Sunday, October 30, 2011
Nine of Swords
Anxiety, note quite panic attacks, depression, fear (non-specific). Yesterday I had a good day and a rotten evening. Despite OTC sleeping pills couldn't sleep until after 2 AM.
This is some serious deconstruction.
I've been through this before but always found a point in it. I said to myself I will be a better person after this. Now, my response is fuck that. How fucking 'better' does the universe want me to be? After all this work, I am HERE? W.T.F.
Am I supposed to be fucking Ghandi before it gives me a break?
I am working hard on being present in the moment but only because if I can get there I get a break from my own head once in a while.
I am losing faith that one can grow with occultism. How much of my growth over the years would have happened anyway with just getting older? Why do all this work if you just wind up here?
You can say all the nice things you want. I will just twist them into negatives.
To answer comments from yesterday:
No, I don't give myself much of a break. My mentor says I work at this like a monk. I add "minus the studying part." I am not sure how to rest my mind and heart from my own world-view. I understand the concept of rest of body and mind but I really don't know how.
To Nutty, I am like that all the time now. Your light did not make anything worse.