Water Water

Just after writing the last post, I did an LIRP using water invoking pentagrams and the sign of the eagle in each quarter. I welcomed each quarter by welcoming the combined element, water of air, water of fire, water of water and water of earth. When the archangels appeared, they demonstrated that they brought their watery element. Raphael (Air) offered a cup. Michael (fire) offered steamy water like from a hot spring. Gabriel (Water) flooded the temple space. Uriel (earth) was a bit different. The only way I can describe that was earth that moved. This was not mud.

I then vibrated the God Name, Archangel Name and Angelic Choir as appropriate for the following sephiroth. I also used an appropriate but similar prayer for each name vibrated.

For Binah, I vibrated each name three times because three is the number associated with that sphere. After each name I said, "Please align my emotional bodies in their proper and healthy form that my back no longer hurts."

For Chesed, four vibrations of the names, "Please expand my emotional capabilities that all my emotional bodies align in a healthy way that my back no longer hurts."

For Hod, eight vibrations, "Please help me have a healthy intellect that deals with emotions properly that my back no longer hurts."

For Malkuth, "Please manifest a reality where my emotional bodies are aligned in a healthy way that my back no longer hurts." There was a much more emotional and prayerful attitude here. I think because Sandalphon, the angel of Malkuth, is very closely associated with prayer.

Each prayer was inspired at the moment.

I then vibrated the same type of names that are specifically associated with the element of water, not the sephiro. I started off to ten vibrations but I kept getting cut off at five. It dawned on me that five is the number of the elements.

When I reached the angel of water, it appeared as a strong voice in my head. It told me that I had finally asked the right question but angels work slower than I might expect. It went on to say that I should depart the temple and Be. I am not to aspire to be more (degrading). I should not endeavor to be less (stoop not down into that darkly splendid world wherein lay a faithless depth and Hades wrapped in gloom). I should simply be who I am right now. Further, it said that I could call upon it during any emotional time to help me balance things out.

Two side notes:

1.  As I write this, I realize this may temper my, at times, volcanic communication style and frustrations. Though it has improved by leaps and bounds, the issue is not fully resolved.

2. I realized in meeting the angel of water that the LBRP can be done with the Elemental triplicity of names instead of the standard names of just the archangels. I will do that in the future.

That said, if you're new, please don't do this. They LBRP is taught as it is for a reason. Once you know that reason, you can play with it. I think I've done fifteen or twenty variations over my career. That doesn't mean the standard LBRP is not effective. It means different effects can be gained using it in different ways. Know the first effect first. Knowing doesn't mean you've been told. It doesn't mean you read it in a book. It means you've done so many of them that you instinctually know.

Am I Pregnant?

I have been talking about my current emotional state with some close female friends. They have not had any cross conversations about the issue. I know this because while everyone has met, they do not engage socially very often. All of them have made the same analogy. "You are pregnant!" "It sounds like what women go through just before giving birth." "Could you be pregnant?"

Long time readers know that if I hear the same thing from three people that haven't talked to each other, I listen. I take that as a sign the Universe is talking to me.

Given my stage of development, I can see how a rosy outlook could make this analogy stick. I simply do not have a rosy outlook at the moment.

Emotions

My back has been a total mess of late which means I am back on medications. A half-smart chimp knows that medications can enhance depression. However, why is my back messed up? Part of it is a physical thing I know I did but folks have long held that my back issues are emotional as well. So, I have an answer to those statements...FUCK THAT.

So, I am going to do some work with water to see if I can handle emotions differently.  Water appears on the tree of life in Binah, Chesed, Hod and Malkuth. Yes, I am not dealing with the various paths in that statement. I am going to call on the angels of those sephiroth and ask them to align my emotional bodies in a healthy manner so they do not manifest as a physical problem. The only thing I have to lose is my sanity. Sanity is overrated anyway.

Tip for Young Occultists

I really value my female friends in the work that I do. At my age, they all have wisdom. If any male occultist doesn't have female friends and by friends I mean friends, not lovers, he is missing out on a ton of great insight and information.

As a  young person, wisdom is hard to find within your age group. This is not a slam on young people. It is just that as a rule and on average wisdom comes to those that have made mistakes and seen the mistakes of others. Most young people haven't had that life experience yet. So, either gender should find some older people to talk to. Believe it or not, they have been where you are. They understand more than you think they do. Males should definitely find females for this. Though, I am in no way saying to avoid men. I am just saying that females see things from a different perspective.

It is my guess that the opposite could be true for young women. However, I have not been a young woman in this life. So, it hard for me to make that judgment.

Malaise

I've worked at this stuff for many years. I've never tried to be scholar. I've simply tried to do the work. The watchword I was trained with was, "I seek to learn that I may serve." I have worked to help people over the years. I've done everything from teaching public and private classes, to individual counseling  and magick.

I've cured a few headaches. My Gal gives me credit for helping to keep her alive but so many magicians worked on that, I can take no credit for that. Those that I have seen grow over the years have done so on their own efforts. Those that have failed have simply succumb to their own fears and issues. That formula is obvious. Yes, experienced folks can point things out from time to time but success or failure depends on the other. They choose to succeed or fail. It is as simple as that.

I feel like I haven't helped. Not for a lack of effort but that helping is overrated and not all that possible, except in minor increments.

A lot of GD work is around personal spiritual growth. I feel I have grown a lot, even though the universe reminds me of past errors at an alarming rate. I am not the same guy. I am a better magician.

I feel like it doesn't matter.

My most exciting work of late has been with meditation. Most of the time I like it. It may make life interesting for a while. I may learn something.

I feel like everything else I have learned, it won't really matter.

Two Tidbits

Yesterday, during a private tarot class, I was asked to do a couple of readings as an example of a technique I was teaching. During these readings, I advised the person to find prayers from Biblical quotations that fit what she was trying to do. The odd part is that the advice flowed freely with no qualms on my part.

