Side Effects

I worked on the task my mentor gave me again as well as the pentacle.

When I was going through a watery time, I complained to my mentor that he never told me doing the great work would make me cry at the weddings of folks I did not know. He laughed.

Paying attention to my HGA about losing weight has also caused something unexpected. I like fruit. I've always been a meat, potatoes and pizza kind of guy. Doing the Great Work caused me to like fruit. I know it isn't a great revelation or anything but talk about your off the wall side effects.

I am reaching some emotional conclusions to some long ago trauma. It will definitely post worthy when I get there but again, I always wonder about the privacy of others. Am I protecting me or them?

Magick Lasts -- Write it Down!

About seventeen years ago, when I was still floundering around with magick my sister got pregnant. During the pregnancy her asthma kicked up pretty bad and we were all concerned for the baby. In my family no one would actually admit that out loud. I offered to make a talisman for her to help as long as I got it back when the baby was born. Her asthma cleared up and a healthy baby boy was born. Though, I think she'd be loathe to admit it to her child, I have long enjoyed the thought that my talisman helped to bring this child into the world healthy. I have always loved the child even though I until recently I didn't even like most children. Over the years, I have noticed the lad and I share some tastes. I like music from the sixties and seventies which is prior to my generation. He likes the same music and I often see him sporting shirts bearing the names of bands I grew up with in the eighties. We have a tendency not to tell our families of things they think are important like girlfriends and phone messages. I think for the same emotional reasons but I am not sure. My gal says that he 'feels' like I do. He also does as little school work as he can get away with as did I. While I was smart, this kid is so brilliant that I am pretty sure his head glows in the dark. Over the years, I have wondered if these odd little shared traits were the result of that talisman.

I believe the talisman was solar in nature. Nowadays, I do it differently but it worked at the the time. I did get the talisman back. I need to search through some old trunks and see if I can find it. You may ask why I'd care to do that.

Today, I was told that he received a letter asking him to apply to a university. He's received many as he is a really bright kid with some questionable grades. This letter wasn't from any ordinary school. It wasn't even from the likes of the UC system or some school you've heard of but know little about like a Tulane. This letter came from Harvard. The second I heard the news I had a crystal clear vision of that talisman. I hope I have that talisman around to see if it matches the vision. So, I wonder, did that talisman made all those years ago influence this event? Or have I linked the talisman with my love for my nephew and saw it when he was mentioned? If so, why haven't I seen it when other good things happened? Maybe that can be explained by my astral vision is much better now than it ever has been. I simply don't know.

So, to my more inexperienced readers. Write down everything. I mean everything. Keep a three ring binder. Take good notes. You will regret not doing so even at this early stage in your Work towards Unity or power or whatever it is you seek. Write it down. A lot. In the general scheme of things knowing if this talisman could have or did influence this opportunity, which may never come to fruition, or not doesn't really matter a great deal. I know it worked for his and his mother's health long ago. My point is that it could have mattered but if I don't have the records I will never know. At the risk of redundancy and repeating myself, write it down. Magick lasts and you will want to know what you did many years later.

Today I worked on the following:

• I read a bit of the 6th and 7th book of Moses
• I worked on the project my mentor gave me
• I painted my pantacle.

Four Things Worked On

There isn't much to report today.

• I painted the pantacle a bit
• I worked on the project my mentor gave me
• I went for a walk and did well with the diet. The weekend was hard to stay on task. Today was easy.
• I read a little of the Sixth and Seventh Books of Moses
  

Another Installment of Frater Bonehead

When I first began this blog I went by the name of Frater Bonehead. I did so because I wanted folks to know that I was more than aware of my many mistakes along the path along with my plans to make even more. It was also a way to keep from taking myself too seriously.

During my initiatory path, I'd send my mentor emails with the subject line of "I am a bonehead" when I put pieces of things together that I felt were obvious. What had taken me so long? He'd assure me that I wasn't a bonehead long after those subject lines became my attempt at humor. This morning, I had two bonehead moments wrapped in one. Part of me enjoys this sort of thing. The other part still asks, "What took you so long?"

Today, I was reading Self-Initiation into the Golden Dawn. There is a section regarding the serpent of brass. I have read about this construct before but the meaning never sunk in past the bones in my head. The Serpent of Brass is a snake that touches each of the paths of the Tree of Life but not the sephiro. It is called external beauty because it has gained the wisdom of the paths but it is not internal beauty because the serpent does not comprehend the sephiro. The sephiro are internal states of consciousness not interactive activity involving other microcosmic beings. Actually, that is not quite right but it is closer than I've been before now.

This had me thinking of a lucid dream/astral projection sequence reported here. Where I moved up the 31st Path of Shin (Fire) up to the eighth sephiro of Hod (Intellect). I was disappointed that I was barred at Hod for foolishly not remembering the passwords and signs. Here comes the bonehead part. I failed to recognize that I had an astral experience on the path! That I missed what happened next is simply astounding.

I began to have conversations with someone from a religion that had done a great deal of damage to my psyche. Even after making a great many strides in that area, there is a lot of Work for me to do on the issue. However, instead of the normal confrontational, "We didn't make a single mistake," discussions I've had with my former group, these conversations were cordial and neither one of us went much into the past. Considering this person wasn't involved in the past events, it made things a bit easier. It was also very helpful to see that someone could actually not only accept my point of view but could be sympathetic or empathetic to the situation. Two traits I have not seen much from a ranking member of that religion before. So, all this seems to be working the destructive aspects of the path of fire but in a positive way.

This makes me realize that moving along the paths and sephiro astrally is not for fun. There are very real consequences to such trips that will manifest in my life. I doubt that will give me too many second thoughts I wouldn't have had before. Though, I am not 100% sure the path of Peh will not give me pause. Peh is represented by the Tower card.

Fr POS (aka Bonehead)

(Tree of Life with Serpent of Brass (sort of) is from http://www.crystalinks.com/kabala.html)

Three Points

Not much to report today.

• I lost 2.8 pounds on the Weight Watchers.
• The pentacle recieved some more paint. One side will be declared done soon. The second will go much faster.
• I've been in a lot of pain today.
• The sun still sets in the west.

