Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I was in a home quite different from mine. The house may have belonged to my mentor. The living room had two rooms to the left of where I was standing. The one before me had no door, simply a long break in the wall, and belonged, or was being used by, his ex-wife. The other, behind me may have had the same configuration. There were a couple of couches in the living room.
I was attempting to set-up a Goetic invocation. (Note: Last night I finished engraving a Goetic seal for my next evocation.) By the time I had gathered all my tools in the living room, I had to go somewhere. I do not recall if I left and came back or never left. People kept coming in and interrupting my work. Sometimes, they were even physically in my way. I kept looking for a sheet on which I have circle drawn for my goetic practices. Someone found it for me. (Note: The first one of these I made went missing. I had to make a second one before my first successful Goetic invocation.) I was concerned about my mentor's ex sleeping in the other room when I did this. Both she and the rest of the people in the house, said it would be fine. This got a 'snort' from my gal that has had some issues with this person in real life.
At this point, Mic Jagger and the rest of the stones showed up. Mic was flipping a quarter in the air and doing various coin tricks. He was very impressed with his quarter. My gal give him a silver frog or two and he was very happy to receive them. Some 'hanger on' to the Stones was trying to impress us by stating he was in a band in his youth.
I finally had the circle laid out when four women on the bed in the room behind me emerged and tried to drag me back to the bed. They were very erotic. My reaction was one of irritated boredom. I did a LBRP type banishing pentagram in their direction, which I could see. The lines were brown and said Emor Dial Hectaga, which is the secret name of god on the northern Enochian tablet. They laughed and said I was in trouble because I used the wrong god name and invoked fire instead. I said no and told them the equivalent name for fire and they went back to their bed. I hadn't fully banished them but I did get them out of the way.
This is where the dream ended.
I thought the dream was a bit of a break through for a couple of reasons. First, this was the first night I placed the kerub of air in the blue-black sphere. Secondly, there were a lot of images from my real life in the dream, such as the Goetic tools I use. In the third place, the interaction with the four seductresses seemed to come close to how I think. Though, I normally wouldn't use Enochian for this sort of thing. I use that only rarely. Lastly, I felt more like the real life me in the dream. I was really tired and muddled in the dream but I felt like I had much more of my own personality coming into play than normal.
After getting up to type my notes, I covered the seal I had just made in black cloth. I had gotten sloppy and forgotten.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I have a certain very personal tech for working with things angelic or for that matter demonic. I suppose, I should use the same tech for everything. Funny, how I don't necessarily think something through until I speak or write down my thoughts. Part of me finds that to be a personal flaw. The other part tells me doing so is a tool to be used often.
The rite itself was uneventful. Looking back, I appreciate its simplicity. My spirit is calm and peaceful.
Upon sitting back in my chair, I saw quite clearly 'his' sign. I can use this sign to call him or he can display it to me upon his arrival. He pulled out a piece of grass from my aura. It was a dry hollow tube. A yellow butterfly emerged from that grass, flew about and landed upon my nose. before flying about me some more. My HGA said that I need to be careful when removing astral things from myself. Just as there are harmful and helpful bacteria in the body, so it is true with astral beings that may become attached to one's aura from time to time. These he hide from me last night so I did not accidentally remove them. He instructed me to take greater care next time.
I have a double-standard problem in my life. It seems I am always held to a standard higher than others around me. At least when it comes to magickal groups. My current mentor will even admit this to me while saying flattering things, an unusual thing for him to do. Regardless, I reject the flattery and am annoyed by the double-standard. I asked my HGA about this and he said that the only difference between me and anyone else is that I see the double-standard more clearly for myself. He pointed out how I hold a couple other people to double-standards as well. The trick, quoth he, is to ignore the expectations of others when they are applying that double-standard and live as I choose.
My HGA once told me to wear blue and red. I have a tendency to take things literally. I almost bought a new wardrobe in the required colors. After some thought, I assumed he meant to live with mercy and creativity, especially when met with the aforementioned double-standard. Tonight, he told me I was right and I was right when I assumed that red and blue also corresponded to Chesed and Geburah. When I stand between them on the path of Teth, my feet on the path, my head must be in Keter. "Think of it as a very high bar for yourself. You set this standard."
I asked him if I could feel this close to him all the time. He told me to do this rite more often and that and the 'shortcut' I have to his appearance. "Like a muscle, " he said, "the more you use it, the stronger it becomes." He also said to continue to pause during troubling or not so troubling moments and 'reach back' for his input.
He gave me further advice about a situation I am in but this I can not reveal due to the confidentiality of others.
Was this because I removed a helping spirit? Was this because removing them took more energy than it felt like? Was all this an exercise born of the Treasure House of Images?
We shall see.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I asked them if I could use them against other spirits, their answer was no. They said that the other spirits could see them and they do well by not being seen. This is the second 'spirit' I have encountered that works by not being seen. In fact, it may just be the same one.
