The following post covers three topics as they occurred. First is a report of the fallout of my Stavish Purification mediation last night. Then my house renovations, which includes a reflection of that fall out. Finally, tonight's Stavish purification meditation.
Stavish Meditation Fallout:
As reported, I did the Stavish meditation last night. Later, I could not sleep as my issues with my old coven flaired up along with some other issues since. What a mix! I didn't sleep until 2:30 AM. I even fired off an email to my mentor about those issues. I haven't done that in six months. My old obsessions and need to express them are gone, thanks to some goetic work. That doesn't mean my point of view has changed. However, I may have received a clue. Part of my issue is that no one has admitted the slightest of wrong doing. My HGA told me that they are fully aware of the damage done, regret it but are unable to apologize. I should forgive them for that last weakness. As a person that has apologized for my part in things as I see it, I find it unfathomable that others can not do the same. Yes, it is hard but occultist should be used to hard. Maybe, I am simply not a good enough human being to accept other's weaknesses especially after being publicly humiliated for having weaknesses of my own by these folks. I shall try. Frankly, I don't think I have it in me.
My HGA also told me that my issues with this will not go away no matter what. The neural pathways are burnt and seeking things to change is akin to an amputee wanting the limb to grow back. I doubt this message. I reject messages of unavoidable doom as much as I reject those of ego. I shall persevere.
The prior owners were interesting folks. When I bought this place the real estate market was in the early part of the boom. I placed bids on seven houses. Seven times someone came in with cash and I didn't get my place of choice. When I placed a bid on this house, their agent said that he'd hand the bid over in twenty-four hours. My agent told him that she keeps getting the same response and I've lost to cash offers. He was unmoved but mentioned it to the owners as he presented a cash offer and my own. They accepted my offer out of compassion. It was very kind of them. Both of them were employed by one of the most conservative churches in town. I have no doubt they'd have second thoughts if they knew of all the occult activity that has taken place here since.
When we pulled off the kitchen linoleum we found that had set it down using a thin layer of concrete over the last bit of linoleum. Fortunately, that did not prove to be a problem. The tile was laid right over it. The problem was the entry way tile. This stuff was half an inch thick and they used half an inch of Thin Set (tile adhesive) mixed with something else. What the other component was is any one's guess. The first whack with a SLEDGE HAMMER did NOTHING. Twenty whacks later, shrapnel flew about the place. One tile had been damaged.
Enter the jack hammer.
Three to four hours later the demolition was complete. Twenty four hours later, the tile is in and looking wonderful. However, my entire house is coated with dust. The dust is so thick that after dusting I find myself needing to dust again. This is going to be a long cycle of doing all the laundry multiple times and dusting the house over and over. I have four hundred books in my library. I have no desire to dust them once, much less over and over.
The above Stavish related melt down above was reflected physically today. A light bulb in my office melted nearly causing a fire. It would have had I not been in the room, saw the smoke and turned off the light. I'm not saying those issues make me fiery but an instrument that produces light was destroyed by fire. If I continue the metaphor, my home was saved because I was present. Therefore, I must remain present in the moment to continue the work or I will melt down and the light will die.
Did I mention the place is looking great? Tomorrow the grouting will be complete and my tiling done! In a few weeks, I will have bamboo floors. in the living room and down the hallways. Once done, I will likely start on the guest bathroom. I've caught the bug. Sooner or later, my financially conservative side will kick up and work will stop. I am amazed it hasn't already.
Today's Stavish meditation was difficult because I was tired. The issues that came up had to do with social things in school as a kid. I can see how those are related to how I feel about my former group. The Pan voice kicked in and once again tried the following tactics:
1. He never approved of the coven activities concerning me but let them happen for a greater good.
2. He wants me now and is willing to compel me into service or is willing to make a deal.
I moved past Pan as he isn't the point of the meditation. I 'ejected' some of the baggage but had a hard time filling myself with light.
As a side note, I've been burning up hot the last week or so. I feel like I am having menopausal hot flashes from time to time. I am really really burning up as I type this.