Baseball Destroyed My Ability to Astral Project!

In doing the Work of self-purification, I once observed how a chance conversation before friends when I was five or six drastically influenced my life. I had noticed some cars parked down the street with flowers stuck on them as was the custom in the early seventies. Before my friends, I said, "Look Mom, a funeral." She said no that it was probably a wedding. My friends all laughed at me. A few minutes later we were back playing baseball as usual. The next day, she told me that I was right. Someone had died playing Russian Roulette. I remember asking what that was and her answer.

That conversation helped to form a very shy socially withdrawn child. From that point on, I was very insecure. Once I broke out of that, I had a need to always be right. I wasn't going to be laughed at again because someone didn't know why I drew a conclusion about a funeral or anything else. Even now there is a chance I will miss your argument unless you admit to hearing mine. You don't have to agree but you must acknowledge what I've said. What does that have to do with the title of this post? Nothing.

Except for the fact that another incident at the young age of eight or nine that also involved baseball has everything to do this post. When I was very young, I was a reasonably good hitter. I didn't have much power yet but I had a very good eye, drew a lot of walks. My ground balls seemed to find their way through infields. Until one day, I was drilled in the middle of my back by a hard throwing right hander. I dropped like a stone. When the adults lifted my shirt they were amazed to clearly see the baseball's stitches on the skin of my back. I never could hit again because I'd always step back when the pitch came.

What does that have to do with astral projection?

Tonight, in a possible case of listening to too much advice but finding an answer anyway, I took Frater ROs advice and tried to purify my spheres before attempting to astral project. So, after an LBRP, I did a middle pillar with the stated intent of purifying my spheres rather than the normal raising energy. I laid down and started the Stavish routine. When I worked my way up to my crotch I could see the dome of Yesod. Images of popping a tent should be banished immediately! Out of no where I said, "I trust my nephesch". I realized that part of my problem here and in some other areas was that I didn't trust my animal nature which is encased in the part of the soul qabalists call the nephesch. I repeated over and over my trust of this part of myself while remembering that part is ruled by higher aspects of my soul.

Suddenly, I saw a face. It looked a little bit like Sam Webster of the Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn. Then I realized there were two more heads! This was a form of Bune illustrated in Lon DuQuette's (and others) Aleister Crowley's Illustrated Goetia.

One of Bune's lesser understood talents is revealed in his description as, "gathers the spirits that are under him to gather upon your sepulchres." (my italics) Sepulchres are graves as RO explains here. Basically, he takes things that should be buried in the past and makes them part of the past so you can move on. When the spirits under him are out of control, they put your own past in your present and thus it blocks your way. Bune then tells me that my nephesch is afraid of allowing energy to flow up my spine due to that errant pitch! The nephesch is where your fight or flight energy is stored. One part of my soul is therefore trying to save my life by blocking this energy. Bune offered to put this portion of my past in its grave and I accepted.

I could feel his fingers on my back pushing energy up my spine. He made progress. Though, he couldn't get it to flow immediately. He promised he would. Bune was apologetic without actually saying so. He said his work is not always easy. That seems logical. Whose work is?

So, assuming Bune is correct, I haven't been able to astral project due to a wild pitch striking my eight year-old body. Obviously, this may have something to do with my overall back issues as well. I am hoping.

If Bune pulls this off and my back gets better too, I may have to fly back east and kiss Frater RO right on the mouth! I hope my goatee wont' tickle his nose. For those of you that may be a tad homophobic, I am kidding. I wouldn't fly back east to kiss RO. I am way too cheap for that. Have you priced plane tickets lately?

(Picture from: http://www.swingthebat.net/TheStep.html)

Energetic Day

Life is odd. Having eaten properly for five days now, I am amazed at how much better I feel. I have much more energy. My body feels more youthful. My on the job focus has improved. This new found vitality made me productive tonight. In one night I

• Went shopping
• Started a project my mentor gave me
• Worked on my pantacle. One side is almost done!
  
• Did an astral projection excerise

That last was the result of the conversation I had the other night that I mentioned but didn't reveal any detail. Several helpful hints were offered. For instance, since my stomach clenches in excitement as I get close to projecting which stops the process, I should try exiting through the crown or via my mouth. Having a big mouth, I tried the latter while following the suggestion to lay down instead of sit.

I did an LBRP of earth. This time, instead of being emotionally neutral, I put some emotion into the process. I'd call that emotion joyful will. I think I did a better job of banishing earth than normal. I know it was more fun.

The projection exercise was basically the same Stavish meditation as described in earlier posts with the above changes. Several times I felt my astral body begin to get excited but not enough to allow movement. I heard lots of disembodied voices. One declared, "I am fifteen." The voice sounded as if it belonged to a fifteen year old. Though, I can not resist doing the gemantria 1 + 5 = 6 = Tipereth.

The results were good enough to try again.

(Picture from: http://pro.corbis.com/search/Enlargement.aspx?CID=isg&mediauid=0446F83E-0207-4AB1-B3D6-B25562FFD318)

Have You Been Influenced by a Spirit?

Frankly, you don't mind if I call you Frank do you? Good.

Frankly, I am not 100% sure Bune is in my corner but at the same time, I have scant evidence he is against me. He hasn't given me what I charged him with yet. However, I have some evidence he is for me. Part of my charge was for him to fall in my line with my HGA as I understood it. I added those last four words because I didn't want him telling me he messed up my life because my HGA will find it useful ten years from now.

Lately, I have gone on Weight Watchers due to the urging of my HGA. He says my psychology is more effected by my weight than I understand. Having eaten much differently over the last four days I can now say I think he is right. I feel 100% better having eaten healthier foods. During this process I have been offered items by various friends at no cost: Weight Watchers books, Weight Watchers Point Calculators, and a $1700 Bow Flex. I will take advantage of all of these kind and generous offers. Since Bune does handle some financial tasks along with his other duties and I did charge him to align with my HGA, it follows that these gifts may have been inspired by him.

The problem any critically thinking magician will have with this is that knowing the people involved, they'd have offered anyway. I think. So, um, were they influenced by Bune or their own good natures or both or or or? If I went by gut reaction, which is usually a decent indicator in things like this, I'd say it was Bune. Cold logic says no.

