Some Results Yesterday

Today I am focusing on writing the book.

However, I need to record that yesterday I had a person break through of sorts with a personal trauma. I see an event from a perspective 180 degrees differently than before. While that is still 'unreal', like any move  between polar opposite points must be, the perspective is very positive instead of very negative. I am not at the balance point of the continuum but this is a much better and internally healthy place to be.

Also, once again I did the Manifestation Meditation for a third party. Once again immediate impact occurred. This time it was at the emotional level. A series of small breakthroughs occurred within an hour or so.

I am becoming a healer.

Manifestation Meditation Meets Theosophy?

Noam Chomsky points out that the standard for war crimes at  Nuremberg was any action they Germans committed that we did not. For instance, bombing civilians and submarine warfare was not as the U.S. did the same thing. The opening of the dikes in Holland was considered a war crime. Three years later, the US bombing of dams which caused much greater hardship and death was considered to be quite the accomplishment. My note: Stop for a moment and think of what bombing damns does to a people largely fed by rice.

Most thinking people would condemn this sort of hypocrisy if they could get their own nationalism out of the way. Yet, very often, we excuse negative acts if they further what we perceive to be our best interests. Thinking that says that if an action is wrong when a non-friend/non-ally does it, is just as wrong when our friend/ally does it is often condemned as black and white thinking by those that see in shades of grey. Grey is still black and white. What we need to do is see in color.

I am not sure that means anything at all.

The idea came to me as I did the Manifestation Meditation on what I fear about completing the book. I received that answer. The best way to share that is through the perspective of the 9th card on a Celtic Cross  tarot spread, hopes/fears. I fear both that the MM will have great impact and that it will not. This indicates a misunderstanding of the purpose of sharing this information. The point isn't the impact it has! Further, I am afraid of those that know me. For what I say in the book is not how I have behaved or believed in the past. I fear being seen as a poser or a hypocrite instead of one that is constantly changing. This is silly but most fears are.

Somehow during last night's meditation, I learned that what people do is not about me but about them. Inversely, what I do is about me not anyone else. We all express ourselves as we are. This is an absolute. I don't fully understand what I was exposed to. I can tell because I am having a very difficult time sharing this.

Basically, it works like this.

Upon the highest Qabalistic plane an impulse is emitted. As DuQuette explains, the concept may be 'rest'. The next plane down makes that idea a bit more concrete, "Sitting". The next plane down creates various ideas of forms that will allow us to sit. The earthly plan that creates a wondrous variety of physical objects, chairs, to allow us to sit.

I explain it like this.

The highest plane emits something like "self-expression". The next plane down creates an emotional need.  In my case, that need is expressed through direct forms of communication (spoken and written word) rather than, for instance, distinctive dress. The next plane creates the forms of how I do that with the written word i.e. blog and book. In the last plane, I work and produce these things.

In my case, I place emphasis on the emotional impulse created by the second plane. To me, this drives all human activity. Our thoughts merely give this impulse form and make rationalizations to explain something that isn't thought at all.

These emissions of energy each have their own color. In the power example, those that resonate with red are the same on both sides of the conflict. The compassionate man resonates with blue. He will be lambasted by the reds. This is more complicated because events emit more than one color!

The war above creates a red color but it is laced with blue as it creates an opportunity for compassion. This draws the red people and the blue people into symbiotic conflict. It forces a choice. Am I red am I blue? Do I truly express war or compassion? Oh my god, I am not red or blue but purple. Does that mean I am less pure but more whole? The multiple colors create many possible avenues toward self-discovery even if we do not realize we are learning.

I must admit that my visions of these emissions of color were a bit confusing. I know I don't have things quite right. Though, as I do the MM with the purpose of spiritual understanding which is the base of wisdom, I feel I am rending the veil of my own ignorance. There is something instructing in these visions. I am not sure if I have it a bit off or if I simply have not found the practical use of this knowledge. Perhaps, it is a way to compassion. Perhaps, understanding the reds to this level will enable me to assist those who are the emotional warriors into living with greater compassion. Maybe it is to leave things well enough alone. The human condition is what it is. I will exercise the wisdom my former mentor taught me, wait until things become more apparent. That said, when they are apparent, I will not be afraid to act, learn again and then act in a completely contradictory way once I learn something else.

I seek not consistency, only truth.

So what is the headline and image all about then?

Letters on Occult Meditation is the first book I ever read on esoteric matters. There was something in the plain blue cover with its small printed title that made the book more mysterious and attractive. It screamed in the silence. We are not marketing a book. We are sharing a truth.

Truths need not be shouted.

I don't resonate with theosophy. I included this book because it mentions rays of color and their impact. The example they use is how various rays influence vast cultures. The Asians are impacted by this color and that Westerner by that. Interesting stuff but not up my alley at the time. However, after my visions of last night, I was reminded of this book and my beginnings.

Successes and Failures with MM Magick

In my magickal career I have always been interested in healing. I have long remarked that if you can get on over the counter medication for something, I can fix it. In thinking about that, I'm not sure if it is true. Looking back, it is more like I can handle anything pain related. I've never been asked to cure a wart, dandruff or other things. So who knows? Maybe someday, I will have the opportunity.

It turns out pain takes on a variety forms. Yeah, like this is a revelation? I've done several things to help with pain lately.

The New Pagan

The new pagan is one of my MM guinea pigs. She is relatively new to paganism and really hasn't found a specific path yet. Her magickal experience, as far as I know, is limited. When we first became friends she revealed to me that she lives in pain just like I do. Hers is caused by a diagnosable illness.  Though, it is one of those that to my limit knowledge is medically a bit vague. 

I used the MM and relieved her pain. As usual, she fell asleep during the process. Last night, she reported that those pains have not returned. Maybe a week or two ago, she reported a different kind of pain, emotional. I found her Nephesch (animal soul) and offered it comfort. This resulted in some healing and allowed her the lift she needed to try the MM. She's had at least one destruct/rebuild phase*. 

Last night, she had a different type of pain. One of these pains was new. the other was flair up of back problems. I relieved both of them using the MM. She said it felt for a moment like I was 'fishing' around. I was. I was trying to figure out where I was needed. As physical pain can be a symptom of other things. All I got from that was the idea that I was ONLY to treat the physical last night. I did that. 

She then had some sort of emotional break through. I have no idea about what. She hasn't shared that and I have a feeling if I knew, I certainly wouldn't post it here. 

Flower

My close friend, Flower, texted me today. She is very intuitive/empathic and sometimes has the problems associated with that. Such as a very difficult time being near people in emotional pain. Such sensitivity is a blessing and a curse. 

Today, one of her coworkers is an emotional mess. Flower, has picked up on that and been crying at work. She knew I was home due to my back issues. Today, is a VERY bad day for me. I am loaded on Vicodin. She asked me to seal her up so she can't feel her coworker or heal her coworker. I chose the former. 

I told her that if I can help in this much pain and on this many drugs, the MM is the cat's meow. 

I used the MM and and boxed flower up so she wouldn't receive any impressions from anyone. Then I surrounded her with spiritual light in an effort to hide the fact she is boxed up from others. I don't want her to appear withdrawn and sullen. She reported feeling instantly relaxed. The knot in her stomach disappeared immediately. Flower will share more with me as the day goes on.

So, I may go back and try to heal her coworker. In the past, I may have railed against doing things against one's will or without permission. But really, who would not want pain relieved? Who doesn't want healing? If that is interference, I will take on that karma. 

Nightmares

I have another friend who suffers form nightmares, nightly. In the past, by comforting her Nesphesch (animal soul), I stopped them for one night. In the past, by seeing 'something' on the astral that may have caused her nightmares and attempting to get rid of it, I failed to give her a night's peace. Last night, without her knowing, I comforted her Nephesch and she didn't have any nightmares. 

I am going to make an effort to directly heal her Nephesch through more than just comforting. I have no idea what I am going to do but I know that something will occur during the process, if we both commit to this. 

This person, a long time friend, has started to the MM as well. 

Failure

Last night, I was in pain. I did the MM and tried to heal my back. I could have sworn I felt movement within my body that was more than a muscle relaxing. I'd have given it more than a 50/50 that my out of alignment vertebrae actually moved. 

From the above, you know it didn't have any impact on my pain. 

Failure II

This is not so much related to the above. 

