Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

The last time the Helpful Deity was invoked, my partner asked It if It could teach me lucid dreaming and astral projection. It called me a lazy ass, told me I had all the tech, and that all I had to do was work at it. So, I've turned back to the Stavish book, Between the Gates.

Long time readers may remember my experiences with the tech in that book got me pretty close. I did managed to turn a lucid dream into an astral projection and got to the door of Hod. The guardian there booted my ass for not knowing the pass codes I should have known. Here we go again.

Those wishing to review the previous work can click on the Stavish label on the blogger page.

The Other Work

Posts may be scarce and responses to IMs and emails may lag due to work. A perfectly predictable eventuality has occurred despite my team's warnings. Of course, my team now gets to go in and clean up the mess. This requires overtime. It is tough to make up for two years of neglect in only four days. The upside is that we can only look good in the process. The world knows we warned them for over 18 months and those warnings while heard went unheeded.

Added to Blog List

Jason Miller has a new blog about taking back your mind. Jason usually has something interesting to say. The blog is on the list to the right of this space and can be found here.

As for me, I am still continue the Stavish meditations but feel that I'm in an imposed silence. Imposed from within or without I can not say.

On to Fire

Well, it has been a while since my last post of any substance.

I have continued the Stavish meditations. The book is called Between the Gates. I am on water and that is my element of issue. So, I've had little result except a few confusing dreams. I am not following Stavish instructions to change each element at exactly a week. Instead, I continue until that little voice tells me I am done. I am hearing that voice now with water and switched to fire last night.

I dreamed that I was on a ranch. I had dreamed of this ranch before. My Gal is always in the dream when the ranch appears. There is a lake. In talking to the wealthy people who owned the place, I was suddenly told to get out. I was puzzled by this but I left. Someone asked what happened. I told her the woman owner asked to see the shirt I was wearing under another shirt. Then kicked me out. The reaction was that the lady did not like vertical stripes. There was a shared reaction that this was unreasonable and then the line, "Her husband loves her greatly." Left unspoken was the understanding that the love would have to be strong to put up with her behavior.

I also dreamed that I was at a large house with my sister. The house was shaped like a square with an inner courtyard. In one corner of the courtyard, there was a deep pool but very natural. This was not a modern swimming pool. It was dirty and ugly. My sister was about to walk into and I told her not to. I said, "That is like quicksand, no it is quicksand."

I find it interesting that as soon as I start moving on to fire, I dream of water. There were no water dreams when I was meditating on water.

There have been other symptoms of my water time. I felt as if the key to spirit was laying around but hopelessly overlooked. My mentor tells me that I am closer to spirit than I think but I don't feel that. The other symptoms I am keeping to myself. I simply don't feel like sharing them. As the lack of posts indicate, I am not really talkative at this point.

First Night with Water

Well, this didn't go as planned.

I never had a great meditation with water to kick things off. First, I developed a massive case of allergies with near puke level post nasal drip. Wonderful. Then, I clicked on a link for a PBS show on the Native American story as Englishmen began to colonize. Emotional? Yup. Then My Gal informed me about this. Yup, despite the title, another water thing.

I tried to focus on the meditation as I went to sleep but I found it difficult. The late night resulted in my dreams being interrupted by my internal alarm clock. Good thing that, I would have overslept.

Progress?

I am still practicing the Stavish exercise focussed on air by using the kerub of air symbol. Last night, I dreamed of gunmen. We were in a commercial area like a plaza. There were two stories buildings in a block horseshoe. The open end led to the street. There was an indoor feel to an outside space.


Gunmen were there threatening people. The police were on their way and I was chatting with various people, totally fearless. Usually in dreams of this nature there is at least some trepidation if not outright fear. I was not lucid but I could think.


This morning and again this afternoon, I felt odd at work. I felt like my brain was encased in cool vibrant air. This air was like another part of me but less than aware. It was not intelligent as far as I could tell. This sensation is wholly pleasant and I find it encouraging. Is this a separation of a subtle body? Time will tell.


I've had several queries regarding the book the Stavish techniques are coming from. Please see the side bar to this blog for a link.

Just Stuff

Last night, I walked into the temple room. It was only the first time I had walked into it since setting up the Enochian tools again. The first time was the day of. I was disappointed that it didn't feel the same. Last night, it hummed quite nicely. Yum.


I noticed the energy came from above. This was very distinct, likely because the offerings I do draw energy from below. I am learning to perceive the subtle differences, which is cool.