I have been meditating using a variety of mantras and the Manifestation Meditation. Within these meditations, I am observing some more than visual effects. Sometimes, I just see modern scenes, a car driving down a suburban street, a strip mall or building. Other times, I see from within the building. Then, I encounter scenarios. These are small interactions between humans. I am not sure what is being said or what information is being communicated but it feels very important and very real. Most of the time, I am being spoken to and I reply but I do not really know what is being said. I am sure the other me is fully aware. I am unsure what causes this effect but it is certainly an odd sensation.

When in Doubt, Ask

So due to a recent series of life blows, I have been more than a bit sad. It was bad enough that I was, and maybe still am, considering completely walking away from magick. I am tired of repeating cycles even if each gets more subtle. I'm tired of the personal destruction within me causes by the theurgic nature of my work. I am tired of seeing this play out in others. I am TIRED.

This is not a petty crisis or temper tantrum. It is the real deal. It is also exacerbated by two weeks of pain medication and isolation due to my back going so far south that I found a penguin on my ass.

So, tonight I went to the Golden Dawn Egregore. I feel that sharing how I get there is oath bound even though getting there was something I was never directly taught. So, I cannot share visuals nor anything about anything except for what I learned that applied to me and only applied to me.

Apparently, I am so used to seeing life patterns that I am seeing patterns that are not there. There is something going on but not what I thought. In fact, it isn't even close. What is really going on is being withheld by that particular source. Some things, this part of me needs to figure out first. I have my own sources and they still treat me like me mentor! Remind me to bitch slap him later for setting precedent!

Secondly, despite being told recently to the contrary, I am making genuine contact with my meditations. Dufus me didn't bother to ask, "Contact with what?" Bonehead. I was 'instructed' to meditate for a minimum of ten minutes immediately after waking up and ten minutes each evening before I get tired. I can meditate as long as I want but I have to stay put for the length I set my timer too, even if I am having a hard time.

Thirdly, I was told that I can use my Greek work to follow through with a goal. That didn't seem right to me. Why would the GD Egregore be talking to me about that? The answer was because I work that system with the same attitude as I do GD. So, it falls under the "broader umbrella". I find that quite interesting. I wonder if my partners fall under that umbrella too? Beats me.

The life goal involves me getting out of my current job, which I dislike intensely. I have an oddball way of doing it that apparently can be accomplished magickally. If this works out, I will not be living in Fresno anymore or will allow extensive travel. It contains an element of freedom.

I have been seeing a blazing white cross within my body when I meditate. Tonight's trip to the egregore was no different. Above the cross is an upward triangle at my forhead. The cross is huge the triangle small but the correlation with the symbol for alchemical sulphur is obvious. I asked about this and was told to research alchemical sulphur. This evening I have been and I keep coming up with this phrase, Soul or individualized essence. I am not going to wax poetic on what I think that means.

Lastly, I am constantly amazed how quickly the universe response with mundane result when you ask the right questions. I know that is vague and I'm sorry about that. Some things are just not bloggable but since I use this as a mini-diary, I have to record these little things in a manner that I will understand.

(too tired to proof read, my apologies for any disasters)

Taking the Lord's Name in Vain

My friend Bert and I discussing various spiritual topics the other day. He mentioned the Ten Commandments. I mentioned "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord your god in vain," because it has a weird context for me.

I am not a mechanical guy. You can teach me how to build something and I will know. However, that doesn't always translate to my hands being able to do that sort of work. Oddly, the exception is magickal tools.

So, sometimes I get frustrated with mechanical work. For instance, if I am trying to get screw into a hole that has difficult access and I keep dropping the screw as I twist my body into some odd position, I may get irritated and say, "God damn it! Get in there!" Poof. The screw is in the hole and finishing the job is easy. This is not a one off thing. I cannot do it on purpose but it happens 95% of the time I get frustrated enough to say that. It freaks me out just a bit.

I wondered what is happening. Am I damning physics? Am I damning my inability thus making it an ability? I simply do not know.

Bert made the statement that this does not apply to taking the Lord's name in vain. Bert, as a former Catholic, told the story of a priest who uttered the same words in front of him. When Bert asked the priest he said it isn't a violation but a curse. Taking the Lord's name in vain means to utter it in a useless or vain manner. The latter meaning to flatter the ego.

As I often advise those I teach, it is best to look up the words you will use in a spell or frequently use to describe whatever magickal or spiritual event or perspective you may have. The reason for this is that we often use words repeatedly thinking of a primary meaning but other meanings still apply. These have a nasty habit of biting you in the ass, especially with spell work. I followed my own advice and looked up vain on dictionary.com. Here is what I found.

1.

excessively proud of or concerned about one's ownappearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited: a vaindandy.

2.

proceeding from or showing personal vanity: vain remarks.

3.

ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile: a vain effort.

4.

without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless: vain pageantry; vain display.

Obviously, this confirms the priests advice. It also occurred to me that I know of many that speak for God. I wonder how they feel about this topic?

Meditation Notes

I realized that my manta, the divine unfolds before me and within me, is harder to do indoors. Somehow from that thought, I decided to use that meditation tonight. 

Several things occurred:

• I kept dropping into dream state. Each 'dream' while short-lived had a message. One of which, resolved an inner conflict I had with a famous current occultist. Other dreams, were packed full of meaning but I did not understand.
• My entire head felt as if even neuron was firing at once. This feeling extended to my face.
• I experienced a great deal of stimulation to my throat chakra and eventually saw a five petaled flower of death. This image can be seen on the flag of the Rider-Waite Death card. I take this to mean a radical change is underway internal to myself.
• Lastly, when I felt that pull to rise astrally, I deliberately felt love of the divine rather than let me body fear. While it was no more effective, it felt so much better. 

Tangible Progress

During my morning bagel and coffee, I read a chapter of Journey of Awakening. This section was on mantras. In contemplating Dass' words, I came up with a mantra for daily life. This is something my brain can go to as a default during everyday tasks. The divine continuously unfolds before me and within me. I recited this as I drove to my next stop.

I realized that the reason government and big business bureaucracy can be so stifling is because of the sheer numbers of people or business within the process. The same reasons exist for traffic lights. When there were only two cars in New York State traffic lights were not necessary. The more traffic the more stop lights. It keeps us from crashing into each other. Bureaucracies work the same way. The volume of business done requires a controlled flow of traffic. That control frustrates us in some paper version of road rage. Now, what does that have to do with this blog?

