need to qualify. Truths can be shared with simple direct statements. The universe unfolds with perfect beauty. Lies need qualifiers. The universe unfolds in perfect beauty but you shouldn't do that because it is wrong. The second part reveals the first part as belief, not knowledge. The lie here is that one knows when the statement is just someone else's truth is being repeated.

Truth is expressed in these simple statements but is often taught via the complexities of perceptions, the mind and/or systems such as the Kabbalah that are so complex that they busy out the robot. Also, the expression of the truth does not necessarily mean it is fully integrated. One can know but not know. Integration is revealed by one's state of being rather than a spoken truth.*

Clue number three is pejorative language. If you have to declare someone with a different view, set of traits or experiences is dumb, crazy, defective, or make marginalizing statements about that viewpoint or person, you are revealing a truth; My ego is too fragile to accept that I may be in error. This is insecurity. The truth could also be something like, "Only my experience is valid." This is a problem of ego inflation.

The healthy ego is in the Tao. One cannot be in the Tao while being angry, insecure or false. All of those negative expressions are the embodiment of who you are not.

The good news is that simply allowing yourself to see this stuff begins the healing process. Chances are you will stop yourself from saying it by telling yourself the deeper truth that you can't quite own. Oh, they just have a different perspective, that is okay. In time, your feelings will be of reduced intensity but you will still need to repeat the truth to stay composed. Eventually,  you will simply not react that way at all. That in turn opens the door to deeper understanding of yourself because everything up to this point is about the other guy and the deeper lessons are never so external.

*paragraph added shortly after initial posting

Monday, March 25, 2013

Hermes' Torch Part II

Last night, I went on a healing journey. That part is private.

On the way there, I stopped and used the torch. I was able to drop down and see something amazing and surreal. Below me were 'boxes' made of astral stuff, clear like glass but permeable. They were stacked like shipping crates on a pier.

When I descended into them, they were furnished. These are people's mundane homes on the astral. Now it is blinkin' obvious that this had to be but why did my logic not put this together? Once I realized I was in someone's home, I did not look around but that experience made me recall a recent realization.

Our minds only perceive what they can handle at the moment. If we saw all the spirits and astral forms walking around close enough to earth to have a direct impact, we just may get overwhelmed. Last night, I was in someone's home and totally harmless. I was just there. I assume many astral beings that we may sense from time to time are just like that and there are many more that we do not notice.

This should not be taken as a statement that I think all of them are this way.  It is similar to humanity. Even when you met a violent human, perhaps even a murderer, that doesn't automatically mean he is going to kill you. Most of the time, he will walk right by you. The same is true for very kind people. We can't be significant to our every encounter.

I also realized that this configuration of astral houses reflects our need to gather together for safety. Oh yes, I will pause while you recover from that deep insight. As part of that, I realized that is what friendship, gossip and personal sharing is for too. I knew that but suddenly I know it better now.

Hermes torch is illuminating some obvious things for me. To which you may say big deal, it is obvious. To which I say you are right but I will add that you miss the obvious too in your own unique way.

Lucid Dream

I am not sure if this is related to the torch or not. I have been in a lot of pain over the last week. I haven't been to work since Wednesday. So last night, I slept horribly as the pain was just above the sleep threshold. I thought I was awake when I found myself staring at a beautiful starry sky with streaks of color like the aurora borealis only subtler. Suddenly, it occurred to me that you cannot see the sky through my bedroom ceiling. I am sharp like that.

Lucidity quickly followed. I tried to astral project upon the earth. That didn't work. I used the torch to no great effect. So, I simply consciously enjoyed the beautiful sky.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Torch of Hermes and Story Magick

The other night I was meditating and Hermes* popped by. He gave me a torch** and said:

  • It will help me when I go through difficult times
  • To slow down as I do astral work and use it to see what I have been missing
  • To put an image of the torch on my altar.
Yesterday, I had a very long conversation with VI regarding story magick. His initial post on that topic is here and I seriously suggest you follow the series of posts he is going to make on the topic.  I get deeply educated every time I talk to that man. VI is one of those people with whom I shut up totally when he speaks because one wants to hear and understand what he is offering. I am sure that conversation played into what followed.

Later in the afternoon, Soror Gimel texted and said she was having a very severe asthma attack. I told her to go to the ER but I would work on it. I tell people to see professional help and they pretty much always ignore me in situations like this. She did the same. 