When I made the offerings, I still drew energy from the earth. I saw two cones, one inverted, which met at the apexes. Nice, very nice.


Over the past two days, I've become very intuitive. I've anticipated calls before the arrive. I've had things prepared before someone asked for them. I recall this sort of thing happening the last time I focused on the Stavish exercises as well.


Cherry Hill


The classes have started. So far, I am impressed and I feel that I am learning. The Research and Writting class is right up my alley given that I am in the midst of writing the tarot classes/book. With only one class session down, it appears to be what I hoped for. There is a certain satisifaction in completing the assignments. Though, they've been short easy ones.

Dream Short

I did dream last night despite going to bed after 11:00 as I was enjoying my new toy.

I was in My Gal's parents house. There were new animals, a puppy, kitten and something else. A party was just beginning. I was sitting on a couch next to My Gal and I began to wonder if I could astral project. I thought of the moon and Yesod but drew the letter Gimel, much higher on the tree than I intended to go. I wasn't really lucid as I thought I was in normal consciousness.

I also dreamed of speaking with Gary Sheffield, the ball player.

Purchase

Today, we brought home the 42" monitor. I also converted to wireless.  So, I now blog from the comfort of my couch.  There is  a subtle feeling of success.

How pointless is that? While I needed a new monitor sorely and I am more comfortable, I spent money on something I really didn't need. Yet, somehow, I feel that I am more secure. In reality, I am less secure because I have less liquid cash. 

Did marketers really do this to us or is there an inherent human need to gather stuff. I'd bet on the former but I'm not an anthropologist. 

From the Department of Redundancy Department

No dreams last night again. Odd that I'd been dreaming so well of late and then to be shut off. But, Tryphon is correct in his comment. I have been going to bed slightly later.

Stavish Payoff...

Last night's meditation improved. In rereading Stavish, I learned I was supposed to be inside the ball of light. I also decided to change the symbol of air I was using from the upward triangle with the bisecting line, to Aquarius, Kerub of Air. I made the Aquarius symbol very small.

I dreamed that I was being hunted. A sniper was after me and I was fearful. I ran into various houses but he was still on the trail. Finally, I saw him take him, he was using a toy gun of the type that shot a cork out of the barrel. I could even see the string that kept the cork with the gun. 

After reading the link the Scribbler sent to me in the comments, the dream interpretation was quite easy. That which I fear to give up is harmless.

Today, I meditated again placing myself inside the red ball. I prayed to my HGA to remove all obstacles of air that prevented me from astral projection. The ball became more real and was obviously spinning very fast in a counter clock wise direction. When I placed the very small Aquarius symbol on the far 'wall', the spinning jolted to a stop then quickly resumed. The symbol spun just as quickly clockwise. My body felt different from head to shoulders. They felt like they were very quietly vibrating.  

Cherry Hill classes start tomorrow!

Moving On to Air

The Stavish book says you do a week with each element as you're learning to lucid dream. Then you do a week with each planet. So be the rules.

Last night, as I was meditating on the earth symbol encased in the red ball, it was very clear that I was done. Air, here I come. As I meditated, I prayed to my HGA to clear the blockages of air that I may explore. I had many dreams that involved me being taught something and one involved my sister's family and me sneaking away from them to get a bagel because they couldn't decide where to eat breakfast. I am sure that had some deep mystical meaning! The dreams where I was being taught were confusing. As I started to wake I tried to remember them and then decided that they were not Stavish related. Why I thought that I don't know. Then I decided my HGA did not answer my prayer. Immediately, I felt the shell of my main issue. I felt how tense it made my entire body. It was a bit creepy. That may have lasted for three seconds. 

As a reflection of the great Eleusinian mysteries, I was talked to and then shown. 

Enochian Temple and Tarot:

Today, we put the Enochian temple back up. There is an ebb and flow to things with a necessary pause. The flow part has begun again. In part because I need to learn more about the tarot. I have spent a good part of the afternoon working with the first group of downloads and then working my way through the last one, disks, which is proving difficult. Nanta has explained why. I don't have the time to give that dissertation at the moment. 

For the most part this is my personal system of tarot and that system is designed for one purpose. I am not going into a bunch of detail but I do plan on teaching it locally. I am still writing though only up to 2,500 words or so.

Well, this is about my third entry today. I have been bouncing in and out of temple staring at tarot cards. It is HARD. I feel like this is a reflection of my GD-style initiations, even one's I have yet to take! There is an introduction, a harsh reality, even a terror that spawns a retreat. Then one is ready to proceed.

Fourth entry of the day now.