Today, I arrived at a car wash to redeem a coupon for a free wash I was given during an oil change. I arrived at 8:30 AM only to find they didn't open until nine o'clock. I sat in my car and used the mala for the Manifestation Meditation. On the second iteration, I saw the blue man again.

I have been pondering as to what exactly the blue man is. Is he my representation of my Neschemah? Is he a spirit of some kind? Is he some sort of crazy product mascot for the next household cleanser?

This time, I immediately thought Laughing Buddha. The figure smiled and starting laughing. Immediately, a shit eating grin appeared on my face. I felt like I did when I was a teenager getting stoned. I did not get any further with the mantra before they tapped on my window to get the line moving.

As I stood around waiting for my car to be done, I ran through the The divine continuously unfolds before me and within me mantra. The car wash is really an industrial and efficient operation. The long time local business has a formula that works. So, I observed the layout of the facility and its extension to the oil change area. I saw personal work stations. Again, they were organized. I realized how humans tend toward organization. We seem to need it. The divine continuously unfolds before me and within me...does that mean organization is divine? Cleanliness is next to godliness?

These are not great revelations. They are only important because they arrived from a new perspective. The important part is this:

Do you that feeling when you put your hand over a charged object and you get a sense of something holy? I felt that feeling come from within me today. It radiated from my heart. It was nice.

A Man, a Meditation and a Mala

I performed the Manifestation Meditation this morning. I probably only ran through the mantra ten times at most as it continues to be refined. I have stopped asking Hermes to intervene and form the communication at this point. I have that part. The rest is making it deeper and permanent.

During the mantra portion, I saw the image of the blue man again from yesterday's post. It sat within me. This time, he was totally a deep blue color. I did not see my body as a patchwork of different colors and materials like yesterday.

At some point, I stopped the mantra and just aspired to my Neschemah. It did not take long before I was in some sort of ecstasy state. The meditation had more focus then I thought myself capable. The state was one of observation while a peaceful nothingness entered me. My vision was of very soft whitish light hitting me in waves. I simply observed.

Then, my right hand began to shake violently tossing my mala about. I am not sure how long this lasted but it seemed to be quite a long time. During this I heard the following. I can't say it is an exact quote but I think it close.

You have aspired to me a long time. You seek to connect to me but you have always been connected. As you have persisted along your spiritual path, that was me. As you aspired, that was me. Every tine you inspire someone or speak a truth, that is me. When you fail that is you responding to my pulse to instruct you. 

Your mala is a holy object. You can bless people with it by touching them [with intent].

I was also instructed to maintain my new eating habits. I was reminded by whatever I was talking to that my  HGA's instructions on food from so long ago were manifesting. I do remember him telling me that my diet impacted me much more than I knew. I am sure that is documented within these pages somewhere.

As the shaking ceased my mala was wrapped around my wrist and hand. I received instruction to wear it wrapped around my wrist so that the final loop stretches across the palm of my hand and loops around my ring finger. Obviously, this is impractical for household chores and other mundane tasks but not for typing. It doesn't seem to interfere. The image of a blue hand with the mala wrapped around it in this manner will become the symbol of this space. I have contacted an artist friend to see if she will do the drawing for me.

This Space

I have changed the header and the About Robert page. The latter was changed a few days ago. I just added the bit about the Holy Idiot today.

Ego

The ego flash in the meditation came as the idea of writing an autobiography. As I write this I remember reaching the conclusion recently that ego flashes of this nature should be considered for the underlying truth they represent. I am not sure I have an answer for that yet.

Edit:

It is amazing how quickly what is sure in the moment deteriorates in normal consciousness. Is it a mala capable of blessing or my mala?

Something Odd This Way Comes

11:46 A.M.

I was reading Jack Faust's post on Faust here when a word triggered something. The word or words came in the following, "I came into possession of a few books that detailed both the legendary Faust (1540 onward), and the historical Faust (1507-1530 or so)"

I asked myself the question regarding the historical Faust and the legendary, "What is the difference?" This is not a factual question answered by biography and myth, it is ontological. My mind spun out. I feel that something at the soul level. I don't know what but it is blue and extends from from my hip to the lower edge of my heart. At first it was a smear of blue and it is now becoming gradually more linear. Here, I feel as if I am going a bit crazy. Yet I do not fear this. I do not reject it. I am a witness.

It may be the cup of coffee I drank as caffiene is different in a vegetarian body that is not overeating. It may be that I am constructing a goetic seal. It may be the Manifestation Meditation. I do not know.

11:57 A.M.

From elbows to fingertips, I am green.

12:00 P.M.

My head is bald and blue, including the face. There is a wreath of ivy or some other flowing plant. My lips are red and so are the eye lids just where they meet the eyeball.

My feet and shins are reddish iron. I am beginning to observe an occult image of Nebuchadnezzar that has been genetically spliced into Dionysus.

12:56 P.M.

There is so much suffering in the world. So much pain. Why? Why does suffering seem the universal precursor to enlightenment? Pleasure and pain are the same. They are both sensations of body and mind. Without body and mind they do not exist. Predators, hunters. This is life. They bring fear. What is the difference between fear and rapture (ecstasy)? Nothing, they are the same. Without body and mind and ego they do not exist. Without body and mind and ego, what is left? The soul. The master does not fear the predator for he knows that the predator will only strike at the appropriate time. Fear is the last thing released after death, as mind and ego circulate in the after. Without fear and ego what is left? The soul. What is the soul? God. There is only God. Focus on God in all things for God is all things.

1:10 P.M.

I feel like my entire body chemistry is changing. The vegetarian diet seems to have a detoxing effect on my body. I smell different. I need more frequent showers.

I feel like I am on drugs but I am sober.

1:15 P.M.

I smelled the blue spot on my left side. It smelled of fresh water - nature. I see the sun radiant, rising over the mountain tops from my vantage point before a lake.

1:20 P.M.

Everyone is God. Names mean nothing. Everyone is Deus. Every meeting is a new encounter with God.

1:23 P.M.

