Dreams, Astral Meditation, Pain

Frankly, I have been too medicated to do much but I've been doing it anyway. This is way outside of my cautious nature.

I am the world's most cautious magician. I think things through and 'do them right'. I don't hold my standards of right and wrong to other people's work, just my own. Doing work on this much viciden isn't something I normally do. I don't do magick, if I've been drinking and I don't do any other mind altering substance unless you count Diet Pepsi.

So, why am I doing this now? Because, I am a stubborn Leo. And, I think part of this may be the last vestiges of my nephesch fighting to hold me back. I will not give in. On the other hand, this really hurts. Therefore my only option is the medication.

Why do I feel this is dangerous? first of all, I can't walk well, so I am not moving around my temple doing my Lesser Banishing Rituals of the Pentagram, Banishing Ritual of the Hexagram, Circulation of the Body of Light, First or Second Degree openings. Nothing. I am just sitting in my temple room meditating. Is that dangerous in and of itself? Probably not in that room as it has seen thousands (literally) of such rituals and is pretty well protected. On the other hand, my mind is less focussed due to the medication and the lack of ritual. This may cause problems.

On the other hand, the medications are a form of tranquilizer and that may help with the meditative process in small doses.

Oh my goddess! That gives me three or four hands. And you wonder why I think this is dangerous? My boss will expect more work out of me now.

Last night I did the astral projection meditation as I drifted off to sleep. Having reread the instructions, I realized that I was making my body pure white, not slightly blue as per the directions. When I did this, I could feel the difference. I can't describe it now. Perhaps because of my medicated state but I will make an effort next time. I had also been failing to give the outer circle of light a violet tinge at the edges.

When I dreamed last night, I found myself in a black environment with a pure white statue of a goddess. It was awesome! I bowed down to it like I did when I was a neophyte Wiccan (I am nto Wiccan by any stretch now). A female narrating 'off screen' said, "Why are you doing that?" "Because she is awesome, I do not want her to hurt me." At least that is what I think I said, it as somethigng like that. The voice said something about not needing to worry about that. In waking, the white image was likely my anima. If this is true, it means I may be afraid of my feminine side. Which could be causing my astral projection problems. I will meditate on that when I am off the medication.