New Year's

This is a family tradition going back to at least my great (maybe great great) grandfather Daniel O'Connor.

To all my friends and readers, my wish for you is that the best of this year is the worst of next year.

Something Learned

Over this period of time of my trial, I have received information that was previously unknown to me. I have also heard things that I was told but did not hear before.

Twice in two days I have sensed what someone else needed me to say. I am very sure of both incidents.

I have decided that in some instances, I do not care what is correct, right or wrong in the eyes of others. There are certain behaviors that I will not tolerate. Ever.

Yes, I know this is vague.  Sometimes, I write for myself.

Thank You

Yesterday, I posted what I consider to be a life marker. These are little posts that as I reread them occasionally, I know how life was going around the time of the other posts. I received a couple of very nice responses from Pyrocephalis and Rose Weaver. I wasn't expecting that kind of support and it came at a good time.

Anonymous asked about dreams. I have had nothing much in the way of something to report but I do dream a lot more.

Flames

I am burning out relationships left and right. I suppose this could be a necessary thing in my continuing deconstruction or it could be that I'm just an ass. I am not even trying to figure things out anymore. I am just watching things burn.

Some people have stuck with me and I am amazed. Some have not creating a sad surprise. I don't blame them at all. However, I have long been of the opinion that your real friends are there when you are at your worst. Anyone can hang in there when you're at your best.

I have seen signs of progress in dealing with some annoying frustration issues.

Steppenwolf

I was improving significantly. In fact, certain aspects of my head space have improved. Unfortunately, I've relapsed into an inconsolable depression. This is so bad that I see little point in living. I must immediately qualify that to say that I am not in anyway suicidal. I'm a freakin' Leo. Leo's do not commit suicide. The thought is repulsive to my core.

When I am in a state like this there is no talking to me. I cannot hear other perspectives. I view them as soft bread around a shit sandwich.

So, a friend of mine, who has patiently be returning my favor of listening to her whine, has been listening to me whine. She suggested I read a book that she read long ago, Steppenwolf. She claims I am the Steppenwolf and that something in that book may be of use to me.

My reading tends more towards The Dresden Files, Terry Pratchett, and the Darkside novels. Though, every once in a while, I read a classic that is very educational or thought provoking. This is the case with Steppenwolf.

I am having a hard time focusing enough to read but I have slugged my way through 30 pages or so. I can see why my friend thinks I am the Steppenwolf. One passage talks about how the Steppenwolf must always hurt the people that love him. Some are attracted to his higher nature, his ideals, his lofty dreams for himself, friends and humanity. These are hurt by the wild and untamable lone wolf within him that hunts, runs through the forest and chases female wolves. This brute too disturbs the higher nature of the man. Others are attracted to the untamable wolf. This wolf detests the hypocritical nature of humanity, its social lies and cannot understand its entertainments. It views as folly these things as they deny nature and find natural things an embarrassment. These two sides of the man are constantly on watch for the other. For either side would devour the other.

The book says this all much better than I. The actual plot devices are not of me but the underlying theme seems to be pretty close. Maybe there is something in there than can help.

Telling Dream

I have had a bit of a relapse on mood. I guess that is to be expected.

Last night, I had a long series of a dream. It involved unknown mobsters killing people. It involved people dying left and right in various scenarios. This was not frightening. I walked right by as folks were machine gunning other folks. This wasn't bravery. I didn't feel threatened.

I am not sure how but this dream morphed into me taking a hike on a mountain trail. Here I came across many people I know or knew. Twelve hours after waking up, I don't remember the people but I do know they were real life people from past and present. The dream was very colorful.

At some point,  I found myself in a very green area. There was someone there I considered a good friend. There was some sort of loving friendship there. He was staring up at an incline, very steep. It was covered in green grass but rough. This would be quite difficult to get up. I said that I have this fountain to install. The fountain was rickety and made of wood. It was more of a complicated picture frame than anything else. There was no way for a water source to be connected to it. Looking back, it was more like the star card in concept -- just a way to pass through water (spiritual sustenance)  from one plane to another.

I knew the fountain had to be taken up that slope but I walked on by.

Clarification

Some back channel discussion on yesterday's post made me want to clarify something I said. I suppose I used an unclear analogy. When I said I felt like I was coming home to a long abandoned house, I meant that is how I feel on the inside. As the PTSD is being treated the horrible negative emotions that it constantly brought up have calmed. This is leaving a void.

What do I feel now? I actually asked myself, "What do normal people think about all day?" "What thoughts can I have to replace those that are ebbing?" Nothing is coming to mind. So, I feel like part of me as abandoned. This is a good thing but feels very odd.

On a better note...

I am reading and taking solid notes on JMG's Geomancer Handbook. It is much easier to understand this time around.

More Improvement

Well, I continue to see measured and incremental improvement in my mental/emotional state. At this point, I feel wellish but very empty. I feel like I've just walked into a long abandoned house. You know life was there once but now there is silence and emptiness. This isn't horrific but it isn't the emptiness of meditation either. There is some sadness.

I have been able to read and understand. I have been reading John Michael Greers, The Geomancer's Handbook and taking copious notes.

Successful Understanding!

The realization mentioned in today's earlier post seems to be holding for a while. I am making many many connections to many many things. This is a good sign. I am excited. I can see how this one idea has impacted almost everything in my life.

It fits my magick as I do believe the fundamental truths are indeed unbelievably simple. Though sometimes the process of finding them is not.

I have three blog posts in mind now:

The Growth of Wicca
The Truth is Simple but the Process is Not
The Realization I Just Had

But for now, I am going out to have some fun.

Healing

Last night, I dreamed my ex-wife was doing the LBRP. She has never done one in her life to my knowledge. In what I do not think was a continuation of that dream, My Gal, did the LBRP. I half woke up and did a mental LBRP myself.

Very quickly after falling asleep, My Gal and I walked up a VERY STEEP grassy path. The path was mowed and very neatly taken care of. It did not sway to the left or the right. It was one straight line up a mountain. I call this type of mountain a california mountain because around here, the high places are basically green weeds in the winter and dead brown during the summer. In the dream, while the grass was a healthy green, the rest of the mountain was brown. Way below, a freeway cut through that same mountainous terrain.

The path was so steep that I had to walk it quickly and using my hands to maintain any sort of grip. My Gal had an easier time by appearances but I always kept up. She made it to the top first and then reached a hand down to pull me over the top when I cried out for help.

I woke with a one word realization that feels like it healed my old coven situation and some other recent traumas. That one word is so simple. So obvious that it shouldn't heal anything. Heck,most would consider it a negative word.

I feel good, happy and a bit fearful. Maybe that last means I still have more to overcome. Maybe the healing is just an illusion of the moment. Time will tell.

Flashes of ...

This week has been relatively better. I can be very depressed and see no future at times. I feel a slightly down normal most of the time but with an edge to it. It is as if I have just survived a climb up a mountain. For very brief flashes I am very confident in my ability to create a future. These feelings are short and fierce. They fade quickly.

I am wanting to do magick again. I know it isn't wise yet.

I have read a chapter of a scholarly work on a goddess.

I do not feel I have grown for this though.

The Arrival of an Unknown Goddess

Last night, I and one other member of the Conclave, Flower, entered my temple room. Because of my state of mind, we really didn't expect much.

The normal process is that I am "given" the mantra during our meditation. That happens very quickly. I focus on that for the rest of the meditation. Then I speak it out loud for the others. The deities then arrive into whom they choose. Of late, Hermes lands in me pretty clearly. Zues has dropped into me as well. That was a surprise. The women have had more subtle manifestations.

This time, the males were absent. This was not a huge surprise. I have not been very clear recently.

I saw a goddess, that I took to be a form of the Helpful Deity, standing between us. She was young and dressed in white. I felt patient compassion. I find it odd that seeing an image of a goddess before me is 'normal'.

Flower never saw this which is odd given that she sees much better than I. Odder still, Flower spoke loudly and clearly. Normally, she is so quiet it is hard to hear. The goddess had nothing to say to her and everything to say to me.

As we started, our arms locked in an ancient handshake. Our hands gripped each other's forearms. This is a decidedly unsexy form of touch but it was very intimate.

