Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's

This is a family tradition going back to at least my great (maybe great great) grandfather Daniel O'Connor.

To all my friends and readers, my wish for you is that the best of this year is the worst of next year.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Something Learned

Over this period of time of my trial, I have received information that was previously unknown to me. I have also heard things that I was told but did not hear before.

Twice in two days I have sensed what someone else needed me to say. I am very sure of both incidents.

I have decided that in some instances, I do not care what is correct, right or wrong in the eyes of others. There are certain behaviors that I will not tolerate. Ever.

Yes, I know this is vague.  Sometimes, I write for myself.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Thank You

Yesterday, I posted what I consider to be a life marker. These are little posts that as I reread them occasionally, I know how life was going around the time of the other posts. I received a couple of very nice responses from Pyrocephalis and Rose Weaver. I wasn't expecting that kind of support and it came at a good time.

Anonymous asked about dreams. I have had nothing much in the way of something to report but I do dream a lot more.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I am burning out relationships left and right. I suppose this could be a necessary thing in my continuing deconstruction or it could be that I'm just an ass. I am not even trying to figure things out anymore. I am just watching things burn.

Some people have stuck with me and I am amazed. Some have not creating a sad surprise. I don't blame them at all. However, I have long been of the opinion that your real friends are there when you are at your worst. Anyone can hang in there when you're at your best.

I have seen signs of progress in dealing with some annoying frustration issues.

Monday, December 26, 2011


I was improving significantly. In fact, certain aspects of my head space have improved. Unfortunately, I've relapsed into an inconsolable depression. This is so bad that I see little point in living. I must immediately qualify that to say that I am not in anyway suicidal. I'm a freakin' Leo. Leo's do not commit suicide. The thought is repulsive to my core.

When I am in a state like this there is no talking to me. I cannot hear other perspectives. I view them as soft bread around a shit sandwich.

So, a friend of mine, who has patiently be returning my favor of listening to her whine, has been listening to me whine. She suggested I read a book that she read long ago, Steppenwolf. She claims I am the Steppenwolf and that something in that book may be of use to me.

My reading tends more towards The Dresden Files, Terry Pratchett, and the Darkside novels. Though, every once in a while, I read a classic that is very educational or thought provoking. This is the case with Steppenwolf.

I am having a hard time focusing enough to read but I have slugged my way through 30 pages or so. I can see why my friend thinks I am the Steppenwolf. One passage talks about how the Steppenwolf must always hurt the people that love him. Some are attracted to his higher nature, his ideals, his lofty dreams for himself, friends and humanity. These are hurt by the wild and untamable lone wolf within him that hunts, runs through the forest and chases female wolves. This brute too disturbs the higher nature of the man. Others are attracted to the untamable wolf. This wolf detests the hypocritical nature of humanity, its social lies and cannot understand its entertainments. It views as folly these things as they deny nature and find natural things an embarrassment. These two sides of the man are constantly on watch for the other. For either side would devour the other.

The book says this all much better than I. The actual plot devices are not of me but the underlying theme seems to be pretty close. Maybe there is something in there than can help.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Telling Dream

I have had a bit of a relapse on mood. I guess that is to be expected.

Last night, I had a long series of a dream. It involved unknown mobsters killing people. It involved people dying left and right in various scenarios. This was not frightening. I walked right by as folks were machine gunning other folks. This wasn't bravery. I didn't feel threatened.

I am not sure how but this dream morphed into me taking a hike on a mountain trail. Here I came across many people I know or knew. Twelve hours after waking up, I don't remember the people but I do know they were real life people from past and present. The dream was very colorful.

At some point,  I found myself in a very green area. There was someone there I considered a good friend. There was some sort of loving friendship there. He was staring up at an incline, very steep. It was covered in green grass but rough. This would be quite difficult to get up. I said that I have this fountain to install. The fountain was rickety and made of wood. It was more of a complicated picture frame than anything else. There was no way for a water source to be connected to it. Looking back, it was more like the star card in concept -- just a way to pass through water (spiritual sustenance)  from one plane to another.

I knew the fountain had to be taken up that slope but I walked on by.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Some back channel discussion on yesterday's post made me want to clarify something I said. I suppose I used an unclear analogy. When I said I felt like I was coming home to a long abandoned house, I meant that is how I feel on the inside. As the PTSD is being treated the horrible negative emotions that it constantly brought up have calmed. This is leaving a void.

