Monday, October 17, 2011

Crazy

In the interest of keeping a record as I have all these years recording the ups and downs, the follies and the insights. 

I am officially bat shit crazy. As soon as night falls, I begin to crack. Tonight, I am wound up about work. It is 5:13 AM. I haven't slept at all. Not. At. All. This isnt laying there catching a few winks but feeling like you never fell asleep. I have been up. Awake. Mind spinning.

Death has surrounded me for months, Dad, Chris, people at work. Metaphorically speaking, probably, it is my turn to die. 

Is this the normal GD initiatory place as my mentor says? Is this all the chakra work I've been doing? Is this the Manifestation Meditation doing its job? Is it any of those all fucked up? Is it all of them. You decide. I don't know and I'm really not thinking about that. I. am. just. trying. to. hold. it. together. I am not succeeding. 

3 comments:

pomomagic said...

It sounds like clinical depression. I don't think your mentor is doing you any great services by telling you otherwise.

nutty professor said...

I once read a diary by a mystical magician I think it was this one by Chevalier, though I do not remember the name. You might know it:

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Magician-Ceremonial-Diary/dp/0586082395

This is your version, right here, this. You are keeping the Record, the experience, the feeling in this moment. Thank you for continuing to write for us.

Robert said...

@Pomo. The two things are not mutually exclusive. However, I have appointments for help in that area too. I listened to the voice that told me not to allow myself to get mired.