She told me that I am stronger than I think. She then broke into the sexiest words I have ever heard in temple. "Oh God, My God." The words were breathless, hot but not the least bit physically arousing. What came into me can only be described as a beast, my beast. It was huge, muscular, dark and was horny. In other words, it had horns. Oh, yeah, it was also horny. Later, I was told this scared Flower but the Goddess looked at her and all but laughed at her fright. At that instant, he was no longer excited. She told me that I am a warrior and not alone.
"There are many others like you, warrior. Look to your left and right." I did and saw a line of similar beasts to each side. They reminded me of a vision I once had of the 28 mansions of the moon marching in human form. I felt strong, powerful.

There was a lot about how I sharpen my sword but never use it. That as a warrior I am always seeking battle. This is not one of my favorite traits. "Is that good," I asked. "When you find a real battle [Yes]." However, I must discern what is a real battle.

She then told me that I am in a room of four windows and I only look out one. There is a meadow of fire, a white light that will blind me, a fountain and a fourth neither Flower or I can recall. I can't change what happens out there but I can change which window I look through.

She told me how fearful I am and how I have no reason to be. I asked her if she could take my fear. Naturally, the reply was no but, I learned later, she gave Flower a vision of how I could do that. More on that later.

Her love, patience and sheer size moved me deeply. I thanked her for Flower and the Witch and stated how I adored them. Flower says this made Her happy but that She did not bring my friends to me. I was so moved by Her that a few tears trickled down my face. I have done this before when I had a goddess invoked within me but never externally like this.

I asked of a friend that appears to be in trouble. "Is he in as much trouble as I think he is?"
The reply came, "Yes, he is drowning. He comes up for air and then allows himself to submerge. There are rocks in the river that he can catch and pull himself to shore but he chooses to ignore them."
"Can I help him?" I asked.
"No. Giving water to a drowing man is useless. If he pulls himself to shore, you can build him a fire."
I will do so.

I told Her at some point that I will do whatever She asked. "You will. You will build me a fountain." This was accompanied by a vision given to Flower.

I have internalized that vision to clear the fear within me. I have refreshed the idea all day. Today was one of my best days mentally in ages. As night fell, it is got harder. But so far, it is a good day.

Flower told me that she had no idea who the Goddess was. It was not whom we normally encounter.


EDIT: I normally wear a black robe. I own two of them. They are hung next to each other in the closet. They are hard to miss. I could not find either of them. After an exhaustive search, I oped for the white robe, which I almost never wear.

Astral Dream and Some Magick

I awoke this morning remembering a dream.

Before me stood a spiritual being. My immediate instinct was to put my forehead to Its feet. I did that. Immediately, I entered my astral body. I astrally projected: 0 feet! I was laying across my own body forming an equal-armed cross.

There are various equal-armed crosses that serve as initiation badges on various paths. I have no idea if this means I am making progress or if the cross meant that I am not going to move further.

I tried to project across the lower planes. I didn't move. The being told me that I am doing it wrong. Without any sensation at all, I was in a castle. It was my castle. I was then distracted by a sexy woman...poof dream and projection over. I hate falling for that test!

Tonight, I met with my friend, Flower, and did some magick Conclave style. We encountered a new goddess that took me to task. I will post that tomorrow.

Funeral

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a coworker's husband.  The man died after a relatively short fight with cancer. So, my friend/coworker had time to prepare herself. Nonetheless, I admire the way she handled the entire thing. She demonstrated a class and decorum that I think few could match.

I noticed how the man eulogized was much like me. The traits I view as personally negative were portrayed positively. This is the form of funerals. However, it was the same way that my supporters speak of me when I beat myself up over what I perceive of as my negative traits. I am not sure what to make of that. They also spoke of positive traits that I do not possess.

The other thing I noticed was the architecture of the church. In the ceiling one could see a deeply recessed equal-armed cross. Light shone from somewhere within its form. Suspended within and beneath this cross was a standard Christian cross made of very thin simple wood. This struck me as much more the healing aspect of Jesus that folks talk about rather than the horrid image I grew up with of a crucified Jesus hanging on the back wall of the church.

I enjoyed it when others prayed for the deceased. There was no spiritual longing. There was no selfishness. I could feel the pleasant love of those in attendance. That was very nice.

One Straight Line

It is no secret I have been having a lot of issues of late. To say there were/are bad would be an understatement. Frankly, I scared myself. In my entire life, I have never been worried about me. As a result, I sought some professional help. Today, I made an important discovery.

The first counselor had some transference issues. She was so upset with the situation I came to discuss that she was useless for the issue. I had seen her ten years ago during my divorce. I know she is good and helpful but when a therapist hears your issue and gets visibly angry at the people involved, she cannot help you. She did, however, diagnose me with PTSD. This stemmed from an incident involving my former coven.

Being properly diagnosed was a huge help. It explained why previous attempts at therapy for obsession and frustration issues simply didn't work. They were treating the symptom, not the problem.

I asked my sister, who is in the mental health field, and she gave me a recommendation to a psychologist. This fellow viewed the incident as "incredibly sadistic" but didn't let this impact him like the first woman did. He has been a great help. My mental pain has been greatly reduced. My obsession is again under control. It isn't gone but it is under control. I certainly no longer feel emotional pain when the obsession tries to starts and only a little anger. This is a huge breakthrough. I still have a LOT of work to do on this issue.

I haven't posted about this as the idea took some time to get used to and there was nothing of significance as far was doing the Work goes. Today was different.

Basically, I went to him with the PTSD and two other issues that I have in my life that to me were just personality defects that I wanted fixed. In order to get PTSD something traumatic must happen but you also must be predisposed to it. There has to be something else going on that allows it to take hold. I don't quite understand that as to me anyone in a war zone ought to get PTSD. Do humans really need a predisposition for that? Then again, some veterans don't deal with PTSD. So, the professionals may be right. I don't understand these things.

A few people all had the same theory as to why I had such a hard time with the coven incident. It turns out their reasoning, which was not unreasonable, was incorrect.

This doctor was able to draw a straight line in my life from a disturbing dream I had when I was five, to school yard incidents, to other life incidents, to the PTSD, to my frustation issues. All of them form one straight line. They are all the same issue in different forms.

I find this utterly fascinating. The only way I can explain how a dream of a five year old connects to traumatic future life incidents is that our souls are born with a challenge to overcome. Sometimes, the sages of old were correct. Who would have thought that?

I feel like I am finally getting some tools to deal with the PTSD and the other issues that have held me back. I have no doubt I'd have faced all these issues in time during the course of my work and dealt with them were it not for that one incident that caused the PTSD. Getting that under control will change my life for the better.

There is hope now. If nothing else, I have been able to shed any self-blame for the incident. This is good.

I have gone through total destruction before as part of my GD work. That time, I was alone. There was no one willing to be supportive that knew how to be. This time, I have had a host of friends that were there. My chosen brother L was a big help as were other Bakersfield friends. My Gal, my ex, despite having a fiance', a job, her own health issues and a brand new baby contacted me every single day. If she couldn't find me on instant messenger, she texted. If I didn't respond fast enough, she called. My long time friend, The Witch, also stuck in for the long hall. My friends J and A also helped a great deal Without these people, there would have been no hope at all. 

Temporarily Illiterate

I have been feeling the urge to study of late. Specifically, I want to look into the adept level GD tarot spread that takes just this side of forever to perform. I've never had any interest in that before. Also, Jack mentioned something about the Thoth tarot that I want to look into that I feel will take my readings to the next level.

The problem is that when I pick up a book I can read about a sentence. After that, I simply do not care. If I try to push, it is like reading French written by an Italian that knew neither English nor French.

I suppose this may be a sign that I am picking up again. That same sign is also saying I am not ready yet. I am not frustrated by this. I am only a bit annoyed when I give in and try to pick up a book and hit that language barrier.

The only thing that interests me at the moment is working with the Conclave of the Greek Key. To me, this group is what I always thought a coven was supposed to be. We all have great trust in each other. I also trust the gods we are dealing with. Now, I know that gods often have an agenda of their own that doesn't fit with our own. For reasons I cannot explain, I trust these gods anyway. Completely.

I cannot imagine not getting back to ceremonial magick and all that it entails. Sooner or later, that will happen. I want to do magick again. I am just not sure how and I know (cue Bush 1) it wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

I do feel there is a greater depth to me now. There will be a greater depth to my magick once I am out of this place.

Clue

I think I have hit on the secret of this initiatory trauma. Time will tell.

Identifying with Thoughts

When I speak publicly on the tarot, I make the point that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are transient and mutable our souls are fixed (from a one-life perspective) and immortal. Since we identify as our thoughts, most people give me strange looks. My point is usually lost in a fog of bewilderment.