What do I feel now? I actually asked myself, "What do normal people think about all day?" "What thoughts can I have to replace those that are ebbing?" Nothing is coming to mind. So, I feel like part of me as abandoned. This is a good thing but feels very odd.

On a better note...

I am reading and taking solid notes on JMG's Geomancer Handbook. It is much easier to understand this time around.

Monday, December 19, 2011

More Improvement

Well, I continue to see measured and incremental improvement in my mental/emotional state. At this point, I feel wellish but very empty. I feel like I've just walked into a long abandoned house. You know life was there once but now there is silence and emptiness. This isn't horrific but it isn't the emptiness of meditation either. There is some sadness.

I have been able to read and understand. I have been reading John Michael Greers, The Geomancer's Handbook and taking copious notes.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Successful Understanding!

The realization mentioned in today's earlier post seems to be holding for a while. I am making many many connections to many many things. This is a good sign. I am excited. I can see how this one idea has impacted almost everything in my life.

It fits my magick as I do believe the fundamental truths are indeed unbelievably simple. Though sometimes the process of finding them is not.

I have three blog posts in mind now:

The Growth of Wicca
The Truth is Simple but the Process is Not
The Realization I Just Had

But for now, I am going out to have some fun.


Last night, I dreamed my ex-wife was doing the LBRP. She has never done one in her life to my knowledge. In what I do not think was a continuation of that dream, My Gal, did the LBRP. I half woke up and did a mental LBRP myself.

Very quickly after falling asleep, My Gal and I walked up a VERY STEEP grassy path. The path was mowed and very neatly taken care of. It did not sway to the left or the right. It was one straight line up a mountain. I call this type of mountain a california mountain because around here, the high places are basically green weeds in the winter and dead brown during the summer. In the dream, while the grass was a healthy green, the rest of the mountain was brown. Way below, a freeway cut through that same mountainous terrain.

The path was so steep that I had to walk it quickly and using my hands to maintain any sort of grip. My Gal had an easier time by appearances but I always kept up. She made it to the top first and then reached a hand down to pull me over the top when I cried out for help.

I woke with a one word realization that feels like it healed my old coven situation and some other recent traumas. That one word is so simple. So obvious that it shouldn't heal anything. Heck,most would consider it a negative word.

I feel good, happy and a bit fearful. Maybe that last means I still have more to overcome. Maybe the healing is just an illusion of the moment. Time will tell.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Flashes of ...

This week has been relatively better. I can be very depressed and see no future at times. I feel a slightly down normal most of the time but with an edge to it. It is as if I have just survived a climb up a mountain. For very brief flashes I am very confident in my ability to create a future. These feelings are short and fierce. They fade quickly.

I am wanting to do magick again. I know it isn't wise yet.

I have read a chapter of a scholarly work on a goddess.

I do not feel I have grown for this though.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Arrival of an Unknown Goddess

Last night, I and one other member of the Conclave, Flower, entered my temple room. Because of my state of mind, we really didn't expect much.

The normal process is that I am "given" the mantra during our meditation. That happens very quickly. I focus on that for the rest of the meditation. Then I speak it out loud for the others. The deities then arrive into whom they choose. Of late, Hermes lands in me pretty clearly. Zues has dropped into me as well. That was a surprise. The women have had more subtle manifestations.

This time, the males were absent. This was not a huge surprise. I have not been very clear recently.

I saw a goddess, that I took to be a form of the Helpful Deity, standing between us. She was young and dressed in white. I felt patient compassion. I find it odd that seeing an image of a goddess before me is 'normal'.

Flower never saw this which is odd given that she sees much better than I. Odder still, Flower spoke loudly and clearly. Normally, she is so quiet it is hard to hear. The goddess had nothing to say to her and everything to say to me.

As we started, our arms locked in an ancient handshake. Our hands gripped each other's forearms. This is a decidedly unsexy form of touch but it was very intimate.

