I Am What I Am?

Identity

I am feeling an unexpected change taking place. I am asking the question, "Am I pagan?" Of course, I work work pagan gods with the Conclave of the Greek Key. Pagan is a very generic word. For all intents and purposes it means non-Christian. Am I that? Would the deity that is the Christ be as bothersome as I feel he is? The Helpful Deity and the rest of the Greeks certainly surprised me.

I have long said that spirituality transcends religion. If it does, as spiritual as I feel at this point, am I beyond a religous label? That sounds arrogant as hell. Then again, I've never identified as particular religious. I have always been more of a generic aspirant.

Am I a magician anymore? Am I something else? Does a label matter? Can I self-define as Robert?

Dream

Last night, I dreamed a dream of disasters. There was a huge flood coming. I was stopped at a rail road crossing out in a country area. There were rolling green hills. WitchDoctorJoe was in a car next to me. We both realized the train was out of control and was about to be hit by the flood. We turned our cars around and headed up hill. The 'road' was still a road but it was clipped grass, no pavement. Joe abandonned his car and was running beside mine. That dude was fast. I gave him the chance to get in my car but he just kept running along side. At some point, we came across something on fire. There was a lot of implied elements. We never saw the flood, the train, or the fire. Yet we both knew of the danger of sticking around. Neither of us was afraid in the slightest.

Tonight, the Stavish meditation turns to the final element, Spirit. After a week of that, I start on planets.

Back

My back pain has moved into high gear again.

Manifestation Meditation: Sun Room

Manifestation Meditation

Previously, I posted that I did the MM and found a temple in Malkuth. In Qabala, the angel of Malkuth is Sandalphon. S/he is closely associated with prayer. The temple is obviously a place of prayer. I have only been in the entrance way and hallway. Once I get to a certain point inside, I fly up to a higher place. Recently, I cannot even get that far inside. Once I get close enough to the building, up I fly.

I land in a place of a higher level of my soul. I land in a place with solar imagery. From there, I am talking to something. It is either my HGA, but that isn't the sound of his voice, nor do I see him, or my Greater Neschemah or some other version of me that I am not aware of.

What I do know is that it is odd to get chastised by your Self. The book on the Manifestation Meditation is LOUDLY being proclaimed as part of my Life Work. Interestingly, I was told to allow my ego to fantasize about huge sales and that sort of thing, if that is the motivation I need to do it. Of course, I was told that was crap. However, to use my ego if I needed to.

Today, at lunch, I did the meditation. In the "sun room" as I will now call it, I found a compass. It is a strange device. It points due East. I could ask the compass questions about what to do. If my course of action was not 'correct', the needle would swing violently. If it wanted to instruct me as to what was not correct, it would arc back and forth to the cardinal point representative of the incorrect action. Like my failure to work on the MM book, pushed the need South. Fire - will, desire - misapplied. The answers I found within the compass were obviously correct.

This is a personal tool that I pray lasts a long time. I want to live by that compass for a while and see how things work out. I hope this wasn't a one off thing.

Psychic Experience

Today, I had an internal conversation with a former lover. I was just thinking of her, in a non-romantic way, and her voice popped into my head. We had a brief conversation. I used to think the other person had to be aware of these conversations for them to be 'true'. I am now believing that we can connect with people in such ways when they do not know of it or remember it.

In a related area, WitchDoctorJoe has a great post on intuition called B is for Biopsy. He is doing the Pagan Blog Project too.

Dreams

I recall two dreams from last night. My dream recall is obviously getting better.

I was going to visit my father. There was a very difficult turn left turn to make. I was at a stop sign, near an oncoming curve on a busy road. In order to make a left, I had to risk being in a blind area for oncoming traffic. The signs to the 99 Freeway were none existent. The sign I did see referred to two different freeways in opposite direction. I decided to go left.

As I said the traffic was heavy. Eventually, I just floored it and made it in. Though, the car hestitated at just the wrong moment. As soon as I got on that road, I was in front of an expensive house with a good amount of land in front of it. I knew this was my dad's though he didn't live there in life. I found him laying on his back dead in the front yard. He was partially 'in' the earth and partially above it. His body was covered with a green substance that was hard and dry. I went to clear his nostrils of the stuff but they were clear. I could see the precise point where the green stopped.

This is a high level of detail for a dream of mine.

Finding dad dead, difficult turn onto 99, no signs, trying to get to Bakersfield. Traffic heavy, making a left from a stop sign. Eventually went for it, car sputtered, dangerous but no accident. Went to dad's mansion.

Dream Two

I lived in a older but very quaint suburban neighborhood. The lady next door cleaning our step and gate  area. There was an emotional hint that we do not do a very good job with our lawn There were lots of people in the house, all female, witches. The age range was from kids to old people.

A beautiful 18 year old naked woman made it clear she wanted me. I was very kind turning her away, I gave her soft kiss on the forehead like I sometimes do to express close friendships with women.  I felt like a loving uncle only there was no such relationship. She kept trying, the older women eventually said that they had no problem with what she was doing but she was making them uncomfortable and to go put some clothes on.

The same dream moved with much of the same people to some kind of court proceeding. There was a bus ride to get there. We stopped at a fast food restaurant to eat. In court, the proceedings started when the court clerk came in a booted up his pc. He was late. The pc started playing music that interrupted the court. I found it odd the judge didn't say anything. There was only a little testimony but I can't recall what was said.


My Take

The first dream was odd. I give myself credit for seeing fine detail in the dream. Green is the color of proper desire at this point for me. I am sure that figures into it but I am not sure how.

The second dream shows that I have a chance of not falling for the naked woman trick the next time I have a lucid dream. When I am lucid, if I respond to a woman at all the dream ends.