I mention this because some evangelicals knocked on my door today. In my opinion, evangelicals are among the rudest humans on the planet. The very idea of knocking on my door to interfere with my spiritual practices demonstrates a hubris even an ego-maniac Leo cannot comprehend. I believe they should be educated regarding their rudeness. However, 90% of the time, I am polite to them. This irritates me. 

Trust me, there is a tie in to the first paragraph in a minute.

So today, I am watching a documentary on Anti-Semetism. They made the statement that the Holocaust was the worst such event ever. This is a statement I took for granted until recently. That statement is rarely made with any qualification. Is it worst due to numbers, brutality, proportion of the population, perniciousness or something else? I can think of Rwanda, Cambodia, the Balkans and Armenian genocides off the top of my head. Is it being 'the worst' a valid statement? I simply don't know but a genocide is never good. Is this statement more of a cultural identity? "We are the most abused?" 

Think about that statement for a moment and its impact. If you buy into that cultural identity, would there be a danger is seeing abuse where there is none? Wouldn't 'owning' that abuse make you fearful, resentful and looking for the next thing to be fearful and resentful about? I am not speaking here of the lot of the Jewish people. I am making a general statement about identifying with a negative belief. 

What I noticed even more is that I accept claims of anti-Semetism with greater ease than I do of racial or gender discrimination. I began to wonder why. Maybe it is because I've seen what I believe to be false claims of those things in my life but I have never seen a case of anti-Semetism in my personal life -- real or imagined. Maybe I accept it more readily because the Jewish people have better PR. I don't know. I do know that the documentary, by an Israeli, seems to be claiming there are much fewer serious incidents than the Jewish culture would have you believe. 

The problem is that you really don't know what is going on if you were not there to witness the incident, even so, opinions vary. Two people witnessing the same incident often have two distinct points of view. 

This is much like the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas issue. All an impartial observer could tell is that one of them was lying or mistaken. Any other viewpoint reflected more of a bias than anything else. Many people took a stand on who was to be believed based on their own political point of view rather than the facts of the case, which amounted to he said/she said at the time. 

So, you ask, why is this a blog post?

Because I've been identifying with a lot of my thoughts of late. Given that I am in a head space that is so utterly negative that it is literally scary, I am identifying with, well, very negative things. 

(The previous sentence was sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department "When you really have to say it ad nauseum.")

I am thinking of simply noticing the thought and letting it go as in meditation. In order to do that, I am going to duck questions of my well being and mental state when asked by my friends. I am not sure how possible this is but I do know there is a me under all this negativity. 

Vitamin B

I noticed this morning that I haven't remembered any dreams the last two days. I realized that I stopped taking the Vitamin B. I am getting more and more convinced that Vitamin B aids in dream recall.

Nothing New

There is nothing really new in my state of mind. I remain rabidly depressed. Though, from time to time, I am succeeding in breaking through into a good mood that lasts several hours. I am still staying away from magick.

Watershed Moment?

Last night, I went to bed with an entirely different attitude. The cycling thoughts tried to intervene but just like in a meditation, I was able to say no, quietly, and those thoughts departed. This may be normal for most people but not I. Negative thoughts often cycle through my brain of their own accord. They wind me up to a frenzy. This sparks certain behaviors that I don't like.

There was a quiet conscious decision as those thoughts occurred last night, "No." It worked. It felt a bit like Tai Chai. I simply redirected the incoming energy. I do not know if it will work today or tomorrow. I do know it worked last night and I slept beautifully.

Today, I am a bit scared for a couple of reasons. The Dalai Lama's ideas of choosing an emotional response to given situations and by looking at the problems situations would cause had they broken the way I wanted to has had an impact. I can see the unhappiness had my coven situation gone another way. Do I really want to be engaged with some of those folks? No, their attitudes about certain things are so contradictory to my own that I'd be unhappy to get along by going along. Others in that group, I'd be more than happy to associate with. However, the problems caused by the others certainly would have a chance to trump that happiness in tragic ways. I am looking at other more recent blows and seeing them the same way.

So why is that scary? Because known to others or not, these perspectives very much colored my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. Changing those perspectives will change my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. This is uncharted territory.

My mind is not afraid at all. However, I am having a physical fear reaction. If you lived in my head, you'd find that contradiction utterly fascinating. It is like living on the edge of the qabalistic G'uph (physical body/soul) and the Ruach (personality/mind soul). I can see both acting independently. It is pretty cool. Which being pretty cool with being scared is, well, a unique sensation.

The second reason for being afraid is something John Michael Greer once told me. He said that he was amazed at, "...what some people feed their heads." The phrase has always stuck with me. I thin he meant some of the garbage spewed forth in the name of entertainment and the like. I am not sure as that conversation was five or six years ago.

In this case, this is what his words sparked within me.

In my occult career, I have always worked on myself. I was deeply moved by the internal purification process. That isn't going to work anymore. The parts of me left that I viewed as needing purification no longer really exist. They are not real parts of me but habits. Simply put, they are dead but given that there is nothing left to replace them they live as ghosts in my machine. I am now working on things to replace them.

The first step is improving my reading material. While I didn't realize this when I picked it up, The Art of Happiness at Work by the Dalai Lama was my first step in this direction. I don't think think the rest of my magickal work will be so focused on the purification part. No doubt I will revisit those themes from time to time but it will not be my continual primary focus.

So, I suppose the second reason for fear is related to the first. This represents a great change as well.

Side Note:

I am not a huge fan of Pen Jilette but this USA Today promotional material for his book God No! lays out his atheist ten commandments. They look pretty impressive to me.

The Art of Happiness - Post 1

Well, I am living a non-active magickal life right now. I don't do any magick at all except a little meditation and not much of that.

I am realizing that I am focusing on negative things not because I want to, heck, some of them are really unknowns or illusionary feelings. When I fished around for positive things, I have many. I have some good friends, a job, a warm house, and I was recently able to help someone out of a horrible living situation. Yet, these positive thoughts do not hold my attention. My mind loops back to silly unresolvable items in the past.

I have some plans for creating a wider variety of positive things to engage with and thus occupy my mind. This though, upon closer inspection, seems just as illusionary. Their is not positive and negative but a given state of awareness.

In recognition of that, I am reading the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness. As a I read the book, I will post a few quotes or thoughts.

• Whatever one's line of work, we are all just working to take care of ourselves
• If there is injustice, then I think inaction is the wrong response. Th Buddhist texts mention what is called 'misplaced tolerance' or 'misplaced forbearance...[the action taken] depends on the situation." (page 20)

One of the things that struck me was a discussion of impossible situations. How can we feel better and be happy, which he says is the purpose of life, when we are unfairly treated, oppressed and the like? He says we can analyze emotional reactions and choose which one serves us better for the long term. Which emotional reaction can I have now, that will make me the happiest later? While logical, I never thought of it this way.

The Dalia Lama says we can begin this process by realizing that no situation is 100% good or 100% bad. You can also realize that had the situation gone the way you wanted it, there would be other problems that would come of that. You may be better off as defeated than victorious.

That said, one should not confuse contentment with complacency. You can still strive for that victory in other ways. However if that fails, be content with what you have. That contentment diffuses a great deal of frustration.

The author translator points out there is a danger here. We can rationalize things away but that is not true contentment.

Spewing Forth

A comment from Atlantic on my post about a dream got me thinking. The post described a building being built from the top down. I looked it at as if the supernals, Greater Neschemah or the Immortal soul manifesting by descending. The empty space beneath the building was a metaphor for the things I have lost this year. He mentioned that it was a process of rebuilding the personality.

I have heard that there comes a time when I magician gets to specifically select aspects to incorporate into his personality. I have also heard that this is an outstanding in my life to do nothing. Obviously, therein lies a dilemma.

Right now, all that seems to be coming out of my mouth is the negative part of my personality. The rest of my goodness is hidden but watching. It perceives the attitude being displayed and knows that it isn't real. I am saying things that display a horrible negative perception of my future. I am saying that I feel hopeless. Though, this isn't true. I think I feel lost right now and like I have little left in my life save some really good friends. Which, I must admit, is more than I had the last time I went through wide spread dissolution. 

