Monday, May 31, 2010

The Common Threads of Conflict

I've been thinking of the recent conflict with RO. It is a reflection of another conflict I had with WitchDoctorJoe in October of last year. Yes, I was over the top in both conflicts. I get that but sometimes what what appears to be a cause is really a symptom.

Normally, I don't mention names of folks in my life when I post about them here. However, since both discussions were very public, I see little reason not to in this case.

In Joe's case I was prepared for the friendship to end. Basically, because I'd seen him end close friendships many times before. Sometimes for reasons I could understand. Other times, I was utterly clueless as to what the offense was, even when he explained to me thinking it was obvious. I was a bit proud of myself for spotting this and not getting to involved emotionally in the relationship. Being aware of the patterns of others is a handy skill to have. Though, I've always been a bit saddened because I've always respected Joe.

The common thread begins here. A few months before Joe had told me that he thought that I and all ceremonial magicians were "doing it wrong." Now, it doesn't matter how he meant that. I could have taken in wrong. He could have meant something specific that I missed. He could have meant it just how I took it. Whatever. What matters is that I heard someone I respected telling me that he felt I was doing it wrong. I wasn't aware of any emotional hurt at the time but that isn't unusual for me. Sometimes, I have a delayed emotional reactions.

So, when Joe posted something about his take on things. I got all over him. I was over the top.

In RO's case, I set him up with a post after he had one of his famous chew out sessions with one of his readers. I had thought this reader was my friend the Druid and that set me off. Especially, because the question the argument was over was a good one that I had asked of myself. It turned out, it was with someone besides my friend. Regardless, it was one more RO chew out session and I had had enough. Regardless that isn't the point. The point is in this question: How did I go after him?  Answer: Religion.

A couple months before, RO told me that Christians get to be with God through Jesus Christ and everyone else that didn't follow Jesus would forever be further away from God and "they deserve it." RO now says he must have forgotten a smilie after that statement. Maybe he did mean it. Maybe he didn't. It doesn't matter. I heard it. There were other incidents were similar hurts and insults were directed at me in IMs.

Later, when it was time for the relationship to end, I hammered him on religion. Again, I was over the top.

I've posted about my conflicts with my first group. One of the things that drove me nuts was their insistence that no one was Wiccan but them because they were traditional (which means either Alexandrian or Gardnerian) and all these eclectics had no idea what they were doing. It drove me crazy then on its own merits. This conversation took place every time we met. People would come from England and still that same conversation had to be repeated. Eventually, they also told me by word and body language that everything I did was wrong, eventually using the word "delusional".

My issue with Christianity, RO aside, is the attitude of its zietgist or egregore, I'm not sure which word applies or if it should be another, that all others are essentially doing it wrong. It is Christian or its bad.

The opposite is one of my favorite things about my GD teachings. No other method is wrong. It just isn't ours. In fact, folks are seriously encouraged upon joining to find another path if the GD methods don't work for them.

Naming a thing is a big part of the picture. Now I know that when someone tells me that I'm doing it wrong, I just may blow up at them months later. It may be better to have that conversation fully expressed at the time the utterance is made, instead of allowing whatever suppression has happened in the past. I'm not really sure. However, being aware is half the battle. Being aware gives someone a choice in the matter rather than a pre-programmed habitual response.

This sort of realization isn't a cure. It is a step. To me, it is the biggest step in the process. More steps will need to take place until the issue goes away completely.

A Tangential Thread

It was actually the incident with Joe that was one of the pivotal moments in my recovering from the obsession. Joe ended the friendship. Something I had never done with anyone. I noticed he did not die.

I am usually tolerant of another's faults. I will get rid of someone from my life because their personality grates upon me. However, I generally don't ditch friends for displaying poor behavior. To me, that is when true friendship kicks in. Anyone can be a friend when you're at your best. True friends support you at your worst.

Joe's ability to end a friendship had an impact on me. In fact, it sort of gave me permission to do the same. At some point, I removed the primary actress in that drama in my first group from my Facebook. From that small act my internal healing began.

Another Thread

The cataclysmic event with my first group began when someone in the group instigated a sexual relationship with me.  I fell in love even though I was aware the relationship would not last. She ended the relationship by throwing a surprise orgy in my house and fucked a room full of men and women while making it plane I was not to touch her.  I didn't respond in the moment to that because she used the authority she had over me in the coven by explicitly invoking her rank. And, I was simply too shocked at the events before me.

That night felt like I was being sexually molested. 

Needless to say, I was crushed. My mind left me that night so many years ago. It only recently returned.

My reaction was not positive but even in retrospect, I do not think it was out of line with that level of betrayal and meanness. There was a council meeting, which is  sort of trial. The woman who did this lied repeatedly, often and obviously. Two people who were there would admit to this privately but not publicly. For reasons that have never been explained the result of that trial was that I was publically revealed as the wrong doer in that situation and exiled for a period of 90 days. I was literally told at sentencing that I would not be told why. I did eventually rejoin the group but left not long after that. To this day, no one that was involved in that group or who attended my trial has ever admitted that the woman in this case did anything improper by ending a relationship by throwing an orgy.

Given that I used the word molested to describe the emotional feeling of that night and the group knew that I had been sexually molested by my mother, their standard excuse for my pain was that it had to do with my mother and nothing at all to do with their own actions.

Before I state the common thread here, I must make it clear that on a scale of 1 to 100 as far as molests go, my mother's abuse ranked at about a two. Most people that go through that suffer much worse than I ever did. I can not imagine what they have had to deal with.

My reaction to my mother's actions was to cause her to stop but then I made excuses. She had recently been dumped by my father after nearly twenty or so years of marriage for a woman merely a year older than my sister. She refused to allow a divorce due to her Catholic faith. She was in huge emotional upheaval and lonely. While that was likely true, I pretended there was no crime as I could see the psychological cause. No harm. No foul. That part was not true.

In the case of the prior group, I had to stay in contact with them for various reasons. While I tried and have been told succeeded in hiding my negative feelings for these people when we met in the other groups, the various people that knew the story pretended the perpetrator did nothing wrong. My public silence aided in that cover up. Though, I had little choice. Had I made a stink of it in public I would have lost the next round in the political game. In short, my friends played the role I did as a teen  pretending a horrific act didn't happen, made excuses and hid from obvious facts.