We all fail. We make mistakes. We step on each other's metaphorical toes. I continue to learn the lesson that it isn't intentional even among people that know better. I have seen this in many cases regarding people that have hurt me. Looking back at my adult life, I can think of only once, maybe twice, where I think someone intentionally did me harm.  If there were other times, I do not perceive them as such.

I do believe that various people ought to have known better. Yet, I've come to understand that people get vapor locked into a mindset, or are permanently or temporarily locked into their own head to such a degree they cannot see what would obviously bother another.  Other times, they see it after the fact. The fact that they were so oblivious is so emotionally painful they just can't admit it. 

I find this quite sad. 

Naturally, I have had some reactions to people that are in similar situations. What I am learning is that almost every reaction is too narrow. I will not say 'wrong' but I will say 'incomplete'. People are so complex that even the errors we make should be treated with great compassion. 

This compassion also needs to be turned within. We must have such compassion for our own pain that we can compassionately respond to the mistakes made by others, even when they are against our own interest. Of course, we must be 'in the now' enough to avoid injury in the process. 

In the now means that someone's else emotional/social errors cannot hurt us. It is useful to remember that any words spoken, written or communicated in any form, were uttered in the past. Even in the midst of a conversation, what is said occurred in the past moment. Words do not instantly appear in your head. They must be transmitted and that takes time. Even if they did instantly appear in your head, the act of thinking about them, feeling the emotional impact of them and the like takes time. Therefore, even if the would instantly appear in your head, your reaction to those words means you're hanging on to the past. 

Someone who is in the present can avoid that. 

Sometimes the Lessons Come Slow

Last night, I got to hear a first hand story of incredible success with the Manifestation Meditation. The Christian fellow has done well with it. He literally had a personal revelation, a real world reflection and a full healing which 'cured' his life long issue within a week's time.

I have noticed that over the last two or three weeks my listening skills have improved. I am really paying attention to what people are saying. I am not waiting for my turn to talk. I no longer interrupt unless I am unclear about what someone is saying. The obvious benefit is better communication skills and better perception of the speaker. The not so obvious is that my personal feelings about what is being said are more apparent. How is it that in listening to others the more clearly discover myself?

In this case, I realized that I didn't feel as I expected to feel. Before I started to share the MM with selected others I would have said such success would feel great. I may have even said it was a validation of my Work as a spiritual man. I may have even said that I'd deserve a beer or some other reward. In short, in very simple terms, I would experience ego gratification.

I have experienced some of that but not to the degree I would have expected. Instead, I am left with a sense of amazement. Compared to all the suffering I went through, this stuff is easy for so many. People are having life-changing experiences. When they say thank you, I am at a loss as to what to say. I haven't done anything. I gave them a few words but they had to say them. They had to mean it. They had to live through the lesson. They had to grow. Those that have chosen the spiritual version of this have shown courage. This is admirable. I do not make light of that in anyway.

On the other hand, I sat on couch and listened. This is not hard work. I'm sure most of you are sitting as you read this and will agree that sitting is not that difficult a task for most people.

What I feel is a mix of a weird humility with the normal pleasure one would feel in doing something nice for someone and being recognized. That is more at the level of being thanked for helping someone pick up a few groceries fallen from a torn bag. No big deal really but still nice to be thanked. All this comes with a sense of discomfort.

In mulling this over, I have learned something.

For some time, I have pondered why I am having a hard time putting words to paper. I do know the other books I am reading for my own growth and for genuine research into the book. So, I am not fully procrastinating. There is an obvious emotional block. I now know what it is.

Fear.

Fear of what I am not sure...criticism because it is so simple, fear that it could be a huge change for many people (if it catches on), fear of ... what?

I know that I am fearful of the upcoming class I am giving locally. I am fearful because rather than dry facts, I speak in stories and metaphor. There is a touch of the dramatic. This is not my normal style. People will see something has changed. Part of me fears this. The rest of me thinks I am being a bit silly.

I. Know. This. Works.

Yet, I fear.

So, the reason for the slow delay in writing this is apparent. It has taken me a long time to figure it out. Now, I will find the root of the fear. It is time for me to the MM and simply ask to be shown how I can overcome this.

In the meantime, I am going to use my scant mindfullness training and focus on the task at hand of writing. Bugs Bunny once said, "I will be scared later. Right now I am too mad." It is my hope that I can be scared later. Right now, I am too busy writing.

In Person Manifestation Meditation Teachings:

Fresno, CA
Saturday, April 14, 1:00 PM
Denny's on First and Shaw
Cost: Donation to Central Valley Pagan Pride


Fresno, CA
Saturday, April 14, 1:00 PM
Denny's on First and Shaw
Cost: $25 at the door. $20 Prepaid.
Four people must prepay before the class is on.

Humility in Compassion

There is a level of humility in compassion.

You cannot feel true compassion while feeling superior to another person. You cannot feel true compassion while feeling that you are more correct, have deeper vision, are smarter or anything else. That said that the most brilliant us can feel true compassion for the less gifted but you can't feel that disparity of gifts while feeling true compassion.

To reach anything even close to approaching humility. To come close to humility, I had to do something that at the time, seemed like arrogance. I had to say no. I know just as much as you do. Unconsciously, I operated as if everyone knew more about spirituality, magick and my spiritual path than I did. As if all these people had an insight I did not. Once I really fully believed my thoughts were equally valid, things fell into place in many ways.

While I have learned this long ago, it was reinforced. Feeling less than is just as much an ego problem as feeling better than. There has to be a level of sameness to grow compassion. The next step, once I learn this one, maybe seeing the extraordinary in every person. Knowing the importance of every individual may be the key to full connecting to the whole. There are no lesser parts.

Results of My Personal MM Work

I noticed not long ago that my Manifestation Meditations were being mailed in. I have watched people effectively mail it in and get good solid results. I suppose I was too but in the off handed way I was doing it the results were more diffuse.

Naturally, I changed my practice and spent some time opening my heart up and longing for contact with my Immortal Soul...something has happened since.

Let me start at the end. I have noticed of late that when people say, "How are you?" I responded with a real genuine smile and reply, "Excellent! How are you?" I am in a great deal of pain today and still responded this way. I cannot fake this sort of thing and never could. The best I can do on a bad day is say, "fine". At the moment, I am doing great and for this I am solidly grateful.

So what happened?

I meditated by first opening my heart. I do not mean in an accepting way. I mean in a deep spirit of love for my Immortal Soul. I longed for contact. Only when I had that emotion circulating through my being did I perform the meditation. Previously, the MM had lead me to read of Buddhist praxis. Most likely, these books lead me to ask, "Teach me compassion. Allow me to see the divine in everyone."

That was just prior to attending my niece's Confirmation in the Catholic Church. After enjoying the irony of watching her take an oath to reject Satan and then consume Deviled Eggs, I sat next to a former co-worker. A current coworker sat across the table. The person I sat next to asked, "So, what do you do when not at work?" I replied that I was heavily involved in the Pagan community, taught classes, did ceremonial magick and was writing a book on a meditation technique I developed. I do not discuss such things at work. Yet, the words were so naturally out of my mouth, as if I was talking about what I ate for dinner last night.

My words were met with a big smile. I was not sure if it was a "you're nuts" smile or that she just enjoyed I shared. I am leaning to the idea it is both. I further shared that I am having a harder time identifying as Pagan nowadays and that I am reading Buddhist material. She got excited and asked me if I read two books. Both were the books I am currently reading. She then referred me to a mindfullness center here in Fresno.

I took my first class Monday night. It felt so right. The vibe was so much different than a Pagan vibe. Even new people had a different type of sincerity. I enjoyed it and, aside from following through on prior plans for this Monday, I will make it a regular thing. My Monday nights are booked.

Meditating to learn and feel compassion has continued. I look for the soul of the people around me often. For instance I saw a family of seven at the bagel shop today. The father simply asked his 13 year old daughter to pass him a napkin. Yet, I could see the respect he had for her. It is common to witness love, caring, compassion from a father to a daughter. I do not recall ever seeing this level of respect before. The conversation was so common that I feel I must have observed that through a different level of seeing.

The tarot reading yesterday also overwhelmed me with compassion for the young lady I was reading for. I truly saw her heart center and it was beautiful!

Last night, I meditated on feeling compassion for those that have hurt me in the past either intentionally or not. I managed to feel some level of compassion even for those I see through the greatest darkness.