I actually am very down about my present; I am not so down about my future in every aspect. There are a few things I am very down there on but not everything. The odd part is that one very aware part of me is listening to another very aware part of my personality say things both parts know are not factually correct regarding my own attitude. This is truly fascinating. I actually enjoy the sensation of being doubly aware.

At the moment, my plan is to let the part that watches interrupt the part that is spewing forth this stuff. 

Another Death

Yes, I am a dangerous man to know. People are dropping like flies.

I learned today that a friend I lost contact with years ago died recently. She had some kind of weight loss surgery. I am told it left a hole in her belly that never healed.

This is not an emotionally traumatic thing for me. However, it is a bit sad. I worked magick for her to help her bipolar syndrome. My magick could calm her for a day or two and fool the blood tests to get her medications readjusted. I stopped for that very reason. I couldn't justify getting someone's medications adjusted based on my temporary fixes.

She had lived a very troubled life. I hope she feels better now.

Waking Astral Vision

Last night was a difficult sleep night. I slept very little and when I did, woke often. Towards the morning, about 4:30, I had a dream.

I was driving a car with my Conclave partners, Witch and Flower. I was driving off pavement and getting us killed. At times, I had two wheels on the pavement and the other two hanging over a cliff. I kept apologizing for being about to get us all killed.

I woke up just a tad scared but not real bad. I became literally awake as a voice whispered something in my ear. I opened my eyes and saw faces. I was surrounded by men and women. Their forms made up of lines of light. Their faces and bodies suggested by lines of light. They were clear. They were real.

By emotional alone they welcomed me.

I have a popcorn ceiling painted a standard white. It was glistening with light. My ceiling was made of stars and the night sky.

Spiritual Locks and Keys

Sometimes I have felt as if the spiritual world was behind a locked gate. I felt that I did not possess the key; I did not know where the lock or the gate were even located. I have learned...

     There is no gate and the key is ecstasy. 

The is no man nor woman that holds the key.

     I hold the key.

Today, I KNOW things that yesterday I knew. Today, I KNOW things that I never knew.

     It will all happen.

Today, I ate lunch and an 84 year old former clergyman sat down next to me. We talked. He was a pretty cool old man.

     I made his day.


     That is one of the keys I hold.

Closer

I am getting closer to studying magick again. That may make this space a bit more interesting and informative than simple rehashes of my mental state and various dreams.

By no means am I ready to do magick in any way but I am feeling the urge to read and think about it. I do not that this will cause any problems nor do I feel it will begin today. It is still a bit of a ways off. This feels like some sort of reflection of things falling into place at some future point.

I will closely monitor myself for signs of increasing trouble. I'm not sure what further trouble will look like. Perhaps I will be arrested for being bottomless in public while trying to play the Star Spangled Banner on a kazoo. Who knows?

This afternoon I wrote a new ritual opening for the Conclave of the Greek Key and have submitted that to my partners.

Not Quite Right

There is a difference between those things that one knows intellectually and one knows intimately. I have finally reached somewhat of a clue. I know it more deeply than intellectually but I don't have an intimate knowledge of it yet. That is because it is right but not quite right. it is like having a key that almost turns a lock.

Another's opinion of me does not matter. Where someone (anyone) thinks I am as a magician, spiritual person or just a human is of no use. I will no longer pay tribute to those that hide missteps of their own or others by reflecting it back to my progress on my path.

What matters is who I am right now.

What matters is what I am right now.

What matters is how fully I manifest myself and Myself (Greater Neschemah).

Other people's weaknesses are not a reflection of my own. They may own what is theirs.

If someone needs to hide something, that is a reflection of their guilt or insecurity, not my spirit. This is true no matter how much their believe their own blinds. Sincerity and depth of perception are not equivalents.

I will allow them to return to their own vomit again and again.

The only thing that matters is following my own spirit. It is the only way I can serve.

Short Dream

Since I have nothing else to post about and dreams seem to be the only thing I'm attempting to pay attention to, I thought I'd record the latest.

I awoke feeling disappointed that I could not recall any dreams. About an hour later, I did remember.

The background is that over the last year, I have had a lot of dreams where I am fearful about heights. Sometimes, I am on a deadly precipice. Other times, I am at work, in an enclosed elevator that is falling or about to fall or in some other way very rickety. Up until this most recent crisis, the fear aspect of the dreams has faded. That emotion hasn't entirely dissipated but it is certainly less.

Last night, I was walking toward the skyscraper in question and looked at the new one right beside it. The center piece of the new structure was finished (axis mundi?) but the outer portions of the building were not. In fact, the outer portions didn't reach the ground. This, in the dream, reminded me of The Cross. However, the top portions were filled in.

Obviously, in mundane reality, no one would build a building from the top down as appeared to be happening.

At this point, there was a conversation with the director my department at work, a woman. In reality, she'd have nothing to do with building projects. She was sternly advocating patience as I was probably pointing out the absurdity of building from the top down.

The dream ended with the building complete and upon the ground as normal.

Dreams and Temptation

This morning I woke remembering five dreams. I think my previous record is two but it could be as many as three.

One of them had to do me delivering a manuscript of fiction to a couple. I am not sure if they were editors or not but I was seeking their approval. The book had a controversial element to it. I was concerned how that would be received. It was of a sexual nature but I don't know the specifics. In a later dream, I remembered that I had left out a transitional chapter in the book. 

One of them involved being stranded with a dead car. The only way to assistance was along a ditch bank. The way was littered with thugs and prostitutes. I was attacked once but a look drove the man away. Then there was a common stampede of people fleeing from something. 

Here I briefly woke and decided I didn't want to dream anything scary. The only thing I remember from that is carrying a naked teenage girl somewhere. No, there was no sexual thrill. There were more people in that dream.

I cannot remember the other two as I am doing a non-existent job of keeping a dream journal. 

The common theme in all the dreams I am remembering, including more than last night, is group interaction. 

Temptation

I am holding fast to my no magick rule. I am getting a study call to Hermes. The way I am looking at it as that if He wants to chat, He can come to me. Gods can do that. Aside from that, I'm sticking to my rule. This is not an emergency. 

Morality Discussions

In his post, Jack declared that he is not interested in discussing anyone morals.

I find value in that. At the very least, there is a practical value. I will demonstrate in reverse. Were we to meet, after reading this blog, are you really concerned that I'm going to pick a hair off your shirt and use it as a link to curse you? Do you think I'm going to leave some powder at your next public circle for you to walk across? Likely not, so we can approach each other as friends. If I know you're a link whore, you're not getting into my house. We can't be friends because I can't trust you.

If I know you don't piss on your own magick and I also know you've sought a magickal friendship, again, I can trust you. If you reverse on your own desires often, you will reverse on me. No trust, no friendship. Simple.

The downside is that knowing those things about me, you may be attempted to attack thinking you have unlimited free shots. That would be a mistake.

Update on No Magick:

The anxiety levels have dropped significantly. They did so gradually over about a week.  No resolution on anything else but that is a big help.

Downward Spiral

I am spiraling myself into a black hole.

I have continued to look for outside validation for sustenance. This is foolish, stupid, and unproductive. It is a trap. It is a very simple trap and one that I cannot release myself from.

There is life or death at the bottom of that spiral. I feel that I have not yet bottomed out.

Those who called this the dark night of the soul lied. It lasts longer than a night.

Update

I thought I'd post a short update.

I have dreamed every night since I started the Vitamin B.  Most of these involve group dynamic situations. This is not normal dream subject matter for me.

In one such dream, I was chastising a subordinate in the army. He had gone off on his own and attacked a position with only a handgun and a grenade. I called him a hero and then got on him for not working as a team.

My planned dream journal has not happened but I am trying to make it so.

Dreams

Taking the Vitamin B complex seems to have resulted in remembering dreams each night since I started. Naturally, the fade over time but I do remember when I wake up. I will likely start a dream journal. I will probably not post that here. There is nothing more boring than reading about someone else's dreams.

Whiny Ass Bitch

Yup, I've been a whiny ass bitch in this space and in my head for a while. I am getting as sick of it as you are. While I know everything is perfect and as it should be, I have a great deal of trouble with my emotional side buying into that.

Nor am I sure how exactly to dig myself out. What I have noticed is that there is very little positive in my head. Even when I get rid of every negative thought, there is nothing positive to fill in the vacuum. This will not do.

I have no idea how that applies to occultism. I only know that I have to change my state of mind. The current state will not do.