Since they looked like seed pods, a friend said that I could charge them with a seed of thought and throw them at someone else like darts to get them to do what I want. My problem there, aside from various ethical issues, is that I have no idea what I'd want from another in such a manner.
If these things are seed pods that haven't resulted in a plant, why not? Do I do so much energy work that they can stick in my aura but not grow?
My gal suggested that these things irritate you in physical life. They may do the same in non-mundane ways to prevent one from reaching one's goals.
The final thing was that if they feed on energy and, in my early days, I was better at raising energy than banishing, I may have been a bug smörgåsbord.
So, I sat down, focussed and looked for the little buggers. I have a technique for getting rid of astral bugs a friend told me about. I would share it here but I've been sworn to secrecy. I did that for a while but with all these things it would have taken a while. So, I asked my HGA and he said to do a middle pillar exercise and in the process will them out of my aura. I did so and directed their flight to a wooden fence across the street from my home and sealed them against it with a symbol.
I then sat down and picked off the left overs using the aforementioned method. Others I pulled off and just threw against the fence. Some of them, split open when the left my sacred space and some sort of bipedal creature ran off in a hurry. I have no idea what those were.
When I had done as much as I could do my HGA stepped in and sealed my aura. At least that is what he said he did. Frankly, I didn't feel like he did anything.
There will be more work to do here. I don't think I got them all.
Note: Geburah is a sephira on the qabalistic tree of life associated with rulership, severity and Mars. The vice of Geburah is cruelty.
I plucked out and disposed of the sticker-spirits and immediately felt more cheerful. I scanned my body and found many more of them. I asked them, "What do you do?" They informed me that they fed off the energy created one wants to do something but can not. Considering the list of things my HGA has told me to work on (see prior posts) and my lucid dreaming and astral traveling experimetns, they have a lot of food. I am going to get rid of as many of them as I can from the lowest sephira body locations to the higher. Stickers in malkuth and yesod could explain a lot.
After removal, if I suddenly can astral project and/or lucid dream, what conclusions could I reach? The spirits were stopping me? Or, the spirits were part of the problem and my work to succeed exposed them? Or, the spirits are just an internal manifestation of inability and that inability underwent transformation?
I leave the questions open. I have no answers at this point.
I was unable to understand what was going on in a class room full of students and a female teacher because I hadn't studied. Suddenly, I was by myself in the same classroom while other folks were in another. I was being chewed out by a teachers aid for being there. I chewed back. I could almost read the words in the book.
I find it interesting that I recall two parts of the charity dream with the military interlude as if it was one dream. This would indicate an ability to recall much longer dreams, or that different dream parts are connected, or that I am remembering things out of order.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
During the meditation, in addition to seeing the black-blue ball from within, I saw a red area at my neck in the general shape of a butterfly bandage. Again, Stavish said this area best responds to red for my purposes.
I failed to mention in my last dream post that I focused on the nape of the neck with the black-blue ball before falling asleep last night. During that focus period, I did see roads before and I felt some movement following those roads but it wasn't the full movement of astral projection. Perhaps a small non-lucid part of me was able to project and I was picking up on that sensation.
I will say that I found the conversation interesting. It did involve recognizing something as a spirit, as opposed to a being with corporal form. The encounter has no setting. It was held in more or less blackness.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Not being an believer in meaningless coincidence, I am wondering if this is a harbinger of disaster, either for the country, a local area or myself. I am not one to focus on something enough to create a self-fulfilling prophecy but I do want to record it just in case.
I watched a seen, being narrated by Stone Phillips, of an amusement partk owner or manager walking and being confronted by a couple of angry customers. The man tries to calm them down but is obviously failing. There are no voices directly from the scene. The only voices I hear are being played over the scene like a news show. The manager pulls away from the scene just as an employee comes along that was obviously a bouncer. He immediately bypasses the two that were initially arguing and goes after two people from the same party that are leaning on a railing that separates a covered picnic area from the a lake. They remain motionless until the last second when the both move apart making the big bouncer awkwardly between them. We the bouncer turns to go after them again, he gets punched in the balls. In obvious pain, he flips one of them into the water.
The next dream has me in an arcade with a my sister's family and my ex-wife's nephew. Everyone is their current real-life age except my exes nephew who is the age I knew him around five. We are playing with a b-b gun against a target. Everyone is taking turns until the five year old starts waving the gun around. I patiently try to call him over and tell him to stop. He refuses. I go to him and tell him to look at me because I have something to explain to him. He does but immediately gets distracted when I begin to speak. So I take the gun and firmly tell him he doesn't get to play for the rest of the day.
Both of these dreams have to do with recreation and leisure. I never thought of putting that with Venus/Netzach (Friday) before but that is often what we have desire for. So, it fits in a way.
My dreams from the last few days, which were not posted, also contained a lot of outside narration even though I was actually an actor in the situations. This may be a good dream marker to allow me to become more lucid as I don' t recall that happening much in waking life.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I have noticed that I remember my dreams better. I am definitely remembering more dreams than ever before. I never used to remember a dream a night.