Another conversation for my HGA.

The pentacle is going well. It is getting more and more white. Progress!

P.S. Today is my birthday. So, it is the start of my new magickal year. I anticipate lots of magickal fun.

(picture of Bune seal from: http://membres.lycos.fr/jaumotte111/nomdemon.htm)

Video of the One

Today, I had a long confidential talk about magick. So, nothing to report. I will leave you with this short video.

Pantacle Lessons and Comments

The Grand Canyon was carved with steady running water over millions of years.
(Picture from http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/photos/american_west/pages/Grand%20Canyon.htm)

Pantacle

I've received some comments from folks through back channels and I'd like to answer them here. One person told me they thought I spent way too much time on my pantacle. Yes, the coat by coat Jessoing takes a while but I am learning from the long process. There is common wisdom that says slow and steady dedication is the only way to progress. It is one thing to hear this and agree. It is quite another to see the process in action. Furthermore, I learned that slow and steady progress with careful attention to detail is really what matters. One moment of inattention causes a lot more work.

Secondly, this is a symbol of earth. As I walk on the earth, I actively try to do my best every day. My pantacle should reflect that same attitude and determination throughout its construction. That will make it a true tool of earth rather than a painted hunk of wood. That will also make it my tool of earth.

Oddly, the white became much more solid after posting the pictures. I am making very good progress now.

Descolado was kind enough to send me some pictures of a pantacle and I really appreciated him taking such an interest in my work. However, I already have a design. I am using the standard Golden Dawn model for my elemental tools.

Emotions

Another friend told me that my blog should be about the more emotional part of the Work as she feel that is a key to doing the Great Work and she is absolutely right.

My intent when starting this was to do just that. However, I ran into a couple of problems. One is, I am not overly emotional at this stage of my work. The second is that I do have some things to cover there but I can't figure out how to do it without violating the privacy of others. I suppose I could ask them if I could post on certain topics.

However, she brought this out at a time when I was considering speaking of emotion in ritual. Ceremonial magick, at least as I was trained, takes a lot of that out of the ritual setting. I am beginning to think that is a bit of a mistake. I think emotions excite the astral and a practiced magician can still allow them to excite him and remain focussed on the task at hand. Furthermore, he should be able to throw all the energy of that emotion out to the Universe to be used in the enlivening of the spell. He should be so good that when he is finished he is utterly devoid of all the emotional energy he has raised and spent.

Frater POS
(Who is off to study some classified material and do a classified ritual.)

Good News and Some Anger

The good news is that I made my first day on the diet with flying colors. I actually had to eat more than I wanted to get enough calories. Odd that. I also learned that I eat too little early in the day and then much late at night, which is a problem. Sounds like another balance issue to me. It is amazing how often it comes down to that.

I spoke to my mentor today by phone. It sounded like my next initiation is going to be delayed yet again. And even then, the tone of voice said gathering the proper people may pose a problem. While I admit I could be reading too much into it, I see the pattern. Screw it. I am going to tell the universe I am serious about this happening. I will call the angel of tipereth and get this moving. I may then put myself through it if necessary. I am more than ready.

I am angry at the delays. Some of it has been my fault but most of it is just circumstances. Which may really be indicating I am not ready, yet I do not see how that can be at this point. Sometimes, a magician has to be a magician and just get it done. If I blow up, then I blow up.

Funny thing. I am seeing repeating patterns left and right lately. Some of them I've seen and deliberately broke. Other times, I see the pattern but it is devoid of meaning. I am being more cautious there.

Weight and Conversation

Weighty Issue

A few days after my first contact with my HGA he told me that it was absolutely necessary that I lose weight. I ignored it. Since then the pressure has been building. He's told me that my extra weight affects me psychologically in ways that that I don't understand.

It recently occurred to me that I do have experience with this. In my younger days, I lifted a lot of weights. It was the only time in my life that I woke up happy and content. I smiled a lot then. Though, I was also not too humble. So, it would appear that one's body does effect one's mind. Since my work has shown me that if I clean up one aspect of myself other parts change, I will have to concur with my HGA.

At any rate, I am amazed that my HGA cares about an my extra forty to fifty pounds. Though I am not amazed that he does care about my psychological state.

Yesterday, I signed up for Weight Watchers. I blog just to blog. This time, I am hoping the blog helps me do this as I simply do not want to post that I tried this and it didn't work.

Conversation

Last night, I have a very long conversation with someone about something. It is being recorded here only as a marker. If this was a private diary, I'd be writing way. Given that it is public, I am cautious about posting conversations with others. I don't want people to feel they have to watch what they say for fear of it winding up in this space.

Clearing up Misunderstanding -- Hello France!

Last night I posted, "If you don't want people to ask you questions, don't set yourself up as a teacher." This was not a poke at Lon DuQuette. Lon has always been nothing but gracious to me and anyone I've ever seen him speak with. He is the nice guy in occultism. Unless you use the words, "fuck you." Saw that once, it scared me and I didn't say it.

It was really a comment about folks being afraid to ask other folks questions. When you come across the like of Lon, Aaron Leitch, Sam Webster, John Michael Greer and a host of other folks that have been there and done that, ASK! Most of them love to help. There is no need to reinvent every occult wheel but more importantly they offer a different perspective.

Hello to my friend(s) in France that have been reading consistently for a few days now.

(Picture of Lon from www.pagannews.com/images/lmd.jpg)

Spirit Confusion

I am a little confused with Bune. I called Bune specifically because my HGA told me to by name during our first conversation which, oddly enough, occurred in a Wendy's. I just realized that Wendy sounds an awful lot link windy...air...reconciler...mmmm. I digress.

Unlike other goetic spirits I've dealt with, I don't feel anything different with Bune, except a bit more focus on him. It seems the focus shifts to the latest one you've done. Though, you don't forget about the others. From the experience my friends have had with him, they've all benefited long term. However, he does add a bit more drama than the other spirits I know about. "A bit more" is an understatement.

My confusion stems from the little things I've gained. This tends to indicate some cooperation but not of the sort outlined in the rite. Fr RO theorizes that we should have called their kings first. That way we have that additional authority. They would therefore work harder instead of half hearted attempts at compliance.