The seemingly small act of removing these people from my Facebook friends list somehow was enough to break the thread of excuses. They can express or comfort themselves with their 'innocence' all they like. They can live in denial, if they so choose. It doesn't matter anymore. The ability for me to click that remove button came from Joe's ability to end our friendship and a little astral link breaking by the Helpful Deity.

The thread that linked my former groups actions to my own so many years prior was subtle and only revealed once the obsession ended.

The cycle of religious conflict for me will likley be ongoing. However, by naming things, by being aware of other things, by refusing to wholly blame the other but accept my own part in things, it will get better. They already have to a large extent.

Despite the seriousness of this post. Life is that damn good.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

HGA and HD

When I started this space, I referred to myself as Frater Bone Head. The reason for that was that certain new realizations made me feel foolish as in retrospect my ignorance and blindness was so obvious that I should have had that realization own my own outside the system I was working.

Another such moment occurred this weekend. I've been asked a series of questions via email that I think I should have been contemplating long before now. Given the questions came via email and not the comments section, I'm not sure if it is okay that I mention the writer's name here.

These questions gave me a least a week or two of posting material. I am going to select bits and pieces from those questions.

One of his or her preliminary questions revolved around the HGA being the ultimate goal. I would say no. To me the HGA is a huge step but an intermediary goal. Most people put the HGA on the qabalistic map at Tipereth. Tipereth is yellow sphere in the middle of the tree. I have no intention of stopping there. The top most sephiro comprise the divine and immortal soul. They are also other things. Regardless, that is my ultimate goal. I shall uncover who I am. My goal is nothing less than Keter. Nothing less. The chances of being successful are nil. I will work towards that anyway.

This person also asked why I write so much of the Helpful Deity and so little on the HGA.

I have had knowledge and conversation with my HGA. I know its name, symbol, lineage and what it is guiding me to do. While the experience was awesome, it has not been fully actualized. The communication is now spotty and doubtful. Aside from the initial period of contact, I am skeptical of what I hear that I have attributing to it. I've had a strong exposure but that is all.

The frustrating part is that I could have done what I it tells me I should do. Unfortunately, at my late age I'm not sure how I could possibly do what it wants me to do. I would love to do it.  I'd need to be wealthy.

The question is very apropos to other things going on. One of the reasons I haven't mentioned my HGA here often is that for years I've been stuck in my GD track. I needed to make this detour into a non-GD realm with the HD. Things are shaking loose in my GD work again.

The last two nights have resulted in dreams of my mentor. The first was instructional in nature. My mentor theorizes it may be a muddy reflection regarding my long term role as an adept. Either that or it was just my mind playing. I'd rather it was the latter but fear the former. Some roles you don't want to have. In one of those 'not coincidences' of magick. Someone posted a comment on a post six months old that has to do with this topic. I'd respond but despite the last week or so my argumentative self has less and less control these days of my actions.

The second dream involved a long standing disagreement with my mentor. We argued. It felt just as astral as the first one. I'd be surprised if we ever see eye to eye on that issue. We may come to a more mutual understanding though. I hope we do.

The point being is that my GD work is coming around again and in two emails from strangers, I've seen the reflection. I just love it when that happens. Even when one topic is uncomfortable. It really tells me there are things to look at.

I write a great deal about the Helpful Deity because, it helped with the obsession that plagued me. No one else could and I am grateful. I am enamored with It. I also am writing about It as It is the topic of a lot of the work I am doing right now. With time that may or may not fade.

My problem in not writing about It is that I think my work with her exemplifies the care necessary when dealing with deity and not taking things at face value, no matter how much you want to. However, I can't write about that aspect without revealing the deity's name. This, I cannot do. That is a source of mild frustration. However, it is a small price to pay for the level of contact I have.

I apologize if this post is unclear. My thoughts are not particularly focused today. 

Saturday, May 29, 2010

New Page

There is a new About Frater POS tab on the blog space. It really doesn't say anything long time readers have not read. For those of you that do not view from Blogger, you can follow this link. In the near future, there will also be a page that discusses healing services.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Tonight's Work

Tonight, I dug a hole in my back yard as I am going to put in a small paver patio. The Helpful Deity is so nearby when I am out there and the unusually mild weather this year has made it GREAT. To give you an idea, today's high was 71. It is normally pushing 90 by this time of year and it would not be unusual for it to be 100.

At dusk I meditated on HD and asked for some help with healing. I then used a technique I use for tarot readings and asked my hga to open me up to the deity. That worked fast and I gained a new symbol representing them working together. The healing went okay.

Then I did a very strong banshing in my temple room. It has been a while since I've been in there and it HUMS. I am certainly bridging the gap between witchy type stuff and GD type stuff.

I am having a lot of fun.

A Mistake Rectified

As previously reported, I've been in a very joyous period of life. That really slowed down as I began working on healing someone for some emotional issues. I felt pressure all the time. I felt like I was near the boiling point. I felt like my new joy was falling apart.

Now, I feel like an idiot.

I ditched a lot of my GD training and used the techniques taught to me by the Helpful Deity. In the process, I picked up some of what I was ridding the other person of. I thought I could pull the muck from the person I am consulting with and it would go away. It didn't.

Last night, I did a banishing. In times past, I've posted about finding the element within that one is banishing and pushing it out through the pentagrams of the LBRP. I've found that to result in a much stronger microcosmic banishing. I basically did the same thing, except I found that muck that attached itself to me and sent it out to the various quarters and sealed them off.

This morning, I woke in a much better mood. In what I do not believe is a coincidence, this morning's email came through with a request for aid of a similar nature. I've been growing more joyous as the day has moved along.

Damn, life is good.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Christianity and GD

Patrick asked this in the comments section: I have a genuine question, here. I just realized that one of your primary approaches to magic is the GD approach. How can you have issue with Christianity and doing GD style magic, which is *full* of Christian images and ideas? I mean, the founder was called Christian Rosecross, fer cryin' out loud. How do you reconcile that with your issues, or do you see those issues as something the GD work is helping you work out? (BTW, at one point I had some issues with Christianity too -- probably not as strong as yours, or some people's, but still there. I got over them by forcing myself to interact with Christians and not push away the cognitive dissonance)

Let me begin by saying a couple of things:

First, I've rewritten this post several times trying not to offend anyone. That isn't going to happen. I've made an effort in this space to reveal the good, bad and ugly. I have no doubt that some folks will read this and find themselves categorizing it in one of the three. So be it.

