Wednesday Night

I did the second degree opening from memory and did fine technically but I was irritated and didn't focus on dropping that before entering circle. I tried to project through the tattwas of fire without success.

Discouraged.

Demon Help

Last night, I asked one of my demons to make sure anything 'scary' in my dreams turned into a dream marker that I'd recognized and switch into a lucid dream. I was chased by two baby elephants and began riding one as it kept leaping into the air and playing with the other one that didn't have me on its back. You'd think that would wake me up, wouldn't you? Nope, not me.

The demon did a good job. I can't blame him.

2nd Degree Opening Plus New Stavish

I have opened the last few days work with the 2nd Degree Opening and have been more than please with the results. It helped create a new way of vibrating during the LBRP which I will keep to myself but has loads of possibilities. I am intrigued. I literally feel bigger and taller. Frankly, the feeling is a bit scary but I like it.

Having re-read Stavish and realizing that I was doing a ritual that was designed to be preliminary as if it was the final ritual to be worked, I have moved on to projecting through a pentagram after doing the big white ball and highlighting each of my body parts as done previously.
This time, I collapsed the light of my body into a point in the center of my chest and willfully pushed that ball through a pent with aleph in its center. I 'saw' the energy 'fly' in an arch through the pend and form 'me' on the other side. My consciousness remained within the physical me. I 'spoke' to the form I created and asked why I my consciousness remained with my physical side. "Because you won't let it go." Gee thanks.

Next time, the pent will be full human size and I will send the whole body of light through it. We'll see.

I am very very happy with the 2nd Degree Opening. The first degree turned the opening into a religious experience. The 2nd Degree seems to add power.

2nd Degree Opening and Question

I did the second degree opening as shown in Greer's book, Circles of Power. Last time, I thought I had it memorized and it was nice but left something to be desired. This time, I just did it straight out of the book. Wow. I thought I liked the first degree opening. The feeling ... well, there are not words...Tonight was one of those nights that marked progress as a magician. Even if the rite was done out of a book the sense of being in another state of consciousness was great. I know I do better when things are memorized. I am looking forward to that day.

The result of the question came through the tarot as interpreted by myself with a couple of words added by my HGA. Basically, the problem is a fear of the loss of individuation. The cure is accepting the consequences of union in advance. So, I vibrated the divine names of Hod eight times and then said a little something in the line of acceptance eight times.

I also asked if the being I encountered last night was Bune. The answer was no but it was related because each being had something to do with commerce. Had I accepted, I would have experienced Bune and entirely different way. Though, it doesn't matter. Bune will be a successful working. My delays just cause delays.

I was really impressed with tonight's work. Many times I am self-effacing in my self-appraisal. This time, I am going to give myself a little credit. That was nice.

On the 30th Path (Lucid Dream)

I haven't slept well of late due to medications. I feel asleep on the couch at seven and transfered to the bed about midnight. I remembered this upon waking at seven in the morning. I had made no effort to lucid dream as I fell asleep.

Lucid dreaming occurred last night in the most unusual fashion. I do not remember the sensation I feel when I travel astrally but I the dream definitely occurred in the 'other'. I was in what I can only describe as a qabalistic or magickal university. Those that have been to the DeYoung in San Francisco would understand the feel of the sprawling buildings.

The dream began during a lecture on the stars as they applied to astrology. Constellations were the focus. Seating consisted of theater style chairs and stairs maybe four rows deep but the lecture hall was very long. A moving starlight sky was easily seen with out looking much up. The screen they moved upon looked much like an observatory show but the dome was only slightly raised before you instead of over your head.

There was a fellow sitting next to me that said if I shook his hand, we could merge minds. I declined, due to my cautious nature and that I knew this fellow wasn't quite human. My gentle refusal made him sad. Looking back, I should have done it. Part of me says this may have been Bune again but I can't say for sure. I will ask my HGA about this dream.

Once the class ended, I patted the professor on the back and complimented the lecture. He returned the pleasantry. I moved on to another room as I thought I wanted to learn of fire but no class was occurring. As I turned from that venue, I wondered into a common area. There were many people sitting, eating and chatting.

During this entire dream I was as lucid as I am now. At one point, I turned to my gal and said, "This is incredible. I've been in this same lucid dream for hours." In fact, it seemed like I could not escape it. From time to time, sexy women would appear. If I fell to their charms, I'd drop out of the dream, they'd disappear and then I'd float back into the dream. There was a definite lesson there in avoiding sensuality on the astral. I've read the warning several times but this time, I've experienced the distraction.

I have no idea what specifics I learned in the class but I feel they are still with me.

I feel I was on the 30th path of the Tree of Life, also known as the Collecting Intelligence. I leave that to the reader to research on his or her own should the mood strike.

Mondy Night Dreams -- PAN! and Great Hieghts

I am working on a government campus for former Speaker of the House Tip O'Niel. Only now, he is a senator. My job is no job. I had transferred in sometime ago from a government clerical job and have no assigned duties. Everyone knows I work there but I do nothing. From what I gather, I show up to work every day but after that, I just wander around. I feel bad about that but no one else seems to care. I feel dejected or, at best, not useful.

