Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Asperger's II

They kids began acting up today for the first time since Friday night. Not too shabby for ten minute's work.

Tonight, I went back. Fire Boy's fire was below him again. This time I asked why and was told to look to another child. So, I glanced at one of the few young people I know and saw how the fire was in her. In her case it was in Malkuth but traveled to the outside paths of Shin and Qoph then up to a certain point on those pillars. So, I mimicked that with Fireboy. I moved the fire, directed its path and then sealed Malkuth, Hod and Netzach. Kid fire does not go up to Yesod. The implications of puberty are obvious. 

The only problem I had was bringing the fire fully to Netzach. I do not think I quite got it there.

I did see his brother as being tied to Fire Boy by iron bars. Oddly, they sleep in a shared bed that has iron bars. Regardless, the ties looked like normal brother ties. However, there was one at foot level that gives the brother all sorts of trouble. When I touched it, I could see him kick. He was very uncomfortable.

I told their mom about it. I have permission to remove just that one bar next time.


My friend's child was diagnosed with Aspergers. She has a younger child that may have it as well.

Friday night, I performed a healing session. The boys were asleep and I just asked the universe which one to work on. I went to Fireboy. So-called because I could see fire underneath him. The visual was of fire burning under Malkuth.

I moved the fire up into the Malkuth sphere and sealed it with the names of G-d of that sphere.

That morning she reported both kids woke fine and behaved like normal kids. Prior to that, every time she woke them, she heard, "I hate you." She also noticed that Fireboy no longer mispronounces his Rs. Apparently, small speech issues are characteristic of the illness.

I am praying this lasts the boy a lifetime. We shall see.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Blind Fear

My magickal skills improved exceptionally with the Saturn rite. In fact, so have my work skills, communication skills, emotional stability, sleep (mostly) and everything else I put my mind to.

Tonight, I was going to start a 28 day lunar rite. As I prepared, I felt out of sorts, like a neophyte trying to do a first little something which is a BIG deal to a neophyte. I noticed but plowed on ahead. Then, as I got closer and closer to being ready, I began to feel afraid. This sensation kept getting worse. 

I am a man that will go into temple afraid. However, this was getting ridiculous. My heart raced. I began to sweat. 

I checked void of course moon and, yes, we are on for a long one. Now, I can work and heal in a void of course. It just takes a bit more focus and a solid sense of astral reality. Then it hit me! It is void of course and there is a massive storm over half the population of my country. YIKES.

My magical abilities serve me well in most weather conditions. I can even do rain or wind. Stormy, rainy and windy? Nope. Not yet. Even though it is fine here, I may be more senstive now and a huge storm like that may just have enough influence to whack me out. For those of you new to this, "Whack me out," is a magickal technical term that you'll learn as you advance. 

So, given the scope of what I was about to do, I think the storm and void of course were my problem. My soul was screaming for me to stop and it registered as fear. 

Make a note of that. When something feels off, check it out. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Most Wonderful Soul Reading (She of Spirit)

Yesterday, I performed a very educational soul reading.

Rather that the usual description of events, I am going to focus on what I learned.

Lately, I have been seeing an overlay upon a person before I get into the meat of the reading. In her case, I saw a goddess, maybe the goddess. She wore a crown and, behind her, the starry night sky. That was just the beginning!

Her animal soul (Nephesch) was Native American. I learned later she is of such ancestry. I was soon struck by the age of her animal soul. I thought them always to be children or in the case of older people early to be mid teenagers. Hers was a fully grown adult male Native American living within a crater like depression in the earth. He had a carved out home, like the Anasazi cliff dwellers. Quickly, I learned Nepesch had lived with her for lifetimes! I had previously posited that animal souls died with the body. Maybe they do as a norm but not hers.

At some point in a prior lifetime, she managed to make whole all her soul parts and this allowed the Nephesch to live on. It makes me recall seeing someone's Nephesch trying to better itself and rise up in worship of the divine. That image now makes so much more sense. Nephesch can live on. As I type, I am amazed at the ontological ramifications of this. I haven't a clue where to start.

So here it gets even more unusual. There are other living beings within the world of her Nephesch. I have seen splinters of the lower self before and even 'thought forms' of trauma or of the reaction to trauma. I have never seen fully autonomous beings within the world of someone's Nephesch.  These beings at the direction of her shaman 'lower soul', formed a circle and danced in a counter-clockwise direction. The shaman offered her a gift which represented her full story and was intended to sooth the pain from her internal views of unworthiness.

She refused the gift. I think she is the first one to ever refuse a gift in a soul reading. I think that is because she was well aware of the paradigm altering effect accepting the gift would have.

(Note: this was a gift one part of her soul was giving another part of her soul which was refused. This process is exactly what restrains every aspect of spiritual growth. No matter the religion, refusing or categorizing gifts from G-d delays the inevitable growth of spirit. Pain is the result. Suffering.

Though, suffering is a good thing. It teaches us that the things we thought were important are not. This is why both the Buddha and Jesus suffered so in the wilderness. The suffering on the cross had a different meaning.)

