As I took my morning shower today, I noticed something for the umpteenth time. My thoughts are of a better nature. They are not negative. I do not rail internally about this or that item in the past. I do not think of those I politically disagree with. I am not in some mental sewer. There is an internal peace. I thought it would make a good blog topic. I congratulated myself as this mode of thought is much more pleasant than my past internal dialogue.
As soon as I did, I flashed hard into that old obsession!* I mean hard. It didn't take me long to get the message and laugh at myself. This mimicked my frustration issues. They are simply flashes now and don't hang on long term. This is better, much better but, it is not the end game. Today, I saw a clue to that end game.
I have been working on being in the now. I find it is relatively easy to do for a while. Today, at a meeting, I was in the now and calm. I know the people I was with. I was not stressed. There was no reason to be stressed. Yet, I felt tons of energy in my aura. I mean tons. It was as if my aura drank three cups of coffee. My physical body though was calm. There were no nervous jitters. This perspective is coming from the fact that I am paying attention to my body more and more. I am getting to know it in a way that I never knew my body before. So, I can tell the difference between my physical body and my subtle bodies.
So where did all that energy come from? Is this from doing so many middle pillar exercises over the years? I don't know. What I do know is that this energy was fire. This was a furnace with the door closed. As soon as someone opens that door, heat rushes out. The thing that opens that door is frustration.
Perhaps not being frustrated isn't the answer. Who doesn't get frustrated? Perhaps the expression isn't the problem either. So many express it at work in various ways. Perhaps the problem is the internal fire. Creative fire is fine but if I expressed this even creatively I would be a manic nut-case.
I am going to try something. One of my Greek Magick partners asked me to do an invocation of an elemental angel for her. She wants to experience the angel like we do the gods. Wolf mentioned that in comments to the Invocation and Evocation post. I am going to try that for myself but with an angel of water.
I am currently reading Ram Dass Be Here Now. This appears to be a combination of Christopher Hyatt's Undoing Yourself, Buddhist teachings and articulated moments of enlightenment. I am stunned how the process described can so easily be reconciled with Golden Dawn elemental work. I like the book but it is about to get challenging. More about that in a future post.
I am slowly evolving a personal mantra of the moment. It is based on qabalistic ontology. My editor is trying to get me not to tease my readers so much. I really don't mean to most of the time. However, in this case, that mantra is way too personal to share here.
Edit: I tried that mantra tonight. I made it 1/3 of the way through my mala. The sensations were so intense that I could not continue. There were few distractions, no astral visions, no phantoms. I have no real description of the sensation except that I felt an influx of such intense energy that I couldn't process it. I guess the best description would be the wave that precedes an orbiter as it reenters the atmosphere.