I meditated on EHNB. S/he is the ruler of the Tablet of Union. I basically told her that I was done. I needed to reconcile the elements and needed to do it now. Furthermore, I am going to astral project.  

I invited her in my body. She poured into me like a liquid. I was startled and said "you have a human form?" Her answer was that she filled my form as that makes me more comfortable. There was certain Pan-like quality that didn't match anything I'd associate with Pan. When she heard the name in my head she said that by her filling my body (attuning me) I would be in greater attunement to Pan. By working with Pan, I'd be in greater attunement with her. However, she made it quite clear that they are not compatible at the same time. She was quite firm. 

Regardless, she told me that in order to do what I needed to do, I needed to give up thoughts. This lined up nicely with moving on to air in the Stavish meditations. She said there were certain thoughts that kept me from projecting.  She asked me if I was ready to give them up. I said yes. She made sure that I meant yes by asking, "No matter what they are?" Naturally, I agreed. 

I then saw a string that dropped from my brain deep into the earth. She told me to release it and I did. It snapped back into the earth like elastic. This happened several times. Some were thoughts about myself, others, the work etc. One of those thoughts involved my inner need to be perfect. I am very hard on myself for not being perfect. Most of the time, folks are simply not aware at how much I beat myself up for my mistakes but I do. I asked where this thought came from. 

Instantly, I was back in kindergarten. The image was quite clear. I was taken back to the point of a story long told in my family for a laugh. As a child, I would always want to color with the black crayon. My class mates would be more than happy to hand it over. A teacher noticed this and thought I was color blind. I was taken to three or four doctors. I think one of them was a mental health person but I could be mistaken on that point. On my second or third trip to an eye doctor to test for color blindness the doctor asked me why I colored with the black crayon. I said it was the only one I didn't have to wait for or fight over. Everyone laughed and off I went. 

However, somehow in my young mind, this was connected that I had to be like everyone else or I was bad. I knew I wasn't like everyone else and off I went on this need to be perfect. It should be interesting to see if I give myself a break after this. Though she warned me that was a bit dangerous. If I am not balanced, I could go to the other extreme. 

She made all sorts of promises about astral projecting soon. I will wait and see if that happens. Her soon and my soon may mean two different things. Human time and spirit time are not the same.

I did ask here if the strings tying me to the earth were reality. She did not have a way of explaining that to my mind. She said they were metaphor that were closely connected to reality. 

Fruit of the Stavish Tree

More Stavish Dreams

Last night, instead of focusing on the nape of the neck before going to sleep, I meditated on it while fully awake. During the meditation I prayed to my HGA to teach me want needed to do to get past the water issues that are holding me up. Basically, I adopted the stance that the earthy water dreams I had were a clue in that direction. I dreamed of sitting with a red-headed member of the OSOGD and asking for further initiation. Unfortunately, I can not remember the group name I asked to be admitted to. My request was received with 'knowing' and pleasure. 

The dreams I have had each night seem to be more directly related to my quest than most dreams I have. Though, I am not anywhere near lucid.

This evening I meditated on the issue that I discuss here as haunting me. I think I understand now. There is a saying I've used for a long time. I once told a seeker who was pontificating about his understanding, "You know but you don't know you don't know." This is where I have been for a long time. Now, I think I know and I know I know. My only doubt is that this has lasted for so long that it is hard to beleive I get it but it feels like I do.

This resulted in some work I can only share with my mentor.

Tarot

I've started writing a tarot class to be given locally. My only raw magickal talent is the tarot. There are a couple of people that are respectfully afraid of my abilities in that area. I know exactly what I need to say but I am needing to do some research on a few things to get over a hurdle. I have only 2,500 words done so far but I will keep plugging away.

I am really in need of a conversation with VonFaustus. I will contact him when he is back from being silent. 

Lucid Dreaming, Not Yet

I've been doing the Stavish exercises for lucid dreaming. I have recalled my dreams each night but would not call them lucid. At this juncture, I am on the earth cycle. I am finding myself 'cleaning up' water. Imagine that. Me, cleaning up an emotional issue. 

The upside is that I am much more refreshed upon waking.

In doing some more reading of the material, I find myself to be disappointed with myself. Though, that isn't the right word. I want to say I haven't worked hard enough to experience the sephiro and paths in a more direct way. But, I know I work hard. Perhaps, I am realizing that work has either been misdirected or is in need of redirection. 

This should not be taken as a post of emotional angst. I am quite comfortable with me. I just know there is so much more.