I see the Tree of LIfe, beautiful spheres of gold delineating the parts of the soul. As the images coalesce, electricity runs through me from the feet up. An image of light radiates through the Tree I see corresponding to what I feel.

1:27 P.M.

I see a blue planet or orb. It radiates a softer blue light in countless curving beams. I need to pee.

1:30 P.M.

Probably ten minutes ago, I saw an image of Jesus. I examined my back pain. Jesus said that the pain can be healed when I understand that everything is God. When I got up to pee, my back stopped hurting. I can feel some little pain now. I does not matter. It too is God.

1:38 P.M.

Of late, I've been tempted to use the name Holy Idiot within this space and I am reminded how close that is to the first name I had here: Frater Bonehead

1:42 P.M.

About twenty minutes ago, I realized with a shock that I had missed an important doctor important this morning.

1:56 P.M.

I seem to be reaching the conclusion that I am seeing a reflection of how my Greater Neschemah sees Creation. Deus.   You are Deus.

2:22 P.M.

Wow, what a ride. I am still buzzing but feel like I am waking up. If this starts back up, I will start another time stamped post.

The Simple Joy of Following the Way

Sometimes my spiritual life treats me to a simple joy. One such joy is reaching a conclusion and finding that others on the esoteric path have found the same truth. When I teach tarot, one of the things I mention is that you are not  your thoughts. People so often mistake their thoughts and personality for their souls that they just cannot grasp this simple concept. Most folks look at me as if a live chicken just emerged from my mouth. Today, I read Ram Dass's Journey of Awakening. Within, I found a quoted passage from Drampopa's The Jewel Ornament of Liberation. This work from the 11th century is viewed as a masterpiece of Tibetan Buddhism. His work says the exact same thing.

Manifestation Meditation

I keep working on my Manifestation Meditation.

New thoughts are emerging. For instance, yesteday, I was overwhelmed with a sense of honor. I cleaned my kitchen and honored the mess before I cleaned it up. I sat at my laptop and honored it for allowing me to communicate. If you knocked on my door, I would have greeted you with a slight bow. It simply seemed the right thing to do.

I received an emotional blow not long ago, withing twenty-four hours acceptance had mostly won the day. Things that would normally make me angry or insecure didn't impact me that way. There were brief flashes of old Robert but they felt wrong, out of place.

The Reflections Just Keep Coming

For reasons I cannot explain, I watched The Trial of Billy Jack on Netflix yesterday. For those of you that are too young to remember, Billy Jack was an early 70's film franchise. These were very liberal films about fighting the corrupt establishment. This film was fictionalized account made to mimic the tragedies at Kent State and other such horrors.

I was shocked to see the spiritual journey of Billy Jack to be a subplot. More so, I was stunned to see Billy Jack wearing what appeared to be Golden Dawn sash (minus the merit badges) as we went on his journey. The spiritual journey wasn't fully like a Golden Dawn view of things but there were elements that reflect what I am going through now. It is amazing how the universe can reflect yourself right back at you.

Meditation Mantra

I have mentioned previously that I have been doing a meditation using a personal mantra. The mantra uses qabalistic ontology to facilitate the the manifestation of the immortal aspect of the soul, Greater Neschemah, in this life. This is hard. It should be easy. After all, we are never 'unconnected' to our souls we are just unaware.

I have a mala containing 108 beads. I can meditate using other mantras using all 108 beads. This is easy. Using the Manifestation Mantra, I have only made it through 20 beads at most. The impact has been huge. I have the ambition to continue. My mind does not travel to unhealthy places. My emotions are of peace. I have been racked with back pain. Yet, my mind is at peace, even with the pain medications which normally carry a depressive quality to them. Unhealthy thoughts are easily dismissed. My food intake has been much improved. My body loves the new food.

I am still a cranky ass and get frustrated I am sure but I haven't been tested of late.

I have been doing this exercise at night just before retiring. This must change. The energy levels get so intense that I cannot sleep. I am going to make the effort to do this at rising. I can rest assured that it won't take long as twenty beads do not take much time. It may take longer as I grow into the practice.

Pagan Weddings in California

This post is a little off topic for me but from time to time, I highlight someone who provides goods or services to the Pagan community that I feel are of value.

Today's post is about Chris Geiger. Chris is not a religious man. I am pretty sure he had never knowingly met a pagan before he was contacted by my good friends to photograph their wedding. When we met for lunch, he had no idea how a pagan wedding would differ from a conventional event. Then again the theme, steampunk meets Alice in Wonderland may have given him a clue. We immediately started joking with him about how the new guy is sacrificed and to wear black as the blood stains don't show as much.  He played right along. I ask you, how many people do you know that had a laughing good time while interviewing and negotiating with a wedding photographer?

The wedding was held out of town. Chris showed up before he was scheduled to arrive. He didn't stand around eating cocktail wienies. He got to work fast. I am not sure how he pulled this off but he was ubiquitous,  unseen and part of the fun. He moved around the circle like he'd been doing it all his life. Chris was never in the way but took great shots. Outside of the ceremony itself, we joked and laughed with him as he worked. He actually made the wedding more fun. I am amazed to say that about a wedding photographer but it is the truth.

The photographs he took were stunning. There are several of the Gentle Soul that I will cherish. Oh, and the wedded couple looked great too! He had the ladies riding broom sticks and on their knees getting scolded by the bride. Chris even had the eldest daughter smiling. A troop of comedians have tried to do the same without success. He had the groom and I sword fight with our canes. I would love to show you the photographs but with pagans it is hard to tell who is in and out of the closet. So, instead I will refer you to his web site.

Chris Gieger works in Central California and will travel from Bakersfield to the Bay Area. He receives three thumbs up rating, which is quite a trick considering I only have two. Obviously, he does more than just pagan weddings. No matter what your religious or non-religious affiliation, I sincerely recommend Chris. His work is outstanding. The fact that he is a nice and fun guy is just a bonus.
http://chrisgeigerphoto.com/

Google Plus Hang Out

I have started a DoingMagick account on Google+. I plan to hang out there and am willing to engage in discussion on magick, spirituality, paganism and the like. Feel free to add Doing Magick to your google+ account. "Doing" is the first name. If  you want to chat, just check and see if I am 'hanging out'.