I took my torch with me and slowed down on my journey. In fact, I traveled a little distance and 'stopped'. I have issued some complaints from time to time that I can't astral travel as the times I did in the lower planes, I felt an electric wind sensation. When I heal or go to other astral places I do not feel that. I am here and then I am there. The lack of a transitory phase makes it harder to define where I am. Did I travel or is this all in my head and my head just happens to be able to heal people through its images? When I stopped, I felt that astral wind and it was a bit difficult to remain in place. The torch didn't reveal much.

When I took another hop, there was no wind until I stopped again. I figured I was two thirds of the way there but this time the torch revealed a crack in the plane. I entered this and found myself in a place of white light. That light was thick like chilled cake batter. It could flow but retained its various shapes. The scene looked like a cartoon in which simple lines suggest form.  

Soror Gimel held her chest obviously in distress. I called an ambulance which arrived instantly and helped move the gurney she was on inside the vehicle. The EMTs worked on her while they delivered her to the hospital. They did CPR, gave her a shot and a day or to later released her. She hugged her husband and child and seemed just fine. 

Today, she reports that she is much better but still needs her inhaler.

This story board view was quite different as was the texture of whatever astral world I found us in. I have questions:
  • Did I take her on a healing journey outside of time?
  • Was the story line actual or just the way my head was influenced by the prior conversation and what is the difference between head space and actual? 
* He also popped by in my tarot class last Monday night. That made me think nearly everything was funny.

** I couldn't find a direct relationship to Hermes and torches in the lore. I did see that his son Pan had a torch race in Marathon but who says he is limited to objects in his myths? 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Reader Question: Working With Demons

A friend/reader asked me to post about my work with demons.

My experience with them is a bit different than other folks. From what I have been told their work is immediate. I have also been told working with them evokes some sort of internal crisis. I have had neither.

The exception to that was that I did have one immediate effect but the effect I experienced was not the intended object of the operation. The noticeable earthy impact occurred before the operation. Given it was my first time, there were expenses. The spirit in question, apparently not wanting to be evoked, stole my wallet. This made it difficult to obtain the needed supplies. I looked everywhere for that wallet. This included scouring the car multiple times.

I did find the money to purchase the needed supplies. I was living with My Gal (now known as Sorer Gimel) at the time. She had a little money and I had some of my emergency cash laying around. So, the tools did get created but I am pretty sure the operation had not taken place. This is an old story so I could be wrong.

Soon after I completed the tools, I had a spooky confirmation that the demon was indeed the culprit. I had just spoken at the local Pagan Pride Day event.  The only pen I could find to take to the event in case I needed to take notes at another talk was bright pink. After the event, I placed the pen in a little cup just behind the gear shift  and My Gal and I went for either an ice cream or smoothy. This is in dispute as the stores are right next to each  other.

When we arrived at the destination, I looked down and didn't move. My Gal asked what was wrong. I pointed to the console. There was my wallet -- on top of the pen! Cue the twilight zone music. Given the size of my wallet, the size of the receptacle and the location of the pen (directly beneath the wallet) there is no way that wallet was in that location when I put the pen in the holder.  The spirit had simply given up. The purpose to keep the wallet became mute once I had purchased all the needed supplies.

As far as results, I have never achieved immediate results with workings from the Lesser Key of Solomon (Goetia). However, over the long term, I have always obtained the desired result.

Perhaps the reason that I do not experience a crises nor short-term result is that I do not see the so-called demons the way others do. I see them as creatures that want to be helpful but simple are too fractured and ignorant to be so*. They need to be given instruction.  The problem with that theory is that takes away their objective existence. If everyone else finds them unruly, difficult, spiteful  and the like, while I find them to be mostly amusing and friendly, then my attitude must result in their behavior being different than others experience.  Oh wait, isn't that how life often works with people? So maybe they are more like us than we care to admit?

Frankly, I find these ontological questions enjoyable but they also make my head hurt.

I offer them no threats. I do not say that I will put them in a brass bottle for 1,000 years if they do not help. I show them respect. I do give them a time line to show me a sign they are working but never one telling them how soon I must have the absolute result. The 'confirmation' I receive is always suspect. Most would say that I am doing it wrong. Maybe, but like I said, I always get the result and never get the psychic shock either. I have never felt threatened by them.

