What is the nature of that fear? Is it admitting one’s parent’s were right and rebellion was for naught? Could it be that those nuns were right and they really are a bad people? Do they fear a hell or the ruthless form of nature it represents? No, these things are too obvious. The surface fear is rarely the core issue.
The real fear is one of expansion. When one lets something new into one’s paradigm, that paradigm must get bigger. There are more things to take into account, more emotional subtly and massive amounts of ontology to re-evaluate. It is easier to exclude.
When we exclude a reality that was hard coded into our being at such a young age and repeatedly reinforced through buffoons and bumper stickers, the faithful and faithless, we must engage in continual battle with ourselves. You can call the brainwashing this implies every pejorative in the book but the battle will always remain. The inner tension is a barrier to discovery.
I released that tension through the Goetia. I understood that psychopathic desert god. Absolutely ruthless when ‘H’is will was thwarted but with a greater desire for loving kindness earned through righteousness. Through working a Goetic right, I had to prepare to be this god. In doing so, I understood.
I still do not understand Christianity but I am much more comfortable with the religion, possibly incorrectly, linked to its birth. This will allow me to more deeply and guiltlessly accept the Jewish gift of kabbalah. With all due respect to those born into the religion, there is a little Jew in me. I can own that now. I can embrace that Jewishness like a friend.
This doesn’t mean that I have to embrace the religion of my culture any more than it means I must reject any pagan pantheon. It simply means there is one more version of reality within the cosmos of my ever-expanding universe.