Speaking of compassion but not of one I see in 'the greatest darkness', I noticed the self-exile of one that hurt me the other day. I noticed the self-inflicted misery and the inability to connect with others. Even when this person thinks s/he is connected, it isn't on a very deep level. Though, s/he likely thinks it is. My heart went out to this person as the pain is so obvious. I hope s/he figures it out. It is odd for me to feel such compassion for someone that hurt me like that. In the past I would have felt some of it but not FELT it. I think this is a good thing.

I am feeling very at home with the MM, my mindfullness practice, and who I am at all levels. I have never felt 'whole' before. I feel complete and even my painful moments are acceptable. I do not fight them. At times, I am capable of watching them seeing linkages and then fading away. This is pretty incredible.

Impossible Tasks

I am beginning to understand that sometimes the gods present to us impossible tasks. Such tasks serve to teach us that the part of us that believes the task is possible is the part that has engaged in stagnant thinking or persisted in perpetuating an error of action or belief. Learning the task is impossible also teaches us about this ignorance. With such understanding, we can allow ourselves to live in a more correct manner.

A Beautiful Experience

Today, I went to an Ostara ritual. Something is building here. The Bakersfield, Visalia and Fresno Pagans are getting together in Visalia to share the eight holidays. They meet in Visalia because it is between Fresno and Bakersfield. WitchDoctorJoe's group is there. It is easy for him to reserve the space and the like. So, it works for everyone.

Except me.

Well, it is fine for me. I went and talked to people. I made a couple new friends. The ritual was not for me. I am having a hard time identifying as Pagan. I certainly have a relationship with the Helpful Deity, Hermes and others. It isn't that I disbelieve at all. It is that I believe and at some level understand so much more. I feel like I am a member of all religions, if you have a liberal view of membership.

A longtime acquaintance, D, sent her niece to me for a reading. This gave me a warm fuzzy as D and I are not close. We have continually stood at opposite ends of the Pagan community. Her willingness to trust me with a loved one was pretty cool.

When I connected with A for the reading. I saw her heart center. It was the most beautiful I have ever seen. I can only describe it as a golden rainbow. This woman had great compassion and truly has the potential to share a beautiful soul. Were she not about to enter the army, I may have offered to teach her...what I don't know. Magick isn't her thing.

It was quite a moving experience. I pray my reading was of value to her. I will never know.

The Grove

This spring, I have been working to to create a lush but xeriscaped yard. There is a corner in my backyard that was blessed by My Gal and John Michael Greer. JMG called the space, Gribbet Grove which has been shortened to 'the Grove'. I have noticed that if I pull energy from above this space absorbs it and creates a thick white plasma, pure white. It exists like a bleached pillow under the earth.

Today, I stepped outside that space and tried the same exercise. The earth accepted the energy but it was more like I was trying to shove it through hard concrete. It should be interesting to see how it responds as it becomes more lush and cared for.

Link

Jow has one of the best blog posts I've seen in a while, check it out here: Unintentional Magicks

Loss of Words...

Dear Reader,

I must confess that I am getting to a place where words fail me. This has been a space of opinion and posts about magick. Most of you joined with that in mind. There is very little of that now. I don't need magick. Oddly, I have few opinions anymore. While this did start out as a demonstration of "doing the work" and I suppose it still is, demonstrating that feels trite and a bit arrogant.

I could report that I had a very peaceful night spent alternating between meditating and reading a work by American Buddhist. While that may matter to me, to you, it is likely a snore fest.

I could report that the Agnostic texted me today to say, "Nothing has changed but everything is different." While that is a splendid thing, without knowing the agnostic, I'm not sure you care to read that.

Writing on my conflicts inner and outer is easy but how does one write on peace? And if I did, would you, the reader, really want to read about that?

I am thinking of writing a brief copyrighted pamphlet on the Manifestation Meditation as I am getting a lot of requests but I'm not sure how that would impact the future publication of the book.

-- Robert

I Am Happy

I Am Happy

The same person that sent me that chilling late night text message last week, "Help Me," texted me this afternoon and said, "I am happy." She had a break through in dealing with someone she perceives as emotionally manipulative. I called her and talked to her about the experience in hopes I could explain what happened here. I can't quite pin it down but that doesn't really matter. Something clicked for her and that is simply awesome!

Facing Fears

Another person reported today that she had another break through. A couple of events happened that caused emotional upset. We talked last night and she drew her own conclusions about their meaning and lesson. Today, she figured something else out. She had asked during the MM to help her get past her fear and anxiety. The next day the first of these events occurred. She has put it all together and realized the roots of her anxiety issues. This is excellent progress!

As For Me

I had an incident at work that hit my frustration issues. In my defense, I several things occurred that would have set me off much earlier. This time, I was much calmer even when I was frustrated. This occurred right before I went on break with my walking partner. I heard myself repeating my old self talk and she corrected me. The universe provided a perfect reminder.

The fact that I realized after the fact the many things that didn't set me off made me very happy. I don't mind the occasional reminder of what I was. I hope they are all this mild.

Short Note on Manifestation Meditation Progress

Tonight, I had a discussion with one of the people doing the Manifestation Meditation. Before she arrived, I did the MM so that I would be of service to her. What came out was the beginning of a prayer that I will start any such sessions with. Basically, the idea is that the prayer will invoke everyone's relationship with their spirit while not trying to control how anyone's else's spirit manifests or what their lessons are. The wording will need a bit of work.

The agnostic took another concrete step today towards solving her problem. This time, a situation arose,she noticed and took immediate advantage of it. Bravo!

I mentioned a while back that I'd do the MM to help my back. I did it once. So far, it hasn't helped. I will make a more concerted effort in that direction.

To Love What is Behind

Last Night, I went to a mindfulness class. We meditated in various forms for an hour or so. The instructor mentioned that it is helpful to watch your thoughts as an observer. I am not exactly sure how to do that but in trying I had an interesting experience.

The Agnostic that is doing the Manifestation Meditation (MM) is a near shut-in. She is a great human. I know her personally. She has a lot of emotional issues. In fact, it was these issues that brought her to perform the MM. Around 11 PM one night, I received a heart-breaking text message. "Help me," was all it said. That night, I taught her a mindfulness exercise and the next I taught her the MM. She did it that night and had several emotional epiphanies. Since, she has taken two concrete steps towards solving an issue and a host of little emotional steps as well.

In walking to lunch today, I was proud of her. She didn't stop doing the Work just because she emerged from her crisis like she has done in the past. I was fondly thinking of that when I decided to observe. I realized my warm fuzzy feelings were created by me taking credit for the MM and her progress. That realization dropped a veil. What I felt next was pure love. It wasn't the love of her personality, her progress or my efforts. It was a love for the Being behind her personality, the agnostic's awesome soul. This love I held for three or four minutes as I walked. It was truly a beautiful experience.

MM results

Today, I learned that My Gal and Flower both received official official start dates for their new jobs. Score two for the Meditation.

A Practical Example of Soul Change

This post will focus on three parts of the soul. The Nepesch which is the expression of the drive for survival of the individual and the species. This is fight/flight and reproduction. The automatic personality which has to do with the programming we have either ingrained in ourselves or allowed to be ingrained. This is more like a computer. A given input results in a given output. This is where most of us are in day to day life. The automatic personality also holds our guilts, fears, and confusion. It's primary driver is the Nephesch. The third part is the Ruach. This is the real personality. It too can be out of balance but it is closer to who we really are than the first two even when it needs alignment.

When I experienced Divine Grace my automatic personality dropped off of me. Gone. Suffering only ends through understanding. In this case, it is the understanding that the concerns of the automatic personality were utter garbage, false and illusionary. It was in that moment I truly realized the potential of the human soul, life, and so much more. I was utterly clean. Perfect for just a moment. At utter peace. I experienced divine joy. There simply are not words for that. Sadly, the automatic personality does reform a bit but the primary driver is now the Ruach not the automatic personality. So, what is the difference?

In my case, my automatic personality (AP) created this odd behavior. If you told me you loved me and cared for me or worse complimented me, I had a tendency to distrust you. I walled off. If you did something to harm me, I would seek to understand and make really bad attempts to bring you closer  by expressing my pain. This had to be instilled by emotionally withdrawn parenting. I see little reason to bore you with those details. During this time, my Ruach leaked through this AP and gave it a spin. Every little thing was about the spiritual and the need for spiritual growth.