EDIT: I learned this will likely  not be up for long. Google+ requires users to use their real name for now. I'm not sure I can do that at this point.

Magickal Forms

I had the pleasure of going to the Huntington towards the end of July. There the Gentle Soul (aka my lady friend) encountered Danial Chester French's The Benediction (pictured).  I noticed her left foot forward and arms out. This is close to a magickal posture or form used within Golden Dawn related groups.

Out of nothing but curiosity, I placed my hand under her outstretched hands. I was blown away. There was a bundle of peaceful and holy energy there to be found. The Gentle Soul commented that you could take a little bit of that peace with you.

I wondered if the posture itself really did have power in and of its own. Does the universe resonate that strongly to a physical object in a mystical/magickal posture? Of course, the yogis have told us this but then again, yoga, in the form we know it, has been pretending to be an ancient discipline for about a 100 years now.

I now understand another use for the Golden Dawn sign as one of blessing. Somewhere I think I was taught that but I didn't get it back then.

Not long ago, I purchased a mala. If I am awake, I am wearing it as either a necklace or bracelet. I also use it to pray or say mantras at least twice a day. Last night, I took it off and laid it on the bed. At some point, I rolled over and placed my hand on it. It radiated the most peaceful and loving energy. I immediately thought it was the most holy thing I have ever owned.

Now, I wonder how much the form of it has to do with the energy it is building. Countless Buddhists have used a mala over the centuries. It seems logical to assume the Roman Catholics absorbed it and simply called it a rosary. The form is well established and related to spiritual use.

This may be another area of research that interests me. Can magickal postures be found in how the gods have been sculpted? Can the posture alone be effective for an intended purpose? Perhaps some day, I will research in this area and find out.

(Photo from: http://www.cartermuseum.org/artworks/324)

Enlightenment Through Dreaming

I have been asking for enlightening dreams of late.

A few nights back, I dreamed of being shown a video tape of my life. The person showing me the tape is someone I have had a difficult relationship with for many many years. She has some good reason for that but mostly her behavior has been problematic. The very fact I was being shown the tape made my dream-self cringe. I never actually saw the tape. I didn't need to. I simply know my past.

The next night, I dreamed of my father. The location was coastal. The dream started suddenly. I had astral traveled to the place I am sure but once there, I was not so lucid. I appeared in his car. I immediately cried and said, "I don't know what to say." He replied that there was nothing to say. We were in a touristy picnic area. We drove around trying to find a place to park. I am pretty sure it was him driving. Yet, the part of me that remembers him as the blind guy cannot fathom that. Eventually we parked. The picnic area was crowded and hard to find a place to sit. 

We talked. About what I never could recall. I have the feeling the place I visited was where his conscious self resides for now. He has built his own parking place so to speak. If so, I approve. I'd like to live on the coast too. 

The other part of the dream was most enlightening. I was played a film from an honest to goodness movie projector.* It was black and white. It showed my father in high school. He was standing with a group of boys like you would for a class picture. The teacher, who was off camera, asked if everyone could gather later that evening. My dad replied, "No because I have to..." He was cut off by the teacher. He felt awkward and embarrassed. 

Seeing my father awkward and embarrassed makes as much sense to my brain as seeing the Pope in a bear suit. The shock of that told me he was human. He made mistakes just as I had. He suffered from insecurities in his life. This is something you know but not necessarily know at a deep level. Especially, when you have as much respect for your father as I do. I didn't realize it but I had internalized my father as always being the man I knew and not having many real problems. 

At some level, I believe this new information allowed me to accept my own imperfection. This in turn allowed me to accept the perfection of everything. 

Fallout of the Perfection Meditation

Since my meditative experience that lead to this idea of perfection, which I cannot shake out of my head and I do not want to shake out of my head, I have changed. I have had a chance to argue on Facebook several times but simply did not comment. Me not commenting is as strange Barrack Obama in a tutu. Secondly, I have found ways to express compassion to people. Lastly, I am quickly becoming a vegetarian. I have never been one. I have never wanted to be one. Suddenly, my diet has changed from crap to mostly rice, vegetables and fruit. The food isn't bad. I used to think I was eating crap because it was comforting. Now, I realize this new food is so much more comforting, especially to my physical body. It will be interesting to see if this lasts. 

* I noticed that I was shown a VHS tape the technology of my young adulthood. His life was on movie film. I wonder if my niece or nephew had a dream of themselves of this type, if they would see it as a dvd or computer file image. 

You Are Perfect

You are perfect. Right now. Now. You are perfect.

You were perfect yesterday. Back then. You were perfect.

You will be perfect ten minutes from now. An hour from now. You are perfect.

If humility compels you to protest, that is only the illusion of humanness. Of being told you are bad, wrong and believing it. You never were these things. You cannot be these things.

You are a perfect manifestation of you and YOU. You cannot be anything else.

Your "mistakes" are perfect for they allow the true you to appear before your own eyes, right now, and reveal your future perfection.

The biggest lie, no matter how perfect it is, is that you are imperfect or anyone else is more perfect.

Everyone else is just as perfect as you.

Notes to God

My friend Bert Hansen and I were video chatting using Google+ today. That technology is awesome!

He mentioned that he had a hard time keeping a journal. It was too dry and scientific for him. He came up with a solution that I think is beautiful. It also solves a problem that all theurgists face at one time or another, core honesty.

In theurgic work, everyone becomes an asshole from time to time. They make, what appears to be, poor life decisions. They will treat someone unfairly. They will abuse themselves, which is the same thing. The next stage is denial. There is always a good reason for being a jackass! The reasons are so good that one can even be blind to the fact that one is a jackass! Eventually, theurgists learn, assuming they were ever serious about learning in the first place. Often a big stumbling block is spotting the denial in the first place. The ego plays a lot of tricks.

His solution was to write letters to God or the Gods. Tell them what you are doing and why. Remove the psuedo-scientific claptrap and just explain. It is really hard to write a letter to a god and keep in the parts where your own spirit winces. If you keep them, you know at some level you are lying to the gods. Magicians instinctually know that is not good.