Sunday was Better

I worked on the next Stavish exercise last night. This involves creating a red orb at the neck and placing a symbol of earth within it. This is to be done at some point over the day or just as one is going to sleep. I chose the latter and had no trouble with the visualization.

I do recall a dream. It involved walking across a bridge over water. It also involved some sort of maintenance job where myself and a friend opened a business repairing water damage within apartments. We entered the wrong apartment and the fellow was a bit pissed. Though, he did have some water damage. 

There was some sort of issue where WitchDoctorJoe had to be in my apartment at all times and he wasn't there. This is likely a symbol of earth as he's an earthy kind of guy.

Spirit Practice

I did the spirit invoking LBRP/BRH/MP ritual at 5:30 this morning. Hereafter, I will call this the spirit practice. When I did the BRH and reached air, a mercury symbol remained. It moved it a fast circular pattern. It took a bit of work to get rid of it. The water quadrant contained a symbol of Scorpio. That too took some work to rid myself of.

Once again, I saw a crown when I started with Keter. It was a very strong visual image. When I worked my way back up the middle pillar from Malkuth, the crown appeared again. 

By Noon

Sometime about mid morning, I received some inspiration. Last night, I recieved a partial download of the last remaning suit of the tarot, disks. I know how to work with the rest when next the mood strikes. Today's inspiration was doing a class on the tarot at the local shops. This call will be called: The Magick of the Self: Using the Pip Cards as a Tool for Self-Exploration. By noon, I had the full outline written for eight hours worth of classes. Funny, this lends itself to a book that I can write huge portions of prior to doing any fill-in research. 

By three or so, I had 1,200 words written.

Invoke spirit, invoke often.

When at First You Don't Succeed

Change the Rules!

I have been working on astral projection and lucid dreaming by working through the book Between the Gates by Stavish. For newer readers, I will recap that this blog started with my work from this book just over a year ago. I had a some moderate success but then stopped. Sometimes in the work, I need to have a taste of things, digest a bit and then go back to them. 

After a year of blogging, feedburner.com says there are now over 100 subscribers to this space and someone reads a post here every fifteen minutes. Yet, when it comes to astral projection and lucid dreaming, I am almost right where I started. This is not acceptable. I enjoy the blogging and enjoy being told that I've assisted a person or two along with their journey. For me, that is paying a debt back to my mentor. I will never be able to say 'paid in full' but every little bit helps. That said, I want to take the next step and project. 

I partnered up with Fr. LVF on the second pass at the Stavish book. We were going to compare notes on-line and off. I haven't done very well and I haven't heard from the frater in some time. 

I don't normally make agreements and then flake off. This is not acceptable.

When I restarted the Stavish book, I began with the opening meditation designed as a purification. I can do the meditation but it is kicking my ass by forcing me to rehash an old issue that I have not yet concurred to the point of utter distraction. I am all for conquering it. Yet this method is not working. I am having strong suspicions as to why and am seeking outside consultants on the issue. Regardless, that first meditation is not helping me to astral project.

Therefore, I am changing the rules. I am skipping the purification exercise and moving on to exercise number 2. This time next year, I will be able to astral project at will. 

Fr LVF, are you still out there? Please let me know of your work either here or privately. 

Thought for the Day

People that live in glass houses, die as the result of hideous experiments -- K.W.

 

Pan and Stavish

The moon is full tonight. After working uncharacteristically late, I went for a walk. I felt "out of place" and out of sorts. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Upon returning, I tried to read some of my Cherry Hill texts. But, I felt the push from Pan to enter my temple room and just meditate on him. I did. 

I heard dogs/wolfs howling, three knocks on my screen door (likely the cat chasing other cats away) and a distant flute. From time to time, I see Pan, through the glass darkly. The meditation eventually turned into the Stavish exercise that kicks my ass over an issue I have. It did so again.

I still feel out of place.

Never Meet Internet Friends

It always turns out to be a disappointment. They aren't like you pictured them and it turns out you really don't like them much. Things become awkward. On the other hand, if you have a chance to meet Jason, do so. He's the bomb.

Since my guest room is occupied, we gave up the bed for Jason and we slept on an air mattress in the temple room. I have always wanted to sleep in my temple room and never did. Well, now I've done it with no effect.