This combination of being a bit whacked, in pain, and a sincere spiritual drive brought 'helpers' into my life. These people have a sincere desire or need to help people. Obviously, the first is better than the second if you're a helper. The problem was the behavior of these people, no matter how sincere, contributed to the aggressive nature of the AP. This formed the endless dynamic of the information game, which I have mentioned before. Unlike my first group, no one was trying to be mean. Everyone was trying to help. I was trying to learn but that dynamic was impossible!

Further, the frustration of that dynamic impacted me at work and in all other areas of my life. Just before my final meltdown other helpers appeared. These played the same game. "Oh, I can't tell you that."

Once the AP dropped and my Ruach became in charge, the first thing it did was manifest Geburah (Strength). The people that participated in that dynamic were ejected. When one lives within the AP, one attracts people that need whatever that energy is. They want to you to stay there regardless of what they sincerely say. They will only notice your growth with time and distance, if they even care to look.

After I moved on from them, others quickly took notice. I cannot read their minds but it is was if they said to themselves, "Robert is no longer playing the game. I value Robert because of X. If I want to keep that relationship, I cannot play the game even passively." Suddenly, I had more information about long past events than I had ever had. A flood gate opened. Understanding happened. Suffering ends with understanding.

Knowing what I now know, I am educating myself and my AP into different patterns of my choosing. When I am 'in the right place', I know it. There is no confusion. There is peace in the moment.

Dumping the AP and embracing the Ruach is a huge spiritual step for me. The battle was hard fought and painful but I came out on top. However, this is not the end. The personality needs balanced. Initially, this doesn't seem as hard as dealing with the AP but those may be words I have to swallow sideways. Beyond that, is LOVE. Divine. Less and less ego. That is where I am going. I am very very content to be where I am right now but that doesn't mean stagnation.

If I get there, it will not be from seeking. It will be from Being. Hence, I have begun mindfulness training.

Years ago I remember my former mentor telling me that adepts don't do magick, they are magick. I don't claim that title. My magick is in my Being. Hence the change to the header I made a few weeks ago.

What Would A Church Look Like?

I am thinking of what a "church" would look like. I am more thinking out loud in hopes that people provide some insightful feedback. Which is a bit unfair given that I haven't fully revealed what the meditation is yet. Here are some of my principals of practice/teaching that may help.

I noticed in writing this that I am speaking as if this is going to happen. This too concerns me as the very idea is frightening to me. I do not think that overall religion has been of great value to the world.

1. I teach method not results. It is not my job to determine how anyone's soul manifests. This is the work of the student, not the teacher. I will not provide a 'right' answer to one's trials as doing so can be of no benefit. Nor will I lead students to those answers.

2. There is no degree system. However, I believe (at this time) the first accomplishment in the process is experiencing Divine Grace. This is the state of so reducing the automatic personality that one feels the love of the divine and of being 'clean'. One's life misdemeanors are no longer a burden and are but a memory without attachment as if they were read in a book rather than having power in the present.

3.  The meditation is based on the Qabala but in a much simplified form. Any junior high school student could understand the concept.

4.  Because the brain is not fully formed for long term thinking and a bit of life experience is required, generally speaking, I'd prefer people over the age of 25 participate.

5.  My role would be more of a facilitator than a teacher with the exception of the basic facts of the meditation.

6. Given item 2, a ranking of achievement with the process would be self-declared. This is the ideal. In the real world, people deceive themselves and/or try to deceive others. I am not sure how to handle this or if I should simply ignore it. One method is to allow self-declaration up to a point and then determine that after a certain point something needs confirmed.

This results in some problems. First, the idea of my or anyone else conferring a title demarcating spiritual achievement is against my concept of the process and proper teaching. Secondly, I cannot conceive of any ranking system given I have only one definite marker of such achievement at this time. Thirdly, ranking in general doesn't sit right with me.

Maybe the rank of facilitator could be determined. If someone can lead the discussions and keep everyone on track without interfering in the process of others, one can earn that rank. This would be a form of service to others.

7. This is a spiritual practice, method, life style and world view. It could be practiced by any religion at all. Is it then correct to call it a church, temple or any other such thing?

8. I like Witch Doctor Joe's concept of a secondary tradition. His Veritas Wicca is an adjunct to whatever you practice. The Meditation is much like that as you can tell by item seven.

9. I have had solid success at healing others using the Meditation. I would like advanced practitioners to serve others in this way. That said, I am warned by Ram Daas's words. He posits that one's only duty is to work on the Self as when one achieves enlightenment we all do. So called helping others is an ego trip. There is something fundamentally right about that but then helping to reduce the suffering of others is a positive thing in my book. I am conflicted on this point.

10. I have witnessed that the lack of behavioral dogma in the Pagan community has done more harm than good. People's random behavior can be very hurtful as no one knows what to expect from anyone else. In part, this is because we are not fully realized human beings. In part, societies need some sort of structure. So do groups, churches and the like. That said, dogma is what makes many of the world's religions so harmful to the spirit.

I know the Bahai have a doctrine that says any dogma or practice of their religion should be abandonned if the government forbids it. This is an attempt to keep their religion politically non-threatening. Beautiful in principal but so far not helpful in the Middle East.

I do believe in a spiritual principal that says we are born into the culture we are for a reason. Therefore, those cultural rules, no matter how silly, are there to teach us. This is true whether we follow them or break them. I also believe that at times we must practice antinomianism. While the link mostly puts this in a religious context, I look at from a secular point of view. Sometimes breaking societal rules, with purpose, is instructional. For instance, it can clear the mind from prejudice about long-haired men, if a man intentional grows his hair to be more like those he dislikes. Well timed acts of antinomianism can be instructive for those that witness it too but the actor normally pays a high price for that.

Maybe some generalized rules are a good thing, if it is paired with antinomianism. I am torn on this issue.

11.  It is my belief that those in charge should appoint someone they will listen too as an ombudsman for the group. That person's job is to hear complaints from those that cannot tell the leader directly and, if s/he feels they are justified, to pass them to the leader. In addition, that person's job is to call foul when s/he feels the leader has abused his or her authority within the system. If the organization is large enough, perhaps each leader should have two such people. One s/he selects and another elected. I think the reasons for that are obvious.

Those are my thoughts of the moment.

A New Church...Tell Me It Isn't So

Today, was quite odd.

I attended my niece's confirmation into the Catholic Church. Normally, I enjoy the energy the priests whip up but this time, there was very little. The spoke a bit about what Jesus said of the holy spirit. This really fit in with my philosophy, if you squint. I will look more into that.

My brother-in-law's sister's husband sat next to me. He is quite educated in Christian matters. I asked him about the meditation I developed and how it would be viewed by Christianity. He said that it is so far from the modern mindset that it isn't antithetical.

At the reception, I ran across a person I used to work with. She asked me what I did and I just came out with the fact that I was pagan, did Ceremonial Magick and was writing a book on meditation. This is a big deal for me to be that caviler about it. She is good friends with many people I still work with which could be a problem. Maybe. Maybe not.

Her response was great. She suggested places to go with regard to learning deeper forms of mindfulness in Fresno. We have read the same Buddhist books. I was pleasantly surprised. This may have been a result of last night's work. I tried to really get emotional about the goal of the meditation. I added a bit about receiving ideas from others.

Scary Moment

In church, I had a thump from my Immortal Soul. I know that it what it was but I'm waiting on this one. The  message was that I need to start my own church. Yikes! I don't view the meditation as a religion at all. When I left the Golden Dawn groups I thought I was out of the woods as far as running a group. Running a GD-style group was something I didn't really want to do but felt obligated. So, I tried. Wrong.

This is an entirely different thing. Teaching the MM is scary because it works so very well. I am going to wait until I see some sort of direction before starting such a thing. If that is what I am supposed to do, it will take a while.

Cranky

I have fallen off the wagon a bit when it comes to eating better and eating organic. I have noticed I have become more cranky. I will go back to being a soldier for the cause and see if my crankiness abates.

Soul

I am developing ideas on how the Greater Neschemah (Immortal Soul), the Ruach (personality), Nephesch (animal soul) and the automatic personality work together. When I flush it out, I will post.

Blog

It is getting harder to pour effort into this space. Hence the reason my posts have been short and choppy of late. This is just likely a phase I am going through. I enjoy blogging.

Edit: It is likely that someone reading this post, will represent the 100,000 time that Doing Magick has been read.