I have been there for quite some time waiting for someone (whose name I knew in the dream) to check out a job listing that was under someone else's name (which I knew in dreamland too). I had literally been waiting for months to show her the job listing. She showed up but I wasn't aware of it. She showed up and a recently promoted person found her and brought her by the office lamenting that the first person that found her had done something wrong (not I) and that she found this woman applicant laying down before the sign that posted the information about the job. The applicant/now new hire asked the senior person what she'd be paid. She said, somewhat less that $8.18 and hour, which was my salary. If I pay you more than that, I'd expect a lot of work out of you.

Note: 8+1+8 = 17 1+7 = 8 Hod. The sephira I was close to but not permitted to enter in my astral experience. I can not recall remembering numbers in my dreams before the last few weeks.

I see my ex-wife in the same office and we acknowledge each other but say nothing. The new hire asks if we know each other. I explain the relationship and she says, "Oh." like it is a big problem and I indicate it isn't.

At lunch time folks are outside in a grassy area and someone kicks a soccer ball incredible high and we watch with awe. Someone else kicks a ball toward my ex and she kicks it back like she knows what she is doing. Everyone was impressed.

Later a group of us are in a tractor trailer, minus the tractor, with the Senator having a riotous good time. There are people on the outside trying to flip it over. My gal showed up and I told her, as we all were busting up, Sorry this is a project for the Senator. Very hush hush. Very important. She left. Someone attacked the trailer with a long pole for leverage. I think I came close to physically laughing while I was dreaming. I can not recall laughing in any dream I've ever had.

It turns out the tractor flipping and the soccer play was preparation for some sort of competition.

Next Dream

I am with my real life coworker after we've been told we are going on a business trip. The trip is going to take us to the Midwest and near the baseball hall of fame. In real life, that isn't possible but work with me. He is trying to convince me to ditch the meetings and go to the Hall of Fame and states he will go without me, if I don't go. Suddenly, I am in the Midwest, driving my old green Saturn, through a mountainous area. The landscape seems like it is past the timberline but I can still see some trees and my feeling is that the flat lands are very close. I see this huge and beautiful buck in a clearing. The horns were so long that they turned to etheric pin points, almost like a string of light in a wondrous crescent shape. Without warning, another buck is very close. He starts chasing my car. I am very concerned with his behavior. I am worried he will ram my car, which would not be good on unfamiliar mountain roads. Though, the buck never really threatens. I though am afraid. The first big beautiful buck comes running towards us. I feel he is trying to protect me.

The image of that big beautiful buck, not to mention those crescent horns fading off to so high, will remain with me for some time. Could that buck have been some version of Pan? It seemed so real. More real than that of which I was afraid.

I did the second degree opening from Greer's book Circles of Power for the first time without notes. I felt the angels' presence more than in any other opening I have ever done. The feeling was so shocking that it created a momentary feeling of fear, which it really wasn't.

I wasn't sure if I did everything in the proper order, as outlined in the book, but I loved the feeling of the circle. So, I really didn't care.

I did the Stavish ball of light meditation with nothing spectacular to report.

Upon closing each one of the archangels said that if I got the order right, I'd really see them. I also heard a message not to give up. I am never sure how to take messages like that. Correcting the ritual is one thing. Personal messages of encouragement doesn't seem like an ego message but it is close to one. I suppose I will take it with a grain of salt and continue.

No Work Today

No work today. I am in pain and cranky. This is not conducive to Work.

However, last night I was torn about trying the lucid dreaming again. I have been so strung out on pain killers and lack of sleep for normal reasons that stressing my body didn't seem like a good idea. I wanted to lucid dream anyway. So, at first I decided not to try. Then, I opened the portal and could feel its effects. Then, I closed it again. Wishy washy and magick don't mix. So, I stopped there.

Tuesday Meditations

I am still very sore and on medications.

I did the Stavish meditation that involves placing oneself in a while sphere and then making your body parts glow in that soft bluish white.

When I tried to project, I saw the magician from the Rider-Waite deck. The yellow hat, in the shape of the infinity symbol or Mobius loop, was oversized. The hat was so large it should have been floppy, but was not. . He stood on the opposite side of my altar. He was very stiff, just as if someone made a cardboard cut-out of the card.

Note: I made no effort to enliven him. That may have been a mistake. Perhaps I should have tried to get my consciousness within him.

Instead, I moved him over me and tried to rise in the planes. I saw the four kerubs, the moon temple, an arrow and then the sun. I stayed there and someone put a chalice in my hands which were over my head. The chalice glowed bright yellow and, it seemed to me, too much self-glorification. I put the cup aside and felt myself rise again.

The only place to rise from Tipereth is towards the abyss. I have no illusions that I am anywhere near that stage but I followed the meditation. At this point, my HGA had something to say. “You are above where you think you are but not where you think you are.” Gee, thanks. I think this meant that I was above ‘normal Assiah’ or what others may call consensus reality but below the abyss. I strained to get out of my body. Then, I relaxed. I am not sure how to say this clearly but I felt something of spirit, warm and peaceful. “The key is your Ruach.” I immediately thought of the personality as defined by the qabala. The Ruach consists of the spheres Chesed to Yesod. My mind contemplated how my personality could have anything to do with astral travel. “Your spirit” my HGA said. He then added something else I can’t recall. I kept thinking in this vein until another meaning of Ruach came to mind. Ruach is air. My HGA was trying to tell me my breath was important.

