Monday, December 12, 2011

One Straight Line

It is no secret I have been having a lot of issues of late. To say there were/are bad would be an understatement. Frankly, I scared myself. In my entire life, I have never been worried about me. As a result, I sought some professional help. Today, I made an important discovery.

The first counselor had some transference issues. She was so upset with the situation I came to discuss that she was useless for the issue. I had seen her ten years ago during my divorce. I know she is good and helpful but when a therapist hears your issue and gets visibly angry at the people involved, she cannot help you. She did, however, diagnose me with PTSD. This stemmed from an incident involving my former coven.

Being properly diagnosed was a huge help. It explained why previous attempts at therapy for obsession and frustration issues simply didn't work. They were treating the symptom, not the problem.

I asked my sister, who is in the mental health field, and she gave me a recommendation to a psychologist. This fellow viewed the incident as "incredibly sadistic" but didn't let this impact him like the first woman did. He has been a great help. My mental pain has been greatly reduced. My obsession is again under control. It isn't gone but it is under control. I certainly no longer feel emotional pain when the obsession tries to starts and only a little anger. This is a huge breakthrough. I still have a LOT of work to do on this issue.

I haven't posted about this as the idea took some time to get used to and there was nothing of significance as far was doing the Work goes. Today was different.

Basically, I went to him with the PTSD and two other issues that I have in my life that to me were just personality defects that I wanted fixed. In order to get PTSD something traumatic must happen but you also must be predisposed to it. There has to be something else going on that allows it to take hold. I don't quite understand that as to me anyone in a war zone ought to get PTSD. Do humans really need a predisposition for that? Then again, some veterans don't deal with PTSD. So, the professionals may be right. I don't understand these things.

A few people all had the same theory as to why I had such a hard time with the coven incident. It turns out their reasoning, which was not unreasonable, was incorrect.

This doctor was able to draw a straight line in my life from a disturbing dream I had when I was five, to school yard incidents, to other life incidents, to the PTSD, to my frustation issues. All of them form one straight line. They are all the same issue in different forms.

I find this utterly fascinating. The only way I can explain how a dream of a five year old connects to traumatic future life incidents is that our souls are born with a challenge to overcome. Sometimes, the sages of old were correct. Who would have thought that?

I feel like I am finally getting some tools to deal with the PTSD and the other issues that have held me back. I have no doubt I'd have faced all these issues in time during the course of my work and dealt with them were it not for that one incident that caused the PTSD. Getting that under control will change my life for the better.

There is hope now. If nothing else, I have been able to shed any self-blame for the incident. This is good.

I have gone through total destruction before as part of my GD work. That time, I was alone. There was no one willing to be supportive that knew how to be. This time, I have had a host of friends that were there. My chosen brother L was a big help as were other Bakersfield friends. My Gal, my ex, despite having a fiance', a job, her own health issues and a brand new baby contacted me every single day. If she couldn't find me on instant messenger, she texted. If I didn't respond fast enough, she called. My long time friend, The Witch, also stuck in for the long hall. My friends J and A also helped a great deal Without these people, there would have been no hope at all. 


Pyrocephalis said...

I am very glad to hear that you have found the hope you have needed! I hope things continue to move forward for you.

Nightjohn said...

Wow! That's crazy that a dream you had when you were so young has affected you in such a way throughout your life! It's even crazier to me that the doctor could draw such a direct line like that! Psychology is really fascinating!

I'm glad that the process has helped you!

petoskystone said...

So glad to hear that you have found the hope & help that you need. A fascinating idea, that a predisposition is needed for PTSD to take hold. This requires further research.