So, theurgists, write letters to the gods. Explain the last bit of magick you did and why. Thank them for helping you. Know they are reading it.

Did you wince at that part about explaining your magick? What does that tell you?

If you, fellow theurgist, find yourself wincing, figure out why before you 'mail' the letter. Once you do, say it OUT LOUD look in a physical mirror as you do it. It doesn't count in your head. The gods spoke the world into existence. You need to speak your falsehood out of existence. It is your job!

Being a Corpse

Today, I did the corpse asana from the Ram Das book. This entails laying on your back and relaxing all your muscles. Yes, this is enlightenment for your average American! Pretty soon, someone will tell us that having gorgeous women feed us grapes will lead to nirvana! Of course, that could be nirvana depending upon your point of view.

Two odd things happened:

The first was that once again I could feel the energies of my subtle body. This is not unlike being submerged in a pool of electricity only without the dying part. I like this feeling.

Secondly, is that I felt my muscles tense in one area and heard a corresponding sound within my brain. By that I mean I heard a sound that did not originate from my ears. The sound was sort of a dampened thrumming. The sound and the contracting muscle may not have been related but it sure appeared to be at the time.

Fire, Water and Random Thoughts

As I took my morning shower today, I noticed something for the umpteenth time. My thoughts are of a better nature. They are not negative. I do not rail internally about this or that item in the past. I do not think of those I politically disagree with. I am not in some mental sewer. There is an internal peace. I thought it would make a good blog topic. I congratulated myself as this mode of thought is much more pleasant than my past internal dialogue.

As soon as I did, I flashed hard into that old obsession!* I mean hard. It didn't take me long to get the message and laugh at myself. This mimicked my frustration issues. They are simply flashes now and don't hang on long term. This is better, much better but, it is not the end game. Today, I saw a clue to that end game.

I have been working on being in the now. I find it is relatively easy to do for a while. Today, at a meeting, I was in the now and calm. I know the people I was with. I was not stressed. There was no reason to be stressed. Yet, I felt tons of energy in my aura. I mean tons. It was as if my aura drank three cups of coffee. My physical body though was calm. There were no nervous jitters.  This perspective is coming from the fact that I am paying attention to my body more and more. I am getting to know it in a way that I never knew my body before. So, I can tell the difference between my physical body and my subtle bodies.

So where did all that energy come from? Is this from doing so many middle pillar exercises over the years? I don't know. What I do know is that this energy was fire. This was a furnace with the door closed. As soon as someone opens that door, heat rushes out. The thing that opens that door is frustration.

Perhaps not being frustrated isn't the answer. Who doesn't get frustrated? Perhaps the expression isn't the problem either. So many express it at work in various ways. Perhaps the problem is the internal fire. Creative fire is fine but if I expressed this even creatively I would be a manic nut-case.

I am going to try something. One of my Greek Magick partners asked me to do an invocation of an elemental angel for her. She wants to experience the angel like we do the gods. Wolf mentioned that in comments to the Invocation and Evocation post. I am going to try that for myself but with an angel of water.

Currently Reading:

I am currently reading Ram Dass Be Here Now. This appears to be a combination of Christopher Hyatt's Undoing Yourself, Buddhist teachings and articulated moments of enlightenment. I am stunned how the process described can so easily be reconciled with Golden Dawn elemental work. I like the book but it is about to get challenging. More about that in a future post.

Mantra:

I am slowly evolving a personal mantra of the moment. It is based on qabalistic ontology. My editor is trying to get me not to tease my readers so much. I really don't mean to most of the time. However, in this case, that mantra is way too personal to share here.

Edit: I tried that mantra tonight. I made it 1/3 of the way through my mala. The sensations were so intense that I could not continue. There were few distractions, no astral visions, no phantoms. I have no real description of the sensation except that I felt an influx of such intense energy that I couldn't process it. I guess the best description would be the wave that precedes an orbiter as it reenters the atmosphere.

Consciousness Change

Of late I have posted on perfection, meditation and enlightenment. During that short period, I obtained a highness of spirit and, quite frankly, of ego that I heretofore had not obtained. The upside of the downside, by that I mean the ego inflation, is that this form of inflation harmed no one. I simply thought I was close to embodying something more than I've ever been before. Maybe I was but a few words from one person simply popped that balloon.

The words of my mentor, who is not prone to praise or hyperbole, were inspiring both before and after the balloon popped. He said that I had made contact with my higher self. For those that are not away of my ontology, the Holy Guardian Angel (HGA) is a point above normal consensus reality that teaches us to become fully connected to our own immortal soul. The Higher Self is another term for immortal soul. In Qabalistic terms, I relate this to the three supernals when the Tree of Life is viewed microcosmically.

From that state of awareness, I was able to carry back a few ideas. This is a revision of my awareness and reality.

• Everything is perfect right now.
• Every way is valid. Those that say that any path "does not know" do not know.
• Obtaining an understanding of the Higher Self, by that I mean the immortal soul, is, in very practical terms, possible. Prior to this, I strove for that sort of thing without really believing I could obtain it in this lifetime.

From back down on earth, I realize that even striving for this is a form of desire and grasping that is not conducive to manifesting the Ultimate. However, striving in the way I am striving in the present, is a necessary step. My current method of reaching my intended state is prayer and meditation. 

I now have a mala upon my person during waking hours. I use it to pray during down time at work. I pray as I wait in line at lunch. I pray at home. 

I am also starting formal yoga teaching at night. Perhaps these teachers are not gurus. It doesn't matter. They are teachers of the moment. 

Invocation and Evocation

In the comment section of Tuesday's post, Wolf posted the following:

Robert, could you describe your experience with God-form assumption technique and the results you go from it? Although it's often included in teh GD curiculum and initiation ceremonies, it's kind of overlooked in practical applications. Do you think that is can be alternative to evocation, in some cases?


I claim no expertise. The random way I practice offers little in the form of true comparison. So, I only speak from how things have impacted me.