Last night, I had a dream of zombies and suicides. It wasn't as horrible as it sounds. i didn't feel threatened at all. Perhaps this was telling me I am surrounded my dead things, my own ideas and aspirations, but it would all right. There was a sense of divine purpose all around.

Utter Destruction

Nick Farrell wrote about the Path of Peh. An alert reader linked my current situation to Nick's post. Having read through it once, I am going to hack it to bits and cover some areas that I am experiencing.
I Had thought that I had worked this path but I know it is walked again during my current period of trial.

Frankly, I see very little to build upon and have all but given up. That said, I am still here writing. So, part of me must still give a damn. I have included all of Nick's post here. His words are in italics.

Cabbalists have long warned of the dangers of lateral paths, those of the 27th, 19th and 14th , on the Tree of Life. Spiritually people are jumping between extremes, something which is never good for someone trying to progress. This problem is represented by one of the most misunderstood tarot cards in the deck, the Tower. In cabbalah this card is represented by the Hebrew letter Peh, and its lessons are one of the hardest that a person has to face. This card appears to be one of doom with destruction of structure emphatically expressed. On the face of it we are saying who ever walks this path is about to lose everything they have thought was true. 

 Well, I can't argue this. I have seen signs of losing many old friends, mentors and the like. I've lost a love. I've lost my sense of security with my back being so bad. Right now, I see almost nothing positive in my life. I am sure I have them. I am clothed and housed at the moment. I have friends. On the other hand my job situation is questionable and I am being shown how old friends have behaved directly against my interest and how some new friends fall into the same pattern.

When a person walks this path they are unbalanced and thinks they know how their universe is meant to be. In the Golden Dawn Ritual Tarot, the Tower is made up of the Hebrew letters and this gives a clue as to how our universe is built. We build our universe with words (Peh in Hebrew means Mouth); we describe it and talk about what we want and believe. 

Yes, this is true. As I went through some things this time, the Helpful Deity told me not to speak of my pains. I have watched as my words expressed the painful emotions but those words were confused, incoherent and disjointed. Speaking those words came with a high price.

Up until now that is all very well. We build our universes according to what our family, friends and circumstances dictate. Most of the time these decisions are based on the comfort of our lower selves. There is nothing wrong with this, it is entirely how everyone lives their life. But what we don't understand is that our Higher Selves very often have plans for us that are completely out of step with that. Our ever more complicated universes are built brick by brick, word by word until they mock what our Higher Self wants for us. 

 Much of this started when I began to utter the Prayer of Jabez which was a direct appeal to the higher to move me as It Will. The Manifestation Meditation is the same way. We are so certain that we are right and that we have been doing the right thing all the time. We use the Hodian powers to justify our material and intellectual existence. But it is a prison for our true self. Our towers always isolate us from what we are truely meant to be and our own powers. Illness, misery and isolation are all symptoms of those who are about to walk the Tower path. Illness, misery and isolation have pretty much been what I have experienced of late. Even when I adjust and move forward on any one thing it appears as if my emotions collapse around another. Yet your lower self is almost certain to deny this. You are a King, or Queen, of this Kingdom. It is yours and you know every inch of it. You have invested time, money and effort into it. It might be cold, useless and broken, but it is yours. 

Well, for the most part, I am willing to get rid of whatever else is left in my life the universe wants to take. The hard part is letting it go without seeing anything to replace it.

When you first step onto this path you are asking your Higher Self to take over the design of your life. This sends a current of energy from your Higher Self that connects into the universe you have built. Everyone knows that there is always something wrong with their lives but they manage to hold everything together. When we experience the Tower this current from the Higher Self finds your weak spot and it is blown. If the rest of your universe can hold together you might be alright, but generally what happens is that everything goes like a House of Cards.

Other people get cards? GRIN

How does this manefest? Usually in the form of a realisation that you might have not got it right. 

Well not for me. I have known I haven't got it right for a very long time. However, I am now realizing thatI have little idea or hope on how to get it right.

But this is not the sort of realisation that you can say opps silly me. This is a gut wrenching deep realisation that will cause your universe and its reason for being to collapse as your Higher Self calls you to your power and destiny. The singer Peter Gabriel wrote of this in a song called "In Your Eyes:" 


"All my instincts, 
they return and the grand facade, 
so soon will burn without a noise, 
without my pride I reach out from the inside." 


Sharpened by the realisation of your Higher Self the instincts that were heading you towards your real life in childhood, before Schools, teachers and parents got in the way, return to you. This creates something similar to a mid-life crisis. You start to question what is real and what your true motivations are for everything. This can be incredibily depressing or liberating, depending on how much you hold on to your old Tower. 

Maybe I am holding on to my tower too tightly.

But it is important to realise that you, the seeker, are seeing your universe destroyed and it is terrible. But you are also building a new one. The destruction and creation is part of the duality of a laterial path, both are hand-in-hand with each other. The old Tower has to be swept away but a new universe which is going to be more 'you' is going to be put in its place.

So I have been told my entire occult career. Yet, looking back, I see nothing but wave after wave of destruction and very little building. Yes, I have occult skills. I have yet to find a use for them. Perhaps because I have no idea what my tower should look like, there is no way for me to apply what I have learned to its creation.

Remember that the letter Peh is the mouth? What comes from the mouth is the Word. John's Gospel says that "In the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word was toward God." Our Higher Self is the Word and the Word which was With God is now reverberated to the lower levels and formed a vehicle for itself which we call the personality so that it can be uttered in the densest levels of matter. This suggests then that the Word is heard again. You are reminded of your destiny and need to reform your personality so that it is a better lamp for the Word.

While I dislike the reference to the angry desert god, I fully agree that the universe is spoken into existence in the macro and microcosms.

All those images that you create are bought to life on this path and traveling it is where you get your magical power from. But before that, this path excites those images that you have currently built up. These are mostly images of separation, negativity and fear and things that keep you small. 

Yes, all those things are the images I am seeing.

Normally it would be very hard for you to break free from this habitual thinking, so the Universe steps in and creates the change for you. You would think you would be grateful, and after the dust has settled you probably will be, but the pain of the process makes you spit and hate the universe more than ever. Is it possible to avoid the pain of the Tower? It depends on the level of attachment you might have to your current universe and willing you are to let it all go. Chances are that any new universe that is created will have components that are similar to the new one, if you look at the Tarot Key the Sun, the wall that is in the background is a new Tower but built in accordance to the divine pattern out of the rubble of the old Universe. However you cannot be certain what will stay and what will go. It is best to just see what happens. The Tower card says that the change we experience comes from our Higher Self, or God giving a proper image of our true life pattern. So one way we can avoid too much pain is by looking at our material and emotional universe and working out what it is that is standing in the way of an occult life. What is weak in us that could shatter under the pressure of the Tower? What is it that you base your life on and is this sustainable in the light of infinite truth. Using Christian symbolism, can you stand before your creator and be 'proud' about how you have constructed life. What is it that you can honestly say you are cocking up and need to change. It is almost certain that the Martian forces of the Tower will be targeting those to bring you down. The other issue you might like to think about is where you have your security. In an ideal divine universe your security should be based on the Universe or your Higher Self. Other dependencies whether they be people, habits, or environments, or even the power of your own ego, could be under pressure or actually be swept away at this time. 

Yes, I see many people getting swept away along with habits. Even my environment is under threat but mostly from myself. We will see.

In your meditations you should be saying to yourself, "I let go of the control of my universe and place it under the charge of my Higher Self. What will come, will come, what I will lose I do not need."

Good advice there.

This will help you deal with some of what you will face. However not all of it. You have to remember where you are headed and that is Netzach, which is the sphere of Love. If ever there was a psychological minefield where bogus perceptions of reality need to be swept away it is over love and what it means. To even get half way to understanding what Love is you have to sweep aside a Tower which has its foundations deep within your pysche. Most people's perception of love comes from the relationships and lessons of their family. As most families are to a greater or lesser extent dysfunctional, so to are the inadequate perceptions of what love which people build their lives on. The sort of love, of which Netzach is a representation, is the real thing. While it is divine, it appears in fragments in human expression. This is why as an Initiate experiences the energies of Netzach it often throws light onto their weak relationships and creates a focus for the Tower. 

While it appears that most of my relationships are/were very weak.