Though, I did have an unusual dream. It seemed like half the world came to spend the night in the temple with me. There were lots of people I knew in the dream but few I knew in real life. My Gal and my mentor appeared. I rarely encounter them in dreams. Jason appeared as well. Jason had told a  young lady something. I couldn't figure why anyone would have a problem with what he said. Maybe because I didn't it. He said something like "When I do things, I am (or it is) or (it is missing) 20%" My mentor, yelled at Jason. I've never seen my mentor yell. That isn't his form of behavior when he is angry. Jason, who was going to sleep at the time never moved. My mentor pulled me aside to talk and repeated what Jason had said. I still didn't understand the problem. 

Later, as everyone was milling around where Jason's talk was to be given, sirens blared and a bunch of private security company cars came into the driveway. They were lost, given directions and left.

Still later, I was driving with my mentor and he pointed out a house with a kitchen window that was very high upon a hill. The architecture was unusual and, if for some reason one crawled out of the kitchen window, dangerous. He said, "I hate it when they build kitchen windows like that." Hate is another word that I've never heard him use.  

The dream also involved a  couple of off-stage dogs and ferrets. We all know the meaning behind those!

Several unusual things are outside of my dream pattern: My mentor and My Gal in my dreams at all, much less at the same time, a crowd of people, very unusual behavior for my mentor.

My interpretation was that something Jason would have to say was outside the ability of at least one person in the group to handle. As I was typing most of this post Saturday morning, Jason awoke and entered my office. He said something very similar. I recall at this early hour what his exact words were but I have a policy. If I hear the same thing from two sources that have not spoken to each other, I listen. But what am I going to do? I can't stop the man from speaking about something when I don't know what he is going to say. Later in the morning, he talked about doing an voodoo invocation. That was it! No voodoo in my living room. 

The talks went very well. I found Jason to be knowledgible on a wide variety of topics. The man is obviously very well studied and, more importantly, has done the Work. 

I also found the number of folks that had sudden engagements, vehicles break down and other events that caused them not to arrive to be I think it was a reflection of my dream. The GD current can often emphasize the psychological model in the outer work. It is, after all, personal and alchemical. Those that view things from the psychological model at this point in their development, have little interest in dealing with spirits, reversal and the like. Why would they, if they feel all these things are in their heads? This too shall pass. Perhaps, until it does, they need to stay away from certain topics. The truth to a man not ready to hear it, is a lie. Sometimes, information presented too soon can derail the sincere seeker. This is important to keep in mind. It is just as important to let the seeker make that determination 99.9% of the time. Meddling can cause more harm than good.

On a Personal Note: Jason and I covered a lot of ground after the official part was over. I asked him the question I ask my mentor prior to each initiation. "What are my strengths and weakness?" And for Jason I added, "If you were my teacher, what would you have me work on next?" He ignored the first part and gave me great advice on the second part. The discussion that followed even touched on dealing with that which plagues me that the Stavish meditations keep stirring up. There will be more on that in future posts.

More Basics

Once again, I did an LBRP, BRH and MP. When I reached Malkuth the spirit appeared again. There was no earth shaking power. He said, "The Wiccans are right. I am not of them.  You are not delusional. You are right as to what I am." On the next vibrations, the earth shook. It was explained that was my power, not his. Whatever. 

When I finished the MP, I began again at my feet and just did one vibration up. I then started at my feet again and pulled the energy up as I went. Going back up has a different feel to it. I like it.

I think I am working to rebalance myself with these exercises. The Stavish purification meditations throw me for a loop and I am just now willing to do them daily. When I did the first MP cycle from the top down. Keter kept moving. The sphere didn't move far but it did slide back and forth softly. Again, moving spheres is very new to me. I've never experienced this before.

Jason Miller is due in town in an hour. I look forward to meeting him. 

Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday night, we began reading the Book of the Law as OTO types are supposed to do in April. April 8 is reserved for chapter one. The next two are read on succeeding days. I enjoy this time and as it is sacred to My Gal. I am a bit jealous of those that hold a particular religion dear. I've never found one that quite fit me. 

Also on Wednesday, Frater RO accused me of being a hypocrit because I changed my mind on thaumaturgy. I argue that a hypocrit espouses one thing but does not adhere to his words. A magician, on the other hand, must be able to change by definition.

Wednesday night, I did the Stavish meditation. Once again, I had a hard night. Am I not ready? Or is this a final burning away? 

Thursday night, we read chapter 2 of the Book of the Law. 

Stavish Meditations Continue

The following post covers three topics as they occurred. First is a report of the fallout of my Stavish Purification mediation last night. Then my house renovations, which includes a reflection of that fall out. Finally, tonight's Stavish purification meditation.