F is for Fear: Pagan Blog Project

There is only one obstacle to spiritual growth, fear. I don't tend to wax poetic on the subject but just mention a few things.

The nephesch is the animal soul. Humans suffer, where other species do not, because we have a combination of spiritual and animal soul. The latter only knows personal and species survival. It is fight and flight and reproduction. That is all. Every experience you have is thus classified by this energetic near nightmare as an opportunity to have sex, life threatening or neutral. This is handy in a world full of saber toothed tigers, not so handy in the modern world, except sometimes.

In a modern world, we end up capturing our fear in the animal soul. Many of our actions are then dictated by the power these fears, often unconscious have over us. This is the sort of thing that cause people in happy marriages to have affairs as part of them thinks they must reproduce with a different partner to keep the species going or because it will make them feel young. Thus being further away from death.

This is more subtle. There are all sorts of behaviors we engage in that are secretly pandering to these fears. We drink. We argue. We engage in sex that makes us feel bad. We avoid work. We do too much work. We bond too deeply. We withhold our emotions. We stay unemployed, underemployed, or incorrectly employed. It shows up in many forms.

This fear is often coupled with guilt as we do things we should not and that are harmful to others based on these fears.

Once a spiritual person experiences the Grace of G-d, all these things fade away or are drastically reduced. Stepping past these fears is crucial to making any significant progress in this life. So how do you do that? There are many methods. There is no need for me to mention them hear. I am of the belief that most of them work.

What is needed above method, is attitude. A deep willingness to throw oneself upon the fire again and again until at least, one is freed from the burdens of fear. The desires mentioned below are those that pander to fear in one way or another.

If a man gives way to all his desires, or panders to them, there will be no inner struggle, in him, no 'friction' no fire. But if, for the sake of attaining a definite aim, he struggles with the desires that hinder him -- he will then create a fire which will gradually transform his inner world into a single whole -- Ouspensky, In Search of the Mircaulous

With this, we lose a large part of our negative foolishness. We become wiser and sovereign. But this is just the beginning of another journey, more fires and at length, true Love and Compassion.

Soul to Soul

For new readers, the following is a list of terms that apply to parts of the soul as qabalists see them. For more experienced readers, yes I know this is an incomplete list.

Soul Parts

Greater Neschemah -- Immortal Soul
Ruach -- Personality
Nephesch -- Animal Soul (fight/flight and reproduction)
G'uph -- physical body

So over the last month or so, as I am meditating, I have heard one level of my soul talking to another about the third. Heard. Apparently, they refer to my nephesch as a female. Who knew? "She will react this way." Those are the only words I can remember. I know I have heard several more full conversations but I am not even sure the content of those ever really registered in my brain.

As previously reported, I have a lot of dreams where I am very high up and afraid. I asked the Greater Neschemah about this and was told that I didn't need to approach It for that. I just needed to comfort my Nephesch. I did so. A very frightened image turned into an infant in my arms.

I have comforted this infant several times since. I have noticed no discernible difference in me or my dreams.

Successes!

Flower asked to do the Meditation to gain a position in her work place. Previously, her managment hadn't treated her all that well. She really wanted/needed that job because the hours allowed her more time with her child. She learned to "let go" of whatever she was holding onto about her employment. Today, she was told she got the job!

My Gal was going through her pre-employment physical and they found her blood pressure too high. She sent me a frantic text to help. I was out to lunch with my coworkers at the time but did the meditation for her right there at the time. Her blood pressure dropped and she passed that part of the exam.

More Meditating Experiments

I have trying to carefully test and work out the Manifestation Meditation. I am amazed at the variety of spiritual persuasions I have been provided. So far there is:

A long time ceremonial magician, myself.
A long time witch, Flower.
A long time Thelemite, My Gal.
A long time practitioner of Voodoo, Nutty. She has her own book called Black Magic.
A Christian.
A relatively new Paganish-type.
A agnostic that does not believe in magick in any form.

Curative Powers

I didn't post about this but six weeks ago, I was told by a doctor that I would need surgery. His exact words were, "Those do not heal." He gave me 30 days of medication to see if we could get things calmer before surgery. I would be out of work three weeks. Given that I was out five weeks with my back around December, this I did not need. I did the Manifestation Meditation and asked that I avoid surgery. Two weeks ago, I went back to the doctor. He was very pleased to tell me that I didn't need surgery. All is well. He didn't bat an eye at the healing. This doctor has been around for a while. I was impressed because he was so very pleased that I didn't need the surgery.

So, Flower asks, "Why don't you do it for your back?"

Fear. This has been so long a point of identity for me. What would I do if I was healed? What if the MM didn't work? Pshaw! I did that they other day. I will keep you posted. (insert a bunch of weasel words here about why it may not work and how that doesn't invalidate the MM).

Proof is in the Pudding: Manifestation Meditation

A few weeks ago, I posted that My Gal refused to do the Manfestation Meditation (MM) as designed. She saw it as too big an initiatory experience for her to put her young family through. She asked me to modify it for a practical purpose. She needed a job and she needed it fast. Yet, she didn't want just a job she wanted THE JOB.

She did the MM. The next day she received notification that she passed a certification test in her profession. She'd been waiting forever to receive that. The day after, Texas accepted her California credential under reciprocity. A day or two later she landed a line on a job. She applied.

It turned out that job was something she did before. She was a member of the pilot project that determined the national standards for the work umpteen years ago. My Gal said it was her favorite job ever and that she was very good at it. She called it her dream job and was quite excited. She interviewed for the position.

Then nothing happened.

Last night, we talked about it and she stated how desperately she needed that job. She'd been doing the MM but she hadn't heard a thing. I volunteered to do the MM on her behalf.

I worked the meditation so I was literally doing it IN her and FOR her. It wasn't my meditation. It was hers. I learned that the process was blocked for two reasons. The first was that she was very fearful of not getting the job. She has a one year old to feed. The second, and this is so sweet, she wanted the MM to work so badly for me. She was hoping that I really have found the method of a lifetime. That hope really translated into a fear and kept things blocked. I simply got 'above' those fears as I did the meditation.

Today she learned, SHE GOT THE JOB! I am so thrilled for her. It was make or break time. Had she not held onto that fear, I'm sure it would have happened even sooner.

What is the Manifestation Meditation?

After ten or twenty years of Golden Dawn Style work, I developed a method that boils down all that work into a mantra/prayer that can be performed in under ten minutes a day. The mantra is Qabalsitically based.

At the moment, I am only teaching people I know and that is mostly local. With this meditation, I have seen people go through an entire Golden Dawn neophyte alchemical break down in a day and begin recombination in the next. This works very quickly. Is very powerful and sometimes shocking in its speed and effectiveness. Those that have gone through initiatory processes will understand that is incredibly fast. Had I not experienced this meditation, I'd say too fast.

So right now, I am experimenting with some friends and myself. I want to make sure I understand the nuances so I can teach this completely in book form. I am writing that now. I don't mean to sound like a teaser commercial. It just happens that is where I am in development right now.

Observations within a Bagel Shop

My weekend routine of a coffee and a bagel at Uncle Harry's was quite fruitful today but it really started yesterday.

I watched a documentary entitled Berkeley in the Sixties. I don't know why but watching things on sixties always make me feel more spiritual. Maybe it is because I was born in that decade, maybe not. I know I do admire the radical sixties people and their causes, for the most part. Later, I watched a documentary on Wavy Gravy. If you've ever heard the recording from Woodstock where someone says, "What we have in mind is breakfast in bed for 400,000," you've heard his voice. In my opinion, Wavy Gravy is the Fool in all the best ways. He is G-d upon earth in all Its, albeit human-limited, beneficial forms. These shows returned me to reading Be Here Now by Ram Daas. I love that book. It simply elevates my spirit by pointing out all the traps, in free verse form, I fall into along with my fellow humans.

I sat eating my bagel, drinking my coffee and not reading Be Here Now, which sat pleasantly and unassumingly on the table next to my steaming cup.

My gaze fell upon a family of four. I marveled at the lightness of the aura of the children. Their vibe is so different. The impulses that drive them so unpredictable. This is such a joy! It is also the part of life, human unpredictability that drives me insane. Then I was saddened at the heaviness of their parents. Responsibility! Life Trauma! Insecurity! Tension! Forced Predictability! I immediately relaxed all the muscles in my body that I could.