We can help resolve this by working out what love really is and trying to manifest the real version in our life. However anyone who has read the Greek myths will know that Cupid is often a trickster and when he is evoked we can be taken into many strange places. However, when understood, it is Eros that all divine universes are built upon and it is impossible to progress without really understanding it. Thus it is that the Tower often sweeps aside our false perceptions of Love and helps us to build a concept which is better suited for our spiritual journey. Another aspect of this path is a call towards Unity. One of the visions of Netzach is that of the seven lamps. What is being suggested until Tiphareth all things are One Thing, but at this sphere this 'white light' splits into the seven chromatic colours. In other words One becomes Many. Coming down the path, from Netzach to Hod, the Tower builds a structure based on this split universe, moving to ever more complexity. However coming up the path, as you are about to do, it destroys the many fold structure to create ever more simpler forms. While this 'seven fold structure' is not yet the unity of Tiphareth, the process "does the head in" of an Initiate, particularly as they are used to seeing their universe as being made up of many bits. To fix the pain that goes with this it is best to organise life into simpler constructions which are focused on seeing everything as an expression of the One Thing. This is difficult to do, but the work you do will assist anything that your Higher Self might be trying to teach you. 

I have no idea how to do this whatsoever.

Earlier I mentioned that the trick of dealing with a lateral path is through balance. As the Tower collapses there will be a rush of emotion as power which has been locked up into its construction is freed. This emotional power, which is a hallmark of Netzach needs rationalisation by Hod otherwise you will end up in an explosive martian cocktail of anger and retribution. Your intellect should kick in and tell you, "This is part of my Tower experience. I will feel this energy, but I will not act on it." 

Practical work During this period you should be examining your personality and questioning your weak points so that you can make yourself into a lamp for the Word of your Higher Self.

Yeah yeah, I have done this for my entire career and I am still here.

All aspects of the way you do things should be questioned and re-examined. Pay particular attention to those things that you are sure you are doing correctly, 

Aside from not giving up entirely, I have no idea what I am doing correctly. Even as I radically changed in areas, those areas still collapsed.

generally these are the areas that you are failing in most.

So does that mean I should give up magick, the occult, and spirituality?

Think back to what you wanted to me as a child. Have you met those goals or did they get lost along the way. 

I am pretty sure becoming a professional baseball player or rock star is out of the question.

 Look at your relationships, are they helping or hindering you? Can they be improved? The answers to these questions are not to be decided by the standards of Malkuth. They have to be in accordance to your Higher Self. Look at the things that you have done to isolate yourself from the rest of the universe, where you have made things into a mockery of the divine Unity. Then spend quiet moments listening for your Higher Self to speak to you and when the flash of realisation comes, you will be ready. 

Most of my spiritual relationships are passing away and it is my experience that folks expect me to change to fit them rather than making any sort of changes on their own. I am not willing to do that anymore.

Transformative Fire and Some Brief Notes

For the new reader, I will disclose that I am a Leo. I have a Leo's issue's and I read the Leo News. (Nods to anyone that catches the Smothers Brothers reference there.) I can be fiery, brash, direct and creative. When I get frustrated, I get loud. You push me. I push back. You duck and I will duck with you so I can look you in the eye.

That fiery nature has a plus side. No one has to guess what I feel. They don't have to guess if I am being honest. I may be wrong but I don't bullshit.

The problem there is that fire burns. People have a natural caution when dealing with something that burns.

Magickally, I've been shown that I place too much fire in my magick. I need to calm it down with other elements. Recently, I have learned something else. Fire has two natures. There is the more elemental fire that burns. It is red. There is also transformative fire. It is white.

I will need to remember this and explore it over time. Now is not that time but I will.

Dream Vitamins

I was looked up by some old high school buddies on Facebook. One of them mentinoned he takes Vitamin B to help him remember dreams. I figured it could not hurt and tried it. Oddly enough, I remembered my dreams and they were quite tactile.

Listened

Today, I was about to start a conversation with someone. My intuition told me that it was a bad day for that person and my message would not be appreciated, mostly due to the person's current mood. I resolved to listen to my intuition. Suddenly, I received this healing loving touch. I have thought that my higher self or HGA does this when I get something right.

New Meditation and What I Have Learned

At some point yesterday, I was inspired to do a new meditation. Meditation, as I was always lead to believe, had to do with noticing your thoughts and then letting them go. The inspiration was to feel the emotion and let it go. As I felt those emotions, I could see them as splotches of color or even "where" they were within the landscape of my mind. That landscape is much larger than the confines of my physical head.

I would feel the emotion and just let it float away. There was only one emotion that I had a hard time with. In a normal state of consciousness, I cannot remember which one. That is a big clue. Part of me doesn't want to get rid of that one.

The problem is that this meditation left me with so much energy that sleep was impossible. I did it too late in the day. I had to deal with some tough emotions last night but I realized something. I was just awake in the middle of the night with nothing to do.

The emotions I had to deal with were real. Primarily, I had to deal with them because I was so awake and there was nothing else to fill up my mind. Those emotions, while real, just filled up the void space left behind. They are the equivalent of an emotional monkey mind.

This information is vital.

I have been advised to go out and do things, see people, steal hubcaps or whatever else I find enjoyable. This is good advice. The thing is all of those things, while satisfying the human need for socialization, can also be an avoidance technique. The trick is to engage in those activities but allow oneself to feel and let go. This will allow very real and understandable emotions to be broken up.

Hardened emotions, from long past damage, can be the pain referenced below.

Things I have learned:

• When someone screws up and does damage to yourself or others, look for the pain that resides behind the action. This allows one to have greater compassion. 
• Protect yourself from said action first. Then act upon that compassion. The other way around does not work for the damage done will override that compassion.
• There are people that see symptoms and run. Others see uses and use. Some see what can be and wait. Still others can see the whole; The past, present and future exist all at once. Those that run are deprived. Those that use diminish the gift. Those that wait never participate. Those that experience the whole are blessed.

The Beginnings of Impact

Many many years ago, I had a vision of the Buddha hold up his hand in what American's would say was a gesture meaning stop. The vision was detailed. I posted to some discussion board when the internet was new and asked about it. I was told the story of Buddha stopping a charging elephant. I can't remember the story I was told but it wasn't hard to find something similar. It may be the exact story.

As I was making that search to write this post, I found this story about stopping something else about Buddha that seem just as apropos, if not more.

My hiatus from magick is only a few days old but I can sense the elephant has stopped charging or maybe it is preparing to stop. The internal pressure to achieve, to understand, to grow closer, to rid myself of impurities is abating. I am not sure what the analogy is for this, maybe a swimming pool pump stopping? Maybe a rock has fallen into a brook, creating a temporary damn. The point is that I can feel it.

With it, other currents, I hope will slow too.

Now the part that I find amusing is this. Magicians are into various forms of symbolism. Recently, I adopted the Blue Hand as my symbol. I can seriously see this as a symbol for stopping and being receptive. The odd part is that it was meant to be my right hand but the artist drew the left. In my symbolism the left is the more passive, in an active sort of way.

I am not capturing this feeling well with words and will likely make a future attempt at doing so.

Side Note:

Some just started following my blog with the coolest internet name that I have seen in a while. She calls herself Bab(s)alon. It cracked me up. So, I thought I'd share.

Veteran's Day

What follows is my annual Veteran's Day post. While technically off-topic, what these folks have and are willing to sacrifice should never be off-topic from our hearts. I would also like to thank the Fresno Pagan veterans that I am aware of: WitchDoctorJoe, Chris G and Izzy. I'm sure there are more of you. Also the readers of this blog that have served. Consider yourselves thanked.

Both my father and Chris G passed this year. I do not think a Veteran's Day will pass that I will not think of them.

Veteran's Day is here. While many of us do not approve of they way our armed forces have been used, I believe it is good to remind ourselves that the armed forces are made up of individuals whom are trying to do the 'right thing'. These men and women serving today are not so different from those that served in the past.

My father's father was stationed in Germany immediately after World War II. They lived near Supreme Allied Command Europe Head Quarters. As young boys they would sneak into the basement of the building (the times were different then) and watch captured German war footage. He once told me that the images he saw were worse than anything shown on television about the holocaust. Right there he said, "Never again."

After high school, he enlisted in the army and after basic training was asked if he wanted to volunteer. "For what," he asked. There was no meaningful reply. He said yes and found himself in counter intelligence school.

At around the age of twenty, during the height of the cold war, he walked in the streets of cities behind the Iron Curtain not knowing a word of the language and accomplished his tasks. I once asked him how he managed to blend in. He said, "I just kept telling myself I am a Russian. I am a Russian."