I had a strong flash of parking lot I use and the building that adjoins. I saw a red car in next to the building quite clearly. At one point, I focussed on the windows and it is as if someone turned all the lights on in the building.
When the meditation was over, I had to take several minutes to pull myself out. About ten minutes later, I thought it a good idea to check to see if the red car was there. It was! It was further out from the building than it appeared in my vision. The car was distinct because it was a late model but the hub cabs were all missing. I checked and there was not an official sticker on it. I would think I'd have noticed all four hubcaps missing from a car I saw regularly. The lack of a sticker says it isn't likely something I pass every day.
Later in the day, I had major ego fantasies about being able to heal the world. Complete b.s. but is not all that uncommon for the ego to flare when you hit a new 'high point'.
Monday, April 21, 2008
I did it last night as I went to bed. Unfortunately, I awoke too late to record my dreams sufficiently. However, I do remember a few tidbits.
I drove to an airport. There was a hole in the road to where my plane was located. So, I had to turn around. I entered a dinner at the other end of said road and said to no one in particular that I had a bad feeling about flying today and I was going to go with it as we've all heard too many stories about fliers ignoring their intuition. There was also something in there about my father but I know not what. I sat at the counter and Marylin Monroe sat on a stool on the other side. She sang something but when there were no words to go with the music, she'd stop singing and eat her burger and fries.
Well, the exercise may have given my the opportunity to astral project/lucid dream through the metaphor of flying. The visualization of the earth kerub may have resulted in the hole in the road which prevented me from going to the airport.
The other thing that happened today was my doodling. I was at a meeting and doodled a series of eights across the page. I stopped because that isn't my normal doodle. There were two rows separated but one big eight. I counted them. They totaled 35. Three plus five is 8, Hod, the sephira of magick.
I am not sure what that has to do with anything but I thought I should record it.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Appended to or mixed within each essay on the card, I will theorize on the links between the cards and the associated Goetic Spirit and Shemhamphoresch Angel.
I doubt I will post these things with any regularity. I don't want to do a slapdash job.
Stay tuned to this space for updates.
Perhaps, my goal should be to contact this other me face to face. Can I program myself somehow to recognize just that situation and focus on the other me? Should the goal be to merge with this person so we each become lucid in the other's world? Would that create a more fully integrated magician or severe mental illness?
I have a feeling that I am about to find out.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday night, I had a dream, woke up and decided it was so clear I could write it down in the morning. I woke up and forgot everything. I think it had to do with GD work.
I awoke at 7:15, used the restroom and went back to bed. The sun was up at this time so the following dreams had to occur and count as Saturday’s dreams
I this dream, I had some sort of vehicle that allowed me to fly along the streets cars drove on. This resulted in me almost getting hit as a crossed an intersection just against the light.
Someone called me and asked for Linda. This is a woman I know in real life from work. I In dreamland, she staying at my home temporarily. I said, Linda could be reached through me but I was currently in
(Note: I don’t own a television anymore and didn’t watch Bob Schaeffer much when I did.)
Cut to me flying through the streets going to some sort of occult shop. I think Lon and Constance DuQuette were there but I didn’t see them. While there, I received a call from my friend “A”, who didn’t say much. When I asked if everything was all right, she said, “No.
Quoth I, “Is that caller there?”
I said that I’d call 911. I then tried to gather up my things to leave the store and go back to A’s place as I didn’t have the address. Calling 911 wouldn’t do any good.
“A” called back and asked, “You still haven’t done this?”
I was in such a hurry to do it that I just said, “Bye” and hung up. “B” another real-life friend said she’d help and called a friend. She gave me the phone and said that I’d be speaking to Officer Bacon. No, I am not making that up to be funny. The call went to voice mail.
Just then, another real life friend “L” came into the shop to speak to Lon or Constance. I chit chatted with him on before making my way out of the store.
Watching a televised baseball game, I noticed the foul lines were drawn funny so the first and third base lines moved towards the pitching mound and formed a twenty-foot area of foul territory where no foul territory would normally be. A ball was bunted. Oddly the players let it roll up the line but it curved towards the middle of the diamond and ended up near second base. The umpire was all over the call. Though, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the call should be. A reply showed the ump in perfect position and focused on the play. I ended up thinking that most of the time umpires are prepared for the most obscure plays in the game and that they tend to do a pretty good job.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The meditation began with sun and moon properly aligning with the inverted triangle at the third eye. Their light formed a beam that descended to my feet causing me to to expel waste. The light expanded to fill my body by moving from that center line and moving left and right at the same time.
Note: It just occurred to me that my body looks two dimensional when the light fills me rather than three dimensional.