I am not above asking questions. If you don't want people to ask you questions, don't set yourself up as a teacher. So, I asked Lon DuQuette. Oddly, I sent my question at around 10 PM and received an answer in about five minutes. His answer was that he likes his demons to have only one king, himself! This I can't argue with. If my philosophy is to line things up in a straight line adding other kings to the mix may bend that line a bit. I am beginning to look at myself as a member of any hierarchy I deal with rather than a magician appealing to some structure outside of himself. I tend to be comfortable with answers between the points of view. That is the first place I go. However, this too can become habit rather than thought. I am going to think on this for a while.

Pantacle

Some of you may be wondering what is taking so long on the pentacle considering there have been quite a few mentions of painting. Well, I am using watered down Jesso to get that white base so the colors pop when I am done. This takes forever. So, here are a couple of before and after pics after one additional coat. Can you tell the difference?

Is the one with or without the quarter the 'before'?

The last one just shows how thick the disk is.

A Small amount of Catching Up

I posted on July 8 that I prepared an insurance claim and was sending a little friend to help get it to go smoothly. It did. The item wasn't mailed until the 10th but the check arrived today. Seven days including snail mail from an insurance company. How likely is that?

Oddly, all my bills are down this month, even the electric bill...in July. Could that be Bune? It seems too subtle for a demon to me but when I just IM'd that same comment to Frater RO I distinctly heard a gruff, "We're like that." He has now taken credit for it. Interesting.

Interesting in the Future

Something interesting happened today that illustrates a magician's perspective on the world. But, since the last couple of days have sucked, I am going to blog about it a couple days from now. Expect something more along the lines of normal tomorrow.

To My Friend in Columbia

Thanks for reading.

Bad Day

Today was a bad day. No blogging besides my earlier rant that wasn't about me for a change.

Taxpayer Hell

I am not the only one in a fix with major corporations. Read on to see how a friend of mine is in tax refund hell because some computer won't release her nearly 8K in pass due REFUNDS until an 'authorized person' does so. But no one is an authorized person. This just one more example of decision makers removing any possible discretion from their employees. They treat people like they can't think and their customers and in this case the tax payers get screwed.

I am dealing with the taxpayer advocacy dept now, which I'm told is the department that polices the IRS. Since the IRS has missed EVERY deadline they have set for themselves, I go to them and if they haven't done anything within the next 7 business days I will have to meet with someone. The second lady I talked to explained to me what the problem is. The system put my refunds on hold while it searched for another account that I might owe money on... found nothing.. but never released. They acknowledge that I am due all of my refund and stimulus, but the "system" won't let an unauthorized person release my money. Nobody seems to know WHO is authorized... and since I happened to get through to an IRS center on the east coast, there were no supervisors available again.

Ridiculous.

(Picture from http://www.rothcpa.com/archives/2005_07.php)

Possible Connection

Perhaps the dream where I pray, "I love God," to be deluged with life-saving water (emotion) may be linked to my realization that to unite with "G-d", to break through the first veil, I must have emotion are related things.

Bright and Shiny and Other Thoughts

There are several items to write about today.

Something is still bothering me about the bright and shiny post of yesterday. Some readers may look at something huge and say, "Get that knucklehead see THAT?" But that isn't how it works, at least not for me. The big issues are not what the seem but signs pointing to smaller, insignificant and much more important issues and ideas. The obvious issues make the big engine knock loudly the little issue is the timing screw. A quarter turn can make everything run smooth again. I will come back to the bright and shiny post over time until I understand.

I added two more coats of Jesso to the pentacle. I really have to start doing this every day or it will never get done!

I did the LBRP and MP and dedicated the energy to astral projecting. I did the Stavish exercise. I noticed unmistakable physical sensations in any limb I focused on. It felt a bit like a wind but pushing down with consistent force. I could not feel as distinct a sensation anywhere on my torso or head. After a while, I notice by body of light was purple not the normal blue. I went with it. I was also able to quite easily get past any distracting images that came to mind. My focus was reasonably strong. I tried to ascend upwards as my HGA had instructed and once again my awareness remained steadfastly focussed in the physical vehicle. Though I did see movement and feel it a little bit but nothing like that feeling of an excited astral body. I pushed my mind skyward and realized that what I need to do is aspire to union. So, I did. I don't know if I'd call it prayer exactly but it was aspiration. Finally, I realized that I need a word, a word that captures all of my emotional power and will toward unity. I have no such word and my emotions are not overly developed. I simply do not have a fully palette. I will seek a word and whatever emotion is going to launch me through.

I had a horrible dream last night. I was a civilian in war time. I will omit all the details as I am not sure they matter. Eventually, I was in line with a bunch of other civilians to be killed. I was on my knees with my forehead on the ground as the man with the weapon was coming toward me for my turn, killing each person ahead of me in line. I simply said, "I love God, I love God." and suddenly it was pouring rain. The fighters were scattering. Everyone was fleeing south but I had no shoes for the long journey and had to run north to get them I think I got them as the dream was ending.

What disturbs me here is that over the last year I've had lots of dreams about dying. I have had dreams of committing suicide and being shot. Every time a bullet goes through my brain and I fall. So, I can assure anyone that you can indeed die in dreams without waking up dead in real life. I have seen countless people murdered in my dreams. I have never killed anyone in my dreams to my knowledge. I am not sure why this theme keeps getting repeated. Some of them are quite scary others much less so. Last night, I did not die, nor was I even injured, but it was pretty scary. I have also noticed my dreams seem longer and longer, lucid or no.

Fr POS

Bright and Shiny Bait

This post is broken up into two parts. The first is something I wrote without posting. While I would have put it into a personal journal, it sounded way too much like an appeal for compliments, which it was not, to post publicly. Something else bothered me about posting. Looking back, what bothered me was that I was utterly clueless as to the meaning of what I was repeatedly hearing. On rereading the first part, I stated that quite clearly but didn’t notice. Now, I have a clue. I am not sure that I am correct. Time will tell. The second part is a response to conversations about the first part.

