Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Paying Attention

I have noticed something over the past three months.

First of all, I view my Work as less than it is as I do with my talents. I know that. I do that because I have seen too many arrogant magicians work magick that they have no business working. They mess with people's lives because they think they have earned the right. They give advice they have no basis for giving that they think comes directly from on high. Fuck that. So, I underplay my talents.

On the other hand, I really have believed that my work is not as good as some people tend to believe.

On the other hand, (yes, I know that is three hands) I have always been very good at seeing the reflection from the Universe. When three people tell you the same thing that haven't talked about it to each other or you hear the exact same sentence from two people in two separate conversations you pay attention. I have lived my magickal life that way. I've heard the lessons, the negative and the positive that way. I have a pretty good track record for hearing the negative and the lessons but not so good in hearing the positive.

In the twenty-four hours, three people have called me an adept. These people are not being over-nice due to my current crisis. I know them. Over the last three months, I can think of two more. When I went counseling today for whatever is keeping me awake at nights the clinician was amazed "at the number of tools you have at your disposal." She didn't mean magician's tools but in all things the metaphors can hold. It appears that my most biggest detractor is myself. WTF?

I suppose I should move with a bit more confidence. That said, I really don't want to be like the magicians referenced above. I don't want confidence to become rampant arrogance. I don't mind the occassional arrogant opinion. I do care about arrogantly thinking I know what is best for others when I don't.

So, I am going to work on being more confident in my magick and my overall abilities. If I get too arrogant about it, I'm sure the Universe will make a correction.

P.S. For those of you that have been aware of my huge sleep difficulties, the clinician said it sounds to her as a normal high-end anxiety episode, which is apparently less than an anxiety attack but more than normal stress. This makes sense as I know this will pass but I have a lot to be anxious about and a lot to grieve.


petoskystone said...

what did the clinician recommend to help cope with this high-end stress?

Robert said...

Coming back next week. First visits are always like that. Actually, I won't be going back. She was an emergency stop gap due to the non-sleep issue. I wanted to make sure I wasn't fully crackers and just didn't know it.

I have someone I saw years ago that I will be going back. She is really good at temporary crisis like this. We won't have all that getting to know you time and just get down to it.

Anonymous said...

Love the blue hand header!

My heart goes out to you just about every time you post. I know lots of arrogant magicians and I don't think you're the type. For them, the concept that this may be a problem doesn't seem to register in the first place. Maybe you're anxious in part because you take your responsibilities seriously. I think that a lot of people who've been jerked around by power trippers are gun-shy about owning their authority as they reach that stage of life, what with the highly negative associations that have become attached to power for us.

You come off as such a loving guy. I would be amazed if I was wrong.

Robert said...

Thank you, Layo.

Ananael Qaa said...

As I see it there are two points that have shown up in your entries over the last six months or so suggesting that you have reached at least the lower bound of Adept consciousness if not further.

(1) You've posted that you can communicate with your HGA. According to the Thelemic system and (I think) the Golden Dawn as well, K&C of the HGA is one of the most agreed-upon markers for at least the equivalent of the Minor Adept grade.

(2) You've experienced the consciousness marker for Adept as well, transpersonal realization. That's what this is. I thought I recognized it back when you posted it, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't mistaken before saying anything. From the posts you've made since, I'm pretty confident now that my initial assessment was right.

Of course, one of the other realizations that comes with getting to that state is a clearer picture of how much further you have to go. So even though it's a very important milestone on the path experiencing it can seem discouraging at times.

Robert said...

Ananael, thank you.