I began the four-fold breath. This consists of inhaling to a count of four, holding for a count of four, exhaling and then holding for the same count. This I did. I counted for some time. Then, my mind began to wonder and I was instructed to place close attention to the breath as I counted. I did. As I did the exercise, I felt tension in my body. I knew, without being told, this was because during the pauses I was holding my breath with my throat. The trick is to not-breath by maintaining muscular control of the diaphragm, not the throat.

Note: This makes sense if there is a psychic center at the throat. Closing off the throat may impact that center.

I tried this but that is more difficult than it sounds, especially when one has expelled all the air.

At some point in all this I saw a female ear with many earrings that alternated between red and blue. (Regular readers may have spotted a color theme in my meditations). I thought, “This is the qabalistic bride.” Of course, I have no idea if it was or why she would have appeared just then.

As the breathing continued, I realized Ruach also means spirit. No sooner that thought occurred than I saw Keter above me. As I inhaled Keter dropped into my chest filling it with light. As I exhaled, I gave Keter back to the universe. This was a very relaxing meditation.

At some point, I was given a clue as to a past life that leads to double-standard I’ve mentioned in a previous post. I am going to hold of on revealing that for a couple of reasons. The first reason is because it is most likely an ego trip. The second reason is that it is a relatively famous person in occult circles, which makes it even more likely to be an ego trip. And no, dear reader, it was not Crowley.

Some Analysis of Last Night

I had originally thought that I was in yesod as I was in a dream. I think that was incorrect or the initial stages of dreaming is some sort of sub-Yesod. The reason for that thinking is that spider-eagle thing I encountered in Hod was likely the guardian of Hod and I was in some sort of antechamber. Had I given the guardian the choir name or some other name or appropriate 'object', I would have been admitted to Hod. As it was, I was politely shown the door.

So, had I hit Yesod proper, I would have encountered the appropriate guardian there as well. I thought it interesting as I feel asleep last night for the final time that I felt myself going astral again. I had to willfully close the veil to get to sleep.

At any rate, this is a huge step in the right direction. I am quite pleased. I have several goals now.

1. Do this consistently and enter the lower sephira an a regular basis
2. In so doing, understand the difference between a sephira and a planetary sphere
3. Learn to do the same from a waking state as opposed to starting in a dream state
4. Create the body of light. That ought to take a while.

HOLY COW SUCCESS!!

It is now 1:58 AM. I have been lucid dreaming since my last post. WOW. The dream took place in a hotel that I've been in many times before dream land. I am going to spare myself typing all the details at this hour as I need to sleep.

The dream had a theme of being in this hotel with abysmal service and me ranting about how bad it was. Then, I'd remember I was dreaming wake up and do things. It wasn't so much what I did, it is that I did them. Everything that happened occurred because I willed it in the dream! But the best part is...

I figured I was in Yesod. So, after doing whatever I wanted got old and I knew the dream was about to end, I said, I wonder where Hod is? I huge circular door way opened with much noise and to do. I went to it and it was a narrow tunnel that smelled of smoke and sulfur. I went in an got sucked up the tube. I immediately regretted it. I found it hard to breath. I wondered if I could turn around. I wanted to. Then, in a very short time, I was in Hod. Everything was orange, even my red shirt was orange. I arrived in some sort of room. I odd linear form, either a cube or a three dimensional octagon (I think it was cube) floated straight through the wall. I never stopped going up. I tried to go back up but up became down, left became behind. Disorientated doesn't describe it. I vibrated the god name for Yesod and then the arch angelic name. I got my bearings immediately and found myself in a dilapidated home. This is where I noticed my shirt was orange. I walked into a door and it shut behind me. When I turned around, it was merely one of eight doors! I had no idea which one I came in through.

One of them had very bad sounds coming from behind it. By bad, I mean they belonged to a huge creature of some sort. The others were quiet. I went to the bad door. I found myself in what looked like a shower and latrine area. I could see under the door in the bathroom section. . I backed out of the room. The guardian came with me. Walking backwards I tripped over and landed on the couch. The guardian was part and part . It hooked my right ring finger with a hook it had on its leg. This thing was scary. Then I said, "I know you!" He said, "Yes!" and his attitude changed from threatening to friendly. I said, "I am very sorry but I don't have my notes with me. I know I've seen you when I meditated but I can't quite remember everything" He got sad and the dream just faded away. As I type there is a red spot that encompasses the entire knuckle on my right ring finger where he hooked me.

Frankly, I am glad I didn't have to go down that shoot again.

Wow. Holy Cow. Wow. That was fun. It was an E Ticket ride.

Fascinating

Tonight when I went to bed, I remembered my last semi-success with lucid dreaming and repeated the formula. I lined up my demons at my feet and my HGA above me and whispered the words the open the veil, paroketh. I felt the gates open. All the chakras in the center column opened briefly, I affirmed this is what I wanted, and then I felt my body close them and its fear. The distinction here is important. My body closed them. I did not. Not only did I feel the psychic centers open. I felt my body, as an independent entity, close them. Fascinating. I have no fear of going astral. My body has a fear of letting me go.

We've been playing this game all night. I can not sleep. My back is killing me but I may have been able to fall asleep anyway were in not for the distraction of this game. Gateway open, gateway close.

Saturday Night Dreams Cartoon Characters!