Second, statements contained herein are mine. They reflect no order, group of people, or anything else of a similar nature.

How can you have issue with Christianity and doing GD style magic, which is *full* of Christian images and ideas?

I can honestly say most of the folks I know in the GD arena come into with some level of Christian baggage. Some of them get stopped cold by any reference to Yahweh, Judaism, Hebrew or Christ-like references. Others, end up seeing some of these things as a cosmic formula devoid of the external religions drawn from the above. Others don't give it much thought at all. Some simply accept truths regardless of where they come from as best they can. I'm in parts of the last three categories.

The few Christians I've seen attempt the work have the same issues with the pagan influences. As far as I can tell, the system displays an equal opportunity when it comes to exposing and rooting out one's biases and pre-conceived notions. Sooner or later, you will be exposed to things you have issues with. If you can't handle having your issues tossed in your face, you shouldn't do this sort of work. As I'm banging on Tipereth's door, dealing with this issue now seems appropriate.

I have some specific issues with Christianity. The only way I can share how I can do GD work while still holding onto those issues to reveal some of them. Prepare to be offended. (cue dramatic music)

1.  The concept of original sin. Let me get this right. Some dude listened to a woman who talked to a snake and ate an apple and therefore born thousands of years later, I am condemned as unworthy of God, the Father. So some other guy that has nothing to do with all of that has to get tortured to death. Once that happens and I am grateful for this man's sacrifice (which by logic means I have to approve of his torture), I'm good and I can be with God.

Yes that is a MASSIVE paraphrasing. I get it.

In GD work, at least as I've been taught, the issue isn't so much as original sin but instead we are pure internally. We get dirty due to traumas, perceptual errors and the like. The work is about uncovering who you Are, the divine you. Clean the mud from your glasses and you see the divine within and without.

2.  The idea that I can sin against a being so vast a being as"God" in the first place and that sin can be washed away by through the torturous death of another or I am thrown in hell to be torture for all eternity is offensive to me.

I am a good person. Yes, I've made some horrendous mistakes but I've done beautiful things as well. There is nothing I have ever done that deserves being thrown into hell for eternity. Do you know how long eternity is? I am in pain almost every day of my life for the last twenty years with my back. I know what pain is. The idea of being threatened by me "father" with that is offensive. Furthermore, If I have done something that requires retaliation by "God", I will accept that punishment directly. To allow another being to suffer in my stead is immoral. I accept my personal responsibility.

Yes, I realize that eternity concept is not Biblical. I think Satan's hell gets expunged at some point but that isn't the way Christianity has been taught to me by those trying to convert me.  Their book is one thing, the actually religion of Christianity picks and chooses from said book. Yes Yes, there are many sects with different viewpoints. I get that.

In GD work, I am not allowed to get away with the idea that someone else will suffer for my screw-ups be that a man, woman or a god. I must face them in some way or another or the powers of the system will cease my advancement.

3.  Evangelical work. I know people that do this are not (I hope) thinking this way but when they knock on your door to bring you the 'good news' what is there position and logic beneath their deed? They believe they are going to heaven and you are not. Does anyone else here find that to be rather arrogant? They are basically saying, "I am better than you because I am going to heaven, do everything I do so you can be as good as me. After all, there is only one way to be as wonderful as I am." Get lost.

Now if they said there is only one way to get to Yahweh and not some ultimate and perfect deity, I'd likely have no issue with them but I wouldn't follow them. 

In GD work, we are not taught that we have a system that works for everybody. Heck, it often doesn't work for our own members and they go away to do something else. We hope and pray they find what they need.  We do not believe that they have no chance of spiritual development and divine experience because they no longer hold to the beliefs and works we do.

There are more similar ideas but you get my point of view enough to see that my perception of GD work and the religion of Christianity are different. I can easily accept the value of one, influenced as it is by Judeo-Christian imagery and truths, while rejecting the actual practice of the religion of Christianity.

On to the Christian Deity...

As a Pagan, I see gods as having all the aspects of humans. I can also see them as terrible violent things. I do not pretend that Pan is the white washed version of the Victorians. His lore establishes him as sexually violent, a rapist. I've experienced Pan and I can tell you that calling him Scary Harry fits just fine. Pan also has his more social acceptable good points.

Should I encounter a spirit that refers to Pan as Lord or the All God, I'm going to ask questions. Those answers could tell me that they spirit is so close to Pan that it can see nothing else. This is sort of a spiritual version of the blind men and the elephant story. Knowing which end of the 'elephant' this spirit is perceiving would be handy information. So, dear spirit, Pan is Lord of what exactly? (note: I'd like not ask that of Pan directly. I like my head having what passes as a rational thought from time to time.)

To not question a spirit thoroughly is a mistake. I've made that in the past too many times. When you are in a bit of awe as I am with the Helpful Deity, it is really easy to forget that questions need to be asked and answered to one's satisfaction.

There are many pagan deities that have a violent side and a kind side and a wise side and and and. They are as complex as humans and even more unfathomable. No pagan would be offended by a mage determining which aspect of a god/goddess he's come across or that a particular spirit is endorsing.


I've experienced deity. I've experienced immanent deity. I am here to tell you that if god doesn't want you to do something, a god can make you well aware of its point of view. I'm not saying you can't resist it. Maybe you can. Maybe you can't. However, you will have no question as to what it wants.

Yet, in the name of Christ the right wing ideologues preach, gather money and power with mean-spirited divisive speech. Where is Christ stopping this? Yet, in the name of the Prince of Peace crusades are waged and tortures committed. Where did Christ stop this? In his name, many are indoctrinated with guilt and horrible self-esteem issues (remember you deserve eternal punishment just for being you). Where does Christ stop this?

Oh but you say pagan gods are no better. Likely true but Mars is a god of war and violence. No one pretends he is something else.