There was one evocation where I received no result whatsoever. Though, that was asking for something extraordinary and unlikely. I do plan to evoke that one again for a more reasonable undertaking in the future. Oh wait, two...but I think that one will come through in the relatively near future.

The other reason for my unusual results is that I stretch the metaphor quite a bit. For instance, if a demon is said to be able to obtain keys to secreted objects, I will ask for the keys that open my perceptions to the created universe. If the power is to gift the practitioner with the skills of a fine artist, I may ask for the ability to appreciate the fine art of creation.

Maybe it is my slightly unusual take that obtains my slightly unusual result. Maybe I am just a poor magician when it comes to working with such spirits. I will leave that judgement up to you good folks.

*I do believe some of them are really nasty in their own right. I simply haven't run across those yet. I also feel that some are more nasty when the magician has an associated psychological issue that contributes to or is the compliment of the spirit's unruliness. Given that I have not had such experiences, this is an educated guess on my part.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Working with Anxiety

My confidence has grown with my healing work over the last couple of years.* For whatever reason, I seem to have a strong ability to help with anxiety. Over the past six months or so, I have worked with several people with PTSD. I make no claims to cure that issue*. I can say that I can reduce anxiety in most people at the very least for the short term. If you've ever battled that illness, imagine how nice that night of sleep is after you've been up for a couple of days or only had a few hours sleep a night for a week. The brief respite can be quite a relief. I make a point of telling people that they need their therapist; I am not a replacement.

I have begun working with one person that I plan on working with quite regularly, even though we will only talk once every couple of weeks. I added this person to my nightly work two or three times a week. Today, I received this note: "Last week was wonderful with regards to lack of anxiety! I don't know what you did, but it was very helpful! Especially last Friday"

The week she discussed contained two sessions, one of which was late Thursday night. This was an experiment. She had no idea what days or how often I would be doing my thing. She felt better when I did and the following week, when I did nothing, she went back to her unfortunately normal state. 

What I saw astrally confirmed a theory I have. I have mentioned previously that Asperger's looks to my eyes like the Tree of Life with none of the paths active. Severe trauma induced problems, PTSD related or not, have, to my sight, common characteristics. Imagine, if you will, a clothed spiritual body. That clothing is dark and formless. The trauma appears as if that clothing is ripped away but only partially and always at or below the waist. This occurs the same way whether the trauma is sexually induced or not. The result is a breaking through of the whitest light you've ever seen. I believe the 'skirt' that gets ripped away during the traumatic event is the part of us prevents our spirit from fully interacting with the world. When our perfect spirit tries to interact with the world from that lower level, without a revealed upper spirit (for lack of better description) our perceptions are overloaded with its power. This causes our physical brains and lower emotions all sorts of problems. Why? That skirt is the ego that protects our individuality. We cannot drop that ego until the Greater Neschemah comes into direct play of its own accord. When we are traumatized severely enough, that ego is torn away because that sort of trauma reveals it for the illusion that it is. You are not your ego but you have to learn that, it cannot be forced from you. 

The session that occurred the day before the Friday mentioned in the quote, allowed energy from the top of the head to be exposed for a brief moment. That same white-brilliant light burst through but since it was from the top, it was in control of the lower energies of the soul. The result was calmness and a laughter-filled week.  

What would have happened if the torn "clothing" was restored? I have no idea but I bet I will see that someday.

In my opinion, I have a clue here but not a fully functional methodology. Though, I am not sure if that matters, my healing technique at the moment is being present and just watching all this stuff. I do very little but stimulate healing with my astral presence. How that works, I have no idea. 

My metaphor here is a bit shaky. I have some problems with it. I am simply recording it as I see it at the moment. There will be more on this topic eventually

*Though I did have a complete fail (aside from emergency pain relief) on a compacted ear wax problem. 

** This post should not be taken as an advert for more PTSD folks. They take a lot of consistent work and I am not in a position to take on more of that. 

Reader Question: Dead People

A friend/reader asked, "Have you ever seen or talked to dead people? Have you tried? What happened?"

My only experience with this was with my father. He had been blind for two decades before he died. When I went to the house, his body was still there. So was he. He was quite happy that he could see. I might have even said ecstatic. I cannot recall ever seeing my father that happy and excited in life. He was shocked at being dead but he showed his usual aplomb. There was a sense of wonder about him. I know he did not expect to be alive after being dead.