Alone, he walked through snow covered mountains, was dropped into inhospitable desserts and was once the only agent to get in and out of Romania alive. Unlike many heroes that acted on a spur of the moment impulse, this hero consciously chose each life threatening mission, as every mission was strictly volunteer. He actively chose to risk his life -- routinely. He didn't do this for the GI Bill, money for college or anything else. He did it because of a boyhood promise. Never again.

People like this never retire until their bodies do. He worked missions long after he left the military for medical reasons. "Never again," he said. Much later in life he once told me that it wasn't until many years later that he realized all our enemies were 'over here.'

My father ascribes to no religion but would and has put his life on the line to make sure that you can practice yours.So on this Veteran's Day remember my father and the many men and women like him that have served this country for the right reasons, for honorable reasons and because they are heroes. What would the world be like if we were all half as brave?

 -- A Proud Son

Take a moment to thank a vet today. They deserve so much more.

Without Magick: Two Days

I must acknowledge that I have gone quite a long time without doing magick. I am sure, the anal retentive reader could find periods of a couple of weeks within the space of this blog. This is the first time I've stopped doing for any length of time on purpose.

The first thing I noticed was Tuesday night. I had a dream of my mentor and his wife. I was crying about all the loses I have suffered this year. Wednesday night returned me to the time of very difficult sleep. There were no dreams that I could recall.

Having said I won't be doing magick for a while has yielded some fruit already.

• I am sifting through practical magick that I want to do, planning and prioritizing. 
• I have writing to catch up on.
• I have bought a Spotify account. Listening to music will break me from my Netflix habit that I developed while my back was too bad to move. The music also makes me more ambitious.

I am doing some contemplation on prayer. In the past, I have noted how prayer can quickly change one's life. Does that count as magick? I have prayers I want to offer to Thoth and various other deities. Some of them are devotional. Other prayers are requests. 

I can make a serious argument as to both being a form of magick. I then thought I should go back to think of why I have stopped doing magick. That reason is because at the moment

• I do not have all of my mental faculties together. I am imbalanced.
• I have a lot of emotional pain issues going on and am a bit of a wounded animal. I don't want to strike out like one, even with the best of intentions.
• My various subtle bodies need a break and time to recuperate.

Devotional prayers may seem less magickal but as they bring you closer to the deity in question, I am betting they exert some pull on the subtle bodies. Requests, while at first appearing to be more magickal, would seem be easier on the subtle parts of me. I suppose that depends how the deity in question would respond. If it changes me to provide what I ask, I am back to the idea that I shouldn't. If the changes are more external, then I shouldn't have a problem. 

Do tarot readings count?

The Dark Night of the Soul

Fear is not only the mind killer; It is a spirit killer.

Many years ago, I noticed that the people have two motivations. They seek pleasure and avoid pain.  I have since learned that I was speaking of the automatic personality but that is of little import. The odd part is that it usually isn't the pleasure they are after. Primarily, the human motivation is to avoid pain.

The pain they are avoiding is a deep seated one. It may be that of an abusive father long dead and no longer capable of inflicting new torment. It may be some long festered social wound from the teen years. The origin doesn't matter. What matters is the torment is old and dead but any form of reliving it stokes a primal pain.

People in this circumstance may seek to dull the old pain with alcohol. If that alcohol consumption causes him to inflict pain upon another, creates DUIs, job loss or divorce, all great pains, the individual will continue to drink. Those huge current pains are worth it, as long as the primal pain is avoided. That primal pain and its avoidance can explain a lot of behavior that is more or less questionable.

Fear is not only the mind killer; It is a spirit killer. Fear is the primary motivator.

It can only be overcome by being experienced with purpose. That purpose is agape. Those that undergo the great work know this even when we are unaware. Every step along the way we batter down fear after fear. Those fears are merely blinds that keep us from facing the primary.

We do this until there is only one fear left. That fear is the center point and becomes obvious when all the interceding fears have been overcome. That fear has always been there. Instilled in a primal way at our incarnation. It is the first test of return.

Facing this fear is called The Dark Night of the Soul.

Hiatus

Given my recent mental/emotional state, my mentor has advised me to back off of magick for a while. Aside from some basic exercises, due diligence and my Greek work, I am going to follow that advice.

This will be difficult. I love magick. I love it more now that my focus is damn good. As my mentor keeps saying, and I keep repeating, I am monk-like in my devotion. Stopping will be an act of discipline but I will be the first to admit that I need to give my various bodies a break. I am not sure how long I will hold off. I think that is a decision best determined by how I feel.

This space will still be active as what I do to distract myself during this time may be revealing. How my various bodies spiritual, mental, emotional and physical react and change will be recorded. My attempts to be very present and in the now will also be written about. I do want to state that I've been feeling much better since the weekend. Also, I have some healing meditations that I have been doing that are quite successful. I am not blogging on those because that is way too personal. Most of you know by now that such statements really mean, "I am not ready to share yet." Most everything gets in here sooner or later.

I have been impressed by the numbers of people that have shown concern for me during this period. Even when I have 'acted out' most of my friends have stuck with me. Some more than others. Some have surprised me by their love and caring. A couple have disappointed but overall I am a lucky guy. This is in stark contrast to how abandoned I was during my first huge crisis all those years ago. I suppose that is a huge improvement. I am associating with a much better cadre of friends now than then.

Magickal Awareness Born of Ethics

I have long since stopped commenting on RO's blog but in this case I am making an exception as he, to my mind, has proved a point that I have been attempting to write on for some time. This is more along the lines of mystical awareness than ethics. I came across his comments through this post on ethics from Kenaz.

In his post, Why You Need Occult Authors to Tell You Right from Wrong, RO wrote:

The fact is, you don't know right from wrong, and you're really not capable of figuring it out. You might think you know right from wrong, but you don't. You just think you do.


He is, of course, correct. Not long ago I had a discussion with Lon DuQuette. I told him that when I was a kid that I used to see the music of Black Sabbath and Ronnie James Dio as enticing but evil. Now that I've practiced for so long, I can see they are singing of holy things. His response was that from a higher perspective the event previously seen as evil can now be seen as good, positive and/or holy.

RO then goes on a bit about how you think killing is wrong and gives examples of justifiable homicide and the like. However, in all fairness that is a word game. If he started out by saying murder is wrong, there would be no way to play the game. To cite extreme examples, murder, rape and a host of other crimes are just plain wrong no matter how spiritual you think you are. Let's not split too many hairs here.

His post continues:

But here's the fucking thing: there is no right or wrong, there's only what you do, and the consequences, and whether you're happy with them or not.


I can fully see and agree with that perspective to a point. However, fucking with someone else's life magickally is nearly always wrong to me, even if I get what I want. Who am I to decide where you work, whom you date or which magickal group you belong to? It is wrong, in my book, for me to determine what is best for the other guy. Why? Because that is nine times out of ten me pandering to my little ego. Do that long enough, or effectively once, and your spiritual development can be done for quite some time. Petty revenge and temper tantrums are not worth it. Then this follows:

But if you're worried about whether or not something is right to do, then you do indeed need to be told what's right and what's wrong. If you're stuck in duality, if you haven't grasped the truth that the Universe appears both Good and Evil while it's actually neither, then you're going to need codes of conduct to keep you from fucking yourself and others up. You need rules. You need to be ruled.


RO is talking about something very real. From the heightened mystical perspective, we can see a perfection in all things. I have talked about it before. In that perfection, all is one, all is perfect, all is wonderful, no matter how bad it sucks. For me the red flag comes in here:

Everything else is motherfucking bullshit, a lie to keep you bound to the feeding trough like the good little fat piggy you are, until they're ready to eat you. Smoked, salted, fried, chopped, baked, diced with asparagus, red potatoes, and alfredo sauce. That's right, you're a ham slice. In shrink wrap, sitting on a shelf waiting to be consumed, staying carefully in the boundaries you have to stay in until someone gets hungry.

I duly note, that RO has not claimed in this post that he is above duality. However, if he did, the above should scream at you. Why? Because the above paragraph proves he sees an "I" and a "Them" i.e. YOU, you fat little piggy.

I bring this up because when you hit those lofty states of seeing the perfection in all things and other mystical experiences, you bring back PART of that awareness but not the full awareness immediately. When folks think they are there but resort to language like this or even a gentler version, their bubble needs popped because they are not where they think they are.