I immediately saw three lines configured like a pie chart that was divided into equal thirds. I immediately knew this was moon, sun (lower left and right) and myself forming the third portion at the top. The moon reflected a red light as if a laser pointer struck it dead center while the orb shrunk to the size of an eye. It was intimidating -- a red glowing eye. I moved toward the eye and through it with trepidation. I vibrated appropriate lunar names of power and a lunar temple was revealed. I saw myself dancing poorly making all sorts of gyrations. I thought, "This is my not understanding what I am doing when it comes to the moon." I taught myself by telling my dancing body to become calm and reflective. A door opened just outside the lunar temple. I moved towards it. The door was cave-like and led to three more caves. Again, I felt trepidation. Some beast charged up from the depths and I retreated all they back to the pie chart lines and gave a sealing sign.
After quickly regaining composure, I descended again to the mouth of the caves and vibrated a god-name associated with Teth and moved into the cave. I was confronted by a tiger. I vibrated the name again and walked past the beast. He turned on me as if to attack from behind. I grabbed his collar (yes, I know, where did that come from) and had him walk beside me. At one point I tried riding him but was knocked off by the low ceiling of the cave. He ended up leading me down narrow tunnels until I reached a huge cavern full of beautiful things. I do not know how I knew they were beautiful. I could not see. I ascended back up the caves with the tiger as a guide.
I then went to the myself third of the pie and experienced a sort of peace but again I could not see. I was told I am being exposed to a new part of myself slowly. As I backed up, I saw jagged rocks that were reflective, hematite. In the reflection, I could see the solar island from the last meditation.
I am a bit shocked to find multiple instances of multiple selves. I thought the second time I mentioned them here was the first time I experienced that but my first recorded dream has a record me playing basketball as I watched myself.
I didn’t sleep all night or so it seemed. Literally, on the hour, I’d get up to pee through 2:00 AM. IT stopped at 2:00 AM because it was then I realized I had been sleeping well but waking every hour with the impression I hadn’t been sleeping.
The realization came when I was dreaming about being in an old Victorian house. I was in a bedroom at the far end of one hallway. I walked down to bedroom at the opposite end of the all and saw odd lights. Like one bar of a chevron. The chevrons were made of various colors but they were not very bright. I felt the urge to leave the room and I did but not before realizing there was a female ghost that didn’t want me there.
I went down stairs into a room that may have been a dinning room attached to a kitchen. On the counter top, I saw a cow figurine with two heads and no rump. Behind that was a very small but very alive looking tiger. Its head moved to follow me as I walked. I commented, “There is a very life-like tiger on the counter.” The man in the room, whom I did not really see, dismissed it as commonplace. I heard movement in the kitchen. I turned on the lights and there were a couple of frogs that were pretty noisy for frogs. They were not vocalizing. The noise was coming from their movement and crashing into the walls and moving along the floor.
I mentioned the frogs again to a bored reception. I then found myself to be holding a big round tin like cookies come in. Inside was a very big frog that was associated in my mind with my HGA. The frog was too big for the tin. The lid wouldn’t fit. The man demanded that I it be left outside for the night. I knew it would be in danger outside. I argued to no avail that the other frogs could remain. It was at this point that I woke up thinking I’d never been asleep and realized I just had this dream.
Note: I remember reading recently that cows are associated with the mooooon. Also that tigers are as well. Frogs are the butterflies of the water, transforming from tadpoles.
I dreamt I was being educated about some sort of secret conspiracy that had to do with science. I clearly saw pigs being dissected for DNA experiments and was told this was how the extra-terrestrials did it. Then I was told human scientists were doing the same on humans and how this would be a huge scandal if they could ever find a body part. This dream was more complicated and it took place in several rooms of a building but I can not recall more.
Notes: When I awoke at two, I jotted down the following notes. Notice there is something military here. Odd that occurred again on a Tuesday night.
Frogs two headed cow, frog in box, frater ro’s script Victorian house, haunted, small tiger dreaming I was awake, military muster call.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The sun and moon were a little faint but nonetheless were in their proper places. The sun looked like those Mexican influenced ceramic wall hangers that can be bought at various garden centers. However, as soon as I saw those planetary images the sun moved wildly in an arc as if it was attached to a long spring, which in turn, was attached to my right shoulder. I focussed until the sun stopped and the moon immediately began behaving the same way, with the exception of its fulcrum being on my left. I attached their 'light' to my third eye and the inverted triangle called for by the meditation and they locked in nicely. They needed that third point. They still wavered a bit but now the springs were anchored upon my brow.
I focussed on a golden and white light from the sun and moon respectively. These combined in me to form a washed out amber in the beginning. But the color darkened considerably as the light filled my body. Usually, the light in this meditation moves from the head to the feet. This time, I thin string of light when straight to my feet. The light moved like water filling a pitcher from bottom to top. I do not want to create the impression the light was 'watery' in the least. Every muscle in my body relaxed when the light reached my head.
As soon as this was accomplished I saw a row boat with a man standing in the bow. The boat moved away. This is standard imagery for a journey to the moon temple with the exception I was not in the boat. The visual was one of being towed behind a row boat that was moving without oars over calm waters. I awaited landing on an island of the moon. Instead, we bypassed the moon island I am used to, though I do not recall ever seeing that bit of land, and appeared on an island of the sun. I had never experienced this before.
