Sunday, December 4, 2011

Watershed Moment?

Last night, I went to bed with an entirely different attitude. The cycling thoughts tried to intervene but just like in a meditation, I was able to say no, quietly, and those thoughts departed. This may be normal for most people but not I. Negative thoughts often cycle through my brain of their own accord. They wind me up to a frenzy. This sparks certain behaviors that I don't like.

There was a quiet conscious decision as those thoughts occurred last night, "No." It worked. It felt a bit like Tai Chai. I simply redirected the incoming energy. I do not know if it will work today or tomorrow. I do know it worked last night and I slept beautifully.

Today, I am a bit scared for a couple of reasons. The Dalai Lama's ideas of choosing an emotional response to given situations and by looking at the problems situations would cause had they broken the way I wanted to has had an impact. I can see the unhappiness had my coven situation gone another way. Do I really want to be engaged with some of those folks? No, their attitudes about certain things are so contradictory to my own that I'd be unhappy to get along by going along. Others in that group, I'd be more than happy to associate with. However, the problems caused by the others certainly would have a chance to trump that happiness in tragic ways. I am looking at other more recent blows and seeing them the same way.

So why is that scary? Because known to others or not, these perspectives very much colored my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. Changing those perspectives will change my outer personality, self-perception and a host of other things. This is uncharted territory.

My mind is not afraid at all. However, I am having a physical fear reaction. If you lived in my head, you'd find that contradiction utterly fascinating. It is like living on the edge of the qabalistic G'uph (physical body/soul) and the Ruach (personality/mind soul). I can see both acting independently. It is pretty cool. Which being pretty cool with being scared is, well, a unique sensation.

The second reason for being afraid is something John Michael Greer once told me. He said that he was amazed at, "...what some people feed their heads." The phrase has always stuck with me. I thin he meant some of the garbage spewed forth in the name of entertainment and the like. I am not sure as that conversation was five or six years ago.

In this case, this is what his words sparked within me.

In my occult career, I have always worked on myself. I was deeply moved by the internal purification process. That isn't going to work anymore. The parts of me left that I viewed as needing purification no longer really exist. They are not real parts of me but habits. Simply put, they are dead but given that there is nothing left to replace them they live as ghosts in my machine. I am now working on things to replace them.

The first step is improving my reading material. While I didn't realize this when I picked it up, The Art of Happiness at Work by the Dalai Lama was my first step in this direction. I don't think think the rest of my magickal work will be so focused on the purification part. No doubt I will revisit those themes from time to time but it will not be my continual primary focus.

So, I suppose the second reason for fear is related to the first. This represents a great change as well.

Side Note:

I am not a huge fan of Pen Jilette but this USA Today promotional material for his book God No! lays out his atheist ten commandments. They look pretty impressive to me.


Anonymous said...

You mention feeling as if you have removed [parts of you that you viewed as needing purification and that they no longer really exist].

I'm thinking these parts are default reactions to reoccurring situations (how you react to things) or they could be personality traits (which are also for the most part, reactions). They could also be emotional baggage. In any case, I believe you can’t remove these parts but you can change them or you can change how you are going to react to them even if they are past events.

I am a firm believer that you can choose your emotions. It’s not easy but it can be done. The way I change my emotions about things is I first acknowledge my default reaction. I then analyze if the reaction is beneficial to me, what will I gain from this reaction, is it befitting a person at this juncture of my mystical/magical path. Then I decide what my course of action will be. When I was dealing with some very emotionally charged past event, I acknowledged my reaction to it when it happened and looked for how that reaction manifested other events in my life (remember for every action there is a reaction) and then choose a new reaction so that future events in my life could be affected with the new reaction (emotion) not the old one.

Robert said...

Well that is pretty much what I said.

Anonymous said...

This process has never been scary for me. Quite the opposite actually. It's been very freeing. Maybe there is something in your past that is comforting that you are afraid to let go of.

Robert said...

I have suffered a lot of traumatic moments on my initiatory path. Aside from one magickal attack by the leader of a coven, nothing much has scared me.

I cannot say why this does. It doesn't scare me enough to stop. I just recognize the fear for what it is.

When I started this blog, the intent was to be very open and honest so folks could see how one person does the Work warts, stupidit, wisdom and all. So, I post about things many would not admit to.

Anonymous said...

As to the fear, I was suggesting that there might be something from your past that you are afraid of letting go. Or it could be that you are afraid to face something from your past and it is surfacing now. I believe you said there isn't much left of the person you once were so what is left is what must be causing the fear reaction. Maybe you could catalog what is left.

Just like when an addict hits bottom, when you have nothing left there is no place else but up. Therefore you must have more left that you have not explored.

Good luck,


Robert said...

I now understand your point.