Monday, December 12, 2016

Taming the Lion (Theurgic Work in Chesed)

In previous posts I have made references to work that I am currently doing to balance out a rookie mistake from my early days in Qabala. Basically, due to fear of being attacked by the unknown, I called upon the forces of Geburah (the sphere of Severity on the Tree of Life) way too often. This caused long-term problems.

The only way I can describe the results is explosive reaction disorder. If people addressed me reasonably they normally (but not always) received a reasonable answer. As soon as they fell into obvious denial, revisionist history, or similar gas lighting they got it with both barrels. If I was frustrated by any given event, even a conversation, people got both barrels. If someone did something to others that angered me, they got it with both barrels! It was easy to set me up to look bad because there was always anger present under the surface.  If you screwed me over, insulted me, betrayed me, etc. you were doomed. Oddly, I was very difficult internally as well. I was just as hard on myself as others. I was brutal to myself. I did not put up with my faults and worked my ass off to heal them even when no one else could tell. When I saw problematic things I sincerely apologized for them.

From time to time I would dream of a nuclear explosion. These moments showed me my anger had cost a relationship. I understood these moments. I knew why people were pissed or, even when I thought they were wrong to be angry, I got it. What really got to me and what I never understood was long-term denial. To this day I still have little respect for denial and revisionist histories. Denial is the cushion of stagnation. It makes being the same as you’ve always been comfortable.
There has been a slow and study improvement of these behaviors. I am much slower to fall into making frustrated outbursts. The biggest leap can when I experienced the Perfection but there were many incremental improvements over the years.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been invoking the powers of Chesed, the sphere of Mercy. While I will not reveal my techniques, I will say that I called upon the powers and prayed to them to balance the forces of Geburah in my life. I never asked for the severity to go away because there are times when a fierce response is appropriate. I have no desire to surrender that ability. This work had produced interesting results.

First and foremost I have people at work going out of their way to compliment me and show me how my work is contributing to the organization. For years it bothered me greatly that I was apparently doing things that had no impact. Being told I am making a positive contribution at work is quite refreshing. I have also had people tell me that other people are saying nice things behind my back. This too is pleasant.

Strangers have gone out of there way to be nice to me in public. When I was hurting due to my back two strangers asked if they could help me to my car. Another gave up her seat for me as I was waiting in a government office. While sitting there I struck up a conversation with the people next to me. That behavior is a bit unusual for me. They asked me what I did. When I told them they thanked me because their adult son is a mental health patient. My job makes their job as his parents much easier.

Secondly, random memories have been resurfacing.  I recalled telling my father I was taking a computer class during my college days. He asked me if they taught about Grace Hopper. She was a great computer genius that created the language COBOL and debugged the first computer...literally. I remember the face of a woman I worked with many years ago. I cannot recall her name or anything about her other than we worked at the same place. I suddenly remembered a violent scene in a television show that made me quite sick to my stomach to recall. None of these memories are connected or appear to have any significance.  I am a bit baffled as to why they are coming up. If they were focused on my own bad behavior, or related actions others that would make sense but these appear to be random.

My only conclusion is that Chesed is related to the sphere of the mind (Hod) on the Tree of Life and there may be some cross stimulation. The other idea is that Chesed in just below Binah, the sphere that connects us to all things. It can be described as a mother’s intuition on a huge scale. Perhaps such things are stimulated by proximate contact. I have no idea.

Lastly, people I know are having conversations with me. They are going out of their way to engage with me, where they did not before. I am guessing that all that defensive work I did with Geburah built a wall that made me unapproachable to some. The Chesed work appears to be removing that wall or at least showing me it can come down. 


At this point,  I am simply reporting what I am experiencing as I have started to invoke the powers of Chesed. I have not reached firm conclusions as of yet. This will be continued in a future post. 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Chesed Work: Personal Working Notes for the Past Week

What follows are my own working notes on some ritual work I have been doing. These are basically notes that I write to myself. They are mostly unedited and without context, unless you've been reading my most recent posts. Had these not been published they would be slightly different, such as mentioning my wife's name rather than calling her my wife. 

I have noticed in the past week many dreams where my dark side is being pointed out. I am not being provided any information that I am aware of as I know what my dark side is. 

11/27/2016

Did a bit more formal work. This time I blessed myself with water just dedicating it to Taliahad and fire just dedicated to Aral. 

Upon reaching Chesed I saw a humble gold crown. It was as if the crown was speaking. It told me that I had done well by doing the ritual given how hard a day I have had. This work is getting me more psychically open and the large family holiday event really got to me. I basically shut down. The voice told me to continue doing what I am doing as it will get harder.

The crown then told me that most of my work is mental as that was all I was capable of years ago when I summoned Geburah so frequently.

When I finished I immediately received a message of joy from a friend referencing luck and water. Both of these are appropriate to the working. 

11/28/2016

I am feeling under pressure. There is no angst to it and nothing external. I feel more like I am in a pressure cooker. (5:41 PM)

11/30/2016

I had a dream last night that felt very astral. As if someone had come to speak with me in the dream world. I could not quite wake up enough to have a conversation. Moon in Sagittarius.
Meditation tonight. It was reasonably good. Someone did get up and I could feel the bubble of her energy passing around the bubble of my own.

I saw a strange red and white beast that may be my accumulated fears of projection. I ignored it.
I had many visions of events from my past. No, more of random minor players in life. Such thoughts are common in my mind over the last few days.

12/1/2016

Performed CHesed Ritual. The crown again appeared. I asked that the powers of Chesed balance the powers of Geburah that I may exhibit strength without impotent martial anger and whatever other lessons you deem fit. Immediately I heard, “There are many.” I repeated my request. I was told that I am ready for these lessons but that from time to time I will still bounce around the Tree of Life. I was given an olive branch with its green leaves still upon it that was a long as the distance between my finger tips and shoulder. “This means more than you know.”

12/2/2016

I meditated using the technique my wife taught me. That basically has to do with grounding better beforehand. This felt much better and I was able to hold the meditation much longer. I was prompted to do the Chesed ritual as a meditational exercise. As I am writing this more than 24 hours later I cannot recall what the crown said to me. I do recall in leaving Chesed in Briah seeing a bright blue door above me that was obviously the entrance/exit to that realm.

12/3/2016


I simply meditated using my wife’s technique. All I did was stay grounded. I was able to hold the meditation for 40 minutes. This technique holds a lot of promise for me.