I received a brief image of two children playing as if on the sun card on the tarot before I found myself in the center of this small island. A column of light wider than a man descended before me or over me. I rose up through this light a short way before I saw a man-like figure above me. I assumed this to be Michael. The problem was he was pure white, not the red I'd expect of Michael. Metatron? I placed his name before him in Hebrew and he glowed with power. I placed the banner of the east before him and he glowed even brighter. I vibrated EHEIEH, the god name of Keter, and he puffed his chest. I had the impression of a swagger but he never moved. I am not sure how one can swagger while remaining stationary but this being did it. (Note: Anything that smacks of ego is suspect in my book. A swaggering angel just may be a more subtle form of that then I am accustomed.).
He told me that I wasn't being as consistent as the sun in my approach to lucid dreaming. I must get up immediately and record and my dreams. I am missing vital clues. He then went on to berate me a bit about being satisfied with my HGA experience. That is a marker he said. You seek even more than that. You seek to follow the Lord Your God [yet he gestured or did something to dismiss the idea of the Christian connotation of that statement]. Let me just end this by saying, if that was Metatron and not my ego, I am a little awestruck by the hubris of anyone attempting to follow those instructions. Which, by the way, were not instructions at the time but somehow feel now as if they were. They were instructions of an emotion that I have already forgotten. Even though, at this moment, I feel as if part of my brain is sun burned.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The man mimicked the voice of someone else. I shouted another warning that this person was not who he said he was.
My awareness shifted to the me that was in the room but had now escaped to some other place. The woman I was with said something to the effect that we are safe. I replied but I lost X and Y. X and Y were two electronic gadgets that I though important to successfully avoiding whatever was after us or completing our assignment, whatever that was.
In a different dream I witnessed a witch that looked like an every day person but felt as if she was out of an Anne Rice novel. She was in her bedroom. The home was two stories, modern and very nice. She was being confronted by two spirits. One looked exactly like her, the other exactly like her child. They were riding her over some mistake they thought she made. She wasn’t aware she was talking to spirits. The child-like one said that in punishment she wouldn’t be able to talk, to her children, for a day. A piece of tape appeared over her mouth. I knew that was symbolic and she’d likely have laryngitis.
I was sleeping late and very tired (I was in real life too). I was in an apartment with white walls. My friend T was there. She was trying to encourage me to get up and leave. I think to go get breakfast. Going out to breakfast is a normal Sunday routine for me and my gal. Suddenly, kids were in the room but they were not hers in real life. If fact, she ignored the girl. She had bumper stickers that were tattoos. The one she showed me had her, real life, daughters name on it in beautiful flowing script. I asked where A was going to put that and was told that she (A) hadn’t decided yet. Then T said, This one is just as beautiful.” and pulled down the waist of the boy’s pants to she me a tiny Aires symbol in that greenish prison looking tattoo ink.
I can’t help but to notice in the first two dreams that people are separated from themselves into parts. A previous meditation recorded here had the same theme. This may be coming from my recent reading of
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Visualizing the sun and moon was difficult and my mind wandered a lot. I did eventually see images of molten metal and how hot that can be. Instant fires/obliteration/melting. The images were very strong.
This whole thing may have lasted five minutes. I just didn't have it tonight.
What is the nature of that fear? Is it admitting one’s parent’s were right and rebellion was for naught? Could it be that those nuns were right and they really are a bad people? Do they fear a hell or the ruthless form of nature it represents? No, these things are too obvious. The surface fear is rarely the core issue.
The real fear is one of expansion. When one lets something new into one’s paradigm, that paradigm must get bigger. There are more things to take into account, more emotional subtly and massive amounts of ontology to re-evaluate. It is easier to exclude.
When we exclude a reality that was hard coded into our being at such a young age and repeatedly reinforced through buffoons and bumper stickers, the faithful and faithless, we must engage in continual battle with ourselves. You can call the brainwashing this implies every pejorative in the book but the battle will always remain. The inner tension is a barrier to discovery.
I released that tension through the Goetia. I understood that psychopathic desert god. Absolutely ruthless when ‘H’is will was thwarted but with a greater desire for loving kindness earned through righteousness. Through working a Goetic right, I had to prepare to be this god. In doing so, I understood.
I still do not understand Christianity but I am much more comfortable with the religion, possibly incorrectly, linked to its birth. This will allow me to more deeply and guiltlessly accept the Jewish gift of kabbalah. With all due respect to those born into the religion, there is a little Jew in me. I can own that now. I can embrace that Jewishness like a friend.
This doesn’t mean that I have to embrace the religion of my culture any more than it means I must reject any pagan pantheon. It simply means there is one more version of reality within the cosmos of my ever-expanding universe.