During this time, I did the Manifestation Meditation. The visual that comes to me as the Greater Neschemah normally appears above my head and encompasses me. This time, it started in the center of my brain and unfolded about me. The little boy looked at me with a puzzled expression. Then he turned back to his bagel.

When they left another group arrived of two women and a man. The man went off to the bathroom and the women gathered chairs around a table. There was a moment of joy when they assembled the table and they realized there was enough room for their party. Imagine that! Feeling such joy over something so commonplace -- chairs around a table! This joy put me in a good mood. As they sat, they immediately descended back into their adult scene, a scene these people have relived again and again. He read the paper. The two women, obviously friends, chatted. It was but a play. A scene. It wasn't real like the joy they had experienced a moment before. Their chat was personal yet robotic, the earthly state of being, drab grayness disguised as a good social interaction.

That scene reminded me of the plays of life. We interact in a series of plays, vignettes and character sketches. The same play unfolds each time because are little self is the author.  There may be a lesson of spirit here but we are not the Living Spirit.

Life has repeatedly told me of late that I have spent so long trying to BE the Living Spirit that I put myself in a tiny little bottle as a method of learning. Contracted! Is this so I can explode later into a personal Big Bang? Is this what Ram Daas meant when he talks of the idea that you can't transform a caterpillar while it is being a caterpillar doing caterpillar things? One only sees a butterfly when the caterpillar is done with its caterpillarness. 

Through this I understood how humans are attracted to joy. I saw how the appearance of joy can be used as a tool of deceit as it makes us feel good enough not to look past it. I understood the Piscean joy of the moment that so attracts people to those of that sign. I understood how they reflect the joy of others and love having in reflected back to them and how they can be mirror for others' 'good parts'.  I also understood at an intuitive level how I reflect the parts of people that often need tossed into the alchemical athanor. People do not see their fears in me. Through my virtues and faults they see what they must let go. They fear giving up those things that they will eventually transform. I can't do anything about what they see. I can only do something about what I say. For words make the process more harsh.

When I get to the point that my own transformation is joyful rather than work, harsh work, or frustratingly slow, things will change.

Weak Spots

Magick works via the path of least resistance. To that end, I am creating weak spots in my life.

• A weakness in the direction of unfolding the Living Spirit (immortal soul)
• A weakness in the barrier that prevents living joyfully
• A weakness in the barrier that keeps me lazy

Manifestation Meditation

My working partner, Flower, has taken up the Manifestation Meditation. She is doing it for a specific and very import cause. However, she is experiencing great joy and a connection with her spirit simply by doing that meditation. She reports she has felt cut-off from her spirit and has never experienced such an easy way to connect with it before. 

Healing

The other day, I posted that I thought the results of a healing were dubious. That person reported a break through yesterday! I know what I did helped her do that. I am thrilled for her! I bestowed a gift of opportunity and she grabbed it. How cool is that? 

You

You do realize that you are not you, right?

The you you think you are, have been and must be, is not.

The you that you think of as your I isn't your eye at all.

The things that hurt you cannot when you are not you but You.

Pain is not-youness.

Hope is less-youness than the you that is not you.

The pain that you carry falls away in the moment

you gives up and meets You.

you are dead. Only You live.

You never die.

You Love.

You.

Have you read anything You did not already Know?

So why does you keep saying no, you know?

Because it takes a moment.

And moments are something that you will not let pass

you holds moments

you is defined by moan-ments -- possessed

moments mean less than you do

that you is not You.

Drop the moan-ments

Have a moment

Be for an instant

Let you pass on its way

You arrives right then

You were there

All the time

ALL the time

YOU were THERE

ALL THE TIME

YOU ARE HERE

NOW

Healing Others

"Promise nothing except to heal and that gratis" is part of the oath of the adepti or the Rosicrucian Creed. I claim neither but I do enjoy my humble successes with healing others. I have had a few interesting experiences with that of late.

The first is with my good friend and ex-girlfriend, My Gal. She was experiencing nightmares and backaches both of which she attributed to me

Her nightmares involved death and since she has seen so many posts here about my experiencing death in dreams, both my own and that of others, she thought these experiences were linked. I was dubious as humans always look for external causes for internal turmoil. However, I did the Manifestation Meditation and asked to be shown any link between us that could be causing this. I found a line of energy from myself and another from her. It was tied up in a knot with a third thing.

The energy was fiery. As I began to suck the air out it, I understood her nightmares had to do with her father going in for heart surgery. I wasn't sure what that had to do with me. She later explained that as we ended our relationship, I did something the day of or around that time that hurt her. So, she associated my painful actions with her father's very serious troubles. These tied up in a knot causing her nightmares. It has been a couple of weeks and no more nightmares have occurred. I have not had a dream about death either.

She claimed the same for her back as she thought she was borrowing my back troubles. Given that she can be a very compassionate soul, I thought this possible. I was more dubious of a firm link that may be helping this along. Once again, I was wrong. I saw two white cords meeting. Something wasn't right. They emitted a shower of sparks that was actually kind of pretty to see in a deadly sort of way. This was a connection of spirit and probably formed by the magick we had done together. I didn't ask its origins.

Dealing with spirit is not like dealing with the rest of the elements. You can take air out of fire to snuff it out but you can take nothing from spirit. I simple asked my soul to gently remove this connection. Her back problems have been fine for two days of heavy labor as she is working on her home.

I also worked on another friend. The first time she was simply in pain that I could easily relieve. As normal with my healings, she fell asleep. There was more pain of a different type the next day. She suffers from an illness that would do this sort of thing to her. When I investigated, I actually moved into a part of her soul that is cut off from the other parts. The details of this are private. However, I will provide an example that it took some time to make up as I had to find a trait I could use that applies to no one that I know. Had she been a thief, I would have received an image of her nephesch (animal soul) clutching on to  her stolen items, petting them and hording them in a cave.

I didn't want to do too much with this. So, I sat within her and radiated compassion. This may or may not have helped. I am leaning to no. I have considered helping further by more direct aid but decided that since she is about to start the Manifestation Meditation that she will be able to do so in her own time.  When she does so, I feel the symptoms of her illness will decrease or disappear.

Since these experiences, I have started looking for links that are interfering with my life. I have only found one and removed it.

E is for Exit - Pagan Blog Project

I was a founding member of a Golden Dawn style lodge that has long since died a gentle death. We had four neophytes and an adept. In reading this post, entitled Has the Global Conspiracy Bumped Off David Griffen by Nick Farrell, I was reminded of a solid piece of advice my former mentor instilled in us all. For those of you not familiar with the these two, let me fill you in. Both David Griffen and Nick Farrell are famous in the Golden Dawn community. David has run a lodge for umpteen years. Nick has run a lodge too but for how long I do not know. He is the author of a few books. One of them has a solid reputation the other doesn't. Of course, in certain circles, those reputations are reversed.  I have never met either of them.

The argument taking place is sadly typical of public Golden Dawn figures. I am not taking sides. Not because I don't have an opinion but because taking a side has no value. My opinion is not going to change anyone's mind. This is following that advice my former mentor gave us all. Which I paraphrase here:

When it comes to the Golden Dawn flame wars, do not engage. That is a distraction. Simply keep your head down and do your own Work. 


What matters is the Work, not one's reputation. What matters is the Work, not what someone says about you. What matters is the Work, not debates about lineages, minutia and who has what lost document.

This is true no matter what Pagan/Occult group you may be engaged with. If the group is about drama and reputation simply make an exit. If the group is known enough to be found but quiet enough that you never hear of them, chances are it is working well. I am not bashing the Golden Dawn Style groups at all. I am merely pointing out the quieter ones are usually more valuable and such is true no matter what tradition you may find yourself in.

Get to work no matter what your tradition is. Your reputation, if you care about that, will be established in time with no effort at all.

Departing with Class

The folks over at the Way of the Rabbit have parted ways with Z. Budapest and posted this very nice departure letter. Frankly, I don't agree with everything but who cares? They obviously spent a lot of time working on a public statement that would not be offensive. Further, they made a point of honoring Z. Budapest for all her contributions. They also made the point they cannot change the mind of another.

I can't help but get the sense that they tolerated a lot from Z over the years and the public embarrassment over the last year or so was simply too much for them. Perhaps there is more here. Perhaps, they simply grew past their founder or away from her. There is no crime in that. They held on as long as they could until the Universe forced them apart.