First Part

I have a habit of giving more weight to something when I hear two or more people say the same thing that have not spoken to each other on the topic. When I hear the same exact words, I give it more weight. When I hear those exact words repeated by a stranger I pay special attention.

Over the past six months I have had no less than four working magicians speaking of my work as a magician use the same phrase, “I don't think you give yourself enough credit.” Okay, so I am finally listening. I thought about it, considered it, and have reached the conclusion, so what?

What exactly will happen if I give myself more credit? Can I buy a beach house? No. Will I get promoted at work? Are these “credits” the spiritual equivalent G&H trading stamps? No and no. Will the Dodgers finally learn to hit? Even more unlikely.

Should I make bolder statements so people listen to me? No, I find the opposite is true. Should I look in the mirror and tell myself I am great? No, that path leads to delusion. The universe keeps telling me this. There must be some value in it but I am at a loss to determine what that value is.

I do not think I am a great or even talented magician. I think I work hard at being a magician and that my introspective nature helps some with the personal alchemical processes.

Second Part

I sent the post to Fr RO. He thought these compliments were the universe teaching confidence which I would need when people approached me for magickal aid. Without that confidence, I may shy away from my responsibilities. While I can see his point, I thought the message was lacking something. Years of working magick have made me cautious of complimentary spirits, even human ones.

So, I shared it with my gal and told her I had concerns with posting but I didn’t tell her why. She read it and said, “Beware of bright shiny.” I asked her to continue. She said that when the light begins to shine a bit brighter we attract things. The first thing we attract appeals to the ego. I can see how in my case that can be summed up by one word, acceptance. She noted that last night at a restaurant that the waitress stopped and spoke with me. That concerned her then but, like a good magician, she remained silent until my question. I just thought she was a chatty waitress. My gal responded with, “She didn’t chat with anyone else.” So, my gal’s theory is that folks will begin to see my light and get attracted. While a sign of accomplishment, that can be a huge ego trap. She said I should accept it without getting wrapped up in the process. Her advice was every bit worthy of my mentor's. Though, he may have let me fall into the trap first which has lessons too. There are also lessons in avoiding the trap or at least trying. If the Universe really wants to get you, It will.

So, when the odd waitress engages me in conversation for no apparent reason on non-germane topics such as her taste in movies (Pan’s Labyrinth – note the mythical theme) and her major (graphic arts – an art dealing with light and perception which creates an external effect on the public), I am simply going to note this is a human appeal to the divine light for attention, acceptance or help and recognize it is not an appeal to myself or my ego. I can say that now but I wonder how long it will take me to fall into the trap anyway. The Universe can use some very tempting bait. If the Universe really wants to get you, It will.

(picture is an altered version of the Thoth Tarot card Hermit)

A Naked Child Before Adults (Her-Bak)

Her-Bak begins with a young boy seeking to find what is over a wall. Trying to see, he stops is donkey next to a tree so he can get a better view. From the top of the tree all he can see is more wall for it is very tall. Furthermore, upon his descent, he was shocked to find his donkey had wandered off.

He finds the donkey in the clutches of a big burly guard at the city gate. The guard torments the boy and takes the lad’s dayu or loin cloth. In the Egyptian culture a dayu is given to a boy as he enters puberty and is a sign of manhood. Her-Bak had his only one day. He’s moved from child to adult to child in two days.

Is this much different than what a seeker goes through in an initiatory order? He seeks what is hidden only to find his very seeking causes a loss of something important and long before he gains that back, he feels naked and exposed, a child among adults.

The brute is interesting too. While it appears the guard is completely external, is he really? Or does he simply expose the boy’s own doubt’s of his own manhood? It is interesting that during the confrontation, Her-Bak tosses salt into the man’s drinking water. To Her-Bak this is just. The brute thinks this act is a great affront perpetrated by an ungrateful whelp. How many times have I seen that scenario played out during occult studies? The act of being the occult brute does not go without repercussions comparatively minor though they are. Was Her-Bak so wrong for lashing back at the guard who by his actions is a thief for stealing Her-Baks beer and bread? In a Buddhist sense, the answer is yes. But in many other paths of life this is a natural, though often unbeneficial, thing to do. Those who lead can not afford that luxury.

He then meets his first guide. In a very brief time, the man points him toward his first task. The task appears to be a means to a far off end. Though, the boy does not appear to have a great understanding of this. The guide tells Her-Bak of something that will occur. When the event happens, Her-Bak is amazed with the guide’s abilities.

Is this so different than what happens in an initiatory order? Tasks are given, such as learning the Hebrew alphabet, which are means to a far off end that the student does not fully understand. As the teacher proves himself with this or that tidbit of knowledge or wisdom, students are amazed and propelled onward to further study.

The next post regarding Her-Bak will explore the duality of nature that Egyptians experienced and how that aligns with my current occult thought.

(Picture from: http://www.mambokings.org/July1Social/pages/Modesty.htm)

Her-Bak Horizon

The introduction to Her-Bak contained the following passage:

The Egyptian inscriptions express in various forms the idea that the Temple is the projection of Heaven upon Earth, that is the upon the world limited by the horizon; the horizon being the line joining Heaven to the world, whether this world be understood as our Earth, or the area contained within the walls of a temple or our own body.

The line that struck me was this, “horizon being the line joining Heaven to the world.” My lamen contains a horizon line. Initially, I thought that line was symbolic of ‘as above, so below’. Now, my understanding has grown. My relationship with my HGA is just this – the joining of Heaven to the world but what is the world?

The author, a well respected scholar, chose to capitalize Heaven but left world lower case. This appears to reflect the dualism rampant in the text and by extension the Egyptian cosmic view. Heaven is good/life-giving and the world is bad/dangerous or at least unworthy of an uppercase W.

My modern view disagrees. I believe the world is just as ‘good’ as Heaven. I think we get fooled by self-imposed dualism. We see beauty and assign to ourselves being egocentric or ethnocentric and see pollution and assign it the known or unknown other. The ‘other’ is always outside of ourselves and thus in the world. We then exaggerate that other to the world as a whole.

The line the joins Heaven to the world implies these two items have become one. If the world is ‘bad’ the joining would have to pollute or lessen the Heavens. Alternatively the Heavens could purify the world. I prefer to think the joining is the bonding of the best of the world (personally, the pure part of my personality) with Heaven (personally, my HGA). Though, the purification process is obvious as well.

