This post will focus on three parts of the soul. The Nepesch which is the expression of the drive for survival of the individual and the species. This is fight/flight and reproduction. The automatic personality which has to do with the programming we have either ingrained in ourselves or allowed to be ingrained. This is more like a computer. A given input results in a given output. This is where most of us are in day to day life. The automatic personality also holds our guilts, fears, and confusion. It's primary driver is the Nephesch. The third part is the Ruach. This is the real personality. It too can be out of balance but it is closer to who we really are than the first two even when it needs alignment.
When I experienced Divine Grace my automatic personality dropped off of me. Gone. Suffering only ends through understanding. In this case, it is the understanding that the concerns of the automatic personality were utter garbage, false and illusionary. It was in that moment I truly realized the potential of the human soul, life, and so much more. I was utterly clean. Perfect for just a moment. At utter peace. I experienced divine joy. There simply are not words for that. Sadly, the automatic personality does reform a bit but the primary driver is now the Ruach not the automatic personality. So, what is the difference?
In my case, my automatic personality (AP) created this odd behavior. If you told me you loved me and cared for me or worse complimented me, I had a tendency to distrust you. I walled off. If you did something to harm me, I would seek to understand and make really bad attempts to bring you closer by expressing my pain. This had to be instilled by emotionally withdrawn parenting. I see little reason to bore you with those details. During this time, my Ruach leaked through this AP and gave it a spin. Every little thing was about the spiritual and the need for spiritual growth.
This combination of being a bit whacked, in pain, and a sincere spiritual drive brought 'helpers' into my life. These people have a sincere desire or need to help people. Obviously, the first is better than the second if you're a helper. The problem was the behavior of these people, no matter how sincere, contributed to the aggressive nature of the AP. This formed the endless dynamic of the information game, which I have mentioned before. Unlike my first group, no one was trying to be mean. Everyone was trying to help. I was trying to learn but that dynamic was impossible!
Further, the frustration of that dynamic impacted me at work and in all other areas of my life. Just before my final meltdown other helpers appeared. These played the same game. "Oh, I can't tell you that."
Once the AP dropped and my Ruach became in charge, the first thing it did was manifest Geburah (Strength). The people that participated in that dynamic were ejected. When one lives within the AP, one attracts people that need whatever that energy is. They want to you to stay there regardless of what they sincerely say. They will only notice your growth with time and distance, if they even care to look.
After I moved on from them, others quickly took notice. I cannot read their minds but it is was if they said to themselves, "Robert is no longer playing the game. I value Robert because of X. If I want to keep that relationship, I cannot play the game even passively." Suddenly, I had more information about long past events than I had ever had. A flood gate opened. Understanding happened. Suffering ends with understanding.
Knowing what I now know, I am educating myself and my AP into different patterns of my choosing. When I am 'in the right place', I know it. There is no confusion. There is peace in the moment.
Dumping the AP and embracing the Ruach is a huge spiritual step for me. The battle was hard fought and painful but I came out on top. However, this is not the end. The personality needs balanced. Initially, this doesn't seem as hard as dealing with the AP but those may be words I have to swallow sideways. Beyond that, is LOVE. Divine. Less and less ego. That is where I am going. I am very very content to be where I am right now but that doesn't mean stagnation.
If I get there, it will not be from seeking. It will be from Being. Hence, I have begun mindfulness training.
Years ago I remember my former mentor telling me that adepts don't do magick, they are magick. I don't claim that title. My magick is in my Being. Hence the change to the header I made a few weeks ago.
1 comment:
I like to read your posts even though most of the time I don't understand a lot of what you write about. But, that is the way one learns isn't it. ;)
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