He did recognize that I could communicate with him. I was fine with it at the time. He contacted me for a little while after. However, this freaked me out a bit. I am not sure why. He sensed it and stopped. However, even in writing this I know that if I reached out, he would be there.

Aside from that, I haven't reached out to anyone that is deceased. I haven't had cause to do so.

Side note: You my have noticed the wheel chair and white cane. When the minister said, "despite being disabled..." I was shocked. I never thought of him as disabled. Neither did anyone I knew. That says a lot about him.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Physical Body

My spiritual, emotional and intellectual bodies understand the perfection of all things. When I see certain behaviors in others that used to bring me into conflict, I smile, shrug and let others learn that their conflict is with themselves and themselves alone. This is part of the unfolding and is no different than what I went through.

My body hasn't received the message yet. Even in observation, it releases the chemicals of conflict. I can watch that, observe it with fascination and learn. I realize now the many times that I reacted to the chemicals and not the situation. I can now have compassion for those that do the same.That is a valuable lesson and I honor it and the process that helped me to grow into that understanding.

I dislike the sensations those chemicals create. Those are disturbing, even as I recognize that which is perfect in the physical reaction.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Splendor is the English title of the eighth sphere on the tree of life, Hod. The names of the other sephiroth like Wisdom, Victory and Foundation make sense to me. Splendor is not something I have been able to wrap my head around until now.

Hod is a sephira of water that is associated with the intellect. The paths around it are full of creative fire, save one. That one is the experience of water, the Hanged Man of the tarot. Your intellect combined with your emotions create your universe or, at the very least, your perception of it. That part just makes sense to me but Splendor, what is that?

I have had some experiences of late that I think reveal the meaning. Yesterday, I posted about Old Robert and New Robert. Old Robert was driven by the ties between his thoughts and emotions. He saw the world through this filter and saw those perceptions reflected back to him in the deeds of others. In this is a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy, being co-creator and/or projecting and internalizing a biased viewpoint. This is not to slam that guy because everyone does that. Some can speak in such a way that their biases are not obvious or in other ways be more circumspect but we are all driven by this thought/emotion perceptual soup. In my case that soup was quite negative and pain driven.

Splendor is rising up past the thought/emotion energy and seeing the perfection of it all. It is the difference between the ordinary mind and the transcendent mind. From there, everything is PERFECT.

Last night, I had a difficult conversation where ordinary Robert-mind appeared. As soon as it was over, I meditated and took the disturbing thoughts to transcendent Robert-mind. All the negativity was gone in an instant. It was like putting my thoughts/emotions through a coffee filter. What remained were precisely the few items I needed from that conversation. Immediately, I fell back into the view of perfection and woke up in that same that place this morning.

From a place of perfection, it is easy to be accepting and loving of those living in their immanent thought/emotion soup.

The place of transcendent mind is awesome. It is by far the easier to bring into the manifest world than any other realization I have had. Every day, I experience the knowledge of perfection. Even though there are moments when I cannot see it or forget, the knowledge mindset reappears. This is wondrous.

The danger is thinking that this work is complete. This is but one experience of transcendent states on the tree of life. The climb up the tree does not end with the eighth sephira.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Old Robert's Failed Attempt

Last night was interesting.

My state of deliriously happy perfection, endearing to some and annoying to a few, had been ebbing for a bit. I was not doing the things I was told to do regularly: write, read about life coaching and clean. I figured this was the causing the slowdown.  Then, last night came around and was relatively rough. I was seriously 'off'. I wasn't upset or grumpy but tending toward a state of blah and nearing a depression sans any cause.

I decided to ask my soul what was going on. The upside of my meditative process is that I am 'there' in no time. I saw my soul body, this time in form of a human, and another darker form hanging on about the waist. Its feet dangling below me and waving about, as if trying to find purchase upon the ground.

Unsure of the nature of the dark form, I reverted back to Qabala and hit it with various things: YHVH, the white shin, the red shin, my personal force etc. I managed to push the thing down so it was wrapped around my knees. Not good enough.

Then, I realized that the dark figure was the old Robert. It wanted to live. I had a two word reply: fuck that. That guy is in too much pain and this guy is too damned happy to go back to living like that. With attitude alone I summarily rejected him. He fell away into the darkness.