Her automatic personality was next. Normally, this is couched in vague qabalistic symbolism of the generic Tree of Life. Nope. Hers was a full personality! She was HUGE, not fat, HUGE. I am not sure how to interpret that other than as import to my client's life. 

From this point, I will this client She of the Spirit.

The woman of her automatic personality appeared seated behind an unadorned table. Perhaps that lack of adornment means that she has no precise religious dogma to appease but accepted the simplicity of spirit. She held, in each hand, a small offering bowl of liquid. She sipped from each one. This was an externally offered and internally accepted libation of the highest order.

Note: Libations and prayers to the Great Spirit, God, the Creatrix, or any god whatsoever must be fully internalized. The offering must come fully from soul sans guilt or worry. It is communion.

This woman in her own priestess.

Once I got past the sheer beauty of this sight, I looked around for the more typical issues of the automatic personality. I found none in the realm of desire. What I found lay within the intellect/emotion center of Hod, the eighth sephira of the Tree of Life. As far as I can tell, this is the most troublesome sephira of them all.

Here she lives with an overexagerated idea regarding her negative impact on others. She not only owns the pain of whomever she hurts but magnifies it beyond all reality. If, emotionally speaking, she kicks your shin, she feels like she broke your leg, owns the pain and the blame, devalues herself and blocks her true Spirit from manifesting fully. She is mistaking compassion (suffering with) with the sensation of pain she feels she caused another. Then she owns it to a ridiculous degree. 

There is something more going on here. She is in the process of expanding her soul to include the other. This is what is allowing her to feel such intense pain. It is a bit like making love in that  you feel the other's responses as your own. Yet this is beyond the physical and moves into accepting that other into being as a whole -- to stay there.

This is quite painful because everyone is in pain. Given the wide variety of pains we suffer as the human race, no one can know them all. So, when we feel them from within ourselves as felt by the other, they are shockingly intense.

She of Spirit is mistaking the pains of those she loves and respects as caused by her. While true in the most globally generic sense (we are all one, brothers and sisters united, and therefore all our pains are mutually caused and; since we are one, even if not the cause, pain is a shared experience as is love and all other things) it is not true in the personal sense.

The gift of her Shaman nature would have released this tension, removed that ownership of overblown cause and given her a more holistic understanding of her being, her perfection. In lieu of that gift, I advised going to Sedona and seeing the night sky on a night that was just a little cold and contemplating the vastness of the All. She is going in the spring.

I then moved to her Divine Personality. Holy Trees of Life Batman! I saw what can only be described as full Tree DNA. There were thousands of Trees of Life amongst many big ones. They were all interconnected and glorious. At the time, I saw that over lifetimes (she as is old as the Tower of Babel) she has reconciled so many pairs of opposites that the understanding perpetuates to this day. Now, I am reminded of the four world view of the Tree which places the Tree of Life as a whole in each of the four worlds. This in effect makes forty sephiroth. However, within each is another full Tree making 400. Theoretically, there is a Tree in each of those and in each of those and in each of those. Theory no more for Robert, I've seen it. Though, I agree with qabalists that actually trying to work within that structure is impractical.

It was here that I understood how the insecurities of the automatic personality were keeping this beauty from manifesting fully here. Further, that she is very close to being a yogi or 'god-center'. A being so full of spirit that others can see it and take sustenance and inspiration from her very presence. THAT CLOSE.

Yet, those insecurities make her feel so far away and so unworthy. Look in the mirror people, every human in is this place. She is just at the precipice. WOW.

Her immortal soul, a name that no longer seems to work for me after seeing a perpetual Nephesch, just kept pulsing one word, "Go. Go. Go."

I hope she does in this lifetime.

Personally, this impacted me more than learning about the soul structure. Often, I too feel so very far way from manifesting my highest divine nature. Maybe there are simply these same stumbling blocks of insecurity in my way. I can now see several of them. Is it just these or a host more? I shall persevere to find out and slay those dragons. Tally ho! Magick is afoot.

Your Focus on Your Truth

Finding your truth does not discount any other but raises those around you for  you see their beauty in a way that can uplift them should they so desire. The path to your truth is merely a focus, an ever tightening lens born of aspiration and hope. When one's vision is finally in focus one sees naught but the beauty of the divine, for you learn you are that beauty and so is all else.

Your vision is closer than you expect and may even appear to be so very wrong to others. For instance, there was a time I railed against Christianity. I saw the message of original sin as demeaning to the human spirit and the psychological states born of believing one is unworthy of God. This unworthiness is pervasive in the human condition and results in all sorts of trouble. Saying this in any form resulted in a huge backlash.

Yet, it was born of the idea, unknown to me at the time, of the inherent perfectness of all things. This, of course, makes original sin an impossible construct. My rebellion against the idea of original sin was born of an understanding of perfect of which I was not aware.

