I noticed this morning that I haven't remembered any dreams the last two days. I realized that I stopped taking the Vitamin B. I am getting more and more convinced that Vitamin B aids in dream recall.
Nothing New
There is nothing really new in my state of mind. I remain rabidly depressed. Though, from time to time, I am succeeding in breaking through into a good mood that lasts several hours. I am still staying away from magick.
3 comments:
(pt1) Robert, forgive the length of my response. I hope that my own account of a similar ordeal may be of some help and assistance to you during this painful chapter of your path and I have divided it into two comments due to blogger's comment length restrictions. I entered a period in my life similar to what you are describing. It was absolutely hellish as I felt like I was losing my mind. I was profoundly depressed, becoming ever more frightened in compounding ways and the longer it went on the more scared I became. Finally, I adopted the belief that I was entering the threshold symptoms of onset schizophrenia. While I was in that darkness, and as the darkness kept getting ever thicker, I noticed that communing with, and listening to, the deepest recesses of my own self had come to feel like an alien practice, which meant that I was becoming afraid of my self, my own being. That kind of self-fear attracts bad things, and thus I became very paranoid and alienated in my internal hell. In a way I had truly crossed myself. Many weird, morbid and downright sinister synchronicities fell into my lap that agitated these feelings every other day. I would have considered killing myself, but I was even more afraid of being stuck in an astral version of that shit eternally and knew that suicide was anything but an escape. I had to solve the problems ASAP by confronting my own self-alienation and by listening to my deepest inner senses of right to find the solution. I turned my sight towards the Source, God, etc. (it doesn't matter what you call the Self-aware All-Loving Ultimate Reality). Granted, I didn't consider myself an active Christian at the time, but I was raised that way and more than happy to pray to Jesus in this circumstance, and so I did. Things started changing instantaneously as I allowed a change to take place, a connection to be forged between my self and the truth of being. I began to confront my fears with the knowledge of truth that is necessarily accessed listening to one's own inner essence. By applying that truth to the shadows and delusions my my fear had fed and that had grown to feed on me, I began to take responsibility for and control over what I had allowed my sphere to become.
(pt. 2) Changing it actively on an internal, soul-felt level, resulted in the world around me changing, and my life entered a new chapter of fertility, relationships began to flourish again and scary synchronicities stopped as I began to take pride in being the best manager of my own soul I could. I had come to a point at the time of crying out to God for deliverance where I believed I was not cut out for magic and the trial inherent therein, so I opted to give it up for the rest of my life. I was simply being completely honest with myself by admitting that magic was not my path, yet after a year's time I had become an entirely different person, a man in tune with his spiritual center. Then, and only after sacrificing what I first considered magic to be, in relation to my own being, could magic be recognized clear of all misconceptions. I knew with the same conviction that led me out of hell the year before that magic truly was my path and that I was truly equipped, at last, to tread it. I know my experience is vastly different from your own, but darkness is darkness and it can be very frightening (until you comprehend True Light!(. I want you to know that Truth will set you free. It is critical in times like what you are going through to sacrifice any and all distractions in order to hear it and know it. Discover Truth by listening for it, seeking it from the crux of your being and you will survive this ordeal having obtained great wisdom through it; a pearl of great price. Remember to take care of your Self first. Listen to your Self and do what you know is right for your Self. God makes a garden but he doesn't do the gardening; that is your task, so do what is necessary to overcome and resolve this, whatever this is and however that may be. God is closer to you than your own blood; that is a mystery of Self. For me, that chapter of my path was the greatest initiatory experience I ever had. I was destroyed and reborn, and through it taught true courage, the ability to be honest with and laugh at my Self with God. No magical book outside of yourself contains the keys out of these dungeon-like byways; the way out is through your Self. Do whatever you have to to find it and you will be stronger through it and able to face anything on your path afterward. I wish the you best, Robert. -Adam
Thank you. I pretty much feel incapable of managing my own soul at this point. I am only capable of walking away from various things and people, which is a good in some ways, very good. In other ways, not so good at all.
Most others tell me to do nothing. To wait. I am not seeing much value in any approach.
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