I have asked if the horizon line in my lamen relates to the quoted lines. I was given a hasty yes and told to concentrate on my meditation. I will investigate this more. I do know that my HGA is really trying to explain some subtlety about the horizon that I can’t get. I can feel the communication take place but it doesn’t turn into words like it usually does. I don’t understand what is happening there.

(Picture from: http://www.dphoto.us/forumphotos/showphoto.php/photo/17085/si/Couple)

Things on My Mind (Sleepless Night)

It is late and I can't sleep. The following things have been on my mind:

• Where is the line between a pointless societal expectation and following it anyway for one's enlightened self interest? If paint my car lime green as a mode of expression and the local cops hate it so much they consistently pull me over, is my expression worth the cost or should I hold fast and teach them the pointlessness of trying to control another's harmless behavior? Why do I even need to express myself? Why do I care if society at large knows how I feel?
  
• How can I expand myself to the compassionate state my HGA is calling for? I have no idea. I am a Leo. We spend our whole lives being very individualized. Why do I see feeling deep compassion as being less so? Those things are not contradictions. Even knowing that, I don't know how to follow those instructions. Is it not in my make up?
• This dream bothers me a great deal. I think this is a forerunner of what I will have to face as I continue my path. I am not sure what form this is going to take. I'd rather not face it but I will. One can not turn away from the Work. I will always seek that divine unity. Seeking is a part of who I am. I seem to follow a silent call. I will not turn away. I will not turn away. But oh, how I want to!

Fr POS

Image from: http://www.aub.nl/dsp_productie.cfm?prodid=AC74CB36-D5FB-9826-F7ED575745EE2121

I can see how this image looks like a man struggling with his shadow self. Perhaps this is the source of a many a sleepless night?

Writing Conundrum

I read the first six chapters of Her-Bak today. A tale of a young boy's initiatory journey through ancient Egypt. I've decided to analyze the text as how it relates to my journey. I am a Leo after all. But, instead of identifying with the hero of the tale, I am going to look at myself as each character, hero, villain and neutral and compare Chick-Pea's journey to mine. I am not sure how will navigate this odd path as a writing exercise as my life is obviously intertwined with others I have no wish to embarrass or expose. Things will become clear or there will have to be a public and private record.

I can see some parallels already with my initiatory path which is seldom referenced here. I have oaths that must be taken into account. I don't know how I am going to handle that either. For now, I will contemplate and likely write in Word, transferring what I can onto these pages.

Reread and Stavish

There is no point in keeping a diary if you don't go back and read it once in a while. I reread June tonight and this is what I picked up.

• I seriously need to work at letting people 'in'. I need to expand my love and compassion.
• I was reminded of the bouncing energy between me and my double when I do the Stavish meditation.
• I have been pretty good at listening to my HGA but not so good at remembering and following through.
  

Tonight, I did the Stavish meditation combined with the HGA instructions. I spent what felt like forever visualizing and feeling my various body parts getting energized. The feeling was very tactile. I may have felt some actual astral movement within. I then banished earth mentally and drew the active and passive pentagrams of spirit within my body and pushed the body of light out through the top of my head. I had a very clear visual but did not succeed in transferring consciousness. Tonight's meditation only lasted twenty-two minutes. This is much longer than my previous efforts but not good enough. I am looking for thirty quality minutes. While I am pleased with my dream progress, I am not at all pleased with my progress toward wakeful astral projection.

I will persevere.

Powells Books and Her-Bak

Her-Bak, The Living Face of Ancient Egypt just arrived at my door. I will likely focus on this tonight and add more Jesso to my pantacle. I plan to write about the book in this space.

I complain a lot about lousy service from companies now-a-days. I bought Her-Bak from Powell's books. They sent volume II instead of volume I. I wrote them and received a very nice reply telling me to keep the wrong one and they'd send the new one post haste - which they did. It was nice to deal with a company that remembers their customer service skills.

You can find them at http://www.powellsbooks.com

Acting on What I Heard

Today, I followed the explicit instructions/suggestions of my HGA. When I asked him how I can avoid getting such poor service from the companies I deal with he told me to keep better records. I found this odd because the situations I was most miffed about did not involve record keeping problems. However, this may be a reflection of myself. If I am disorganized, perhaps it sets up a pattern of disorganization in others. That seems a bit egocentric but I really don't think most of the corporate screw ups are a direct attempt to steal from me. They seem to be genuine self-perpetuating errors. Well, the spa may be different.

At any rate, I filled out paperwork to get reimbursed for my medical flex account today. I possess a copy of everything I am sending and even included an itemized spread sheet outlining the claim.

The process made me feel good and peaceful. Is that some sort of hint about the old phrase "Happiness is Obedience to God"? I am not really an obedient person and I don't think "God" cares about my financial records. I simply find it odd that it felt good to pay attention to my HGA and do as it asked without fully understanding the whys and hows.

(Picture from http://www.eog.com/news/industry.aspx?id=18066)

Lotus Meditation

Tonight, the temple room called out to me for an HGA meditation. I have been working on simply sitting in my temple room with my Lamen and listening to my HGA before or after aspiring for a closer connection. That is a little odd considering he is right there but work with me.

So tonight, I asked to be closer to him and he told me that I had been doing a good job of looking toward my white lotus picture in my office every day and aspiring. Frankly, I've been doing that and, besides that first day, it has done little for me. Today he said, when you look at the picture see the lotus on your head too. Instantly, a saw the flower there and he said to aspire. Again, instantly this beautiful ray of white light ascended. The light was obviously reminiscent of the light of the qabalistic cross. I say beautiful because it was so clear in my vision. For a split second that light was the only thing in my awareness. Awesome.

Then the light formed a cross with the horizontal bar just at the top of my head. In answer to my unasked question, he said the horizontal bar will appear whenever the vertical does. Had I been focus on my heart chakra, the bar would have been there.

A statue of Isis suddenly appeared before me. She was of brown rock. The goddess was in a sitting position with her hands flat on her thighs. She and her thrown would rock back and forth and head-butt me as if trying to break through my thick skull.