This is what I mean about focus. You get closer. Yet the idea is still malformed. When things snap into focus the resistance of others falls away to nothing as does your resistance of them. For even when resistance does appear, it has no impact whatsoever on the self for the vision is unassailable as it is born not of the ego.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

G-d is Gravity

The exercising of authority reveals that something is out of control. The habit of kings to prove their power only serves to demonstrate its limits. Therefore, there is no Kingdom of God for G-d rules the unfolding of all things as gravity beckons the rushing waters.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Instructions of Cormac

I have been reading Brandon Myers' The Other Side of Virtue. Frankly, I cannot remember when I have been so impressed with a book. Mostly because I feel he shares so well what I have always thought. He simply does it so much better. Further, he had taken my thoughts on things and elevated them. In his work, I have something that has inspired me to new avenues of growth. Expect to read more about this book in the future. He quotes this:

Instructions of Cormac 
(9th Century Ireland)

Be not too wise, not to foolish,
Be not too conceited, be not too diffident,
Be not too haughty, be not too humble,
Be not too talkative, be not too silent,
Be not too harsh, be not too feeble,
If you be too wise, one will expect (too much) of you;
If you be too foolish, you will be deceived;
If you be too conceited, you will be thought vexatious;
If you are too humble, you will be without honour;
If you be too talkative, you will not be headed;
If you be too silent, you will not be regarded;
If you be too harsh, you will be broken;
If you be too feeble, you will be crushed. 

As I read this it became readily apparent that I have been "too" in each category and suffered the corresponding result! Therefore, I am adding this to my daily prayer/remembrance list.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Robert the Magician is Back! (and Demon Visit)

That Saturn working has resulted in a great many positive things. Among them was the command to get to know each planet. I am starting that on the full moon.

My plan is to segment a purple candle into 28 sections, doing a lunar blessing using my standard MO, and burning one of the segments. I plan to focus on the candle as it burns. Then return every day to burn another segment. The goal is to release all fears and misconceptions of the moon over the first 14 days and to be taught about the moon over the next 14. I will post the technique as I go along.

I have many plans for magick. So, this space will revert to magick and its results without stopping on the Manifestation Meditation, healing and the like either.

The Demon Paimon

The other day when I was working doing Soul and Tarot Readings an odd thing happened. As one client left, the spirit of the Lesser Key of Solomon (Goetia), Paimon, sat in his place. I was nonplussed. The conversation was brief:

Me, "I do not have time for you."
Paimon, "Yes, but you will."
Me, "Go away."
Paimon, "You will have to deal with me." Then, he left.

I asked a friend that suggested I deal with Paimon on my time table rather than let him rule the show. This seemed like sound advice. However, I did check in with Lon DuQuette and he hit me out of left field with this, "Snap out of it Robert! Responding to initial contacts from the demon breaks the Solomonic formula, surrenders your role as the magician, and puts you in the position of being evoked by the spirit! Chalk it up to colorful residual shit left over from your last reading and forget about it."

I have not asked my Greater Neschemah yet but I will. While I think both sets of advice are good. Lon's seemed shockingly real. I am more likely to follow his experience on this one.

The Agnostic Update

She sends me frequent messages expresssing her happiness.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Blood Sacrifice, Hermes, Saturn and Death!

Blood Sacrifice

A friend in trouble texted me last night. She was riding with her husband, "in the middle of nowhere," when their rental car began having trouble. The 'dummy' lights on the dashboard were aglow. The car would not accelerate above forty and appeared to be trying to stall when the the driver pushed on the gas. This was pushing ten o'clock at night. There were three kids in the car with them.

I offered to pray to Hermes and she said she was okay with that. Hermes is the god of travelers. I sat within a triangle of Saturn and called upon my god. He arrived to my internal vision. His staff radiating a eerie light. So strange was the vision that I was not sure it was him. I reflected his staff and he nodded. That is an old GD trick. I have no idea if it works in the Greek world. For all I knew, he may have been a critter in a god suit. 

He indicated they were indeed in trouble. I asked him to help. He told me it was serious and asked for an offering of blood. I can recall saying (in the past) I would do that if I needed to but I cannot recall every actually making a blood offering. Last night, I did. In fact, I agreed without hesitation as these are very close friends. Then I checked with my soul and got the official ok, whatever that is.

I must say these was the strangest feeling rite I have ever done. I cannot describe that feeling at all. 

I returned to folding my laundry but was soon prompted that the offering was needed NOW. So, I obtained a bandage. Then moved to the the kitchen, found a knife and cut myself without a moment's hesitation. A few minutes later, I received a call saying they were home.

To my mind that was much too fast. I later learned they were about 20 to 30 minutes out going at normal speed. To my mind they were home in 10 minutes. No, I didn't look at a clock. What happened? Maybe, Hermes moved their car forward at great speed. Maybe time wrinkled a bit, like in the movies. Of course, Occam's razor should be applied. The most likely answer is that they were closer than they thought and we misjudged time, as we all know that our measurement of an unwatched minute is quite subjective.

The driver did later tell me that he car was about to die and suddenly went back to what was passing as normal.

Frankly, I have no idea if that prayer did anything at all but it sure did feel weird. The odd part was the small cut did bleed through the bandage during the night.


Death was the theme of my fun filled trip to be Bakersfield. Saturn is associated with the death. I have been meditating a lot on that planet of late. So, this shouldn't be that great a surprise.

