Of late a repeating pattern has reappeared in my life. Each aspect of the pattern is simple. The main thrust of the pattern is simple. Yet, the tangential aspects spider all over the place.
The point is that this pattern makes me miserable. I hate it and, frankly, I haven't learned anything as it has repeated three times over the last ten years. I have gone to the wisest and most experienced people I know and they all see it. Yet, they have nothing to offer. They are stumped. By all external appearances it is not my fault, even according to outsiders but the very fact that it happens over and over means that it is part of my universe. It is my responsibility to get it in line. Which means, it is my fault.
When I say it isn't my issue in an obvious way, I mean that. I don't go to people that blow smoke up my ass.
I am tired of it. The circling pattern paired with my not being wise enough to learn from it isn't good for my mental health, physical health or anything else. I am sick and fucking tired of it. I am mad at myself for being too incompetent to see the answer. I am mad at myself in the way I vent about the issue. I am mad at myself because I know I am being very reasonable and very unreasonable but having a hard time recognizing which one is which. No not true. I know which is which but I can't stop myself from the unreasonable moments.
I have reached the conclusion that I have only one option to breaking this pattern. If this fails, I may have to walk away from all things magickal to get what I want. I am NOT REPEATING THIS PATTERN EVER AGAIN.
Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qa-ballistic.