She told me that I am stronger than I think. She then broke into the sexiest words I have ever heard in temple. "Oh God, My God." The words were breathless, hot but not the least bit physically arousing. What came into me can only be described as a beast, my beast. It was huge, muscular, dark and was horny. In other words, it had horns. Oh, yeah, it was also horny. Later, I was told this scared Flower but the Goddess looked at her and all but laughed at her fright. At that instant, he was no longer excited. She told me that I am a warrior and not alone.
"There are many others like you, warrior. Look to your left and right." I did and saw a line of similar beasts to each side. They reminded me of a vision I once had of the 28 mansions of the moon marching in human form. I felt strong, powerful.

There was a lot about how I sharpen my sword but never use it. That as a warrior I am always seeking battle. This is not one of my favorite traits. "Is that good," I asked. "When you find a real battle [Yes]." However, I must discern what is a real battle.

She then told me that I am in a room of four windows and I only look out one. There is a meadow of fire, a white light that will blind me, a fountain and a fourth neither Flower or I can recall. I can't change what happens out there but I can change which window I look through.

She told me how fearful I am and how I have no reason to be. I asked her if she could take my fear. Naturally, the reply was no but, I learned later, she gave Flower a vision of how I could do that. More on that later.

Her love, patience and sheer size moved me deeply. I thanked her for Flower and the Witch and stated how I adored them. Flower says this made Her happy but that She did not bring my friends to me. I was so moved by Her that a few tears trickled down my face. I have done this before when I had a goddess invoked within me but never externally like this.

I asked of a friend that appears to be in trouble. "Is he in as much trouble as I think he is?"
The reply came, "Yes, he is drowning. He comes up for air and then allows himself to submerge. There are rocks in the river that he can catch and pull himself to shore but he chooses to ignore them."
"Can I help him?" I asked.
"No. Giving water to a drowing man is useless. If he pulls himself to shore, you can build him a fire."
I will do so.

I told Her at some point that I will do whatever She asked. "You will. You will build me a fountain." This was accompanied by a vision given to Flower.

I have internalized that vision to clear the fear within me. I have refreshed the idea all day. Today was one of my best days mentally in ages. As night fell, it is got harder. But so far, it is a good day.

Flower told me that she had no idea who the Goddess was. It was not whom we normally encounter.

EDIT: I normally wear a black robe. I own two of them. They are hung next to each other in the closet. They are hard to miss. I could not find either of them. After an exhaustive search, I oped for the white robe, which I almost never wear.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Astral Dream and Some Magick

I awoke this morning remembering a dream.

Before me stood a spiritual being. My immediate instinct was to put my forehead to Its feet. I did that. Immediately, I entered my astral body. I astrally projected: 0 feet! I was laying across my own body forming an equal-armed cross.

There are various equal-armed crosses that serve as initiation badges on various paths. I have no idea if this means I am making progress or if the cross meant that I am not going to move further.

I tried to project across the lower planes. I didn't move. The being told me that I am doing it wrong. Without any sensation at all, I was in a castle. It was my castle. I was then distracted by a sexy woman...poof dream and projection over. I hate falling for that test!

Tonight, I met with my friend, Flower, and did some magick Conclave style. We encountered a new goddess that took me to task. I will post that tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a coworker's husband.  The man died after a relatively short fight with cancer. So, my friend/coworker had time to prepare herself. Nonetheless, I admire the way she handled the entire thing. She demonstrated a class and decorum that I think few could match.

I noticed how the man eulogized was much like me. The traits I view as personally negative were portrayed positively. This is the form of funerals. However, it was the same way that my supporters speak of me when I beat myself up over what I perceive of as my negative traits. I am not sure what to make of that. They also spoke of positive traits that I do not possess.

The other thing I noticed was the architecture of the church. In the ceiling one could see a deeply recessed equal-armed cross. Light shone from somewhere within its form. Suspended within and beneath this cross was a standard Christian cross made of very thin simple wood. This struck me as much more the healing aspect of Jesus that folks talk about rather than the horrid image I grew up with of a crucified Jesus hanging on the back wall of the church.

I enjoyed it when others prayed for the deceased. There was no spiritual longing. There was no selfishness. I could feel the pleasant love of those in attendance. That was very nice.

Monday, December 12, 2011

One Straight Line

It is no secret I have been having a lot of issues of late. To say there were/are bad would be an understatement. Frankly, I scared myself. In my entire life, I have never been worried about me. As a result, I sought some professional help. Today, I made an important discovery.