Frankly, it looks like they healed from their "patriarchal" traumas and didn't need to play that particular game anymore. Good for them! And good for Budapest that taught them how.

I see such clear analogies with my departure from my mentor. Though, allow me to be very clear that I am not embarrassed by him in anyway. I give due honor to what he has done for me and others. I acknowledge his superior magickal skill and knowledge. However, I also acknowledge myself, my healing, my learning, my growth and a host of other things that necessitated a departure. I bring him no shame as a student or former student.

The relationship had grown toxic. The dynamic was not healthy. I think he has some learning to do on why I left. I have some learning to do as well. I find no shame in that on either end. That is part of the alchemical process.

While I am sure he is hurt now, just like Budapest may be, I think in time he will see this is for the best and hurting was not the intent. Too much of our interaction was based on an event that neither one of us was going to budge on. The odd part is that a great deal of information has come to light recently. People that had kept their mouths shut are no longer. I find that quite fascinating. I also find it fascinating that I feel I could have been told most of this information years ago and been just fine with it. I also find it fascinating that the topic is beginning to bore me.

I don't regret what I did but I may have been able to do it a little better. Though, I will not claim to have done it wrong at all. So, I would like to acknowledge the former Amazon Tribe for doing what they did with class. They could have been ugly about it but chose not to be. They did it with class. Nice job.

The Spiritual and the Social

Years ago, there was a conversation within a discussion group on the topic of spiritual behavior. Someone defended the terse and cranky magician-types by saying that socially acceptable behavior wasn't always a sign of spirituality. In fact, a person like Aleister Crowley could be both a prophet and a jerk. When I read about the Jewish prophets I feel that most of them would not be allowed in a modern home. Their behavior fell to far outside the norm of their times. Oddly, the same things would fall outside of our norms today. For instance, one of them didn't wear clothes for a couple of years.

Also, the job of the prophets was to tell people, especially the king, when he was off course. "Hello Your Majesty, you are out of alignment with God," is not likely to be deemed socially acceptable. Confucius had the same problem. Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism, told Confucius, "The problem with you, sir, is that your intelligence enables you to evaluate people critically. And when you evaluate people critically, you bring danger upon yourself." Obviously, Confucius was not engaging in socially acceptable behavior. Yet, he is deemed to be one of the wisest men to have ever lived. Wisdom is a sign of spirituality.

While not comparing myself to the venerable Confucius, I too speak truth to power and I can evaluate denial, willful blindness and rationalization quite well. I can do it so well that I've been told by more than one person that I am rather intimidating because people cannot hide their issues from me. Even when I do not speak, people can tell I see through them and it makes people uncomfortable.

However, there are a few people out there that find this of value. Apparently, those that want to grow past denial, rationalization and the like use me as  mirror from which they cannot hide. I take this as a good thing and a spiritual virtue. That said, there are few people with such courage. It is a trait I do possess and have made the mistake that most others, despite all evidence, do as well. A friend actually had to tell me the other day, "Robert but most people do not think that way." I know this is true but I am egocentric enough not to really get it. To me, if you are in the occult crowd that growth is the point. Even the unabashed thaumaturgist sees the value in personal growth, even if is only to increase one's power.

There is an inverse side to this as well. When people want to stay in denial, I have little patience and get angry. I literally forget why people want to remain self-deluded and I get a bit angry. By this, I don't mean that I get mad when people cannot see their own denial. I get mad when they see it or I think they see it and rather than growing they add another coat of paint to make things look good. What I fail to remember is the pain people are in that do this. The only reason to hide from the obvious is pain and fear.

As a point of service, my forgetfulness is not helpful. I do not think it makes me less of a person or less spiritual. It simply isn't helpful.

So, I am taking steps to resolve the issue so that I can serve those who wish to be served, whether they know it or not, without causing further pain to those that want or need to remain where they are.

I will undertake the following steps:

• Continue to practice mindfullness. The easiest way for me to do this is to concentrate on my breathing. "I am breathing in. I am breathing out." During times when the mind is not engaged in a practical task, the brings the emotions to a state of calm and the mind to rest. Both of these allow me to more fully engage in step two.
• Compassionate Listening is the practice of listening to a person express their pains without judgement. Even if their pains are about you correct or not. 
• Measured response. I did a healing the other day. I revealed my visions during that healing to the person. This was extraordinarily personal and a bit disturbing to the person I was talking to. I am thinking I should have kept some things to myself. Fortunately, she took it very well and I believe it inspired her to do more to heal herself.  This has earned her respect in my book. She knew herself well enough to know I spoke the complete truth. However, as the Manifestation Meditation improves my abilities and my sight, I need to be a bit wiser in its revelation. Getting lucky does not count as wisdom.
• Lastly, I am going to practice a social thing that I do not do very well. I am going to work on seriously enjoying the conversation of others. I know that sounds silly but if you really look at it, most of what humans do and think is important is really silly. Before you get offended, I include myself in that statement. I think baseball is the greatest game ever invented and love to watch it. However, caring who wins or loses is a bit silly. Learning the hows and whys people enjoy things is important for friendships and service. I am in a place now where both are important. 

Healing

The manifestation meditation is doing a lot of healing for me in a lot of ways. I am learning a great deal from it. You all know I will get into that as things go along.

I've been more impressed at how it has allowed me to heal others in a more efficient and effective way. The other day, I actually entered a person at the automatic personality level in order to effect a level of healing. From there, all I could do is start the process. It is up to that person to finish it, if she has the courage.

More on that when I can, if I can figure out how to explain it.

Soul Boundaries

My concept of the soul is represented by the triangle. This idea comes from the supernal sephiroth of the tree of life. The three, which form a triangle, represent the Greater Neschemah or the Immortal Soul.  Secondarily, it also represents the manifestation triangle often used in evocatory magick. That is a bit of a stretch as that is usually want we used to control unruly forces but it still fits in my work.

It is not the soul that is unruly but the lower levels of the soul, the Ruach (personality), automatic personality, the Nephesch (animal instincts) and the G’uph (physical body). The triangle of the soul contains these forces when we let it.

Yet, we can do things that outside of are soul nature. The soul nature functions like an electronic dog barrier. We all wear an emotional collar so to speak. When we cross outside of our soul’s boundaries we experience pain. Like physical pain, emotional or spiritual pain tells us when we are out of place.

For instance, I had a horrible thing happen in my first group that was very painful. Not only that but that group punished me for that incident without telling me why. My personality is such that I have to know why. So, I begged and pleaded for answers. The response was silence. This turned into a pathological problem. Even had they been 100% right, the need to know why and trying foster a relationship with the various players, was quite painful. In large part the pain was because my methodology sucked but on the other hand fostering a relationship with people that have no obvious problem doing that kind of damage is not very smart. Certainly, if they felt an error was made, they would have said so, made an apology and even tried to resolve the interpersonal issues created. None of that happened. I tried anyway.

Now the soul has bigger plans than this but within this situation it looked like this:

When I stepped out of the boundaries of the soul triangle, pain resulted. One suffers in the wilderness.

Recently, I learned facts about that incident, as the result of the Manifestation Meditation, which cleared up the last questions. These factual things indicate some social mistakes I made at the time but demonstrated the less than healthy behaviors on the part of the others. These behaviors range from the sociopathic to those that are simply of the Nephesch. Private admissions of these actions cannot be made. I do find it quite sad that the unenlightened one, myself, can admit my errors and the illuminated cannot.

As a result of these last pieces of information, which have been trickling in for some time now, I have learned the name of some of my soul boundaries as they related to teachers, friends and other relationships. That looks like this:

But what you say, this is psychology, not spirituality. I respectfully disagree. Religion teaches us the rules for living. Psychology teaches us why we can’t live up to the rules. Spirituality realigns the soul so that religion and psychology are not necessary. The spiritual person simply Is. 

Compassion

A while back, I shed a huge bit of my automatic personality. It literally felt like I was wearing a skirt that simply fell to the floor. When I say literally, I mean that. Something fell. The only odd thing was that I was sitting down. Don't blame me, that is the way it happened. The emotional impact was of feeling G-d's grace. The problem I will always have with your average, and maybe non-average, Christian is the line about how no one deserves G-d's grace. If you've ever felt that, you KNOW everyone deserves it. There are few people I really hate, so few there is only one, that said, even that person deserves it. I would put in a bottle and give it to that person if I could.