Friday night, I was taken to a play that featured many O'Hare-like vignettes of death. People died left, right and center. My friend Alyssa did a very nice job in her multiple roles. Later that night, I learned of the death of a marriage.

Saturday consisted of me doing soul and tarot readings at a psychic fair. I had a great time. Afterwards, several of us hung out, drank too much wine and had a really good pizza. For reasons I could not discern the conversation turned to death and dying. This is not the normal chit chat during a happy drinking session, music and dancing. Well, what I do can at best be described as being in the vacinity of dancers while sort of demonstrating an attempt at rhythm.

The next day, on my way to pick up my car, the Druid stopped by his bank. I was amused to see a generic casket distribution center. We then went to a Pagan meet-up. The topic was death, trapped spirits and the like.

None of these things are all that weird but after working with Saturn they are not coincidental. Funny thing about theses sorts of coincidences. They may not have meaning but we magicians act as if they do.

Speaking of Saturn, my original rite focused on getting back with time. Today, I found something I hadn't even known I was looking for just in the nick of time to put it to use.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Open for Healings and Soul Readings

Things went well this weekend. There was no fallout and no difficulty performing Soul Readings and tarot for others. So, I am declaring myself able to perform again. I still feel very internal most of the time. Apparently, that isn't a barrier. I am going to be more business-like this time around. I will be dedicating Monday and Thursday evenings for appointments. For my friends across the pond or extreme eastern United States, I will make Saturday appointments.

I had an interesting weekend and will post about that soon.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

More on Saturn/Binah

The Saturn/Binah working has had an impact. I cannot believe how much more focussed I am at work. I am getting so much done because my mind isn't going into the past but it staying in the now. This has helped some at home as well.

The exception came last night. I had a rough time living in the past again. However, it was markedly different. I didn't feel the need to explain myself. I talked to a friend at two in the morning on IM and didn't need to beat up the issue but we talked about other things. The need to spew forth the negative emotion was much less.

My dreams are relaying messages now. They are much more meaningful than playful.

Coming Out of the Shell

I have done a couple of soul readings for others of late. These were people I know well so it wasn't a challenge. I have done a healing too with one of my regulars. I seemed to do okay. This weekend, I am doing a psychic fair in Bakersfield. If that doesn't blow me up, then I will resume my healing work.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Knowing Myself

I took an inventory of what I know about myself tonight. I think it is a good idea to do that once in a while.

Binah/Saturn Results

I am very busy so this will be short and to the point.

My Binah/Saturn working has yielded some interesting results. One of them has been a daily meditation in which I ask to learn about each of the planets by name. So today, I was told to 'notice' something of the planets in my daily life:

Moon  -- change, I changed the method of doing a work task.
Mercury -- my mind only focused on that which I wished today.
Venus -- my desire for spiritual growth is part of this exercise.
Sun -- I applied very consistent energy to one project today. I wasn't pulled to and fro.
Geburah -- Any attempt to pull me off topic was ruthlessly curtailed.
Jupiter  -- I am not sure there was anything peculiar about today that applies. Though, I may have missed a minor opportunity to be merciful.
Saturn -- I knew something was about to blow up at work in advance and took care of it before there was an issue.

Since the Saturn working, I have been much more productive at work and have experienced less unproductive emotion. I have also managed book writing and research.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Standing for Principle

I observed this trend among many of my own students at three different universities where I taught undergraduate courses in philosophy…The most common answers that students gave to principled questions concerning the right and the good were evasive statements like, “That depends on your point of view,” or “I can see both sides of the argument”, or “That’s just my opinion”, or “Your mileage may vary.”

One of my most articulate students, when asked what things make life meaningful, said: “Oh, whatever people want, so long as we’re not harming or judging anyone.” I understand why my students spoke this way. They do not wish to create controversy or conflict; they do not wish to appear dogmatic or closed-minded. Nonetheless, these answers are varieties of deliberate non-thinking. They are public declarations of an unwillingness to commit to anything, and an unwillingness to make serious choices about the value and meaning of their own lives. Indeed I began to doubt whether they believed anything substantial at all.

From "The Other Side of Virtue" Brendan Myers

He said it better than I could.  

Monday, October 15, 2012

Saturn Confirmations

The Saturn/Binah working ended with the old woman saying that I liked/needed confirmations of my magick and such would be forthcoming. She was right on all counts.

As I promised her to keep some things utter secrets, I will not hint at them. I will mention that as part of a conversation Sunday I surprised myself. I talking to my friend Bert about perfection and how nothing really matters. I used the example of a broken foot that I suffered many years ago. In the short term, that mattered. I was in pain. I couldn't walk around as much as I normally did. I missed some work. As soon as the cast was off, the incident no longer mattered. I then said, "nothing that happened ten years ago matters." We looked at each other in silence for a moment. As we both know that meant the very bad thing but I didn't know it when I said it.

I counted no less than four confirmations Sunday.

Given the working was to get me back in time, my entire work day was a confirmation. Rather than being in despair and dwelling on the past culture that delayed progress in all things, I was able to focus on the task at hand. I performed and a very high capacity today and did so with joy. I feel like I really contributed today. That made me feel quite positive. 