The first counselor had some transference issues. She was so upset with the situation I came to discuss that she was useless for the issue. I had seen her ten years ago during my divorce. I know she is good and helpful but when a therapist hears your issue and gets visibly angry at the people involved, she cannot help you. She did, however, diagnose me with PTSD. This stemmed from an incident involving my former coven.

Being properly diagnosed was a huge help. It explained why previous attempts at therapy for obsession and frustration issues simply didn't work. They were treating the symptom, not the problem.

I asked my sister, who is in the mental health field, and she gave me a recommendation to a psychologist. This fellow viewed the incident as "incredibly sadistic" but didn't let this impact him like the first woman did. He has been a great help. My mental pain has been greatly reduced. My obsession is again under control. It isn't gone but it is under control. I certainly no longer feel emotional pain when the obsession tries to starts and only a little anger. This is a huge breakthrough. I still have a LOT of work to do on this issue.

I haven't posted about this as the idea took some time to get used to and there was nothing of significance as far was doing the Work goes. Today was different.

Basically, I went to him with the PTSD and two other issues that I have in my life that to me were just personality defects that I wanted fixed. In order to get PTSD something traumatic must happen but you also must be predisposed to it. There has to be something else going on that allows it to take hold. I don't quite understand that as to me anyone in a war zone ought to get PTSD. Do humans really need a predisposition for that? Then again, some veterans don't deal with PTSD. So, the professionals may be right. I don't understand these things.

A few people all had the same theory as to why I had such a hard time with the coven incident. It turns out their reasoning, which was not unreasonable, was incorrect.

This doctor was able to draw a straight line in my life from a disturbing dream I had when I was five, to school yard incidents, to other life incidents, to the PTSD, to my frustation issues. All of them form one straight line. They are all the same issue in different forms.

I find this utterly fascinating. The only way I can explain how a dream of a five year old connects to traumatic future life incidents is that our souls are born with a challenge to overcome. Sometimes, the sages of old were correct. Who would have thought that?

I feel like I am finally getting some tools to deal with the PTSD and the other issues that have held me back. I have no doubt I'd have faced all these issues in time during the course of my work and dealt with them were it not for that one incident that caused the PTSD. Getting that under control will change my life for the better.

There is hope now. If nothing else, I have been able to shed any self-blame for the incident. This is good.

I have gone through total destruction before as part of my GD work. That time, I was alone. There was no one willing to be supportive that knew how to be. This time, I have had a host of friends that were there. My chosen brother L was a big help as were other Bakersfield friends. My Gal, my ex, despite having a fiance', a job, her own health issues and a brand new baby contacted me every single day. If she couldn't find me on instant messenger, she texted. If I didn't respond fast enough, she called. My long time friend, The Witch, also stuck in for the long hall. My friends J and A also helped a great deal Without these people, there would have been no hope at all. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Temporarily Illiterate

I have been feeling the urge to study of late. Specifically, I want to look into the adept level GD tarot spread that takes just this side of forever to perform. I've never had any interest in that before. Also, Jack mentioned something about the Thoth tarot that I want to look into that I feel will take my readings to the next level.

The problem is that when I pick up a book I can read about a sentence. After that, I simply do not care. If I try to push, it is like reading French written by an Italian that knew neither English nor French.

I suppose this may be a sign that I am picking up again. That same sign is also saying I am not ready yet. I am not frustrated by this. I am only a bit annoyed when I give in and try to pick up a book and hit that language barrier.

The only thing that interests me at the moment is working with the Conclave of the Greek Key. To me, this group is what I always thought a coven was supposed to be. We all have great trust in each other. I also trust the gods we are dealing with. Now, I know that gods often have an agenda of their own that doesn't fit with our own. For reasons I cannot explain, I trust these gods anyway. Completely.

I cannot imagine not getting back to ceremonial magick and all that it entails. Sooner or later, that will happen. I want to do magick again. I am just not sure how and I know (cue Bush 1) it wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

I do feel there is a greater depth to me now. There will be a greater depth to my magick once I am out of this place.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I think I have hit on the secret of this initiatory trauma. Time will tell.

Identifying with Thoughts

When I speak publicly on the tarot, I make the point that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are transient and mutable our souls are fixed (from a one-life perspective) and immortal. Since we identify as our thoughts, most people give me strange looks. My point is usually lost in a fog of bewilderment.