Now, one may wonder if this is just some sort of mental masterbation. Visions in one's head are not real. Yeah, well, in my case, I went right back to being my eurphoric self. I found myself cleaning my house in an energetic manner. I had to stop myself as my back has been a mess and I don't want to irritate it until I see the chiropractor. However, that need to clean told me I was once again under the influence of my Greater Neschemah and not the shell of my former self.

Life rocks! I am not going back to that old sad, argumentative, unperceptive, PTSD dude. Nope. There have been no signs of any of those things for a while. I plan to live like this for the duration or until the next better thing rolls in. Doing the Great Work is so worth it!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Guest Blogger! Rosicrucian Beginnings

I asked a friend of mine to right something for this space on any topic of her choosing. 

I come across so few people who belong to one of the Rosicrucian Orders.  As a resident of Northern CA, I would expect there to be more since the one I belong to (AMORC) is headquartered in San Jose.  When I joined the Ancient Mystical Order of the Rosae Crucis in 1997 in San Diego at the age of 29, I was pretty much the youngest person there.  There were a few in their late 30s but most were in their 40s and above.  It will be sixteen years in May that I joined the Order and I found myself thinking recently if it really was the best path for me. 

I have always been a big picture kind of person who loves details but only after I got the big picture.  It was hard for me to receive those monographs every month or so and actually do the work in the manner they suggested only reading one section a week in order for the material to digest.  I would read the whole thing really fast and then jones for more waiting another month or more for the next monograph.

In AMORC, study is self paced, not enforced and not tested.  Side study topics were subtle suggestions rather than overtly recommended.  As an ADHD adult, I don’t do subtle very well.  My side studies varied wildly and I would read or study whatever captured my attention but I always read my monographs, practiced the exercises and contemplated the concepts until I internalized them. 

AMORC is very cerebral.  If you are a Rosicrucian, then you are a mystic and at some point in your studies you will identify that way.  The Order does not openly encourage training in other traditions and never discusses other magical orders (I didn’t even know other magical orders existed until 2009) but they do however make it very clear that you can be any religious persuasion and still be a Rosicrucian.

As a Mystic, you are slowly encouraged to remove emotion from your practice (way different from the Thelemite I have become).  You are encouraged to do humanitarian work on the astral level daily.  You are encouraged to be the epitome of a good citizen following the 30 point creed of good behavior.  Lineage was subtly discussed but never boasted about.  Humility overrules all.  I always felt like I belonged to the most secret, most elite and most privileged Order ever.

As I progressed through the degrees, a spiritual alchemy took place that I didn’t notice too much.  It was slow, gradual, easy and natural.  I didn’t realize how much that transmutation would serve me and frustrate me when I started my Golden Dawn path.

When I started my Golden Dawn path, I was arrogant about my Rosicrucian beginnings, I was special after all, I was already a Rosicrucian and these Golden Dawn folks had to go through five grades to get there.  I would hear about magicians working the Tree building their egos only to get squashed when they were expected to be humble in the 5-6 at Adeptus Minor.  What I soon realized is I didn’t have any skills.  Ah the universe smacked me down in a hard way.  I could work my own brand of magic in a mystical way but I didn’t have any hard and fast rules.  I would never be able to understand the workings of Enochian or the Goetia.  I barely understood what Magick really was let alone True Will or even how to do a banishing.

But still…I had magick in my life.  I could manifest things, I had a connection to the divine and it spoke to me on occasion, I was on a path even if I didn’t have a word for it.

In recent months, I have realized a few things about my Rosicrucian beginnings.  As I go through a Golden Dawn style system from the beginning grades, what a wonderful opportunity to practice my mystic upbringing.  I will be filling in the holes in my knowledge and skills with other individuals who will possess things that are complimentary with mine.  We can each have what we have without making the other “less than.”  I have also realized that as I progress, I don’t have to fall prey to the ego trap because I can use those tools that I learned in the early years. 

Spiritual alchemy has already been at work on my personality.  I don’t yet know how to invoke something but I love all beings as if they were a magical ball of love.  I don’t know what my true will is but I can see my HGA working in my life and conversing with me.  I don’t know how to evoke anything but I don’t have an attachment to material things.  I don’t know the first thing about Enochian but I really truly love myself and when I see other people who have my characteristics I embrace them with love also.