There are some signs of work still to do but I am optimistic about things.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Jason Miller, Yvonne Chireau and Soul Readings

Assisting others through Soul Readings often makes me feel like all of my struggles have been worth the pain of getting here. Yes, I've been treated poorly. Yes, I've treated others poorly. Yes, sometimes hell landed on me for no reason I could discern. Now, none of that matters. Between the vision of perfection that lives in my heart and aiding others through soul readings, healings and the Manifestation Meditation, I have found my home.

A big part of the soul reading part came from one Jason Miller in a very roundabout way. Many years ago, I bought a talisman from Jason. This was so long ago that I cannot remember the purpose. I do remember that it worked swimmingly. So, when he advertised a wealth talisman, I bought one. 

The string immediately broke when I tried to wear it as jewelry. I figured that I was rich enough, Jason didn't like me much (as I had recently been an ass) or I just wasn't in line with wealth magick. I shrugged, tossed the talisman on a side shelf in my temple space and, fifteen seconds later, forgot about it. 

My attitude has always been one that selling magick is wrong. Jason and others broke me of that train of thought as it applied to them. For myself, I wasn't going to move off that moralistic stand. Maybe it was my Hermetic training, "promise nothing except to heal and that gratis," but I think it was something more than that as my attitude about selling magick was there long before being exposed to those words. 

Getting back to the talisman, magick flows, like water, to the point of least resistance. In my life, there is not a lot of room to make more money. I have a 8 to 5 government job and I am lazy. I am not about to work nights/weekends for extra income. Even if I wasn't lazy, my back doesn't make me a reliable worker. There is no one in my family about to die and leave me money. My protection magick is strong enough an accidental injury that leaves me at least financially better off is unlikely. 

Despite obstacles formidable enough to block manifestation, Jason's magick pushed through and went the only place it could. It traveled into my magickal life, changed my attitudes about selling my skills and, maybe, was part of the inspirational epiphany that lead to both the Manifestation Meditation and Soul Readings. So, if you've benefited from my healing work or a soul reading, Jason Miller played a distant part in that. I am in no way diminishing my hard work. I am recognizing a piece of the whole. 

Last weekend, my friend, cheerleader and soul readee, Yvonne Chireau, who at one time wrote the most awesome class endorsement I ever received (below), attended the Crucible, a convention of magick users. There, she came across Jason Miller, bought a copy of his latest book and had him sign it for me. I was surprised to find this wonderful gift in my mailbox.

Here we are at all full circle. Jason's financial work is back in my lap. Given that last night I was instructed by the image of Binah to work with all the planets and Jason's book has lightening glyphs of Jupiter, I see myself utilizing his book to build a more consistent body of work with Soul Readings and Healings. This will mean doing the magick and dedicating certain days for fulfilling appointments that have priority over all other activities. I need to run it like a business. 

Stay tuned here for posts on how all that works out and how Jason's teachings work. In the meantime, consider this as an endorsement of any talisman Jason sells and a plea to buy his book. I haven't read it yet but I know it is awesome. 

There is another big thank you that I owe Yvonne. From the moment she started commenting on my blog her words were an inspiration. They helped build confidence and lead me through tough times. It is my prayer that the warm fuzzies she has repeatedly sent me return to her threefold. 

Yvonne's Class Endorsement from April 2012

The Manifestation Meditation is a ritual that takes the practitioner into the heart of magick, into the place where real and true manifestation can occur. There is no goal more worthy than to be one's highest and greatest Self, and no expression of that self that is more powerful than Creation. The mantra allows one to participate in and experience Creation, and it is utterly (and beautifully) transformative. This is an experience I had hoped for but I did not expect, and I am very grateful to Robert for sharing this practice." Yvonne Chireau, Author of Black Magic, Religion and the African American Conjuring Tradition.

Yvonne's book can be found here:

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Report on Completed Saturn Rite

This ritual was undertaken to put me right with time. The very bad thing stuck my Nephesch (lowest soul) within that moment and the aftermath. I was stuck within a two month window of a decade past. I believe the ritual accomplished that. Yet it morphed to realms holy and terrifying.

The Ritual:

For this, I reverted back to ceremonial magick. Many of my new readers that are used to meditative Robert may not have read this sort of post.

I began with what is called the first degree opening. I know the higher degree openings but I really like this one. I am very comfortable with its simplicity. Basically, it involves a consecration of the space using fire and water and uses flowery language that is oh so powerful for me, "So therefore first, the priest that would govern the works of fire must first sprinkle with the lustral waters of the ever resounding sea." and "And when all the phantoms have vanished, thou shall hear the voice of fire, darting and flashing in the hidden depths of the universe. Hear thou the voice of fire!" Holy water and incense are used. This simple right is the most intrinsically holy of all that I have performed. Tonight was no exception.

I uttered a statement of intent to move my Nephesch back into proper time and to align all parts of me in the now.

My double cubed altar stood in the center of my space. Upon it, holy water, incense, a white candle, a ritual dagger, salt, ash and an incense burner. Three black candles formed an equal lateral triangle with the apex in the east. Upon lighting them, I saw the most curious effect. Each cast a black shadow upon the floor, very symbolic of the black sphere of Binah.

