Last night, I felt as if I was going through a nervous breakdown. I was wide awake at 3:00 AM. I was stalking around the house. Stir crazy. Tears. Mad at the world. Mad at myself. Torment. I eventually took a muscle relaxer to force myself to sleep.
Today, I chatted with my mentor. I spoke of the repeating life patterns that appear external. What I feel is my complete lack of progress on the path. The deaths of my father and friend. My inability to deal with my back issues. The massive amount of pain medications I've been taking.
He pointed out the time in his life where he went through so many similar things He told me that I do this work with the dedication of a monk but never give myself a break. I was told I need to find other things to do. Distractions to participate in that have nothing to do with the work. Well, life is the work, so I really dont' understand that much but I can relate to periods of rest. Though, I never rest with this stuff. Even if I am at a ball game I am thinking of the Work.
He's told me to walk away for a while. He's told me this is the last hurdle.
I've told him I'm tired of the fucking hurdles with little or no progress. I am tired.
He said some encouraging things that I would have been happy to hear in the past. Now, as sincere and loving as they are, to me they are just words. Nice things to say when a friend is in trouble. Good to hear but in the end, one more wall for me to run into.
He said there is a wall at ever level of initiation and in my case I hit the wall stage so fast that it appears as if there are nothing but walls. I am tired of running head first into walls.
I was advised to take a break for a while. The answer to the patterns I see will be clear. This is the last hurdle. FUCK. I am tired of hurdles.
I've been advised to do rest before. So, if I disappear for a while, that is why. I doubt that I will. I've never been able to give the work a rest. There is a first time for everything.