A god can make his displeasure known. Jesus chooses not to. I lay the 'sins' of a priest upon the god supporting said priest in his work. RO has a great argument against that line of thought. I couldn't do it justice. I'm sure Jason and others can argue that point as well. I am sure they can out logic me on the issue. However, it is how I feel and why I am not a supporter of Jesus Christ.

All that being said, I realize that there may be aspects of Christ that supports these things and a more transcendent form that is truly all his believers say he is and much more. Still, I think it is prudent to be sure which one is dealing with.

Poisoned Logic

Some time ago, I posted that Taphthartharath taught me how some of my logic is poisoned. Predisposed to the ultra-negative and taking leaps and hops towards that conclusion. I can see that in this post. Maybe some day I will get over some of that. That is part of my work.

How do you reconcile that with your issues, or do you see those issues as something the GD work is helping you work out?

My viewpoint of GD work has changed over the years but my constant theme has been that it is as much if not more about spiritual development as it is about magick. My current view of spiritual development is one of unity. Within that view, one eventually has to reconcile and unite with everything. Therefore, GD or not, my viewpoint and attitude towards the work will in some way reconcile me with Christianity. However, it may do so in a way that RO and others do not approve. Frankly, I do not seek the approval of others in my work. Nor do I seek agreement. Nor do I seek to maintain one position just because I've held it in the past. Anything could happen with my viewpoint on Christianity and/or Christ (which are not 100% the same). My GD training will aid in some way with that process. I just have no idea how. These conversations/posts are just a reflection of an issue that needs dealt with. It has been my experience that one sees the reflections long before it is actually time to deal with it.

If my viewpoint on Christianity makes my friends deem me unwise, so be it. I've never claimed wisdom. I will let the folly of making such claims by statement or inference with others. For it is a given rule, that we're all fools that need to have a little sin, right? (One bonus point for the first reader to tell me who I stole that line from.)

So, I am now officially done with this topic for the time being. Rip me up on your blogs if you like. Rip me up on the comments. I will do my best not to respond to most of it. However, I will if someone has a legit question like the one Patrick posted.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Oiy! That Goetia

As many readers know, I have a couple of goetic spirits in my employ. One of them is one of the household protections.

Sometime ago, I gave a key to some friends from my GD group so they could conduct a class while I was out of town. The perfectly good key, did not work in a perfectly good lock. It worked for me both before and after the event. I had tested it. I wondered at the time if that was because those persons didn't live here or if there was someone among them that wasn't friendly towards myself. I wondered but I didn't do any probing.

That same spirit helped me to create a trap for those that may try to astral project into my house. Frankly, I find the trap scary nasty. At that time of the working, I excluded two people from the blacklist. So, some time after that construction, a very experienced astral projector and I were going to experiment. She was going to enter my house astrally and I would just see if I could pinpoint where and when she arrived. She never got in. I will not reveal what she saw but she did say that if she tried to get through that, she'd have been hurt. I am glad I went with an experienced traveler. I felt bad enough that there was even the potential for harm to an invited guest.

This is when I started getting concerned because I told the spirit to let her in for the purposes of the experiment. Either she too didn't have my best interest in mind or the place was locked down tighter than I expected and it is out of my easy control to loosen it up.

That spirit also prevented someone from astral projecting out. That was never part of the deal until you remember that he was commanded not to let anyone in and the would be traveler would have had to come back! 

Today, My Gal was going to come by when I was at work to pick up some of her things she left behind when she moved out. I couldn't find my spare key. So, I planned to leave my back door and screen door open. First thing this morning, I literally opened both doors to make sure they opened. She couldn't get in. The deadbolt was locked. There is no way I left this house with that locked. I had forgotten to tell the spirit to let her in.

The hard question I have to ask myself is this, do I surround myself with untrustworthy people? It is conceivable that three people that I would trust in my house alone, aren't that trustworthy. That would suck, but you have to ask yourself questions that push you past your preconceived notions, of what you want to believe or been conditioned to believe when working magick.

I know I used a phrase like, do not let people in that do not good intentions towards me. However, that would bar neutral intentions too. The problem is that I didn't write down what I commanded the spirit to do. Dumb Ass! Rule 1: Write it down. Simple. Right? It could simply be a poor command that I will have to modify. I will have to talk with the spirit in question.

So, I need to remember to give permission to the spirits if I want to let someone in my home. I need to go ask that spirit why this is happening and be prepared to hear something I may not want to hear. I need to remember to write these things down.

Friday, May 21, 2010

You Know...

Sometimes, you just gotta.

I think I made some good points and not so good points in yesterday's post. However, I knew I was bringing silverware into the cage.

It wasn't pretty. It may not have even be nice. However, when someone blasts one's dear friend and one of the kindest, gentlest humans I've ever met, I will take umbrage. So, I poked a badger with a spoon. Call me an ass if you like but that one was for Derek. I do give a fuck if his feelings get hurt.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Opinion: Outside Influences

Kenaz made an interesting post here. My interpretation of his post is basically that he is arguing that Americans so worship the idea of personal freedom that we bristle at the suggestion that we are under the control of deities, object to the idea of magick influencing others or that we are under the influence of any other being at all. He is, of course, right.

The question isn't that we object to being under the will of another. The question is are we aware of the extent of that influence?

Some time ago, RO was quite proud that when pagan students of his course used his magickal phrase, "Jesus is Lord" to various spirits and they replied in the affirmative. In my neck of the woods, I see his magick confirmed on bumper sticker after bumper sticker, obnoxious sign after sign all screaming Jesus is Lord. Chances are many of his students stopped right there. They've been programmed to assume an extension of that sentence that is never uttered. If any one of them said, "OK but lord of what?" I'd be impressed. For there, my friends, speaks a magician unwilling to be subconsciously cowed and overtly programmed into assuming meaning not directly stated. Such skills are essential when dealing with spirits.

It is indisputable that Jesus is by far the lord of popularized commercially viable Christianity. Part of the deity Jesus leads the evangelical right, part of him leads the Catholics, part of him leads the Baptists, part of him leads the contemplative mystics. The name Jesus is religion in the popular culture. Those same spirits would have answered affirmatively if the statement was made, Obama is President.