The was some dispute over what was said at some point. The opposing counsel had tape of a conversation between my girlfriend and the woman. At the critical point in the tape, it became scratchy and hard to hear. The tape was deliberately damaged so the critical part could not be heard. The attorney then stated the alleged event did not happen because there was no proof it happened.
I was on the stand suddenly and tried to cross-examine the attorney. The judge wouldn’t let me.
My girlfriend’s attorney was an attorney I had in the past that I feel was very incompetent. “T” didn’t do much in the courtroom.
There was a discussion outside the courtroom that was more of an argument. The impression I had from the girl was that she had no idea how damaging this was to other people and she felt a bit confused by the amount of hurt expressed.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I felt as if I entered a state of deep meditation easily. In fact, all of my meditations have been from a deeper place, even last night’s wild ride.
I became momentarily distracted by a sexy witch-type person but it was a lower form of sexy. A sexy born of someone unable to look up. Several other images of people entered my space. One young man was obviously in charge. He reminded me of a person I know locally as part of the pagan/magickal community. I focused on these images and wondered why I saw them. Then I remembered a passage from a book I am currently reading, Huston Smith, The World's Religions, in which the concept of watching yourself from afar was discussed. I did this.
I felt an astral projection-like pull but nothing really materialized. But I immediately ‘gave’ birth to a white baby. I do not mean white as in race but a glowing white baby wrapped in white cloth. The baby was being held by a dark fellow sitting opposite me. I almost feared him until I realized he was me.
I found myself split up and tired to assign elemental attributions to my bodies. I am not sure of the original pattern but it ended up that a ‘young adult’ form was in the east dressed in red, the Hierophant. A dark emotional man was in the west, a fearsome Hiereus. My HGA sat in the South (Fire). And in the west was a babe, a newly manifesting me.
At points that person that was watching from a distance would comment upon the depth of the meditation or notice something in particular but in no way interfered.
I am impressed with this meditation. I frequently checked for the sun and moon and they were always there in perfect form. I could even see them from the ‘other’ vantage point. I seem to be making some sort of progress with my ability to meditate.
I have come to the point on Stavish’s book where he describes techniques to learn lucid dreaming. As much as I want to start on that, I promised myself that I wouldn’t until I had two weeks of the sun and moon meditation. I never had this sort of discipline before but I do now.
This post is simply a matter of discipline in recording my dreams.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I embarked upon the Stavish meditation but first I used the words my HGA gave as a preamble.
In the meditation, the sun is supposed to be on the right and the moon on the left. They appeared on the wrong sides. So, I moved them. I could see them clearly traveling from one place to the next but on the way the turned into the triple goddess symbol and then separated to their proper positions. Suddenly, they slammed into each other, the sun and moon conjoined.
Immediately, I saw a green goddess. She was dressed in some middle eastern style and started to dance. I remembered an old song from my youth about nobody breathing for the dancer. So, I breathed and watched.
The image turned into a snake, a cobra I think, biting me on each breast. It would weave from side to side and bite. I had no fear. The snaked turned into a bundle of long dry grass and I was being hit with it on each breast in some sort of African initiation rite of some kind. I was black. Then I turned into a black child of
All these are the same, I heard.
I saw images of sex, naked people in a swimming pool alive but motionless, group sex, a glimpse of a breast, image after image of sexual things.
These people all seek the same things but they trap the thing in material form, I heard.
Daath opened up like it was hollow and a crow landed in the hollowed out spot and shat down my neck. I let the vile stuff pass through. He flew out and ate some bugs and shat again. I let it pass through. I realized the crow was my Nephesch. There was no fear but some revulsion.
From here the images moved from nightmare to nightmare but I was not afraid. Upon realizing this, Daath opened again. It felt like a muscle suddenly relaxing that you didn’t know was tense. A shell fell off my body. Was this the shell of an old me?
Still more images came, vicious beasts and dogs came at me one after another. There was no fear. An old old goddess like Hecate with coins over her eyes, fearsome cackling old crone. No fear. Image after image came and there was no fear.
Then I flew past the pyramids (an astral tourist trap) and between two rows of the Egyptian Ram-headed god. I saw ancient priests of
All these are the same, I heard.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
On his head was a cone and upon the cone was electric lighting like neon tubes only they were whiter than an neon. The tubes were bent into the shape of a huge star structure, like one may find over an old movie theater from the fifties. He wore of corsage of the same light.
(Comment: I thought more about this today. The reason I didn't count it as a lucid dream is because I didn't consciously make any decisions. I simply reacted to the stimulus. Then I wondered. How many times a day do I simply react to stimulus without making a conscious decision? Often but I consider myself conscious or lucid. Maybe the mystics are right, this life is a dream too.)
Comment: Again, I am both characters in this dream
A friend of mine told me about meditating on a being behind you and to the right. I tried that and my HGA did this odd dance behind me. It was more of a rhythmic bouncing with a chant. Hey-O Hey-O...could this be Heh Vau (Vau can be pronounced as an O) vau the pin holding the form (Heh) of my HGA to my body? I have no idea. I didn't ask. It was just cool. Eventually, my HGA just entered me and looked out through my eyes. There is a fierce side of me that I didn't' know.