I mention this because some evangelicals knocked on my door today. In my opinion, evangelicals are among the rudest humans on the planet. The very idea of knocking on my door to interfere with my spiritual practices demonstrates a hubris even an ego-maniac Leo cannot comprehend. I believe they should be educated regarding their rudeness. However, 90% of the time, I am polite to them. This irritates me. 

Trust me, there is a tie in to the first paragraph in a minute.

So today, I am watching a documentary on Anti-Semetism. They made the statement that the Holocaust was the worst such event ever. This is a statement I took for granted until recently. That statement is rarely made with any qualification. Is it worst due to numbers, brutality, proportion of the population, perniciousness or something else? I can think of Rwanda, Cambodia, the Balkans and Armenian genocides off the top of my head. Is it being 'the worst' a valid statement? I simply don't know but a genocide is never good. Is this statement more of a cultural identity? "We are the most abused?" 

Think about that statement for a moment and its impact. If you buy into that cultural identity, would there be a danger is seeing abuse where there is none? Wouldn't 'owning' that abuse make you fearful, resentful and looking for the next thing to be fearful and resentful about? I am not speaking here of the lot of the Jewish people. I am making a general statement about identifying with a negative belief. 

What I noticed even more is that I accept claims of anti-Semetism with greater ease than I do of racial or gender discrimination. I began to wonder why. Maybe it is because I've seen what I believe to be false claims of those things in my life but I have never seen a case of anti-Semetism in my personal life -- real or imagined. Maybe I accept it more readily because the Jewish people have better PR. I don't know. I do know that the documentary, by an Israeli, seems to be claiming there are much fewer serious incidents than the Jewish culture would have you believe. 

The problem is that you really don't know what is going on if you were not there to witness the incident, even so, opinions vary. Two people witnessing the same incident often have two distinct points of view. 

This is much like the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas issue. All an impartial observer could tell is that one of them was lying or mistaken. Any other viewpoint reflected more of a bias than anything else. Many people took a stand on who was to be believed based on their own political point of view rather than the facts of the case, which amounted to he said/she said at the time. 

So, you ask, why is this a blog post?

Because I've been identifying with a lot of my thoughts of late. Given that I am in a head space that is so utterly negative that it is literally scary, I am identifying with, well, very negative things. 

(The previous sentence was sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department "When you really have to say it ad nauseum.")

I am thinking of simply noticing the thought and letting it go as in meditation. In order to do that, I am going to duck questions of my well being and mental state when asked by my friends. I am not sure how possible this is but I do know there is a me under all this negativity. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Vitamin B

I noticed this morning that I haven't remembered any dreams the last two days. I realized that I stopped taking the Vitamin B. I am getting more and more convinced that Vitamin B aids in dream recall.

Nothing New

There is nothing really new in my state of mind. I remain rabidly depressed. Though, from time to time, I am succeeding in breaking through into a good mood that lasts several hours. I am still staying away from magick.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Watershed Moment?

Last night, I went to bed with an entirely different attitude. The cycling thoughts tried to intervene but just like in a meditation, I was able to say no, quietly, and those thoughts departed. This may be normal for most people but not I. Negative thoughts often cycle through my brain of their own accord. They wind me up to a frenzy. This sparks certain behaviors that I don't like.

There was a quiet conscious decision as those thoughts occurred last night, "No." It worked. It felt a bit like Tai Chai. I simply redirected the incoming energy. I do not know if it will work today or tomorrow. I do know it worked last night and I slept beautifully.

Today, I am a bit scared for a couple of reasons. The Dalai Lama's ideas of choosing an emotional response to given situations and by looking at the problems situations would cause had they broken the way I wanted to has had an impact. I can see the unhappiness had my coven situation gone another way. Do I really want to be engaged with some of those folks? No, their attitudes about certain things are so contradictory to my own that I'd be unhappy to get along by going along. Others in that group, I'd be more than happy to associate with. However, the problems caused by the others certainly would have a chance to trump that happiness in tragic ways. I am looking at other more recent blows and seeing them the same way.

So why is that scary? Because known to others or not, these perspectives very much colored my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. Changing those perspectives will change my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. This is uncharted territory.

My mind is not afraid at all. However, I am having a physical fear reaction. If you lived in my head, you'd find that contradiction utterly fascinating. It is like living on the edge of the qabalistic G'uph (physical body/soul) and the Ruach (personality/mind soul). I can see both acting independently. It is pretty cool. Which being pretty cool with being scared is, well, a unique sensation.