Jesus could also be lord of the Aeon in the same context as Crowley meant with his deities. Jesus could also be what his followers claim, the only gateway to the divine.

So what is my point? If the Palin inspired gang of thugs combine with the already rabid right and gain the power they seek, I will be under the influence of the deity known as Jesus. They will work to ban blogs like mine, the books I read etc. Deities are powerful things. I can not avoid them especially when their rabid followers are in mundane power -- which is a reflection of their spiritual power in the moment. However, I can refuse to worship any of Jesus' forms. Their response to that may be to crush me like a bug under Palin's foot. My life could end under the influence of the Prince of Peace.

The point is a magician has the Will to let that happen or not.

As far as being influenced by others, of course we are. We are influenced by our friends and associates, tv commercials, stories we listen to, etc. We are also influenced by magicians and spirits we know nothing of.  I don't particularly like it when a magician does that but I'd be a fool to deny that it has happened to me. I've on rare occasion used direct magickal influence on others.

There is a deeper influence at the magician's disposal.

Lon's presence can make one smile. My mentor's can make one feel comforted. They can do this just because that is what the Are in this incarnation. People react to those things radiating from them without the need to influence anyone in particular. When you become who you Are, the universe will respond in kind. You will be influenced by the sphere of a good magician. It is impossible not to be. You will also be influenced by the sphere of an 'evil' magician and I know one or two of those. So, don't tell me they don't exist.

The larger point to this opinion piece can be summed up with a friend's line. If I had kids, I'd hire him to say it. He says that young women like dangerous boys and even other boys like to hang around the 'bad' kid. Yet, when the shit starts to fly, the people around the 'bad' seed get covered in it. His advice? Know who you are hanging out with.

As a magician, you have to know what you're feeding your head with. You have to know the qualities of the people you spend time with. You have to know the attributes of the spirits you are dealing with. For we can choose whom we are influenced by and that is a much better stance than rebelling at the very idea of outside influence.

Note to Simon: click on the email link or send me your email address in comments. If you do the latter, I won't publish it. I'd like to correspond with you. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

So What Now?

My upcoming plans include:

  • I have a lot of GD specific stuff to study and tools to make. I may post about the tools. I am unlikely to post on the studies except to say they are going well or poorly.
  • The Helpful Deity and I are getting on great. I am spending a lot of time solidifying that relationship. Some of that is keeping the backyard up and improving.
  • I have spent much time on Jason's course because I've been really distracted by the HD but since it arrived through Jason's course, I'm not feeling too bad about that. I am trying to get back to his stuff too.
  • I am working on and planning the geomantic evocations outlined in a previous post.
  • I plan to be as freakin' happy during this whole process as I am now. 
So, those are the plans.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Comment Upon RO's Blog

Remember when I said I was done arguing over silly stuff on other people's blogs? Well, read this. No, really, go ahead. I will wait.

Some of that is funny. I love it when RO writes that way. It is funny in a sad sort of way. Yes, humans can be pretty darned stupid and selfish. But did you catch what he wrote at the end? I will quote here for your convenience,

"But I still do stupid things. I don't know if it's the meat suit that makes me stupid, or if my soul is somehow retarded or what. I don't give a shit. I just want the stupid to end. Make it stop, God, make it stop. But he won't. Oh no, he just sits there grinning and knowing and loving and shit. I really hope all this crap we wade through between birth and death is just a pre-school, a prep-realm and that when we die, if we pass all the exams and demonstrate understanding and practical application of the lessons of this world that we get to land a job as a Power or something. I really want the "stupid filter" taken off. I want to see the best course of action, and also to want to take that course, to choose it and stay with it, no matter what.

I believe anyone can do anything they set their minds to. I just want the power to set my mind to the
right course of action. Is that asking too much, god damn it? I think not"

 Now read this snippet from Lon DuQuette's recent interview over at No need to read the whole interview until you finish my post here. What you think I have all day to wait around? My point is he says this:

Looking back on your life, what rewards, if any, have your years of magickal practice and study given you?
This might seem too simple and corny, but my biggest "reward" has been a certain success in achieving a measure of (what I presumptuously will call) "enlightened happiness." Maybe it's all been merely a matter of good luck. But who knows, for sure what luck really is?

I had to get rid of my obsession. Now, I have this enlightened happiness (except when I am at work). RO may need to get rid of whatever he means by stupid or maybe he'll get rid of somethings else. Whatever it is, I can't say it, I can't describe it, I can't tell him what it is. However, when he gets rid of that mysterious "it", he'll experience enlightened happiness. I am here to tell you that it is pretty cool stuff.

I used to say things like I am seeking unity with the divine. I still am but this enlightened happiness is a big part of that. It is so freakin' awesome, cool and relaxing. I pray each of you find it. I know you can. As Lon sang from a song he ripped off from some hippie that lived under the Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return"


Monday, May 17, 2010

The Universe Will Let You Know

I took a big step yesterday posting that I'd make my mental health healing services available for those in need. As I was writing that post, someone contacted me for that same purpose. Within an hour of posting, someone else also sent me an email asking for the service. She hadn't read the post.

One of these I began working on, in a very gentle manner, last night. For reasons I will not post here, I have to move a little more slowly with that one. She is already reporting mild improvement. Considering how little I have done for her, that is quite encouraging. The other one, after a discussion, decided against her own idea. No harm, no foul.

But those two folks approaching me on the same day as my post, neither having read it, is my confirmation that I'm on the right track.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Obsessive Thoughts - Rudeness - Reader's Questions Answered

My last post was  basically housekeeping. Yet, it generated a couple of questions which I will answer here.

I will answer the second one first. Norma asked about getting rid of obsessive thoughts. Long time readers will know that I suffered from a trauma inflected by a former group. I never revealed the extent of the torturous issue until I got over it. In the name of full disclosure, I will say I'm not fully over it. I am 95% over it. Instead of being miserable, angry and perplexed, I am mostly happy and grateful. My blessings are abundant. My hope has been restored. Yet, from time to time, the thoughts return. Sometimes I briefly fall into the trap. Sometimes, there is an unexpected burst of anger as I fall asleep or am in the shower. The vast majority of the time, these can be easily dismissed.