After some odd imagery, including different headgear. I returned to the lotus meditation. I heard a bell. The bell definitely communicated that I was on the right track. Focus on the lotus and ignore the other imagery.

Tonights meditation simply felt good. The entire thing could have been mental masturbation but I don't care. It felt good and relaxing.

Never Trust a Magician!

I am feeling the need to write this and I don't know why. However, I go with feelings like that. I figure it can't hurt. Well, I suppose it could but I don't think it will.

Never trust a magician, especially one that tells you what he is doing! This may seem like a contradiction considering I am posting what I am doing. However, young ones , I mean young as in new to magick, may read this blog and say things like, "Boy, I wish I could do that too." The only problem with that statement is the 'too'. There is scant to no evidence that I can do anything I've posted here. Even if the author is 100% honest with his posts, and I believe I am, there is no guarantee that said author is not mistaken or deluded. If you know me, you may make a judgment on my sincerity. If you know me really well in occult circles (pardon the pun), you may even make a judgment on the likelihood of anything posted here being fact. However, that is all you can do.

Take everything with a grain of salt. Test things. Use your critical mind. Draw conclusions slowly and be ready to change them.

Frater POS

(picture from http://www.cornwall365.co.uk/cornwall_pictures/546,places,64,Warning.html)

Miscellanious - The Work Never Ends!

Several things have occurred to me lately that I feel need recording.

As many of you know, I have severe back issues. As often as not, my day includes doses of vicoden, sometimes a lot sometimes none at all. Since purchasing the jacuzzi, I have found that my good days are much better. I can go days and occasionally weeks with no pain at all or just the odd single does of Tylenol. I have been in no pain mode for a week or so. The other day, I had a brief emotional pang that missed being in pain. I've been in so much pain for so long part of my psychology missed it. I knew in that moment, I could 'talk myself' into pain. I chose not to. Occasionally, I have succeeded in talking myself out of pain. I feel it is necessary to record this longing for pain. I am sure it has some equivalent aspect in other areas of my life. This is one more area to explore. A mystery is afoot!

Saturday, my gal told someone that I am the best tarot reader she'd ever known. The other person, a healthy skeptic, asked me to do a reading and 'prove' the statement. I found it odd to note that in my past I would have wanted to prove it. Now, I simply didn't care. I did the tarot reading for this person. I have no idea if I passed the test, nor am I much concerned. I view this a victory in the detachment department! Of course, now I am owning the victory over detachment does that mean I'm attached to detachment? Good Grief the Work never ends does it?

I also found this to be an interesting learning experience. I have often told people I am terrible at the silence part of Know, Will, Dare and be Silent because as a Leo, I have to express myself sometimes to understand that I believe differently than I had previously. In this case, I said the problem with many tarot readers that do readings for folks they know, is that they use them to try to control the behavior of others. They also put too much of their beliefs into the reading. Maybe the other party said that. Whichever, it was a good thing to say. I also said that I dislike the standard questions relating to finances and love. I am like to work with the spiritual questions which usually revolve around a formula like, "What can I learn from this situation?" I like those because even if I am dead wrong with the reading, at the very least I can offer the querent a different perspective. So many of our problems arise because we are incapable of seeing another point of view.

I also found it very interesting that there was an odd result to opening up myself up to do the reading. Later, a tangential party to the reading arrived and I could feel the emotional state that came through in the reading psychically. For a brief moment, I remained tuned into the vibratory state of the situation. This makes me wonder how I can be that open to my own situations. It would come in very handy. I don't consider myself very psychic. I also felt some anger from this tangential person that the primary person had another magickal person to speak with so quickly. I found that later part amusing for reasons I can't explain here. As it would violate the querent's privacy were I to explain how it relates to me here.

Just a side note on being psychic since I mentioned that phenomena above. Those that haven't experienced a state of psychic awareness often long for the experience. Those that have realize the state of psychological and spiritual pain most people are in and would rather not constantly feel that. It can really put a damper on one's enjoyment of life. Ignorance can be bliss.

Finally, I find it odd that for years I wanted to be able to lucid dream and astral project. As recorded here, I am getting better and better and the lucid dream part and the astral projection a part from a dream state. In one way, this verified the validity of some experiences others, I viewed as more experienced, discounted. In another I am amazed that I'm not thrilled at my progress. I feel "interested" and want more experiences but I not proud of myself for my small successes. But am I proud of not being proud? Good grief, the Great Work never ends!

Frater POS

Long Lucid Dream

I had many dreams about being asleep at work. Fortunately, none of them involved my real workplace. I also dreamed of being a trainee cop who simply needed to patrol a neighborhood in a squad car. This is interesting in that when one first encounters one's HGA in a dream, it is often as an authority figure and very often it is a cop. Mine was. So, now that one dreams of being a cop. It seems a logic step in the chain. Though, a bit misplaced. I have no like authority.

I can not recall what triggered awareness. Though, I was in a hardware store at the time. The trigger may have been some slight floating. I willed myself higher. I intentionally drew the attention of another shopper. He looked up at me in touching the ceiling with surprise but indifferently returned to his shopping.

I descended and look at the floor and recalled that I read somewhere that if you looked closely at physical objects on the astral they looked like they were made up of tiny dots of light. I noticed no such phenomenon. I decided to repeat my Hod experience only I was going to get past the guardian this time. So, I ran through the names in my head and I couldn't recall the archangel! Damn. Well, let's try Yesod. Double drat dram! I couldn't remember the archangel their either. I tried to come up with a certain symbol associated with the paths leading up to Hod but couldnt' do so. Netzach? Those names I knew. Instead of just saying Netzach which worked for getting to Hod. I vibrated the Hebrew god-name. I traveled but I didn't feel that 'wind' sensation I now feel is an excited astral body rather than wind. Wind never made sense to me but I couldn't figure out what to call it. I found myself in a very green park-like setting. There was a building that looked like a museum with tall columns. So far so good. I looked into the window and saw some bric-a-brak on shelves. I focused on one. It was cupid! I thought this was positive. Though, Cupid looked a little mean. I looked again and he morphed into the puppet from a "dead terrorist" comedy bit I watched on you tube yesterday. I dismissed this and walked around. There was a path leading to a pool. In the pool there were three very young girls that had just finished having sex. The odd part was that one never came up from under the water. I have no doubt she was alive. The girls treated my appearance with indifference. I can not recall any more of the dream. Focusing on the girls was a mistake. They may have been a subtle form of guardian. I have learned focusing on anything even mildly erotic in a lucid dream ends the experience for me.