Standing at the apex of the triangle, I walked a straight line to the next point while vibrating the god-name of the sphere, YHVH Eloheem. I  repeated the process for the next two lines of the triangle. Returning to the east, I vibrated the Archangel name Tzaphqiel, again for all three legs as I moved along. At the east, I started again with the choir name, Aralim.

I stood behind the altar and saw the old woman upon the throne that is the image of Binah. My vision saw a sphere and within a red tetrahedron (image). This shape within a shape is a three-dimensional version of my glyph of the soul, a triangle within a circle. The circle is the personal universe of the individual. This is everything he can possibly encounter in this life. The triangle is the boundary. Virtue is living with in the triangle. Moving outside of it, but within the area of the circle, results in "lessons" the object of which is to teach virtue. Eastwood said it best, "a man must know his limitations," but those limitations are powerful. The tetrahedron is a symbol of the four forms of fire. In this image, it represents the creative power of the soul -- true virtue.

Moving back to the eastern most point, my soul took over. I began to speak. My words rolled forth to the ends of the universe in what can only be called an earth shaking stream of consciousness declaring that not only was I back in time but that my soul is ever-present, creative, holy, in line with G-d, and moving forth into the universe to live in exact accordance with Its purpose. The language was so all encompassing that fear never arrived. The speech, confident and forthright, echoed. The part of me typing this was not there. I cannot recall a single word but I do know this. The Robert personality in all his Leoness would never utter those words. From my personality, the declaration would be arrogant beyond measure. From my soul, it was a statement of fact.

I then called forth the powers of Saturn. I used the same method of walking the triangle using the angel name Cassiel, the sphere of intelligence Agiel and the spirit Zazel. A point of foreshadowing occurred three times. Each time I walked the triangle for these names my first step landed outside the line.

I then sat to the west of the altar facing east intending to communicate with Cassiel instead the image of Binah took over my body. I sat upon a throne. We had a chat which means She spoke and I listened. I was told or shown to write something on my bathroom mirror in crayon, "Write or it will be hell." I was told that there will be many trials and I will rail against them like I did last night but just like last night, I will pull through. I saw links break, light spill forth and felt the utter peace of silence. She told me that I have not crossed the abyss, to learn all I could of the planets and that each path on the tree of life was now open to me. Though, I'd be wise not to do the last four for a while. I was provided with gifts of magick, taught how to use them and was given an admonition to be silent about them all. She also told me that I was one that needed/liked to be shown that my magick has worked.

A demonstration should be forthcoming.

The Dual Nature of Saturn

Blogging can help. I hadn't realized I was undergoing a test of Saturn until I started blogging last night. What started out as a whiny post became helpful fast. While still emotionally troubled, I knew I turned a corner when I hit the post button. To recognize the test was to pass the test. 

This morning, I am contemplating the dual nature of Saturn. Saturn resides in Binah which gives us form. Binah outlines the home of the soul from which one must not stray.  This is our virtue. I do not mean that in a moralistic sense. I mean that your virtue is doing what your soul incarnated to do in this life. You cannot do that outside of the soul form Binah provides. 

On the other hand, Saturn can keep is within the 'home' of our own making. I have certain attitudes and the like that are not within the home of the soul but are within the home of the lower personality. These are depressing, cycling thoughts that leave me inconsolable. Saturn holds these tight. Anyone doing the Great Work for long enough realizes that there are things that need purged but they just can't let go. This is Saturn. 

The latter must be passed through before the former can take full power. Last night, I passed through but truly seeing my own bullshit, my own illusionary vaporware. Soon, I will see if I can formalize the Binah level of Saturn in some way or, at the very least, increase its influence.

Friday, October 12, 2012

The Trial

Tonight, I am drunk blogging or at least tipsy blogging. You have been warned. 

I figured out all the bullshit surrounding the very bad thing and the aftermath. I should be overjoyed. Yet, I cannot resist the behaviors that go with that pain. Even understanding and solutions brings pain. At the moment, I am feeling like a failure, hopeless and damaged beyond repair. I am not any of these things.

I am tired of trying to grow as a spiritual person. I am tired of my internal battles. I am tired of old 'friends' that refuse to make an effort. I am tired of how that impacts my friends that are willing to make that effort.

None of these things should have the emotional impact they are having tonight. I am up against a wall. The wall is an illusion.

This is a test of Saturn. Tonight, I am an utter mess. Even I am an illusion. Every thought, every idea, every belief is vapor, meaningless and void. I cannot help but to think, feel and experience this. If this is the best they can come up with, it is pathetic. I have been through hell. This is merely a desert.

I will pass but this sucks.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Interfaith Dialogue: Moving Past Agreeing to Disagree

This post was originally written for a friend's interfaith blog. 

Interfaith discussions have resulted in some serious quarrels in my life.

The problem in interfaith discussions is that dearly held ideas are often incompatible. For instance, personal responsibility is a key point in my spiritual world view. In Christianity, Jesus died for the forgiveness of sins. One is absolved through the suffering of a third party. Convincing me these two beliefs are compatible is nearly impossible. Whether either of these concepts are correct or even reasonable is not relevant. Neither party can agree with the other. The best possible result is that each person will understand the other’s point of view, while still disagreeing.