I am in my work office and there is an odd grid map on the floor. I hear a narrator say, "If a magician buys a house in this economy, he needs to..." and the map would zoom in and zoom out but it wasn't much more than a grid. I have no idea what the rest of that sentence was. Though, it sounds important to me. How come I can't remember the helpful parts in so many dreams?(Note: I own a home and have no plans to buy something else. However, this may be referring to something that is currently Hermetically sealed. I could see where the word house could apply.)

I remember is something being said about having fun. I have a water balloon and I am telling my mentor about it but that is a 'flash-forward. It feels like I am telling him about my current dream and the water balloon specifically but the conversation is behind held in the future. I feels like reverse deja vu. I tell him, "I have a holy hand grenade to use in my dreams." (Note: I assume this is an illusion to purification by water.) He asks me if I was prepared to use it, and I said yes.

Immediately, cut to Fred Flintstone who says, "Well, I will have a huge Yabba Dabba Do to that!" Cut to a hole in the ground. The Tasmanian Devil pops out only he is larger than normal. He is holding his tail (yes I know he only has a stub in the cartoons) but this one is long and part of it is red and throbbing. The "camera" zooms in to a close up of the injured portion. He says something pleasant to me and I say something pleasant to him.

Cut to me at work in the "MC" building. I am walking out but holding a water balloon that is big and very floppy. It is hard to hold on to. It is tied to a string that is over my shoulder. There was a smaller water balloon attached to it sometimes but not at other times.

I notice an email from my boss to me on one of the computers in a group area. PCs in common areas are not normally allowed due to privacy concerns. I respond to it but then realize it couldn't have been to me because I wasn't logged on to a pc in that building. It was someone else's log on. This persons name was very close to my boss's name and I could read it quite clearly in the dream. I choose not to hear because I am not about to publish my bosses name here. I looked for the Email I sent but could not find it in the sent folder. (Note: I think it is cool that I actually operated a PC in my dream the same way I would in 'real life'. I used a mouse and I could read the screen.) As I left, I saw the person who was logged onto the pc in a therapy session as a counselor with two other counselors and a client. They were happy because the client needed money to buy a house and they found the last little bit of it by balancing her checkbook. Again, it is out of procedure to hold meetings with clients in public areas out of concerns for privacy.

I leave the office holding the water balloons and walk to another modular building closely followed by a parent and child, both clients, of the services my government department provides. I have a string in my way that I can't see and have to dodge it a bit. I go into the office, which is really cramped, old and weird. I tell the people that are following me, whom I haven't acknowledged until this point that visitors go into the door to our right.

I move to the left.

This is the second or third time I have had a dream about that particular office configuration but I couldn't tell you if they were all tonight or not.

I also remember wearing a piece of cardboard as a hat. It was almost like a cardboard tray you'd get fast food with but not quite. I thought, why do I always wear this when I do this particular job? I take off the hat, examine it. Realize it is a fast food tray like thing and wonder if I look crazy to other people for wearing this? Then I wonder if I am crazy or eccentric. Then the dream continued. I know I have recently dreamed of the cardboard hat before and I don't think it was tonight. It may be one of those things I dream of often but don't remember.

Saturday Meditation Work

My back is a bit better. I am still on vicodin but less.

I performed the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, Banishing Ritual of the Hexagram, the Middle Pillar, the Circulation of the body of light, the 1^st Degree temple opening and asked my HGA for assistance. My concentration on the above was a bit questionable. Though, actually doing the ritual work felt good.

I spent a good deal of time on the meditation. The sphere around me had a nice violent edge and my body glowed brightly white with a soft blue hue. I willed myself to project and perhaps got a small feeling of movement – nothing substantial.

So, I sat there and repeated a mantra. “I am grateful for and comforted by the safe space that is around me.” I am not sure how long I did this. I had the urge to look up and above me was a huge temple. The walls were transparent so I could see the night sky. A crescent moon rested on the top, making me thing it was mosque but I don’t think it was. I willed myself to rise and, looking down, saw the floor fall away.

I saw an elephant, a symbol of Yesod. Then an arrow came into view, a symbol of the path of samekh that connects Yesod to Tipereth. The arrow tip broke and spilled bright white light and I slowly sank back down.

Some would see the word rising and take this to mean astral projection. I don’t. When I do this it is more like watching a movie with changing scenery. I am still well within my body.

I felt very much at peace even as I was aware of another failed attempt.I am discouraged but this is what separates the dreamers from the doers. The dreamers give up when more effort is required. I will not give up.

Friday Night Dreams

I dreamed I was at a Dodger game with my sister and a male friend. I know that I know the person in real life but I can’t recall who the person was even though the rest of the dream was clear. While we live several hours away from the real Dodger Stadium, in the dream it was very close to our homes. This felt like a new development in our lives. I am not sure how I knew that as it wasn’t stated. It was a feeling. (Note: having such a feeling in the dream seems to be a new sense of dream awareness.) She asked if I was going to go games regularly on Saturday nights and I said that may interfere with my dating. (Note to my gal: No, I am NOT planning on dating

anyone else.)

