Ratziel

I had a long IM chat with a friend last night. He knows who he is. We talked of the things that make up my 'issue'. He was trying to say much. I could not hear. He did offer me some advice on another issue. True it was another issue but it was the same, related at least. The advice was simple. Divine.

I'm a fair hand at the tarot. The resolution to one issue was silence as represented by Harpocrat on one of the cards. The other was the end of the monkey mind represented by the two of swords. I focussed on the later.

The twos all mean "nothing can stop you now" in one form or another as I read the cards. I took a leap and conjured the archangel of Chockmah Ratziel. It was a bit harder to reach him than Kedemel using his sigil written on a black mirror. When I first recieved a taste of him (her? it?) he counseled persistence. I listened and continued.

He said my problem was "the imaginary other". I immediately understood. I see the actions, be they good bad or indifferent, and create the the 'whole' in my mind. This created image is something I can defend with the poisoned logic Taphtharath pointed out to me.

I began to ask to understand the real whole of many people. Naturally, I saw not their 'whole' but a new aspect. The friend I mentioned above feels he owes me debt. This feeling was so profound that it was nearly overwhelming. Yet, this man owes me nothing at all, nothing. Yet, I'm confident I understood a part of him I never knew before no did he ever hint at.

I was given a glimpse of some others too. Some friends, some not. A work friend K really does love me. It isn't romantic love of any sort but one of kindness and friendship. That was nice. I've always thought her to be quite kind.

I glimpsed my silent mentor, close friends, work acquaintances. With each viewing of a greater part of them. I felt more whole. Peace profound. At some point, I saw the figure of Harpocrat as he appears in the Thoth tarot.

In rereading this, the trance seemed quite short but I assure it lasted quite a long time or at least felt like it. I have, of course, not relayed what I saw when I was shown greater parts of others than I had perceived. 

The trance states using the black mirror have been very effective. This technique has become an instant favorite. My only concern is that it is a bit like being on drugs in that coming down is hard. It isn't hard as in difficult but more like the trance state lasts long after I've left the altar.

Kedemel

Tonight, I adopted the Poke Runyon method for goetic evocation to Kedemel. I didn't do the full rite of course. I simply used a black mirror with the sigil of Kedemel fashioned out of white crayon. I chanted a spontaneous chat and conjured the spirit.

She would not let me see her as I had not done the proper rites but said that it is unlikely she could have appeared to me anyway. I told her that I wanted to reconcile her energies and stop suppressing them. She wasn't impressed.

Her mantra was that my problem is that I am not in proper relations with the people in my life, my various levels of the soul and other unnamed things. Her job was to put me in proper relations. Once that occurs, my communications will be better along with my frustrations. I could feel something odd occur as she worked on aligning my subtle bodies. The feeling can only be described like a chiropractor's alignment of the spine. There were distinct feelings of the bodies moving.

Towards the end I heard, "You are within the Grace of God". The Grace of God is a title of Haniel, archangel of Netzach where Venus (Nogah) resides on the tree of life. There was a feeling of deep peace at this. I KNOW I made connection with an angel of Netzach, which is reasonably far up the tree.  I am very much still in an 'open' state of mind.

I will use this method of achieving a trance state again. The method needs some fine tuning to work best but this was a jolly good first try.

My Friend Taph

Well adventures continue. My back issues returned along with his presence. I've been sappy emotional (before pain meds) and rather volcanically emotional at times as well.

Some Results...

In my Live From Pantheacon post, I mentioned I received a Hebrew Lot reading from Elisheva Nesher. The context of the reading was "How can I get past being stuck in my chosen path?" I don't normally discuss my Golden Dawn life here at all. Truth be told I've been stuck in the same initiatory grade for four years. Given the potential fall out of that sort of longevity in this grade, I have held it together quite well.

The first thing she said was that I've been traumatized in a religious setting by someone I'd call 'sister'. She doesn't know me and that pegged some things so clearly there she had my complete attention. She said this person "sinned against me" and then she used some adjective like grievously.  She went on to say that I blame myself. She emphasized quite clearly that this situation was not caused by my actions and I am not responsible for the actions of others.

Elisheva is a former Israeli commando. She is a grandmother that would be happy to bake you cookies and show you great love and kindness. She is also one tough matriarch. When Elisheva looks you in the eye because she has something to say, you listen.

This self-blame has left me with my nose on the door, the right and proper door but unable to walk through due to the fear that if I try to cross the portal again, another person will come that I will allow to commit another such traumatizing act. Her advice was to learn to enter trance states while working on the problem. She also advised a few other things. Some of which I will keep private. The others, like branching off and out of my tradition for various workings, I've already done. This is not to leave the tradition I am in but simply expand myself.

So last night, I began doing tarot readings to determine which spirit I should contact in said trance state. A spirit of Luna was eliminated. A spirit of Mercury was confirmed. This made sense as I have some anger issues as well. Anger is often the result of adversely impacted Mercury. The results can be sarcasm, verbal expressions of anger, destructive logic, etc. I can be guilty of all of those but the latter is my real issue with my 'issue'.

So last night, I am trying to meditate and I hear a very clear voice say, "Taphthartharath". Is a planetary spirit of Mercury. It seemed a good idea to meditate on the name. Now, this is poor CM practices as Taphthartharath is below the planetary angel and intelligence. He is a blind force. Blind forces are dangerous. A good CMer will call the spirits superiors first.

I did it anyway.

So, nothing much a happened but a quieter voice told me I'd need the equivilent spirit of Venus as well.

Today, I was full of energy, spunk and fire. Snappish. Wasp-like. My mind felt like I'd drank twenty cups of coffee and snorted a few lines. My thoughts jumped to and fro in a frenzy. I had so much energy that I speed home at lunch at 80 mph and I simply do not drive like that. I was verbally spouting off about my issue. Pissed at other drivers for no reason and verbalizing that too. Then, out of my mouth fell, "I am Taphthartharath." I understood that this blind force was the root of my obsession, flurries of thought and the like over my issue.

He told me that I can not control him but I can reconcile him. After that, the mind frenzy calmed down a bit and then faded as the day wore on.

I will be working with him and some other spirits. Maybe, just maybe, I have this obsession thing with my issue in my sights. I would so love to leave it behind. It has made the last six years or so of my life seriously less enjoyable. Frankly, much of it has been controlled misery.