The most dangerous factor in interfaith discussions is that people identify as their beliefs. This is revealed in the language we use. I am a Pagan. I am a Christian. If something about Paganism or Christianity is challenged, anger is the likely reaction because it isn’t the deity or religion being questioned but the personal identity of the listener. This natural emotional reaction makes disagreeing on religion a major problem.

Discussions within the Pagan community are often no better. A prominent commonality among Pagans is a joint sense of the other. The “other” includes those of the Christian faith and those that do not believe in, generally speaking, “our ways”. This creates a natural, albeit negative, bond which is quickly broken by conflicting concepts. The traditionalists dispute the eclectics. The studied derisively dismiss those with a less intellectual bend. Those that worship “nice” deities cannot fathom those that worship Kali. These disagreements turn sour for the same reasons. People wrap their identities in their beliefs, a recipe for disaster.

When the sense of self is not predicated on beliefs but spirit, religious disagreement can be respectfully held. Such people may say, “I love Christ,” or “Gaia amazes me.” A challenge to a detail of Christianity will not faze the lover of Christ. A statement that Gaia is a false goddess will likewise not disturb a lover of Gaia. Personal identities are not part of the issue.

Despite this, we are left with a polite, respectful, disagreement. We can get past this.

The commonality of religion lay in its depth. Those that reach past ego soothing beliefs find that like meets like in the most unusual ways. In my case, I am well known for being anti-Christian. I see the concept of original sin, not only to be incorrect, but demeaning. I think the idea of being ‘saved’ or going to hell is not one of loving compassion but a threat from an abusive deity. I see the Old Testament as proof that Yahweh is a violent war god and his son, a Trojan horse. This view has cost me friends and acquaintances.

One night as I performed magick in my temple space, the Virgin Mary appeared. She said, “We have a different view of war than you.” She left just as suddenly, leaving me with a sense of unease. I knew Her words were true. I knew I had learned something important. I did not understand.

Years later, I had another vision from which I gained a different understanding. Everything is perfect. This has become a spiritual truth for me. In holding that truth, I have been amazed at the horrific things that I can now see through the perceptual lens of perfection. This includes the wars of the Abrahamic religions, inquisitions and the many things I find troubling within those belief systems. To me, each human interaction both micro and macro, uplifting or hurtful, is the result of the perfect unfolding of Spirit.

While it is true that I often have to remind myself of the continually unfolding perfection in which we are, my feelings toward these religions have softened. I can see how the spiritual evolution of millions may be expanding within their world view. That I fail to understand exactly how matters not. Inversely, my Christian friends may ponder how I found the perfection they claim their god is through a Pagan path.

I believe esoteric pursuits hold the best hope for furthering interfaith dialogue past the point of agreeing to disagree.

The inner paths work because they bypass what we know or believe ourselves to know and focus on discovering that which is hidden. Letting go of all things that provide a false sense of identity is a necessary part of the process that intrinsically reduces religious conflict. Discarding belief for intuitional knowledge leads us to make otherwise impossible connections while bolstering our faith. The ability to reduce inner conflict is a byproduct of esoteric practices. That skill also works externally to avoid all manner of disputes, including those of a religious nature.

This has led me to my belief that an esoteric path, regardless of our religious persuasion, is a key part in creating a world where formal interfaith dialogue is spurned by the mixing of ideas rather than a need to quell violence. That day would be as perfect as today.


Last night before bed, I released ties to someone. I use a method I call LSD, Look-See-Dissolve. I look for ties. If I see one, I will it to fade away. I find this to be a very gentle way of doing removing connections. When I left the coven so many years ago, the coven leader snapped the ties. Despite being a psychic brick back then, I could feel physical pain. I have no desire to do that to another. I was glad to be gently successful.

I also looked to the future to see how to perform my Saturn working. I had a vision of placing black candles in a triangle around my temple space and invoking the planetary angel. Frankly, this was an intimidating sight. That angle is huge, dark and scary.

This morning, I looked for more ties. I found a tie to my former religion of Alexandrian Wicca. That tie existed to the tradition, not the coven or a person. There is still a link my most recent ex girlfriend as well. Both were very strong. I went to dissolve them and was told not to. I then saw them after the Saturn working, they remained but the light was different. The links changed from  yellow to soft yellow light with large portions of black.

Ties exist to all sorts of people in my life, including my PC at work. More on that later.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

In a Heart Beat, I Lost Time

Jack and I had a discussion that led me to returning to Hermes. I began with a simple meditation. Hermes arrived immediately but more intellectually than the normal god-form assumption. He spoke without prompting. This led me to something from my more or less recent past. It was upsetting.

Sorry for being vague but some things are private.

Today, I felt a call to visit Haniel, the angel of Netzach. Netzach's planet is Venus and the English name is desire. This is desire of anything from the basest sexuality to the highest spirituality, including wanting a PB&J with milk on a Saturday afternoon.

