When in Doubt, Ask

So due to a recent series of life blows, I have been more than a bit sad. It was bad enough that I was, and maybe still am, considering completely walking away from magick. I am tired of repeating cycles even if each gets more subtle. I'm tired of the personal destruction within me causes by the theurgic nature of my work. I am tired of seeing this play out in others. I am TIRED.

This is not a petty crisis or temper tantrum. It is the real deal. It is also exacerbated by two weeks of pain medication and isolation due to my back going so far south that I found a penguin on my ass.

So, tonight I went to the Golden Dawn Egregore. I feel that sharing how I get there is oath bound even though getting there was something I was never directly taught. So, I cannot share visuals nor anything about anything except for what I learned that applied to me and only applied to me.

Apparently, I am so used to seeing life patterns that I am seeing patterns that are not there. There is something going on but not what I thought. In fact, it isn't even close. What is really going on is being withheld by that particular source. Some things, this part of me needs to figure out first. I have my own sources and they still treat me like me mentor! Remind me to bitch slap him later for setting precedent!

Secondly, despite being told recently to the contrary, I am making genuine contact with my meditations. Dufus me didn't bother to ask, "Contact with what?" Bonehead. I was 'instructed' to meditate for a minimum of ten minutes immediately after waking up and ten minutes each evening before I get tired. I can meditate as long as I want but I have to stay put for the length I set my timer too, even if I am having a hard time.

Thirdly, I was told that I can use my Greek work to follow through with a goal. That didn't seem right to me. Why would the GD Egregore be talking to me about that? The answer was because I work that system with the same attitude as I do GD. So, it falls under the "broader umbrella". I find that quite interesting. I wonder if my partners fall under that umbrella too? Beats me.

The life goal involves me getting out of my current job, which I dislike intensely. I have an oddball way of doing it that apparently can be accomplished magickally. If this works out, I will not be living in Fresno anymore or will allow extensive travel. It contains an element of freedom.

I have been seeing a blazing white cross within my body when I meditate. Tonight's trip to the egregore was no different. Above the cross is an upward triangle at my forhead. The cross is huge the triangle small but the correlation with the symbol for alchemical sulphur is obvious. I asked about this and was told to research alchemical sulphur. This evening I have been and I keep coming up with this phrase, Soul or individualized essence. I am not going to wax poetic on what I think that means.

Lastly, I am constantly amazed how quickly the universe response with mundane result when you ask the right questions. I know that is vague and I'm sorry about that. Some things are just not bloggable but since I use this as a mini-diary, I have to record these little things in a manner that I will understand.

(too tired to proof read, my apologies for any disasters)