Next Dream

I was in some sort of TV show. The judge from Night Court (Harry Anderson), Mac (the black guy on the show) and some others I didn’t recognize. They were having some sort of heartfelt meeting about how they treat each other. Someone mentioned my real life coworker E as being very unforgiving of anyone that called in sick. She hadn’t realized it. (Note: In real life, I’ve called in sick most of this week due to my back pain). Two actors that played characters representing new employees apologized for the way they had acted. One of them used a very odd term I should remember, “Super nit” or something like that. Basically one person said I am a ‘nit’ for behaving that way. A woman said, “I must be a super nit because everyone here has treated me so well and I have…”

Next Dream

I was in a very wealthy house. I watched as some ruthless drug dealer like person set someone up to be attacked by a very well-trained vicious dog. Then, I am walking in the house with someone who was unaware the dog had just killed a bear in the living room. Cut to a scene where the guy that played the president on West Wing, Martin Sheen, is sitting behind a huge oak desk. There are papers all over the desk. A person walks in who is just learned some news, “You need to finally learn the truth about your father,” says the Mr. Sheen and begins to fiddle with papers on his desk looking for documents he just had a moment ago (that part is much like myself). Suddenly, he starts shouting at folks, talking on the phone and giving orders, “General, I am taking this country to war.” At this point, I become a household servant that these power brokers are quite comfortable around. I am asked to make coffee for a female and a few other things. I have no problem doing these things.

I was woken up by my phone ringing at 2:30 in the morning in the middle of this one. I am now going back to bed.

Next dream

I was in my friend’s kitchen. It wasn’t quite his real life kitchen but close enough. This is a person that used to run a coven I was in as a neophyte. The situation went really badly and created a lot of animosity for quite some time. Regardless, he was telling me that he wants this years ‘party’ of new neophtyes to his religion to be screened because last time he did the welcome speech most of the folks weren’t really in the tradition. He said it was up to ‘us’, meaning he and his new wife, to make that call. I said, isn’t anyone that is cooked into the tradition really in, regardless of who cooked them, and he agreed but looked confused at me making that point.

Next Dream

The next dream began with me leaving a shopping area. A bus was waiting to take shoppers home. I’ve had that portion of the dream before but only remembered that as I type this the next morning. As I sat down, I noticed that they have computers at each seat for folks to keep themselves entertained during the bus ride. The one at the seat next to me was still on. I turned it off and these tickets charging me for the computer time were printed and appeared from a very small printer attached to the side of the bus next to my seat. For tickets appeared. I waited for them to finish printing, tore them off and gave them to the bus driver and explained what happened. In the dream, I could read the amounts of the tickets and add them up. I can’t remember the total but it was over a hundred dollars. The driver said that he’d tell “Rick” about this but he’d have to assume they were mine. I looked at him like he was a nut because he saw me get on the bus only minutes before. Some other passengers objected as well.

Discouraged

I went to the doc today, expecting nothing but more pills. I had enough already but my work makes you go if you call in sick more than three days in a row. The PA made some slight adjustment which made it temporarily hurt more but it now seems much better.

So, on less medications, I do the astral meditation again. Nothing special to report. I am feeling discouraged and wondered if I put enough time into the meditation. Next time, I will time things and see how long I meditate.

Sounds

Something odd has been occurring. I've noticed this as I have gone to sleep the last few days and sometimes when I've been sitting a rounding relaxing. I even recorded it once in a dream not long ago. I am hearing things. Very audible things. These don't sound like voices that could be made up. These sounds like genuine external sounds. The dream-like portion is that they make no sense. Just a few minutes ago, I heard a radio news talk show about the New York Times. They said it would be a much better paper with Ralph Nader as editor. As I drifted off to sleep last night, I heard drums, knocks and all sorts of percussive sounds. I think I read somewhere that is a sign of going astral.

At any rate, I thought it worth recording.

Dreams, Astral Meditation, Pain

Frankly, I have been too medicated to do much but I've been doing it anyway. This is way outside of my cautious nature.

I am the world's most cautious magician. I think things through and 'do them right'. I don't hold my standards of right and wrong to other people's work, just my own. Doing work on this much viciden isn't something I normally do. I don't do magick, if I've been drinking and I don't do any other mind altering substance unless you count Diet Pepsi.

So, why am I doing this now? Because, I am a stubborn Leo. And, I think part of this may be the last vestiges of my nephesch fighting to hold me back. I will not give in. On the other hand, this really hurts. Therefore my only option is the medication.

Why do I feel this is dangerous? first of all, I can't walk well, so I am not moving around my temple doing my Lesser Banishing Rituals of the Pentagram, Banishing Ritual of the Hexagram, Circulation of the Body of Light, First or Second Degree openings. Nothing. I am just sitting in my temple room meditating. Is that dangerous in and of itself? Probably not in that room as it has seen thousands (literally) of such rituals and is pretty well protected. On the other hand, my mind is less focussed due to the medication and the lack of ritual. This may cause problems.

On the other hand, the medications are a form of tranquilizer and that may help with the meditative process in small doses.

Oh my goddess! That gives me three or four hands. And you wonder why I think this is dangerous? My boss will expect more work out of me now.

Last night I did the astral projection meditation as I drifted off to sleep. Having reread the instructions, I realized that I was making my body pure white, not slightly blue as per the directions. When I did this, I could feel the difference. I can't describe it now. Perhaps because of my medicated state but I will make an effort next time. I had also been failing to give the outer circle of light a violet tinge at the edges.