Haniel revealed my problem. Previous posts have revealed that I am out of phase with time. I feel things that happened ten years ago are still happening. Rationally, I know this is false but my mental and emotional bodies, as well as my Nephesch, seem not to understand this.  Haniel showed me how this came to be.

From time to time, I mention the very bad thing here. This is a name I coined because I'm tired of talking about it. However, what happened is germane to this post. So, for those of you that are long time readers, allow me to catch up the newer folks.

Way back when God was a corporal, I belonged to an Alexandrian coven. I found myself in a very odd relationship with a coven mate. She ended that by throwing a surprise orgy in my brand new house while making it clear that I could not participate. This she accomplished by publicly declaring her coven rank about my own. In that coven, you were taught that those above you in rank can issue forth orders. This Robert would never put up with that. The Robert of that time did.

At some point, I left the area only to came back into my living room where somewhere between five and seven people were having sex. For a split second, I saw a blur. Maybe I saw an arm or a leg but the rest was like looking through the milky glass of a shower stall. In that moment, that one small ticking of a clock, my brain froze, my heart skipped a beat, my emotional body died and I lost time. For ten years, the first two of which are a drunken haze, I stayed in that moment and the later ostracision of my coven mates for my daring to express my pain and shock at this emotionally sadistic behavior.

This also partially explains how from time to time, I drop back into old Robert modes. I am not that guy anymore but on occasion, I am.

My task, as Haniel explained to me, is to call forth the powers of Saturn to get me back in phase. I will search for a suitable time in which to work that sphere. This means that within 30 days, there will be at least two major workings that are more magick than meditation, the pathworkings and Saturn.

This should get interesting.

Pre-Initiation Dream

When working the Tree of Life, it is common to have dreams of an initiatory nature. Most of mine center on passing a point of fear. Success with water may be reflected in a dream of being trapped in the bowels of a sinking ship but eventually finding one's way to safety without  a hint of panic.

Dreams of other varieties do occur. A few nights back, I dreamed of being in a military uniform. The uniform was a color that can only be found on the astral, it was a reddish, black, greenish, yellow that appeared soft brown. Those are the colors of Malkuth, the Kingdom, the tenth sephira, the latter being the exception.

Five men stood in front of me, all dressed the same. Between us but closer to me was a table wit a red cloth and a cup of water. The ceremony was about to begin.

Given the paths I am about to work, this is a pre-initiation dream into Geburah. Geburah is red and is the fifth  sephira, hence the five men. Hence the five colors of the uniform. Mars is its ruling planet which accounts for the military nature of the dream. The first path leading to Geburah is the path of Mem (water) which accounts for the cup.

I am considering why I was told to rush through the path workings. Geburah is off the middle pillar. Were I too work just one path, wait, do the next and then walk to Geburah I may make my life quite difficult. Golden Dawn ceremonies have their initiates walk each path to a sephira before introducing them to the sphere. I am going to mimic that idea.

The next question is should I turn around and do the paths leading to Chesed shortly there after? If I could balance all those energies quickly, it may make life easier. The problem lie in that IF. I may not be able to assimilate anything from Chesed. I don't think that would make things worse though. I may need to do that for balance regardless of the overall effectiveness. Given that I am going this alone anything that may lead to greater balance seems a good idea.

Note: I am having a very hard time writing in this space. I feel as if I am contracting and expanding at the same time. This is leaving me quite internal.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

And the Voice Said

You have just broken your beliefs about yourself and others. You are about to see past another barrier.

This is the work [you will continue to do this winter]

Move quickly [on the path workings] as soon as you can [waxing moon]. Do not stop.

Those who counseled you to slow down [long ago] were right. No longer. Do them all as quickly as you can. Go. Go. Go.

Status: I am very internal and withdrawn. Almost in a daze. Despite the above, I feel encased in a shell.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Two Thoughts

People fail to see perfection because they mis-define perfection as an end result rather than the process of soul evolution. (From one version of my book in draft)

Never mistake your habit for identity, your beliefs for your needs, nor your desires for your virtue. (random thought of my day)

Note: I am still on hiatus. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Taking a Break

Calling to my Nephesch for energy was a big mistake. It is taking me back to old Robert which is not acceptable, except for the part that is.

There is another dynamic to this issue. A previous post indicated I put on white robes. While not a claim of GD adepthood, wearing them is very symbolic and has some psychological ties to that tradition. I believe that I have triggered some level of initiatory fallout in so doing that is tied to the rise of my Nesphesch. Initiations always bring up issues that have not fully been processed. There was one aspect of the very bad thing that I had not dealt with and it came back hard.

The good news is that I now know the issue is stuck in the Nephesch when I thought it was the automatic personality. I know exactly what my Nephesch is railing about from a larger perspective and I know the difference between that and how I am acting out. I just do not know how to heal it. I know the technique just not the specifics as they apply to me.

Because of that, I am taking a break from my healing work for a while. I need to put my head on straight again. I am likely to take a break from blogging as I can see old Robert in recent posts as well. Any comments to my recent posts will published without being read or commented upon unless they are obviously spam or the merest glance makes them appear derogatory. I am likely to post about the last soul reading I did I saw something new that I believe will interest some of you.

I will be back.