Sunday, October 30, 2011

Nine of Swords

This is where I am right now.

Anxiety, note quite panic attacks, depression, fear (non-specific). Yesterday I had a good day and a rotten evening. Despite OTC sleeping pills couldn't sleep until after 2 AM.

This is some serious deconstruction.

I've been through this before but always found a point in it. I said to myself I will be a better person after this. Now, my response is fuck that. How fucking 'better' does the universe want me to be?  After all this work, I am HERE? W.T.F.

Am I supposed to be fucking Ghandi before it gives me a break?

I am working hard on being present in the moment but only because if I can get there I get a break from my own head once in a while.

I am losing faith that one can grow with occultism. How much of my growth over the years would have happened anyway with just getting older? Why do all this work if you just wind up here?

You can say all the nice things you want. I will just twist them into negatives.

To answer comments from yesterday:

No, I don't give myself much of a break. My mentor says I work at this like a monk. I add "minus the studying part." I am not sure how to rest my mind and heart from my own world-view. I understand the concept of rest of body and mind but I really don't know how.

To Nutty, I am like that all the time now. Your light did not make anything worse.


nutty professor said...

yeah well i meant what i said then. send some of that energy over here, i am starting a practice and could use some auxiliary support. Hell, send it to Gaia. She could sure need some intentional power.
Sometimes I feel like you are the guy who struck oil on his land and as the crude is bubbling up you start bitching about how it is going to ruin your daisy beds. Complaining that you can't even drink the Texas tea. What good is this stuff? I guess what I am saying is that with your skills and power there are a lot of us who would gladly pay for your product, and would take it off of your hands. There are some who cannot pay but would take whatever you have for their own healing, even if there is no energy exchange, as an act of mercy. It might deplete you. You might suffer or it might kill you. But you would be offering something useful to others. I guess that is what I am thinking. Is what you have useful for others, beyond yourself. And what happens when you throw love into the mix, and this occult thing moves beyond service to self?
I can see that it is nearly five in the morning, and I am writing scattered thoughts on someone's blog, and I am not sure I am making sense. Please forgive me.

petoskystone said...

when i get this card, i remember what i read on another-site: mountain out of a molehill...'it' really isn't so serious, no need to go postal...but replace the quilt, it's hideous.
for me, i have this interpretation true, repeatedly.