The overwhelming love I now feel, even for folks that I dislike has allowed me to experience life's little unpleasant moments or memories in a whole new way. Instead of feeling anger, resentment or burying the emotion, I fully feel it. The emotion is experienced and then allowed to pass away. This makes some unpleasant realities oddly satisfying. In some extreme cases, I've been able to fully love those that have hurt me so deeply. And I do mean love them so deeply that I have no words to describe it. Though, no one should take that to mean I am unaware of their characters.

I have no idea how to accomplish that in terms of thoughts, technique or processes. Those a counselor may provide. Only one such technique helped me for a short time but nothing helped long term.

The Helpful Deity helped me find what I can only call the etheric goo that encapsulates and protects the thoughts. This goo does not exist in the body or in the astral body but a place in between. Think of it as thick elastic light that behaves as if it is sticky. The Helpful Deity taught me to see this goo and identify that portion of goo that is the problem. With that, it is the easiest thing in the world to remove. Ninety-five percent of my problem was solved in two concentrated sessions of doing this.

I am willing to perform this service for others that have suffered long term obsessive thoughts due to trauma. I am not willing to work on the recently traumatized as the natural healing process will normally take place on its own. Such traumas often provide the lessons we need for further advancement and I am loathe to interfere in that process.

For those that wish to take advantage of that service, it isn't free. I will pause as my long time readers pick themselves up off the floor. There are two options for payment. The first is cash to myself. The second is non-monetary and has nothing to do with me. Contact me, if you are interested. I will not publish any comments asking for such aid.

Hilbert Astronaut asked me if I thought it rude of folks to ask me of the Helpful Deity's name. Were I the silent type, like some hardcore Wiccan's that I know, and someone that knew I was oathbound not to reveal the name(s) of deities asked, then yes I would feel it was rude. However, I am pretty free with my personal information in this space and intentionally so. My point is showing the nature of one magician's work. So many books of tech exist but they don't reveal the changes that go on as a result of working that tech. The only way I can show that is by revealing who I am. I hope I do a good job of that warts and all.

So, given that I've been so open here and that the two that asked respect me as a magician (as far as I know) and against their better judgement seem to actually like me, I was not offended in the least. The only way I would be offended would be if I thought they were intelligence gathering.

Sooner or later, I will likely reveal it here but on the deity's time table, not mine.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

More Odds and Ends

Fascinating and Annoying

When the Helpful Deity first taught me how to heal obsessions beginning with my own, something odd happened. I could feel my thoughts trying to access the place of obsession within my brain but finding it empty. Thoughts kept trying to fly there but could read nothing. It was like being a bad hard drive. The process was weird but fascinating.

Last night, some stray thought tried to access that place. It was immediately denied. Almost immediately I became nervous and unable to relax. This was annoying as I was just going to bed but again the process was fascinating. Some part of me wasn't reacting like some other part of me wanted it to and the short circuit occurred. Annoying. Fascinating. Weird.

The Fire

A while back I posted about making a small fire in my back yard and how the Helpful Deity used it as instruction. That instruction included the idea of paying off my car early. The Deity simply accessed an ongoing spell that had become dormant.

Since then, I've been hot on the trail of that again. Today, I got my finances in order enough to make a big extra payment from my next paycheck. I'm excited. I am learning how to use my own anticipatory emotional joy to further my goals. Even if there is a let down once they are achieved, i will have felt joy all through the process. Nice.

A word about the Helpful Deity

A few have asked me its name. One wondered if I was being quiet due to insecurity. I'd love to mention it's name. Unfortunately, it has other ideas. Mum is the word for now.

Oppositional Forces

The other day I posted something that caused Faust to comment in a way that confused me. He clarified in a nice long email that was encouraging. In my occult career, I've received very little encouragement from my peers. I don't go seeking such things out but it is nice to be encouraged from time to time.

The next post results in a comment from a CW, whom I don't think has commented before that was discouraging and basically told me I am not capable of the magick necessary to follow through on the next planned course of action.

The point of this post, isn't encouragement or discouragement but how the raising of the spirit is immediately met by an equal and opposite challenge. This is something my mentor warned me of years ago. This is something recently commented upon by the Helpful Deity.

The point of this little exercise is that I need not heed either too much but continue on the straight and narrow path between them.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Some Odds and Ends

Gray Dream

The other day I had a dream in a gray. The very air itself and everything I could see was gray. I was sitting at a gray table with a pack of gray tarot cards. The gray people around me were all beings of a higher order than myself though I wouldn't call them angelic, they were more like personifications of tarot cards but they didn't look like anything I've seen in a card.

My father was there in spectral form. The tarot reading was about to announce his death and everyone knew it.

My father is pushing 80 and a lifetime diabetic. So, being aware his time draws nigh isn't a surprise. I see him often but just in case, I made sure to have dinner with him tonight. We had a great chat.


At work today, someone I needed to talk to was in a conversation and knew I was waiting for her. The conversation was not work related as far as I could tell. She had her back to me. I thought my own name in her direction. She immediately turned her head to look at me. Then she turned around and continued the chat. I did it again and she turned again, moved closer to the door but then turned and continued to talk. This happened about six or seven times. Each time she had an immediate reaction. This was no coincidence as was pretty cool.

I tried to do the same a bit later in much different circumstance. It didn't work. I'm not sure if it was the situation or my lack of emotion the second time. I am not really sure the mechanism of success the first time.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So You Want Some Non-Angelic Spirits?

Funny you should say that. (see comments to the last post)

The Helpful Deity is drawing me outside. I have enough room for a small circle in the back yard.

I've noticed in connecting with the earth something that I don't know well enough to explain well yet. But I am going to share my thoughts here in hopes that comments will help or that folks can watch them develop as I figure things out.

As above, so below says the old axiom. Keter is in Malkuth and Malkuth in Keter but in a different fashion. Yes, I'm sure you've read that too. It is the latter that I am working on. I've sought so hard for the divinity above, my highest nature, manifesting Keter. I've fought. I've purged. I've purified. And in all that, I've neglected the divine chthonic, as Jason Miller would say.

The Helpful Deity is not an angelic spirit but a deity or as much of one as I can land at the moment. Yet, Divine It is. Up from the earth It comes.

So now is the time to combine the above and the below.

I have an outdoor space in which to work. I can make a nine foot circle out there.