Stavish Meditation Fallout:

As reported, I did the Stavish meditation last night. Later, I could not sleep as my issues with my old coven flaired up along with some other issues since. What a mix! I didn't sleep until 2:30 AM. I even fired off an email to my mentor about those issues. I haven't done that in six months. My old obsessions and need to express them are gone, thanks to some goetic work. That doesn't mean my point of view has changed. However, I may have received a clue. Part of my issue is that no one has admitted the slightest of wrong doing. My HGA told me that they are fully aware of the damage done, regret it but are unable to apologize. I should forgive them for that last weakness. As a person that has apologized for my part in things as I see it, I find it unfathomable that others can not do the same. Yes, it is hard but occultist should be used to hard. Maybe, I am simply not a good enough human being to accept other's weaknesses especially after being publicly humiliated for having weaknesses of my own by these folks. I shall try. Frankly, I don't think I have it in me. 

My HGA also told me that my issues with this will not go away no matter what. The neural pathways are burnt and seeking things to change is akin to an amputee wanting the limb to grow back. I doubt this message. I reject messages of unavoidable doom as much as I reject those of ego. I shall persevere.

House Stuff:

The prior owners were interesting folks. When I bought this place the real estate market was in the early part of the boom. I placed bids on seven houses. Seven times someone came in with cash and I didn't get my place of choice. When I placed a bid on this house, their agent said that he'd hand the bid over in twenty-four hours. My agent told him that she keeps getting the same response and I've lost to cash offers. He was unmoved but mentioned it to the owners as he presented a cash offer and my own. They accepted my offer out of compassion. It was very kind of them. Both of them were employed by one of the most conservative churches in town. I have no doubt they'd have second thoughts if they knew of all the occult activity that has taken place here since.

When we pulled off the kitchen linoleum we found that had set it down using a thin layer of concrete over the last bit of linoleum. Fortunately, that did not prove to be a problem. The tile was laid right over it. The problem was the entry way tile. This stuff was half an inch thick and they used half an inch of Thin Set (tile adhesive) mixed with something else. What the other component was is any one's guess. The first whack with a SLEDGE HAMMER did NOTHING. Twenty whacks later, shrapnel flew about the place. One tile had been damaged. 

Enter the jack hammer. 

Three to four hours later the demolition was complete. Twenty four hours later, the tile is in and looking wonderful. However, my entire house is coated with dust. The dust is so thick that after dusting I find myself needing to dust again. This is going to be a long cycle of doing all the laundry multiple times and dusting the house over and over. I have four hundred books in my library. I have no desire to dust them once, much less over and over. 

The above Stavish related melt down above was reflected physically today. A light bulb in my office melted nearly causing a fire. It would have had I not been in the room, saw the smoke and turned off the light. I'm not saying those issues make me fiery but an instrument that produces light was destroyed by fire.  If I continue the metaphor, my home was saved because I was present. Therefore, I must remain present in the moment to continue the work or I will melt down and the light will die. 

Did I mention the place is looking great? Tomorrow the grouting will be complete and my tiling done! In a few weeks, I will have bamboo floors. in the living room and down the hallways. Once done, I will likely start on the guest bathroom. I've caught the bug. Sooner or later, my financially conservative side will kick up and work will stop. I am amazed it hasn't already. 

Today's Stavish meditation was difficult because I was tired. The issues that came up had to do with social things in school as a kid. I can see how those are related to how I feel about my former group. The Pan voice kicked in and once again tried the following tactics:

1. He never approved of the coven activities concerning me but let them happen for a greater good.

2. He wants me now and is willing to compel me into service or is willing to make a deal.

I moved past Pan as he isn't the point of the meditation. I 'ejected' some of the baggage but had a hard time filling myself with light. 

As a side note, I've been burning up hot the last week or so. I feel like I am having menopausal hot flashes from time to time. I am really really burning up as I type this.

Stavish Purification Exercise

Tonight, I performed the Stavish purification exercise for the first time. It works like this.

See a moon above and to one's left and a sun above to the right. See the sun's energy reflected from the moon and moon impart form. I have no idea how to visualize the moon imparting form. Then, the two orbs reflect light down to the top of your head forming a triangle, apex down. Next, one feels the energy enter one's aura/body and pushing out mental/emotional waste through the lower openings. Once accomplished, allow the light to fill up the body and radiate peace, joy, etc. Rest within that feeling and close with a prayer of thanks.

I was amazed at the things that were ejected so quickly. Feelings of my first marriage came up. Items of my first occult group that ended so poorly etc. They came up and I quickly ejected them. The feeling of peace was quite profound and very pleasant. I felt physically lighter.