A few nights back, I dreamed of being shown a video tape of my life. The person showing me the tape is someone I have had a difficult relationship with for many many years. She has some good reason for that but mostly her behavior has been problematic. The very fact I was being shown the tape made my dream-self cringe. I never actually saw the tape. I didn't need to. I simply know my past.
The next night, I dreamed of my father. The location was coastal. The dream started suddenly. I had astral traveled to the place I am sure but once there, I was not so lucid. I appeared in his car. I immediately cried and said, "I don't know what to say." He replied that there was nothing to say. We were in a touristy picnic area. We drove around trying to find a place to park. I am pretty sure it was him driving. Yet, the part of me that remembers him as the blind guy cannot fathom that. Eventually we parked. The picnic area was crowded and hard to find a place to sit.
We talked. About what I never could recall. I have the feeling the place I visited was where his conscious self resides for now. He has built his own parking place so to speak. If so, I approve. I'd like to live on the coast too.
The other part of the dream was most enlightening. I was played a film from an honest to goodness movie projector.* It was black and white. It showed my father in high school. He was standing with a group of boys like you would for a class picture. The teacher, who was off camera, asked if everyone could gather later that evening. My dad replied, "No because I have to..." He was cut off by the teacher. He felt awkward and embarrassed.
Seeing my father awkward and embarrassed makes as much sense to my brain as seeing the Pope in a bear suit. The shock of that told me he was human. He made mistakes just as I had. He suffered from insecurities in his life. This is something you know but not necessarily know at a deep level. Especially, when you have as much respect for your father as I do. I didn't realize it but I had internalized my father as always being the man I knew and not having many real problems.
At some level, I believe this new information allowed me to accept my own imperfection. This in turn allowed me to accept the perfection of everything.
Fallout of the Perfection Meditation
Since my meditative experience that lead to this idea of perfection, which I cannot shake out of my head and I do not want to shake out of my head, I have changed. I have had a chance to argue on Facebook several times but simply did not comment. Me not commenting is as strange Barrack Obama in a tutu. Secondly, I have found ways to express compassion to people. Lastly, I am quickly becoming a vegetarian. I have never been one. I have never wanted to be one. Suddenly, my diet has changed from crap to mostly rice, vegetables and fruit. The food isn't bad. I used to think I was eating crap because it was comforting. Now, I realize this new food is so much more comforting, especially to my physical body. It will be interesting to see if this lasts.
* I noticed that I was shown a VHS tape the technology of my young adulthood. His life was on movie film. I wonder if my niece or nephew had a dream of themselves of this type, if they would see it as a dvd or computer file image.