My Rosicrucian roots have served me well and I can see that starting out that way was the most perfect way for me to start out.  Everything about my path has been perfect.  I’m a big picture kind of a person remember?  I would never have been successful in a strict Golden Dawn order back in 1997.  And as a newly diagnosed ADHD person at 29, I didn’t have the concentration I do now.  It was perfect that I was in an Order that allowed me to pursue my interests as they interested me.  I may not have gotten all the information but I learned some of it so that now all I’m doing is filling in gap and holes.

Perfect as it should be and as it is once we figure it out.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Yesterday at work, someone was complimented publicly for being a nice guy and getting the job done very well. In response he said, "In my defense..." and went on to share that other people contributed to the project which was likely true. However, he was the leader and his skills were paramount. While any good leader gives credit to his followers, I do not feel this is what he was doing. He had to deny his personal goodness and the compliments bestowed upon him.

I found this sad. Why did he have to deny what he did well? The reason is that we are taught to be humble and the like. Humility is a great quality and I am not bashing it. I am saying that this is not humility and claiming we do not contribute when we know we are is fundamentally a lie. Lies harm the liar. This is not to say that we should shout our contributions from the rooftop. That too is not humility.

Because of this, I contemplated upon humility last night and came up with this:

Humility is not denying your abilities or downplaying your skills. It is refusing to believe your contributions make you better than anyone else. 

Humility is refusing to enter into comparisons and say anyone else is less or more. 

I would go so far as claim that the societal demand to hide one's contributions, which is what I feel my co-worker succumbed to, is false humility. It is pretending to be less so that others feel 'equal'. This is silliness. Society should show others how they are more; How they contribute; What skills and abilities they have to offer. In this way, we can build instead of tear down.

Everyone contributes to the unfolding. Everyone. It is beautiful and it is perfect.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bubble Meditation

The Bubble Meditation

I sat down the other night to meditate. Normally, I am doing so much healing work for others that I neglect any sort of extended meditation for myself. On that night, I instantly fell into a deep state.

Immediately, I was surrounded by bubbles, thousands and thousands of them. The spheres were all of uniform size and I knew that each bubble was my perception of the object they contained. Further, my perceptions kept me from fully experiencing the object in question.

I started poking them with a pin. Within, I'd find another bubble and another until I worked my way down to an object. Soon, I began calling up the object I wanted to explore, a cookie, then a doughnut and a cake. When I popped the last bubble, I felt this wave of energy called acceptance. I realized that I eat sweets because to me they represent my mother's acceptance.

Some bubbles contained people. One contained a person that was simply making more bubbles. I left that one alone.

I have done this meditation several times now and feel at such peace after I do it. I know that if I find groups of things like I did with the food, I will get the common perception behind them. That will be cool.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Sense of Self

Several events have occurred that have tested my new state.

First, there is a person acting less than harmoniously of late. It seems the happier I get the more this person, who normally is polite and cordial, becomes aggressive and rude. After briefly being taken aback, I realized there is no need to defend myself from the phantoms of perceptual error, pain or whatever else has manifested for the other. The universe unfolds in constant beauty and it will for this person as well. Maybe then we each sit on a floating lotus flowers with silent smiles and enjoy our mutual peace.

Secondly, I spoke at Fresno State today on things spiritual. The first class was very engaged, made a great deal of eye contact and I overheard one person as he left, "That was impressive." The second group was dead. I could have pulled a live unicorn out of my butt and they would have never noticed. I enjoyed both talks though. Just like in the first example, I was briefly taken aback by the second class but their reactions did not impact my enjoyment of the moment.

Lastly, a close friend has been weightlifting and doing well. I recalled my time doing that. There was once a time I was so strong that it felt like gravity didn't apply. I didn't walk, I floated.  I tried to say that I wished I could do that again but that wasn't right. Then I tried to say I was jealous of his experience but that wasn't right either. It came to me that I don't long for the past. I don't wish for that which I do not have or cannot experience. Our language isn't good at trying to convey such unconventional thoughts. So, I responded with something 'normal'  that wasn't quite right but wasn't clingy either.