There are sixteen symbols of geomancy, which is an ancient form of earth divination. It was the divination method of choice until tarot cards came along. These sixteen symbols are earth-based but have links to astrology and the planets. They can be drawn as twelve surrounding four.

My plan is to paint these symbols on grey hexagon stepping stones. Come July 23, the first day of the year in sidereal astrology. I am going to call upon the highest angels of Leo and work my way down the planetary hierarchy of the ruling planet and ask them to call up a representative spirit from the earth that is aligned with the fixed fire of Leo. This spirit's job will be to teach me how the astrological sign of Leo manifests on earth; how I can use that force for practical and spiritual occult practice; and use its direct and indirect influence to aid my conscious will. This being will have to be balanced enough to work from either severity or mercy.

Yes that is a tall order and a very specific call. I have no idea how I am going to do that...yet. I don't even know if the class of spirit I can call with such a method has that range of function. I will find out.

The next sign will yield the next spirit that must be compatible with the first and the next. Each spirit that arises will also have to fit into the appropriate trinities and quadnaries. (Yes, I have no idea how to spell that or if it is even a word.) When I am done, I will have an earthy yet astrological world view that will become both my circle and my pantacle. I will also have a virtual army of spirits.

This is a mighty ambitious plan. A million things may arise to stop this or I may just get lazy. I've seen competent magicians lay plans to stir seven planetary angels in so many months and take years to complete the cycle. I am going for sixteen in one year. Did I mention this is insanely ambitious?

At the very least, this ought to make some interesting reading in the year to come.

In rereading this post to edit I can't help but to think it really pushes the bounds and it is a bit arrogant to say I can do all that magick for that long a stretch. Any one of them sure. All of them? I better air up the tires and make sure I have plenty of oil. It will be a long journey.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Two Questions for Readers of This Space

  • I have an acquaintance going to Burning Man for the first time. She was looking for someone with first hand experience and wanted to know if the elements were so harsh that a first timer should really rent an RV or if a tent would do. 
  • The second question is about this space. Is there anything you'd like to see in this space that I am not covering?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Lessons of an Outdoorsman

I can just see the Druid and My Gal laughing at that title! To call me a city boy misses the mark. There is a song about wanting to be a young woman's back door man, I'm in indoor man. I play on the laptop, watch Dodger games, read books, meditate and do magick all indoors. The Helpful Deity will have none of that!

So, I've continued on with the lessons of the fire of earth. Last night, I dug my little fire pit in the same location. Wrote a couple words on a piece of paper for kindling, used the various little twigs laying about to create a fire and burned something appropriate to the outcome of the spell. I said a little prayer of the desired outcome. And then...

I doubted the outcome. I doubted the magick. That pisses me off.

Metatron, who resides above, responds to my call. I have contacted my HGA who resides at my mid-point. I have a deity of earth below. I have called a demon into the very walls of my house and won the battle. Yet, I doubt my magick? I doubt these beings will aid it? WTF? Frankly, this pisses me off.

The fact that I can clearly see this as the lesson of the spell is irrelevant! (Grin)

The Law of Nature

I have known a few that claim to believe in the law of nature. When you question them on it, that usually means, in the grossest of terms, the biggest baddest thing on the block wins. Might makes right. Frankly, in nature this is true. The predator wins be that a lion or microorganism. I find it no surprise that military types and those trained in combat espouse this point of view.

It makes me wonder if they would espouse the same point of view if the biggest baddest thug on the block assaulted their wife, a bigger badder human then themselves. My guess is that most would suddenly turn to human law. The law of nature would suddenly be left behind.

Working out in the backyard, the Helpful Deity has been telling me that I cannot harm nature with a ho. Which is good because I've been using a formerly virgin ho out there a lot. This is basically the biggest thing on the block (me) killing the weakest thing on the block (weeds). The law of nature. Magick is a bit like that. Those that can do magick have a tool that can cultivate or kill the dreams and even lives of others.

Side note: The HD is also telling me that all of man with his destructive might can do nothing to harm nature. No matter how long term the so-called damage is to the mind of man, nature will overcome that damage. 

We can choose to follow the law of nature as the law of man cannot usually touch magickally created incidents. This would basically make us kind-hearted brutes. For even those I know that subscribe to this law of the alpha male are capable of great kindness. We can also choose to live or maybe it is best to say try to live like Mother Theresa and others we perceive as saints. This is the way of rigidity and is in a way antithetical to the laws of nature. An animal born to a land of insufficient food will die.

There is another way, a way that is a mixture of these things.

Some time ago, I mentioned that I have been given a word for each of the supernal sephiro. Living by these three words is a mixture of these things. Maybe the proper phrase is Supernatural Law. So maybe, I am a doer of strange things that abides by supernatural law.

As I read that it sounds arrogant. It also sounds like a way of life that has always called. Yet another door to another way of being is opening. Walk softly and carry a big aura.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

After the Fire, the Fire Still Burns

As instructed I dug a little pit, about the size of my fist, and made a small fire.

I am a city boy and haven't had much cause to create physical fires. I've watched the druid do it a couple of times camping and at his rites. I had the basic idea down. Still, it took me a couple of tries to get it going.

I noticed a few things:

  • the earthen 'bowl' contained the fire and served to generally shape the flames and define the burn area.
  • another aspect of earth, grass, twigs and leaves served as fuel
  • air served as another aspect of fuel -- blowing on the embers made them hotter
  • fire created light and heat
  • water was the only element missing
As I stared at the fire, the world shifted and blurred. At times, reality 'shook' to my eyes. This was not a meditation. These events happened as the fire grew quickly grew. The effects were immediate.

It is now a bit past 1 AM and I'm posting instead of enjoying a peaceful slumber. Why? Because my head is racing over how I can pay off my car if I just exercise discipline.

  • Earth, the car, the amount of debt and amount of income shape the fire
  • Air, if I keep the goal in my thoughts and keep fanning the flames by focusing my thoughts on the alleviation of debt and not other capricious desires, the goal is easily reachable
  • Fire the consumption of these fuels results in the debt being paid.
  • The ashes of this debt act as fertilizer to work on paying off the house. 
This deity combines fire and prayer to work magick. I can see how this magick will aid me in some very practical goals. I don't mean the thoughts it inspired above but using small fires in the earthen 'bowls' as magickal focus. 