When I dreamed last night, I found myself in a black environment with a pure white statue of a goddess. It was awesome! I bowed down to it like I did when I was a neophyte Wiccan (I am nto Wiccan by any stretch now). A female narrating 'off screen' said, "Why are you doing that?" "Because she is awesome, I do not want her to hurt me." At least that is what I think I said, it as somethigng like that. The voice said something about not needing to worry about that. In waking, the white image was likely my anima. If this is true, it means I may be afraid of my feminine side. Which could be causing my astral projection problems. I will meditate on that when I am off the medication.

Pain and Dreams

I have been in a good amount of pain the last few days. Today, it is mind numbing. Things are bad enough that my gal had to dress me.

I have had back pain for quite a while now. Years. Every test known to man says there is nothing wrong. A fellow by the name of Dr. Sarno says back pain is physically real but the cause is how we deal with stress. So, I went to a shrink.

The shrink, who is magick friendly big time, helped me find a spirit that caused the issue. I got rid of said spirit and was vine for four and a half months. I was more pain free in that time than I have been in five years. It started to come back as I did the Stavish meditations. The shrink said the problem isn't psychological at this point. Her theory is that I have a spiritual block. So, when I raise energy the block bottles up the energy and I live in pain. She predicted a huge spiritual break-through coming soon that would solve the problem. I hope she is right.

Things got much worse since starting the astral meditations such as the one reported yesterday. This would seem to verify here theory of an astral energy blockage causing the problem. Any reasonable man would stop at this point and get out of pain.

I am a Leo. We are not reasonable. I will gain this skill and I will work through the pain. It is that simple.

Please, if someone is reading this and thinking of sending me 'light' or 'healing' or anything like that, I thank you for your compassion, but please don't. This is my challenge and it is for me to overcome.

I am did the astral projection meditation tonight. This involves the visualization of a sphere of bright white light around oneself and making it as solid and tangible as possible. Then on each intake of breath, drawing that light into a body part until it glows with light. You are supposed to start with the left foot, move to the right, left lower leg, right lower leg etc. Eventually, one's enitre body, including internal organs should glow. At this point, one is supposed to externalize one's consciousness by pushing it through Tipereth (solar plexus).

Today, I immediately noticed that my left foot had the big toe on the wrong side. When did my right it was correct. Astrally, I had two right feet! Then two right legs. After that it straightened itself out and my body parts were correct again. At least until I got to my hands and my left hand was a right hand.

When I projected outward, I do not feel I exteriorized my awareness. However, I did see a lot of greenery. My temple room was covered in vines that seemed to grow out of my altar. I noticed a four pillar structure covering a statue of a woman. The architecture looked Greek. As soon as I saw that I thought "Netzach but there should be more pillars." The vision changed to a virtual forest of pillars. I thought, this must be lower astral to be that malleable. The scene normalized a bit. I saw tarnished copper men on tarnished copper horses racing through the area firing old fashioned musket-type weapons at me. The musket balls seemed very heavy as they whizzed past me. The balls were very tangible. I felt no fear but realized this could be problematic. I vibrated the Enochian god names for earth. Foolish. I then used those for fire (Netzach) and the men and horses fled. I was then able to walk under hanging vines and beauty.

I placed some flowers near the statue and was told that the tarnished men were my old challenges that I have overcome. All I need to do now is let them go.

My awareness shifted back to my temple room. I could briefly see my temple room, living room and part of the kitchen.

End of meditation.

I feel a great deal of pressure in my head at the moment to the rear right. Aside from that I felt calm afterwards by my heart rate is now increasing and I feel hungry. That is not normal for this time of night.

Shared Dream?

Tonight (it is 12:40 or so as I write Tuesday night) I dreamed that my mentor and I were on the phone. He was trying to communicate something to me but volume was low and there was this odd echo. I commented about this to him and he looked at his iphone and started poking buttons. I have no idea how I know he did that as I was in a different room in a different house. Regardless, I said, "No T, you're dreaming" a couple of times and he said something like "Wow, you're right, I am dreaming. Nice job.." And went on to explain the an event in May was canceled. Initially I was fine with that but for some reason started giving him a hard time. He patiently explained (the rest must be edited)

I have an email out to him asking him if we shared that dream. I doubt he'll read it in time to rememebr as he has been quite busy. The odd part here is that in reading Stavish last night, he advised to make a simple statement of intent about where you wanted to go that night. My statement involved going to my temple. I landed my mentor. In the fuzzy world of the astral, that is close.

Motto Change

When I started this blog, I chose the name Frater Bonehead. For those of you that don't know, ceremonial magicians refer to each other in the Latin for brother or sister. The bonehead part was a bit of a private joke and an indication of both humility and to point out, despite the arrogance of blogging about daily work, that I realize I make mistakes and am at times a bit boneheaded.

However, when I see other people use it, I don't like it much. Degrading isn't the right word. But it belies the fact that I work hard at this sort of thing and have had some good success in the Work both magickally and spiritually.

Magicians choose a motto to define their work, what they seek or their magickal path. I have therefor chosen Frater Perceptum Operor Servo, Learn Do Serve. Not only does this fit my magickal philosophy in general it is apropos to this blog. Part of the purpose of this blog is to serve by giving beginners a glimpse into the antics of a working magician, as so many have no idea where to even start or assume they have to actually know something before getting started. Service also includes sparking some ideas within the minds of the more experienced folks. Lastly, those that don't work magickally can learn what we really do. Hopefully, it will bridge a culture gap.

I also find it amusing that POS is also an acronym for Point of Service. Which describes this blog as well.