Thaumaturgy is doing magick to affect the material plane. Doing a spell to obtain twenty dollars is an act of thaumaturgy. Uniting with one’s higher nature is an act of Theurgy.
I am a theurgist but I am doing more and more thaumaturgy lately. Most of my acts of thaumaturgy have a theurgic spin to them.
For instance, I am not a happy person. I do not seek happiness. However, I noticed that my direct form of communication coupled with my serious attitude isn’t received very well. Therefore, I am developing a spell to be happy, in hopes of forming better relationships with those around me.; with hopes of learning from other people; with hopes of growing as a spiritual human.
Is that a round about way of reaching the goal? Yes. The path of the qabalist is taking everything apart and joining it with every other thing and every other part until a sense of unity is achieved. I am simply taking apart a string of things that have caused an effect and recombining them to result in a different effect. The result will be a microcosmic glimpse of that unity achieved through willful action.
Relatively recently, I obtained knowledge and conversation with my Holy Guardian Angel. There will be a future blog post on that. My HGA told me part of my work was conjuring a particular Goetic spirit. Yet, when I wrote the charge, over and over again, I found myself displeased with the result. I felt as if I was being greedy as I kept demanding more than was necessary to follow the instructions I received.
So I spoke to one of the more famous goetic magicians around, Lon DuQuette. He gave me advice that both fit into my normal mode of working and blew me away. He said the trick to dealing with Goetic spirits involves worship. Not of them but of the ultimate -- his term, the Goddess. He said that act is basically one of giving the goddess energy so She can raise you up. Inversely, the relationship with a demon should be accepting or ‘vouchsafing’ its energy so you can raise it up. By vouchsafing, I took his meaning to be that the energy so given, must be used is accordance with the cosmic flow in order to achieve full effect.
Having conversed with my HGA about the suggestion and having been told it is sound. I am trying to rearrange my paradigm to fit into that linear pattern. Can I do all my workings so that they fit into that flow? One Vertical Line, One Will, One Manifestation. This idea just may be my Spiritus Mundi. It fits very close to what I have done all along.
I was at a lake there was an small rocky island just off shore by 10 yards or so. It was very windy. Many folks were on the rocks as they were driven out of the water by the winds. A HS friend, Frank, answered the call of some woman to save her red row boat. Frank tried to drag it in. Somehow, it got under water. The boat could be seen on the bottom. Frank dove in to get it and apparently got stuck. I was awoken at this point by my alarm.
Analysis: What could this mean? If I look at every part of this dream as an extension of will, It could mean that my mental fears (wind) over take my emotional needs (row boat on water) and sink my True Will (red boat under water). My trapped friend is me, by failing to conquer the winds, I down in the emotions I try to avoid.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
In my mind, I do this because I have no choice. The first time someone claimed to be a magician in my presence my first thought was, "He is full of it." My second thought, "If he isn't, I can find out if God exists." I haven't let up since. I have performed magick poorly. I was afraid each time I did a basic banishing ritual for 20 years but I did them. Seeking the divine in magick have been the consistent project in my adult life.
If I didn't do it this way, I'd likely be a Hindu Yogi or a Buddhist.
I think the negative aspect of my psychology that drives this is the need for divine acceptance. I don't want to die, face the Creator and have to hang my head due to lack of effort. I do not like this part of me but I own it. The rest is much more positive. We are all divine. Some of us just seek a more tangible realization of it than others.
I would have thought that the end game was Knowledge and Conversation with my HGA but it isn't. While a life changing experience, it wass more of a beginning than an end -- twenty years of rushing to the starting line!
Does that explain why I do it? Probably not. Perhaps the best way is to simply state, I seek to be one with God. A unity so complete that I feel compassion, not anger, hope, not despair, live my intent, rather than wander from false pleasure to false pleasure. I seek a unity so clear that I have the words to heal the troubled heart of a stranger, to sooth the pain the survivor, to light the way for all those that sincerely seek the divine in all its forms. I may never possess such things but that is why.
I do not even have the personality for these things as I am usually pretty gruff. But when it comes to work like this, I only have to inspire one person to seek something higher, lift only one seeker on more step, make one adept. If I can do that for two, wow, all the better.
I also said early on that I'd post everything no matter the level of embarrassment. I bailed on that one too. My dream post didn't include a part the instructor telling us how not to get our man parts shot off. Basically, he was saying to lay on our backs but this didn't make sense with the rest of his instruction. In real life, I'd have called him on it. In the dream, I did not.
So, why should I be embarrassed by that? I have no idea but I was and I edited it. Though, I posted it here. I guess I am back on track.