The GD god form invocations are solid practice. While many will say the GD have incorrect god-forms due to the nascent state of Egyptology at the time of its founding, I disagree. For while the statement that they misattributed appears to be true, those whom make this claim ignore the import of the egregore. Somehow, the gods and the egregore work together towards a result. In that context, the GD god forms would just fine as is.

That said, aside from one or two, they leave me flat and generally uninspired. I cannot recall if any of them specifically introduced in a grade helped me with that grade. Though, the repeated invocation of them allowed me to grow the more subtle bodies that allowed me accept such activity at a future time. Wax on. Wax off.

As far as practical applications, I would like to do a bit more of that with gods. The one practical impact a GD god had for me was accidental. Anubis, called more for an experiment than anything else, plucked from my mind the fact that my ex-wife had a stalker. Anubis kicked his ass.

My more tangible experience with invocation of gods comes from my work with the Greeks. Perhaps because they are more culturally significant or more human or because I resonate with them, the Greeks manifest much more strongly for me. I need no ritual at all just a short meditation. The best way I can describe their theurgic impact is through a story.

I met a man once that ran one of the first ISPs (Internet Service Provider) back in the days of small local providers offering dial-up service. He had a staff of three computer 'geniuses'. Two of them worked a forty hour week. One of them was never seen but received the same salary. The first two complained at this treatment. Why do you pay him if he is never here? We do all the work. Besides, he is rude, crude and sometimes doesn't shower! The owner smiled. That bit is literal. The man didn't shower much.

One day, they lost service to an entire region. The two full time techs did everything the knew how to do. So did the owner. Finally, he gave up and called the third tech. Number three walked up to the 'big board' which displayed nothing but rows of ones and zeros. He stood silently watching them pass by. Finally, he pointed and said, "That is your problem." He punched a couple of keys which restored the service. Then number three left without saying a word.

The owner looked at the other two and said, "That is why I pay him."

The Greeks have worked for me that way. They seem to know the binary code and replace a 0 with a 1. Obviously, this is a very intimate procedure.

Evocation is more akin to meeting someone that has the skills you need. S/he does that work and leaves. A bond can be formed but for me the relationship isn't as tight knit as for god-form invocation, at least for me.

Acts of thaumaturgy, can be done either way I suppose. Though, calling on a god for that doesn't really sit well with me and my moralistic view of things, which is utterly silly. That said, gods can appear to human eyes to be capricious. The evocation of "lesser" beings is more likely to produce thaumaturgic results to the magicians liking.

To contradict myself for the thirtieth time in this post. The thaumaturgical results I get with Hermes are impressive for their completeness and speed. This may be because I use simply prayer and don't ask for the moon to be laid at my feet.

I have no idea if I actually answered the intent of that question or not. Sometimes I go on tangents. If I missed, let me know.

Knowing Perfection! (With subtitle)

Yeah, But I don't really know!

My meditations have born some fruit.

One of my realizations involved perfection. At some point, I cannot recall when or even what I saw, I was given a glimpse of how perfect everyone is right now. Right now, you are perfect. Right now, I am perfect. Right now, they are perfect. Everyone is perfect.

Yes, each of us may evolve in the years to come, in months, or in the next five minutes. It doesn't matter, everyone is perfect. Right now, you are manifesting exactly as you should.

Friday, I walked on grounds of my workplace. Fresno is a dirty place. The air pollution is among the worst in the nation. My work place is not on the newest side of town. There is a huge abandoned building there. The paint is old, the pavement cracked. The cars on the street are older models, bus stops are crowded with the poor. Across the street, the names of the stores, in Spanish, are not so discernible. Some of them are closed.

Yet here, I found the perfection of the physical world. Everything is exactly as it should be. That weed is exactly where it should be. The paint peels exactly as it should. The world reflects the beauty of the Divine as do you, as do I. The weed and the lotus are the same.

This is a pretty cool outlook to have. It is fun and amazing. The problem lay in the fact that you can know and not know. This is a common theme in theurgic work. There is a time period between knowledge and full manifestation. It is why the lessons we learn circle back around us. The universe says, "Are you sure you have it?" "Do you have it in this situation?" "Do you still get it when you look at it this way?" "Do you get it now? "Do you get it now?" Sooner or later one does fully get it. Then of course, the next challenge comes.

I know everything is perfect but when something doesn't go my way, I am sure I will rail against it proving that I don't really know. Over time, one can know these things. So, what is it that knows when you KNOW?

Right now, my mind (air) knows all is perfect. My highest soul has always known regardless of the fact that manifested Robert never did. My emotional body (water)  may not know the full truth yet or maybe it is my creative body (fire). Maybe my creative body knows my emotional body doesn't know and therefore creates situations to prove its point. Maybe, it is my physical body that doesn't know to move differently. My point is that to fully know all of one's bodies, no matter what map one uses, all have to know. Once things are in alignment, you KNOW.

Meditation

For my birthday, I placed a meditation timer on my Amazon wish list. My family generously gifted me with it.  I am enjoying its use. This morning, I meditated for twenty minutes before work. Not long ago, I breathed through another thirty minutes.

The meditation was a prayer that my 'enlightenment' whenever that may come be in a form to serve others to achieve the same. It was an endless game of releasing thoughts, sensations and visions. The session did include some odd points:

• Ganesha touching my forehead with the tip of his trunk. 
• I began to be able to observe myself from a distance. This was not a great distance but there was some  mental separation, like two parts of me were thinking. 
• I observed my EGO as it thought of how people wishing to see me would be instructed that I preferred them nude because we all go before "God" naked. Then the other part of me that could think as well instructed me in the metaphor at play*. I in order to proceed, I must be so naked that there is no I. I was willing to leave everything behind, identities, friends, loves, everything. I watched my body fade away.
• I watched many death masks go by. I think they were mine. Maybe not. 
• I 'knew' my mentor has not what I am seeking. This is likely another ego flash but it was oh so much subtler. 
• I had to push away more images than thoughts.
• Thirty minutes after meditation, I am peaceful and buzzing. (Sober)

* A long time ago, I noted that the ego flairs up as one makes a hop up a level of awareness. It never occurred to me that ego flair may be instructional. The form of the ego fantasy may contain important information.