There was a deeper impact. Every misdemeanor I ever committed fell away too. Those things in the back of your head that you are aware of and feel guilty for? Gone. Surprisingly, I KNOW I dropped guilt for things that I had no memory of at all. No, I cannot explain that either.

From that moment, my reactions to things have been changing. I haven't been frustrated at work, a long blogged about problem, since before Yule. Things people do that made me feel bad and I previously accepted are no longer tolerated. I no longer consider myself a Holy Idiot. Well, not the idiot part anyway. I speak to complete strangers with joy and laughter. I never did that before.

I've also been more compassionate in many areas of life, spoken more about compassion and began to read Buddhist books. The books I am reading focus primarily on praxis rather than directly about compassion. Obviously, one cannot force compassion into existence, it must grow.

I have noticed that I have had a very narrow definition of compassion that involves helping people. For instance, yesterday, I stood in a line for lunch as an older woman was shepherding a group of developmentally disabled people through. She was teaching them, probably for the 1,000th time, how to order, deal with money, what to eat, sitting in the chair properly etc. Obviously, she was getting a bit frustrated and terse.

I did the Manifestation Meditation and asked my Greater Neschemah to give her patience both for herself and those she was caring for. The moment I felt that energy land on her she turned 180 degrees looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you for your patience." She told the clerk it was because I stood their waiting quietly while she did what she needed to do. I knew what she was thanking me for even though she didn't. She and her charges seemed much better after that.

This sort of helping the beleaguered is often viewed as compassion. However, think of it from the other end. Most people want to be helpful. Most people want in some way to make someone else's life better. We find it pleasurable to help. Yet, we have become so self-focused that we say, "No, I can take care of myself." Perhaps that is true. Yet, other people have the need to be of assistance. Compassion says that if it is not to your detriment, allow them to do so. Acknowledge their need to assist the world. Feed that need. It brings them joy and that joy is contagious. Let people help you. It is a compassionate thing to do.

E is for Explaining Emotions: Pagan Blog Project

We are all aware of rationalization. This is making a decision and then finding an excuse with which to justify that position. Well, I don't really need a pair of jeans but I may be going to that party a three weeks from next Friday. There is a more subtle form of this.

I once had a psychology professor who claimed that modern psychology has proved that we really don't know why we do anything at all. This caused a problem for him. When he did something his wife didn't like she would ask, "Why did you do that?" This, he said, put him in the position of either saying "I don't know," or making up a reason that psychology had proven to him was a lie. The first answer angered his wife. The second made him feel like a liar. He wasn't comfortable either way.

Hopefully, that little story illustrates something I am having a bit of a difficult time communicating.

Sometimes, we 'know' something about a person. This is an intuition, feeling or psychic prompt about a person that is so quiet that we really don't realize we felt or know anything at all. Yet, we think this person is A) dangerous B) prone to act in a certain way C) is a thief D) insert any other undesirable behavior here E) has a major issue with X. The problem is that we don't know really know much about X or any other of those examples and how X really impacts the person. So, in order to satisfy this internal prompting, we find things in this person's life related to X and chastise him or her for those actions. This is a form of rationalization BUT we have no idea we are doing. It is very hard to catch.

For instance, let us say an occult student is very good at divination. In fact, she is so good that she can spot things that make people so uncomfortable that people are afraid of her. They feel fear being exposed. Even theurgists who are more or less accepting of this exposure are very uncomfortable. This person may be accused of prying into people's private lives when she isn't asked to for her own personal advantage. Given she never does a reading on a person without being asked, she is offended by this accusation. Eventually, so many similar accusations are made, she leaves the group or quits divination altogether. This is a tragedy. Such a person could be of value to others.

The real problem, which no one is really aware of, lay in the fact that when she divines she is even more connected than she knows and doesn't know how to break the connection to her querent at that level. Sure, she does the normal methods but her connections run deeper than those can get at. So, from some sort of continued connection she senses where her former querents are emotionally and uses that information, unbeknownst to herself, to her advantage. Sometimes, that advantage appears very selfish to others. However, when we really know something is about to happen most humans naturally use that to their advantage personally. Only the advanced may use that to heal, comfort or prevent tragedy. It isn't that the rest of humanity doesn't know how to do those things but people get in denial when they 'know' things. It scares them into inaction. Also, when people figure out you 'know', they become afraid of you, belittle  you or try to make you feel insecure about your abilities.

People explained their fearful emotions with accusations against this woman. They knew something was off or not being said and she appeared to be conniving and using her divination not to help others but for her own advantage.  Yet, the core issue was that she a) wasn't breaking away from the divination connection properly and b) had no idea where she gained the information she used to her advantage. Nothing unethical was really occurring.

I have experienced this in other ways in my occult career. I used to think it was hypocrisy or projection on the part of my teachers and others. I am now thinking it was much more along these lines. They had subtle prompts about issues but couldn't define them. So, they looked to things in my life that may have explained those prompts and acted based on those things.

That isn't hypocrisy or projection. While those mistakes were quite damaging in many ways, it falls more into the area of very easy mistake to make. That said, I have no idea how to avoid this problem other than being aware it can happen.

There may be a use for this information. There was a time I felt very targeted in a group I was in. There was a HUGE double-standard being employed. I was on the wrong end of it. While the double-standard was wrong on its face, maybe there was a deeper thing going on.

Now this is a very subtle thing. You have to determine if you are dealing with jerks, confused people or something like this. Frankly, the only way I can tell for sure is the jerks. They do repeated and varied things that are just so flat out wrong you can't help but see it. The confused  people and the deeper things going on are so much harder.

So, my conclusion is that perhaps when social garbage occurs, maybe, just maybe, rather than condemning the idiocy, it can be used as a clue to something else. Maybe, we can suss out the underlying and hidden prompt that secretly motivates people that even they don't know, we can learn and grow.

Frankly, I have no idea if this post is insightful, full of $(&@ or is the product of Lon DuQuette's critique of me that, [I have] a tendency to read more magical meaning into a situation that is perhaps warranted"

So, comments will be even more appreciated than usual on this one.

Here Come the Lessons...

Well, yesterday I posted about asking for the lessons about that horrible chapter in my life with my first group and yesterday it started. I terminated friendships with two people that I love, my mentor and my very close friend and working partner, the Witch.

My mentor can no longer see me as I am but as the neophyte I used to be. There are more personal issues here but that would be down right wrong of me to delineate in this space. I still have my loyalties. I love him. He is a good guy. It is just time to go.

The Witch played an information game with about my old coven situation. "I know something about that you don't," and then wouldn't tell me the something. This is the game the coven played with me and I refuse to play anymore. That conversation was always toxic and she played into it. Either tell me what you know or don't tell me you know it. Good-bye.

Now, these people were so good and firm in their denials that I literally thought I was the nutty one.  It is very difficult when people you respect are so off base, in your own perception. Any magick user worth his beans in that situation goes out and does external checks to make sure it is not him that is fully off the rails.

So, I went to WitchDoctorJoe. I didn't give him any details. I just asked him, as someone that could tell me if I was very delusional or if the conclusions I draw are nuts. His reply was that I am saner than he's ever seen me. If Joe thought I was nuts, he would not hesitate to tell me. Frankly, Joe pulled me out of a potential black hole. His words were direct, on point and so mimicked my former mentor's that it was uncanny. He basically said that when you get well and get higher up the spiritual ladder folks try to pull you down. The Manifestation Meditation and Lon DuQuette's response to it are my proof of having arrived. I will NEVER claim either of these people tried to pull me down. It is just darkness that tends to arise. That said, I didn't let anything or anyone take me down...for long.

I also checked at work. Nope. Their opinion of me has always been of a person that sees through the bullshit no one else will admit is happening. They only question my style from time to time. I even checked with Lon DuQuette. He offered me a great critique of me but not I am not nuts in his perspective.

Upon doing this thing, which despite my true genuine love for them, was not as hard as one may imagine, I have learned a great deal. A few things are psychologically embarrassing. However, I also immediately know that by simply knowing those things I am done with them.

Now, I asked someone to magickally shake lose some cobwebs in some areas. I have no idea if that was done. I did ask the Manifestation Meditaiton for this lesson. Boom. Did I ever get a lesson. That cloud I mentioned yesterday around an old issue is dissipating. When I fully learn those lessons, I will disappear. Then I will be off for the next one.

These may be famous last words but the lessons seem to be getting easier to handle even though they are not easy.