Sunday, October 23, 2011

Circles of Lessons

Of late a repeating pattern has reappeared in my life. Each aspect of the pattern is simple. The main thrust of the pattern is simple. Yet, the tangential aspects spider all over the place.

The point is that this pattern makes me miserable. I hate it and, frankly, I haven't learned anything as it has repeated three times over the last ten years. I have gone to the wisest and most experienced people I know and they all see it. Yet, they have nothing to offer. They are stumped. By all external appearances it is not my fault, even according to outsiders but the very fact that it happens over and over means that it is part of my universe. It is my responsibility to get it in line. Which means, it is my fault.

When I say it isn't my issue in an obvious way, I mean that. I don't go to people that blow smoke up my ass.

I am tired of it. The circling pattern paired with my not being wise enough to learn from it isn't good for my mental health, physical health or anything else. I am sick and fucking tired of it. I am mad at myself for being too incompetent to see the answer. I am mad at myself in the way I vent about the issue. I am mad at myself because I know I am being very reasonable and very unreasonable but having a hard time recognizing which one is which. No not true. I know which is which but I can't stop myself from the unreasonable moments.

I have reached the conclusion that I have only one option to breaking this pattern. If this fails, I may have to walk away from all things magickal to get what I want. I am NOT REPEATING THIS PATTERN EVER AGAIN.


Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qa-ballistic.


petoskystone said...

have you considered that walking away from all things you *currently* consider magical is the lesson to be learned?
(neat little joke, btw)

Ananael Qaa said...

I can't say for sure from the limited details you provide, but if this a pattern of behavior that you can't seem to shake it may be time to address your conditioning system directly. It's an older part of the brain, and the fact is that you can cast spells at it until the cows come home and never get the result you want. Crowley's Liber Jugorum is an extreme method that addresses the conditioning system, but Skinner found experimentally in the 1950's that positive reinforcement works better than punishment so I consider that a superior technqiue. It's also a lot easier to do since it doesn't involve cutting yourself.

Here's the method: when you find yourself in a similar situation to the one that produces the behavior pattern you are trying to avoid, at the moment you see that pattern start to arise employ your will to behave completely differently than you have previously. Then reward yourself, right away. This can be as simple as eating a piece of candy that you really like, or something similar. The key is to do it immediately after you force your behavior to change, and to keep doing it until the "forcing" of your behavior is no longer necessary.

It sounds kind of silly, but the conditioning system doesn't think - it's like a machine that follows a few simple rules. If you reinforce a behavior, the system will just keep repeating it, which is often the source of undesirable patterns in your life.