Frater POS
(the magician formerly known as bonehead)

Stavish's book also gives instruction on astral projection. I begab working on these exercises tonight.

The first exercise involves visualizing a white ball of light surrounding oneself with a twelve foot diameter. The instructions say a six foot radius. I find the unstated number game here to be amusing. Six is the number of tipereth, the central sphere of the tree of life. Earlier in the book he argues this is where true magickal powers exist. Twelve is the number of astrological signs and therefore encompasses the entire universe. Six plus twelve is eighteen. Eight plus one is nine, the number of yesod, the first of the astral realms. But, I digress.

Once one is in the ball of light, one needs to make it as solid as possible. Then, on the inhale, feel the light enter the nostrils and enliven the left foot. When I did this, I saw my foot to be alabaster white with a little 'black light' tinge around the outside. The procedure is repeated with the right foot and so on, alternating up the body. The visualization includes the internal organs.

Once this is done, you're supposed to project your consciousness out of tipereth. I did this but all I achieved was seeing an alabaster white version of me standing in front of me. Upon reabsorption of that, I was surrounded by child vampire spirits. I have seen these in deep meditation before but they never bother me. They talk amongst themselves. I started looking for Enochian names of god to banish them with. One of the said, "If he guesses the right one..." and they departed. Next time, I will do an LBRP, BRH and maybe even a MP first. Heck, I may even do the second degree opening.

At one point in the meditation I felt an odd energy on the left side of my head. Strong enough that it pushed my head a bit to the right. Stavish warned of this and said it is normal. The feeling was so tangible, I don't think this occurred due to the suggestion.

Expect regular posts on this topic.

May those that read this, experience peace profound and perfect happiness.

I encourage you all to begin your own personal work to discovering your soul. There is no greater adventure.

Fr BH

Suicide and Dreams

I did dream last night but I was too lazy this morning to get up and write them out. However, I will fill in what I remember.

I had a dream where I was at a meeting with the head of my department. She was at the head of a very long table. I was at the opposite end. She declared that anyone that made a typo would have to fill out a sixteen page form. Naturally, I made some smart-ass comment. She heard it but said nothing.

Note: The symbolism of this dream is obvious. My boss is unreachable and that makes me feel pretty useless in the scheme of things. What may be less obvious to some is sixteen. One plus six equals seven. The qabalistic number of Venus and Netzach. Netzach is sometimes translated as desire. This represents my desire to get out.

In another dream, I was in the armed forces in the desert. This scene likely occurred because a military friend of mine dropped by last night. We became quickly surrounded by men in desert clothing wearing white turbans. Someone said, "Looks like they win this one." We began firing in a lost cause. I hit a group of their children. Once the closed in, I killed myself.

The odd part of this is that over the last year, I've killed myself a lot in my dreams. This disproves the adage that if you die in your dreams you die in real life. I am in no way suicidal in real life. So don't freak out. I am wondering if this is a reflection of the path of Nun between Netzach and Tipereth.

I think it is interesting that I can remember this much at this late time. It is almost time to go back to bed.

Small Revelation

When I started upon this path, I had a talent for reading tarot cards. As I moved up the initiatory chain, that talent or at the very least my interest, faded away. Today, I was thinking of enlivening my cards through an evocation. Then the thought struck me. It isn't that I have a talent at reading cards. My talent is listening.

There is already a spirit of the tarot, a spirit of me, a spirit of the universe, a spirit of each tree, a spirit of each animal. I can hear the words of the spirits but more importantly I am willing to listen. More importantly still, I do not feel that I am bound to do what the say. I listen critically and retain my own capacity for making decisions. I retain responsibility.

A Native American once told me during a difficult period in my life, "You can be the man you want to be because you listen." Those words suddenly have a different meaning.

Saturday Night's dreams

I only remember one dream. I can't remember what I did but I had committed some crime and was likely to go to jail for it but I was still at home. Someone knocked on the door. (Note: It would be interesting to know how many knocks.) It was a police officer who arrested me again for reasons that made no sense. He drove me to the police station at let me sit in the front seat of the car. We chatted and went through the booking procedure. Which was odd in the fact there was no mug shot or fingerprinting. The officers were talking and laughing with me but put me in jail anyway.

Authority figures are often dream representations of one's HGA. I am not sure what so many of them in one dream may mean. Being arrested is certainly restrictive and restriction is definitely an attribute of Saturn (Saturday).

Friday Night Dreaming

Sleep came so fast last night that I couldn't focus before I nodded off. I thought of it. I tried.

I do not remember much of dreaming last night except a tidbit about playing pinnacle with my sister and her husband. I assume the fourth was my gal but I don't recall seeing her. The cards in pinnacle are only face cards, aces and tens. There are four of each card per suit. My sister had dealt way too many cards as normal cards were included. She started the bidding process before I had my hand sorted out but since I had all four access of diamonds, I said, "I can beat her with just the cards I can see now."

The ace of diamonds would be analogous to the ace of wands. Having all four access would seem to be a confirmation dream concerning my state of fire. Holding all four could mean I have mastered the current lessons in all four qabalistic worlds (unlikely) or that I hold the keys to the four aspects of microcosmic fire from my tradition (More likely). Though, I tend to think that I have mastered the current lessons of the latter. I am sure there are more to come.

