Hunted

I do more before 2:00 PM than...

Today, I had a long conversation with my buddy Bert.

He did a reading for me about some serious ass magick that I am considering. It came out very positive and in line with my reading in some ways.

We talked about ideas for practical magick. In one phase, we discussed why we don't do it for ourselves and determined that we both share the idea that it is selfish. As Americans we have so very much. What pray tell, am I going to disturb the spirits for? I have friends that love me. If I ever doubted that, I don't now. They have come out of the woodwork. Even those that a very hard time getting out of their own head, have made heart warming efforts. I have stuff. I have a spiritual life. I have access to adepts both famous and unknown. What the f--- could I disturb them for and not be a selfish prick?

So we talked about doing very small things and letting the ways of practical magick be slowly discovered. I decided to do a reading to determine the outcome of a ritual to expose me to some new social activity that would be fun. This seems reasonable in my current state. The outcome was very negative, the ten of wands Oppression.

I did another reading on doing magick to draw someone local to me that needed a magician's aid. This came out very positive for both of us. I suppose I will do that.

Frankly, I am not sure I can handle it but the cards definitely say it is a positive thing for both of us. Just a moment of thinking of something as far ahead as tomorrow has totally freaked me out. My heart rate is bouncing through the roof. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The problem is that I'm moving like a walking pretzel today. I simply can't move. I feel like someone tied me to a chair and then gave me cocaine or whatever stimulant people are using now-a-days. I have never experienced anything like this before but I know someone that did and worse. I cannot imagine what that must have been like and I don't want to.

The world seems to be constricting. The aperture of existence is getting smaller and smaller. I remember my four year old nephew watching something on the Anasazi Indians, the cliff dwellers, and telling his father he used to live there. His father said that he had never lived that and that my nephew had always lived with mommy and daddy. "No," came the reply, "I lived there with my other mommy. Then I got really big. Then I got really small and got this mommy."

I feel very small, like a star condensing while still burning hot. My mental reactions are simply so suppressed that they register physically as the nervous energy of prey being relentlessly pursued by a hunter that is not there.