NOTE: In a recent post, I mentioned the passwords of the sephiroth. My long ago memory of what I had read in Crowley was incorrect. 

Enlightenment (with a subtitle)

In Vicodin Veritas?

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that I am learning to accept my own enlightenment. Please understand that I am not saying I am an enlightened master merely that I am more enlightened than before.

I feel this is important in that I can let go of a lot of past mistakes because I have learned those lessons. I no longer have to view myself as a seeker but more as one who has learned and will be challenged to learn more. Because of this, my prayers have morphed. I am asking the transcendent version of the Helpful Deity* as well as, Hermes to keep me within the path of continual enlightenment. I pray this throughout the day. In fact, I often find my mind defaulting to these thoughts and prayers. While it isn't quite living in the now, it is a much more pleasant mental routine than I have ever had before.

Today, I was sitting at work and overcome with this sense of peace, joy and love. The peace and joy were my own. The love was for everybody, friends, "enemies", coworkers, strangers, everybody.  My physical head felt lighter. I experienced a tingling sensation in the middle of my forehead. The sensation moved down until it encompassed the top of my head. It stopped about midway down my nose. The emotional result was not unlike the sometimes pleasant happy love I'd feel when I was on Vicodin. The drug didn't always cause that feeling but it did on occasion. The pleasant feeling of the drug seemed to occur more often in the months preceding my back healing.  This thought reminded me of In Vino Veritas (in wine there is truth).

I have been pondering the nature of what I have been experiencing. In many ways it is a release of negative self-images but without glorifying the ego. It is the beginning of letting go of some self-identities (ie. mean-Robert, magician-Robert, worker-Robert, ignorant-Robert, knowledgeable-Robert).  My mind is experiencing more thoughts of compassion than frustration, anger or anything else. The odd negative or undesirable thought is quickly eschewed for more positive things. Most of the time, part of me rejects the negative over the positive before I realize the negative mantra was even there.

My mentor has asked me to give him details of what I am experiencing. I have little. These are more intangible perceptions landing on gossamer wings. There is no magickal big bang. I am not all that different from how I was last week. Yet, I am getting different.

* The Helpful Deity is a female deity who will not allow me to use her name publicly.

P.S. My teaching editor felt that I left some confusion in my last post due to a turn of phrase. To clarify, I am not dating my mentor.

My Mentor and Acceptance

My Mentor and Myself

I had a great talk with my mentor last night. I found it quite satisfying for a variety of reasons. 

My long term relationship with him has consisted of him counseling me, teaching me facts of magick and participating in initiation rituals. Most of the counseling sessions had to do with dealing with my own impurities. Therefore, they were direct, difficult and sometimes I was highly criticized. Though, the later was always done with compassion. My flailing ego was still wounded most of the time. During that period there was very little direct praise. The compliments I received were more in the form of actions rather than words. They came in the form of greater challenges. I always felt like I was moving uphill, in the rain, with the wind in my face. Sometimes, some jackass would pour some oil on the road just for fun! Now, by conscious choice or not I do not know, I'm learning about some of the things I did right, the lessons I did not need to learn and other items of that ilk. 

Another reason is that I received a glimpse the man behind the teacher. Our relationship has always been teacher/student with some friendship thrown in. Now, we are closer to student/teacher and friend/friend, which is not to say that my skills and knowledge are any match for his.  I like getting to know the rest of him. 

He also confirmed, though I hardly needed it, I am on the right track with various projects and duties. Outside confirmation is always nice.

Lastly, we are going to work together on an evocation. I've learned by dating The Psychic and now The Gentle Soul, that one can learn simply by being near someone of greater skill than you. My psychic abilities have grown as I have felt their vibrations as they are psychically engaged. I hope to learn along those lines in working with my mentor magickally. We've worked one or two acts of magick together. This will be the first time there will be an actual learning, collaboration, and doing magick session. I suppose that is not  technically true but this is a big step in another direction. I am so looking forward to it.

Acceptance

A week or so ago, my brother-in-law called me. He said that something is waiting for me. It is very welcoming and peaceful. He wasn't sure what it was but it came from India. My brother-in-law is a down to earth guy and isn't prone to sharing the odd ball psychic revelation. Most of the time, he'd prefer he didn't have them. In fact, he's actually eschewed exploring his innate magickal talent. So, when he calls, I listen.

I listened more because the Gentle Soul and I dreamed on the same night that we were in part of India or at least the middle east. I was being given a tour. Our dreams did not intersect much at all but the shared location made them stand out. So, hearing something from India was welcoming me after something else gave me a tour peaked my attention. 

At some point after that, I watched a documentary on Ram Dass. For those of you that do not know. Ram Dass was a Harvard professor who feel in with undesirables like Timothy Leary. That resulted in his getting fired from Harvard which was the first time that had happened in a hundred years.  Dass went to India for enlightenment and returned to the States to teach. He has had a quite distinguished spiritual career. 

Somehow this documentary inspired me to do a couple of things. Neither was mentioned in movie. The first is to accept my enlightenment. This is not to say that I am an enlightened master but that I am certainly more enlightened than I was five years ago. This isn't quite giving myself credit as it is accepting my place now. Another part of that isn't exactly asking for more but accepting the current that brings enlightenment. This has lead to something...

Work has been great. I am being glad handed, complimented, thanked and I'm genuinely providing a service to others at the same time. The reason for that, is because my negative frustrated thought pattern has been continually interrupted with thoughts of love and compassion. This is mostly subconscious activity. I notice it after it has occurred. I am not reaching for it. 

The second thing that happened is that I bought some mala beads. I plan on wearing them once they arrive and using them to pray during breaks and lunches at work as well as, other times through out the day.

Along these same lines, during my talk with my mentor, he mentioned that I did stay out of one patch of trouble because I have, in my words, a very rigid sense of morals. I damn well know what is right and what isn't, even when I couldn't resist the later. Today, I grumpily thought that it may have served me well in that one instance but they usually serve others better. I instantly smiled when I realized that is what they are for. So is everything else I strive for, in one way or another. I suppose I really ought to figure that into the front end of the calculations rather than realizing it on the back end.