The second reason for being afraid is something John Michael Greer once told me. He said that he was amazed at, "...what some people feed their heads." The phrase has always stuck with me. I thin he meant some of the garbage spewed forth in the name of entertainment and the like. I am not sure as that conversation was five or six years ago.

In this case, this is what his words sparked within me.

In my occult career, I have always worked on myself. I was deeply moved by the internal purification process. That isn't going to work anymore. The parts of me left that I viewed as needing purification no longer really exist. They are not real parts of me but habits. Simply put, they are dead but given that there is nothing left to replace them they live as ghosts in my machine. I am now working on things to replace them.

The first step is improving my reading material. While I didn't realize this when I picked it up, The Art of Happiness at Work by the Dalai Lama was my first step in this direction. I don't think think the rest of my magickal work will be so focused on the purification part. No doubt I will revisit those themes from time to time but it will not be my continual primary focus.

So, I suppose the second reason for fear is related to the first. This represents a great change as well.

Side Note:

I am not a huge fan of Pen Jilette but this USA Today promotional material for his book God No! lays out his atheist ten commandments. They look pretty impressive to me.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Art of Happiness - Post 1

Well, I am living a non-active magickal life right now. I don't do any magick at all except a little meditation and not much of that.

I am realizing that I am focusing on negative things not because I want to, heck, some of them are really unknowns or illusionary feelings. When I fished around for positive things, I have many. I have some good friends, a job, a warm house, and I was recently able to help someone out of a horrible living situation. Yet, these positive thoughts do not hold my attention. My mind loops back to silly unresolvable items in the past.

I have some plans for creating a wider variety of positive things to engage with and thus occupy my mind. This though, upon closer inspection, seems just as illusionary. Their is not positive and negative but a given state of awareness.

In recognition of that, I am reading the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness. As a I read the book, I will post a few quotes or thoughts.

  • Whatever one's line of work, we are all just working to take care of ourselves
  • If there is injustice, then I think inaction is the wrong response. Th Buddhist texts mention what is called 'misplaced tolerance' or 'misplaced forbearance...[the action taken] depends on the situation." (page 20)
One of the things that struck me was a discussion of impossible situations. How can we feel better and be happy, which he says is the purpose of life, when we are unfairly treated, oppressed and the like? He says we can analyze emotional reactions and choose which one serves us better for the long term. Which emotional reaction can I have now, that will make me the happiest later? While logical, I never thought of it this way.

The Dalia Lama says we can begin this process by realizing that no situation is 100% good or 100% bad. You can also realize that had the situation gone the way you wanted it, there would be other problems that would come of that. You may be better off as defeated than victorious.

That said, one should not confuse contentment with complacency. You can still strive for that victory in other ways. However if that fails, be content with what you have. That contentment diffuses a great deal of frustration.

The author translator points out there is a danger here. We can rationalize things away but that is not true contentment.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Spewing Forth

A comment from Atlantic on my post about a dream got me thinking. The post described a building being built from the top down. I looked it at as if the supernals, Greater Neschemah or the Immortal soul manifesting by descending. The empty space beneath the building was a metaphor for the things I have lost this year. He mentioned that it was a process of rebuilding the personality.

I have heard that there comes a time when I magician gets to specifically select aspects to incorporate into his personality. I have also heard that this is an outstanding in my life to do nothing. Obviously, therein lies a dilemma.

Right now, all that seems to be coming out of my mouth is the negative part of my personality. The rest of my goodness is hidden but watching. It perceives the attitude being displayed and knows that it isn't real. I am saying things that display a horrible negative perception of my future. I am saying that I feel hopeless. Though, this isn't true. I think I feel lost right now and like I have little left in my life save some really good friends. Which, I must admit, is more than I had the last time I went through wide spread dissolution. 

I actually am very down about my present; I am not so down about my future in every aspect. There are a few things I am very down there on but not everything. The odd part is that one very aware part of me is listening to another very aware part of my personality say things both parts know are not factually correct regarding my own attitude. This is truly fascinating. I actually enjoy the sensation of being doubly aware.

At the moment, my plan is to let the part that watches interrupt the part that is spewing forth this stuff.