The odd part is that immediately upon waking, I recalled all the names I could not remember in the dreams.

This didn't take long to write-up but when combined with the work place dream and trying to recall the proper names of archangels felt like it really took a quite some time.

Image from http://eg10.estrelaguia.com.br/bin/paginas/139.php

Lucid Dream -- More HGA

Last night I had a lucid dream. I had been waking up a bit tired the last few mornings. So, I told myself I would remember any lucid dreaming I was doing as I fell asleep.

I dreamed that I was in the back of a very long house talking to a drug dealer of Mexican descent. I didn't tell him whatever it was he wanted to hear. I began to walk out of the house. To my right was a young half-naked girl tied up on the couch. I kept walking.

When I was outside the house, I noticed the drug dealers had stolen my car. Interestingly, I knew what my real life car looked like. Normally, the thing I am looking for or have in dreams isn't exactly what I have in real life. I began walking down a street very busy with foot traffic. I was in LA or some place with a high concentration of Mexicans. I was afraid that the drug dealers were following me and where going to try to kill me.

Suddenly, I realized I was afraid and therefore this must be a dream. I drew several earth banishing pentagrams and felt my astral body energize but I didn't will myself to go anywhere. I just felt the buzz of energy. This was very cool in and of itself. Though, I learned something very interesting from that experience but I think that conclusion is best left to those who gain it spontaneously. So, I will refrain from sharing. I woke up briefly and noticed many colorful streaks of light moving across my ceiling. I remembered thinking, is that what everyone sees when they wake up in the night or astral lights? Fully awake, they must have been astral lights.

During my daily chat with my HGA this evening. He decided to clear up some things. He said that when he said I was meant to be X in this lifetime that X had something to teach me that they either chose not to or could not at their stage of development at the time. There is importance in that lesson in this lifetime but there are other ways to learn it. Spirit evocation will not bring this lesson. As for the OTO, there is no harm in joining it but it does not have the specific lesson being discussed here.

Prior to this, he told me that yes compassion was my next lesson but when learned it will only be another beginning. "Compassion," he said, "is not empathizing with someone that is going through something you've experienced but feeling compassion even for people experiencing things other than you have experienced."

Again, I see no reason to disagree.

Miscellaneous

I went into my temple room and held the lamen and simply prayed for a more encompassing relationship wtih my HGA. Almost immediately I saw a golden figure standing on the sun. Since I know this is Crowley's perspective on things, I asked, does that mean I am supposed to be OTO? The answer was no. I finally got the courage to ask, "Am I supposed to be X." The answer was, "That was the plan for this lifetime but with your psychology, I don't know if you'll be able to go back. I will simply wait and see what develops like all your other mentors have done." I asked if he could make me do things. His answer was, "It doesn't work like that." He can interfere to protect me but he can not make me do things but there seemed to be a lot I wasn't understanding. He continued, "Some readers of your blog will understand what I am saying. You won't for a while. I can't share everything at once."

Today, I was sitting on the couch, whining to myself that I am always in pain. Broken foot, bad back, gall bladder, bad back and now a sprained foot. My next thought was "But so many people have it so much worse than I." This is the second time in as many days that I haven't liked something only to realize how many others have it worse. That is a new trend in my thinking. The problem with this growing compassion is that I am now feeling sorry for people I read about in the news that commit horrific crimes. I wonder how badly they out of place they are and what a horrific life they have led to lead them to do these things. Don't get me wrong. I abhor the crimes and think they should be locked up but I feel for them.

I worked on making the flash cards to get those divine names baked into my brain today.

Stoked About Going Sub-Lunar

As those of you know that know me on a local list, will remember my fight with Comcast. In short, they've sent me to collections over $175 that I do not owe. I have been fighting them with conventional means and got to the right person to deal with the issue. This person made me jump through all sorts of pointless hoops. When I accomplished that, I heard nothing. Finally, I sent an email and attached one of my familiars from the Lesser Key.

Today, I finally heard back. Not only is Comcast waiving the bill and sending a note to the collection agency but is sending me a twenty-two dollar refund check! Since every time I send a 'friend' what I ask for seems to happen. I think from now on my approach is going to change.

The first thing I am going to do is follow my HGA's advice to be a better record keeper. Even though that has nothing to do with this or any of the commercial situations that have run aground, I am going to follow his advice. It can't hurt. Secondly, the moment something looks like it is going south, I am sending in the troops. No more waiting for things to work out on their own. These companies have size, experience and inertia on their side. I am going to get "sub-lunar" on their asses real fast. This will even out the playing field. All I ever ask for is an even exchange of currency for goods and services.

Frater POS

Aspiration

Before retiring, I popped into the temple room and asked my HGA what I needed to do. "Aspire, aspire, keep aspiring." The answer may have meant in general terms and over a period of time. Though, I felt it had a greater sense of urgency and immediacy than that. I feel that I am under intense pressure now. That may be the pressure preceding a breakthrough or simply self-imposed emotional junk mail. Either way, I shall continue to aspire. I am under no hardship at all when I look at my brothers and sisters throughout the world. Nor are my small and humble prayers a match for monks and those that have devoted their entire lives to the calling. Yet, some days, it feels hard.

I also worked on my pantacle today.

picture from: http://www.parkenet.org/jp/challenges/aspiration.jpg

A New Goal

I am setting myself a new goal. I am going to burn into my brain the hierarchies of divine names of the sephiro, planets and elements as well as the Hebrew alphabet and its numerical values.

To this you may ask, doesn't he know this already? The answer is yes but I have to think about it. I want to know them so well that I will know them instantly while dreaming, skrying or doing any sort of magick at all. My downtime has increased without a television. I am really going to work at putting it to use rather than being as lazy with the Work as I have been. There is no excuse at this stage not to know them as well as my social security number.