How do I know? Because I have done that! I didn't have the negative language of others at that time but I did see myself as a bit higher than I was.

I want to make it clear that I am not picking on RO here. I haven't talked to him in years. He may be a saint by now. It is just this post of his illustrated a point that I have wanted to make for some time but didn't really know how to say.

All that aside. For most of us, right and wrong applies. Most curses are thrown as little temper tantrums of a flailing ego. Spells to get a particular guy or gal are the same.

Hope

As most of you know I have a magickal life in two cities. My home and one group is based out of my home city. Most of my friendships and my other group is based 160 miles south of me. This weekend, I traveled south for the first time in a very long time for me.

To make things more confusing, I worked with the group based in my home town in the out of town location. Long time readers know that the Conclave of the Greek Key is based on my association with the Helpful Deity (HD), whose real name I am not allowed to mention per Her request. HD has two aspects that we work with. One of them is more immanent and the other more transcendent. 

Normally, we call to commune and learn whatever it is They want to teach us. By They, I mean a host of other Greek Gods and Goddesses that appear whenever the heck they want to. This time, we called the immanent form of HD into my female partner. Without being called the transcendent form landed in me and then brought in Zues into me at the same time. 

HD answered our specific questions thoroughly. It was then time for the other two to proceed. 

The transcendent form gave me a private instruction that I could not even share with my partner. This is rare because our work is very intimate. We see each other in very trying times and trust each other completely. However, this was for me to know and I know only me...at the moment. She did offer a healing. The energy She offered was very ethereal at first but then she gradually ratcheted it down to something more substantial. It was a very cool feeling. It was a bit like feeling the healing energy pass through the four qabalistic worlds. 

Then she brought in Zues. For reasons I cannot explain, as it would not have been my first thought, my partner asked how I may be healed from the trials I have been facing in my dark night of the soul. He gave me some answers and also left instructions for my partners to follow as well. 

I have been afraid of the HD once in her eminent form. Zues didn't scare me but I think that may be because  the transcendent form of HD was there. I will be VERY careful if He ever shows up again. I have never been all that subservient. Zeus, however, would get a lot of "Yes, Sirs" from me. That god is easily offended.

That night, I had a dream. I dreamed that I had just been initiated into Aurum Solis. I believe that is a GD offshot that practices planetary magick on a base eight system. They also are very much into practical magick. I could be wrong. I don't know much about them.

After the initiation, a huge black python type snake appeared. I ran. It killed me. The dream reset to just before that happened. The python appeared and I befriended it. It lay next to me as I petted its head. I am not aware of any association with Zeus and a big black snake but I feel the dream was the result of that working.

I woke with the understanding that much of my problems have to do with the way I think about things when depressed. I posted on that in the Reversing a Mental Habit post. However, if I skip that part, and just go to how I feel about things, I am much better off. 

I tried that with my former coven situation, which causes me angst way out of proportion with the passage of time. It was a long time ago. I found that if I thought about events and how wrong I think they are, I get mad, upset and obsessed. If I think about how I feel about no longer being with them, I am sad but very much okay. At that time in my life, those people were very very toxic to me. 

This may be a technique I can use to pull myself out of this hole. My partners following Zues's instructions may help as well. This is the first time in quite sometime that I have hope for climbing out of this.

Magickal Ethics

So I have been thinking about the ethics of magick. Jason Miller lamented in this post about why people who write about magick have to have "a fucking graduate degree in applied ethics". After all, chemistry books and other subject material doesn’t seem to fall under the same category.

I must again respectfully disagree. Since he responded directly to my post on Mastering Witchcraft in the same way, I think it is okay to assume I was the spark for that statement, which does not accurately capture what I feel on the subject. While every book on a given subject may not include such considerations, every professional organization I know of has a code of ethics, even lawyers. Well, maybe that is a bad example. The point is they have one.

There are many college courses on ethics in various fields as well. I have also see college text books containing little “for discussion” bubbles which pose an ethical question on what was discussed. Where there isn’t an ethical standard a legal one applies. In California a mechanic must give you a written estimate in writing in advance of working on your car.

So to me, not talking about magickal ethics makes what we do seem less serious than other endeavors and less professional. I am not saying that every book needs to mention ethics but I am saying discussing the ethics of what we do, challenging the ethics of certain magicks and living by own’s own ethical code is important. No one has to agree with anyone else but I see little harm in discussing ethics. No do I see harm in taking an personal ethical stand. It doesn't demean the other fellow to say, "I am not going to do that."

Most codes of ethics refer to what happens to the other guy. For instance, a lawyer breaking client confidentiality hurts the client. A doctor discussing your medical tests at home may jeopardize your ability to be employed, if her husband interviews you for a job the next day. Usually, the result of a violation only hurts the offending party when caught or so he thinks.

In magick, an ethical violation can harm others but also reverberate within at harsh levels. Let us use that love philter we have been discussing. A friend of mine once stated that he doesn’t care who has magickal links to him because he can use them in reverse. I agree. Though, I’d prefer not to have to do that sort of thing. So what happens when someone consumes a link and it is part of his or her body for the seven years it takes our cells to recycle? What happens if that hot chick that has this dropped into her drink is bipolar or schizophrenic? What happens if she is not only those things but a talented witch who finds out what you did? Good luck, Pal.

So now we have to add a discussion on how ethics violations impact ourselves. Is it just a wee bit of guilt or a major life altering tragedy?

I try to think about ethics before a situation occurs not during. During a tempting period one’s emotions are all in an uproar. Before a situation occurs you can calmly consider ramifications.

For instance, if someone asks me to do magick for them, I have examples of how magick works in ways that they may not be expecting. Doing magick to get that perfect guy, well, he lives in Toronto. Have a nice trip! In my book, I am obligated to tell them things like that in advance no matter how skilled I am at avoiding those problems. I do that every time and amazingly some people say no thank you. I don’t blame them. Then again, I don’t run a business at it either. Many business associations have rules of ethics that are more to protect the business then they are protecting their clients. 

Even magickal groups have rules of ethics. Many magickal groups have oaths you must take upon admission. Some of these include ethical boundaries. I have seen people take those oaths, forget them and end up breaking them routinely. This does not end well.

Initiation oaths notwithstanding, even magical associations have ethical standards. Check this out from the Association of Independent Readers & Rootworkers, of which I am not a member.

I can give you one more example of the benefits of these types of discussion. My stance on dropping something magickal into someone’s drink was absolute, black and white, no way. Then Jack gave me alternate scenarios in his excellent post. Now, I can see a situation where I just might do that. I still seriously doubt that I would but you never know.

That is the real value of ethics discussions. It is one more way to expand one’s horizons. It can also be a way to recognize your own lines and therefore live within your virtue. To me, those are pretty good upsides. I see no harm in discussion magickal ethics in anyway unless you are demanding others follow your ethics. I am very open to the fact that others may see the world differently than I. I am okay with that. I just ask that you be okay with me following my rules as well. I do not feel that is unreasonable.

Speaking of which Kenaz had some excellent points on this discussion. 

On a side note, I am always amazed that when I post about my magick my readership grows in a predictable pattern. The moment I take a stand on anything, no matter how nicely I put it, people stop following. I find that most silly. I read the works of people that I know disagree with me and even personally do not like me. If someone isn’t wise enough to consider another person’s ideas, disagree and still find value in other things they do, I don’t think much of them. I certainly don’t think they have the flexibility to mature as a human, magickally or not. I wonder how many drops I will get with this post.

Dark Night of the Soul

In my occult career, I have gone through some shit. Each initiation brings it own disaster, large or small. Each initiation can bring multiple such events. It is the job of the the GD-style aspirant to weather the storm, learn, assimilate and move on.

With all that, I have never understood what the dark night of the soul is. I think I am facing that now. I am seeing links to all sorts of negative events in my life. Those that have been done to me and those I have done to others. I can see the very first one as just a moment in life that may have never impacted anyone  but it did. I can see the emotional input and/or lack thereof from my parents that cracked my windshield of life. I can see other events that would be traumatizing for any kid. Still others were horrific acts perpetrated upon me. Other things were from me in the opposite direction. Yet every single one of them is linked.

This is the poison of my life. The venom inherent in the human experience that some simply deal with in ways others do not see. The venom I deal with in socially unacceptable ways.

Intellectually, I know how to  do deal with this. Complete and utter silence on all issues. Know, Will, Dare and be Silent. However, silence never has been my strong suit.