I remembered that there are a couple of things I can not post directly about. One has to do with the instructions received from my HGA and the magick I am doing to make that happen. That is sealed for now but I will post right up to the limit until such time as I can post freely. The second is that as part of a group, there are certain things I can not blog about. Oh well.
I still feel that this will be one of the most open blogs you'll read about a magician doing the Work. Time will tell.
I was playing basketball in a good sized arena. There were lots of fans. I think it was college level. I played well, which should be tip off as I am not a basketball player or fan. I made steal and scored. Played some good defense and remember getting in a pickle or two. It was like a normal game of basketball, except that I was watching me play from the outside and actually had the thought, "which one is me again?" as I tried to find myself on the court.
I was in the military on an air base. It felt like I was in the army, not the air force. We were being instructed how to position ourselves in the airplane to make the smallest target. Cut to another scene at the same base but there was a lot less people. It was as if we were mostly abandoned, like it was a small outpost somewhere but it was the same island base. Some folks were growing their own gardens. The Native Amercians were best at it. Myself and others were making circles in the ground for ritual space. Mine was complete and the inner part of the circle was cleaned out and flat. I began working on the Native American circle which had all sorts of plants and rocks within it. Some troops passed by and were none too happy the native americans were getting a circle too.
Monday, April 7, 2008
I did this the first time last night. I omitted the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (LBRP), Banishing Ritual of the Hexagram (BRH) and Middle Pillar (MP) exercise I normally do as this book didn't issue said instructions. I was filled with a great deal of energy. I saw great pools of water and other very clear visions that had no immediately definable meaning to me other than the natural correspondences to things watery. When I left my temple space, I found myself mildly disturbed and disoriented.
Today the same exercise didn't have the same intensity but I felt myself very inspired.
I am enjoying Mr. Stavish's writing. While the bulk of information is not new to me at all, he is filling it out with ideas I have not read before. While I can not testify to the effectiveness of the exercises, I am recommending the book for its content and I am barely sixty pages in.
I am reading Between the Gates - Lucid Dreaming, Astral Projection, and the Body of Light in Western Esotericism by Mark Stavish. I plan on following the instructions step-by-step. I will try to title each post so readers can follow a topic. This one will start off as "Between the Gates". The reason I am doing this is because I can not astral project at will. My ability to lucid dream is marginal. I aim to change that.
Until recently, my plans involved evoking each of the planetary angels but my HGA guided me away from that to a series of spells that I have been toying with. This puzzles me. My only guess is that I always aspire upwards. I seek the divine. Perhaps I am being taught to see the divine in the mundane. Perhaps I am being pushed to learn thaumaturgy so I can do magick to make mundane room for my True Will to manifest. I am unsure. However, it seems pointless to work as hard as I have to have knowledge and conversation and then ignore the advice.
I do ceremonial magick to create thought-forms or servitors or whatever you choose to call them and release them with a word as needed. In this case, I have several habits or traits I want to ingrain into my personality. I am planning on creating a spell for each one but fire them off in one big group. One word will activate five or six spells. I will post this under the topic of "String of Spells".
The spells I am toying with are these:
Spell for ‘happiness’ -- I am not a very happy person and sometimes not being happy is picked up as anger when none is intended. I see no reason why happiness would be harmful in my life. So, my spell will create happiness for me and carry with it the indirect intent to improve communications with others.
Spell for ‘healthy eating’-- My brain functions better when I eat better but I am a typical American and eat typical American things. I eat out too much for my waist-line and my wallet. So, I am going to eat better for my brain. If I save some cash, all the better.
Spell for being more intuitive -- This will be an odd one. I really don't know why I added it to the list but it 'feels' right. It may get editted. We will see.
Spell for being wiser -- Same as above.
Spell for better study habits -- I am not a scholar, yet I want to get more out of my rather large library. The spell will help me read to retain.
Spell to shut the *bleep* up -- Sometimes, silence is better than my overactive mouth.
There will be more on Between the Gates tonight.
The reader will learn what worked for me and what didn't; see my wisdom and folly; and read about dreams and acts of will. I expect to embarrass myself and make myself proud. I intend to post the most painfully embarrassing parts of being a human and a magician. I have found that the more personal something is, the more universally understood the experience. I am determined to laugh at myself with you in the hopes that you will lift you nose out of some dusty book, pick up cup and wand and make your own magick. If not, I hope you are entertained.
Readers may also determine for themselves that I do magick well or poorly, with good or ill intent, from a place of extreme knowledge or ignorance or, alas, that I am simply a bone head. Hence, I chose the nom de plume of Frater BH, Bone Head.
I plan to keep this blog anonymous for as long as I can. Hence, I will not delve too deeply into my magickal background until it becomes painfully pertinent to the topic at hand as the magickal community is quite small. I will say that I have tried more than one path and found that of modern ceremonial magick to be best suited to my work. I also do Goetia and plan on doing Theurgia Goetia. I have had knowledge and conversation with my Holy Guardian Angel.
I invite you to take a peak at the workings of a modern magician and enjoy the ride with me.