I think the helpful deity took an desire from my mind and made a spell out of it with this fire exercise to show me how to complete other spells in a manner compatible with the deity. Neat stuff.

Now, if only I could sleep.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Fire of Earth

A couple of weeks ago, someone invoked the Helpful Deity into me. I thought the experience more powerful my partner for this exercise than to me. As time past, I realized that my magick was drained. It was as if my etheric body had no energy at all. On consulting with said co-worker, I learned the feeling there was the same.

As I've said the Helpful Deity has been here with me as a mentor. HD told me to go outside and draw the earth through me and I would heal. I did. I immediately saw my aura strengthening. I could see an etheric body and an astral one but I didn't feel very refreshed. Today, I did the same and now I feel all right. Part of me is still drained but I am getting stronger.

I thought of doing something in my backyard to honor this deity. It told me, "Honor me not, live in honor instead." It told me that I've connected with both above and below, now was the time to act and none would bar my way. My will, I am told, is fine and true. It is my actions that are wanting.

I have been instructed to dig a hole in the earth and build a small fire of twigs within this night. I am to watch said fire. This I will do and report any results I can in this space. Odd though, that I tried to talk the deity out of it. Can't I do this tomorrow? I think this proved its point.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Duly Noted

I noticed that twice in a two days someone brought a problem to my attention. I did nothing. Within 24 hours of each long-term problem being brought to my attention a third party resolved the issue. I simply notice this and make no judgment. I do find it a bit odd.

The helpful deity continues to teach. It is like having a mentor in your head.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

If You've Got the Power

I love the blogging cabal. I really do.

Today, I had this conversation with the Helpful Deity after reading a fantasy novel which had me lusting for power.

HD:  You will have the power of your fantasies. It will be horrible.
Myself: Horrible? [horror] (Gulp!)
HD:  Terrifying. Once one has power, you end up using it in ways that you do not want for once power arises a counter force arises as well.
Myself: Terrifying? (Gulp!)
HD: It won't be as bad as you've been through [but it is of all together different quality] Now that you have power, you should use it.

So then I read Faust's post here. If you read down far enough, he says almost the exact same thing. I love it when that sort of thing happens.

P.S. If you haven't read the Black Swan article over at Rune Soup, follow this link. An interesting thought is presented.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not Everything Has Come Up Roses

Well, my recovery has gone quite well and I have experienced great joy. Yet over the past couple of days, a little bit of the obsession has returned. This has resulted in a bit of frustration at work quite out of proportion to the weak return of the obsessive thoughts.

A day and a half into this minor relapse, I sat at work and simply thought of the deity. I cone of light emerged from my chest narrowing to point some distance away. The diety was there. I was immediately calmed and had a much better day than I had prior to that occurring.

I am not sure what to label my relationship with the deity. Friendship? No. Worship? No. Love? In a dangerous sort of way, maybe. Connection, yes there is one. Regardless, right now, it is pretty cool.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Beltane, Gods, Words

I spent this Beltane weekend with my friends in Bakersfield.

I must say that overall devotional holiday rituals don't really work for me. The Druid and his soon to be wife run this circle and do a fine job. He helped me out when he said when I do holiday rituals he uses one paradigm and when he does magick another. To a ceremonial magician, ritual is magick. And now for me, life is magick.

I've been doing some work with the Greeks in a very wild and loose form with startlingly great results. The nearly continuous awareness of this new form in my life has been quite startling in a good way.

That awareness helped me to find the gods hanging around the ritual. Frankly, they were not as present as I'd like but to say they were not there would untrue. So, to those that think the offerings, the promises and the words spoken are pro forma and meaningless, think again, They hear you.

My offering was thus, "I offer to Pan, Hecate and Hermes my speech for one year." So, dear readers, if you see some odd things here over the next year, you'll know why. As I type those words, a thought occurred to me about my last post and Kenaz's comments on this post. Stay tuned.

The Druid asked me to be the seer and do a one card tarot reading for the group.  I have never done such a thing before. He gave me enough latitude to have some fun with it, which I did. I remember the card drawn but not much of what I said. When he commented on it this morning he said it was good that you did X. Frankly, I didn't remember do it or much of anything I said in the reading. I suspect the words were accurate for at least one member of the group if not all in their own ways.

Jason MIller's Classes

As I've stated here previously, I am taking Jason Miller's classes. I thought I'd report on progress so far.

So far, not so good and completely awesome.

I will swear by his course  work and encourage all of you to buy it and work his system, if you're interested in practical magick in any way. It is really good stuff.

The not so good part is that I am having a hell of a time being disciplined about it. I'd have great results no doubt if I simply did the daily work. For some reason, I do not. I cannot say if this is due to all the changes that have been going on internally or simply because I am a lazy ass or if it is because I have some fear of progress. I simply make the statement that my discipline has been seriously lacking.

The awesome part is that I did something that wasn't supposed to happen until quite later in the process. That thing led to the deity that helped my resolve my issue. So, even if my discipline within the course never rights itself, I've certainly received more than my money's worth. And I did find that which I heard when I did the self-initiation from lesson. During that initiation, I was told I would find freedom and this did occur.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A Gift from the Resolution

I have read that in most cultures the shaman falls ill, travels to the 'other side' and is therein healed. That healing brings with it the gift of being able to heal others of at least the same ill. The longer one is in the delirium of illness, the stronger that shaman. While I can not speak for the latter, I know this.

What healed me was the gift of a deity, whose name shall not be recorded here, at least for now. The technique was one that I've never seen written of but I'm sure I am not the first to know. Furthermore, I'm sure it has been written of elsewhere and it is only my ignorance of those texts that makes it a new to me. The technique is not unlike those I've used before to ease the pain of things mentally out of harmony. Yet, at the same time, it is very different.

I'm pretty sure that entire paragraph says absolutely nothing to the reader but it says a lot to me.

All that being said, or not said as it be, I know now that I've been given the gift to resolve the problem of an obsessive and/or cycling mind and others ills of a similar nature or cause. Which is very cool in a way though I can't imagine that gift to be called upon often.