The Will in a Straight Line

I will post more on placing the Will in a straight line and how anything that deviates from that line is a black magick. Well, maybe not that last part. Anything that deviates from that line creates needless barriers to divine.

But today, I share this link. It comes from a tradition mostly different than mine. This is a bit long but worth the read. I give you the controversial Reverend Wright and the Audacity of Hope.

Thursday Success!

Last night, as I lay down to sleep, I thought that I'd use the 'thyroid method' in Stavish's book rather than the blue-black ball at the nape of the neck. Sometimes, I had trouble with the nape of the neck visualizations but that wasn't going to be a problem with the thyroid. That exercise consisted of a red color at the throat. I visualized the red circle with a yellow kerub symbol of air (Aquarius) flat, instead of spheroid. This may have come into play later.

I also asked my HGA to help me to lucid dream. I then had an odd idea to place my HGA above my head and my Goetic familiars beneath my feet.

I willed them to line up in a manner conducive to the 'one straight line' of will idea. This idea came through Lon DuQuette in a private talk a few weeks back. It is likely he was applying a Crowleyism about the will of the magician being one straight line. Anything that deviates from that line, Crowley said, is black magick. Lon had told me to work with the spirits in such a manner that they offered energy to me, the same way I offered energy to the Goddess. I think this shows a hierarchal link but more importantly creates that straight line of will. That way, the magician and his familiars are working in concert. When you don't have these things aligned, life is much like driving a car with poor alignment. One finds oneself always trying to fade to the left. Add a sticky right break and the challenge is obviously magnified. Yet isn't that how so many live their lives, fighting themselves, knowing they want to go in a straight line only to end up going off-road with embarrassing frequency?

Having done the Work, I feel the elemental cross is becoming well established, which thwarts many an off-road experience.

Last night, I had also began studying the second degree opening outlined in John Michael Greer's Circles of Power. Part of that ritual opening the veil by the word Paroketh. I said that portion or variations of that often last night as sleep did not come easy. I have a medical issue that causes me to take viciden that from time to time interferes with the sleeping process. Having been on and off them for quite a while, I know they don't cause what I experienced last night.

The dream began with my gal getting out of bed. Unusually, I got up too, pulled on a pair of pants and realized that was odd, even more so as they were dockers, which I normally wouldn't put on in the middle of the night. As I looked down the hallway toward my office and the suspected location of my gal, I saw a female figure hustle down the hall toward me and then make a quick right toward the living room area of my home. I recognized the woman as my friend K but I also saw that it wasn't her. She had no body but was partially made of astral light and partially had no visible existence. At this point, I heard my gal on the phone speaking quite loudly. In dreams, I normally know what people are saying but they don't normally sound like real-life speaking.

I turned toward the living room to find out what K was doing there at that time of night and found myself to have skimmed the earth rather than walking. I called out to my gal to tell her I was 'flying' in real life unlike in my dreams. At that point, I had full realization that I was both dreaming and very astral, at least for me. I thought, "God, " and began to fly up. Then I remembered my plan was to see my HGA. So, I thought, I will go see my HGA. I continued to rise out of the building. Then I immediately did a loop and landed right back where I started. (Note: Was that due to the circle being flat?) Only this room had wood floors and was very small. There was a rug on the floor and very little room to maneuver. Something small and blue hid in a corner. I tried to get a closer look at the creature. I have no idea what it was and do not remember the shape.

I left the room and went back to a less-lucid state and explained to my gal what happened in "real life." She was amused. She was holding a squirt bottle of water mixed with cleaning solution. The cat, the same cat that lives with us mundanely, stared very intently at something we couldn't see. I mentioned that my gal should spray the water as a sort of etheric cleanser. Then, with a greater feeling of lucidity, I said not to because the water was mixed with cleaning solution. I had no desire to harm whatever the cat had pointed out.

The dream ended there. I may have forgotten it except at just that moment, my gal rolled over and it woke me just enough to realize I had experienced a lucid dream.

I note this happened on a Thursday - Jupiter's day. The water bottle and the creature were both blue and beside from the rug, were the only colors I took specific note of. Jupiter is a planet of expansion and this was certainly an expansive step on my path to lucid dreaming. Odd, I was planning on posting today about being a tad bit discouraged by my results so far.

Wednesday Dreams and Commentary

Wednesday's dreams were not remembered, with the exception of something to do with me typing on a typewriter. Typewriters, as a form of communication, have something to do with air and Mercury. These, in turn, are related to the kerub of air (obviously) that I have been placing within the blue-black ball and Wednesday respectively.

The fiery gals from the previous night's dream may be reflective of my state of awareness of fire. I am aware of my fire issues but are relatively bored with them at the moment.

I am curious why these earthquakes in Nevada are not causing me to act. For those of you unaware, a small town near Reno -- Mogul, Nevada -- is experiences very unusual seismic activity. Earthquakes are occurring there at the rate of 50 a day and increasing in magnitude. Science has never seen anything like that and can not offer explanations or predictions. If I lived in Reno or this small town, I'd have left. Something is amiss.

If these earthquakes continue at this rate, a huge disaster is in the offing. Since no one can predict the scope of said disaster, it would seem prudent to have some water, foodstuffs and cash on hand. I am doing none of that. Am I in denial or am I just aware that it is very unlikely that a series of earthquakes is extraordinarily unlikely to build to the point that effects myself or transportation of goods and services and/or the economy?