I find myself being just fine with the reactions of other people and just fine exactly where I am. If I am rattled at all, I observe the state of the experience, how it impacts my physical and emotional sensations and that is about it. There is no ownership. Though, I must admit being a little confused at times. The actions of others no longer define my self-perception. I didn't try to do this; It just happened.

There is a level of peace, contentment, joy and awe that I have never experienced. I have literally enjoyed all the experiences above when in the past I would have been quite upset or wishing things were somehow different. It is hard to know how perfect all is and then wish for it to be something else. I love being where I am right now. 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Soul Reading Result

I received this note about a Soul Reading I did almost a year ago.

Sending you hugs...just thought I'd keep you up to date. When you did that reading for me ages ago, it meant so much to me on so many levels. Different than a tarot card reading, it felt more like the tuning of a fine instrument. By recognizing and acknowledging the things you spoke about with me, I've noticed a discernible shift in "coincidences" that are leading to positive, life enhancing choices and events. I'll let you know how this journey unfolds, looks like I will be finding my axis mundi after all. 

For more on Soul Readings, click here. I am using the money I make on these to pay for my schooling as a life coach. It my goal to be of service to others through both magickal and mundane means. To schedule a reading, use the email link on the page.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Healing Work

I had been told by my soul to lay off the healing work. Apparently, that prohibition has been lifted.

Sunday, on the disc golf course my golfing buddy was going along fine until about the 8th hole on the second round. Frankly, he had three shots in a row that could only be classified as embarrassing. I had a vision of a red dot like may be seen from a laser pointer. I knew if I touched him, I could put that dot into him and he'd regain his shot. I asked for permission and did so. His next throw was back to his old form. A few holes later, he was weakening again. I touched him with the dot and the next shot significantly improved.

My friend Flower had a tough weekend. She was feeling down and agitated. Suddenly, I had the vision of a descending dove like may be found on the symbol of the OTO. I knew it would bring her peace. I asked, "Would you like to be a magickal experiment?" She said yes and I touched her with the dove. I then left her alone to do another on-line healing session.

Upon returning I asked her how she felt. She said when I first did it she felt dizzy. Then her eyes went blurry for five to ten minutes. A little while after that, she received an email. Her response to it was, "That is just want I needed to feel peace." It was then I told her what I had shared.

The on-line healing session was a bit different. The client said she had two significant painful body parts. Medical treatments were not helping and asked if I could find an emotional component. I went to work using my new technique which is much more like Reiki. I am present but mostly passive and I just let the energy go where it needs to go. It focused much more on one of the painful areas than the other. I received impressions of the emotional correspondences to the pains. It was then that I noticed a chakra below her belly button was a muddy brown. I watched it turn bright yellow.

I told the client about the emotional impressions I had of her pains and she concurred that she is dealing with those issues but had not linked them. I also told her to look up the attributes of the yellow chakra and see what she could learn from that.

Today, I received an email from here that contained the line, "You ought to come with a warning label."  It seems that she woke up around 2 AM and spent an hour on the toilet and using a bucket. Apparently, she purged some 'toxins' or some such thing and reports that she feels great. Though, I am not sure if that  is emotional clarity or physical healing.

She also thinks the chakra in question was below the yellow one. I know very little of chakras. Perhaps it flared yellow as the yellow chakra stimulated the one immediately below it. I suppose I will have to learn about chakras if similar things keep happening.

All in all, it was pretty nice return to one of my favorite activities.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Leo = Aquarius

As I have stated many times since the shard meditation, February 4 is my new birthday. I have also made it very clear over the years that I was born a Leo. In checking my new birthday, I was most amused to learn that February 4 lands in Aquarius on the direct opposite side of the zodiacal wheel.

As my first talent was tarot, I decided to look at how my birth cards have changed. In Leo, my cards are 5 of Wands, Strife; Prince of Wands; and  Strength/Lust. In Aquarius my cards are: 6 of Swords; Prince of Swords; and the Star. What Crowley has to say about the Six of Wands in his Book of Thoth (pdf) , is quite complimentary. The  Prince of Swords is more difficult. The Star, long my favorite card is well, stunning as always.  


Friday, March 1, 2013

Habits of Spiritual Living: Believe Properly

Stop believing your past bad acts define you.
Stop believing what you want other people to believe of you.

Both of these things are half built of lies.

Start getting to know your fundamental goodness.
Start knowing your spirit so well you can share it, without a thought.

Both of these are more real than real.