When I started this space, I referred to myself as Frater Bone Head. The reason for that was that certain new realizations made me feel foolish as in retrospect my ignorance and blindness was so obvious that I should have had that realization own my own outside the system I was working.
Another such moment occurred this weekend. I've been asked a series of questions via email that I think I should have been contemplating long before now. Given the questions came via email and not the comments section, I'm not sure if it is okay that I mention the writer's name here.
These questions gave me a least a week or two of posting material. I am going to select bits and pieces from those questions.
One of his or her preliminary questions revolved around the HGA being the ultimate goal. I would say no. To me the HGA is a huge step but an intermediary goal. Most people put the HGA on the qabalistic map at Tipereth. Tipereth is yellow sphere in the middle of the tree. I have no intention of stopping there. The top most sephiro comprise the divine and immortal soul. They are also other things. Regardless, that is my ultimate goal. I shall uncover who I am. My goal is nothing less than Keter. Nothing less. The chances of being successful are nil. I will work towards that anyway.
This person also asked why I write so much of the Helpful Deity and so little on the HGA.
I have had knowledge and conversation with my HGA. I know its name, symbol, lineage and what it is guiding me to do. While the experience was awesome, it has not been fully actualized. The communication is now spotty and doubtful. Aside from the initial period of contact, I am skeptical of what I hear that I have attributing to it. I've had a strong exposure but that is all.
The frustrating part is that I could have done what I it tells me I should do. Unfortunately, at my late age I'm not sure how I could possibly do what it wants me to do. I would love to do it. I'd need to be wealthy.
The question is very apropos to other things going on. One of the reasons I haven't mentioned my HGA here often is that for years I've been stuck in my GD track. I needed to make this detour into a non-GD realm with the HD. Things are shaking loose in my GD work again.
The last two nights have resulted in dreams of my mentor. The first was instructional in nature. My mentor theorizes it may be a muddy reflection regarding my long term role as an adept. Either that or it was just my mind playing. I'd rather it was the latter but fear the former. Some roles you don't want to have. In one of those 'not coincidences' of magick. Someone posted a comment on a post six months old that has to do with this topic. I'd respond but despite the last week or so my argumentative self has less and less control these days of my actions.
The second dream involved a long standing disagreement with my mentor. We argued. It felt just as astral as the first one. I'd be surprised if we ever see eye to eye on that issue. We may come to a more mutual understanding though. I hope we do.
The point being is that my GD work is coming around again and in two emails from strangers, I've seen the reflection. I just love it when that happens. Even when one topic is uncomfortable. It really tells me there are things to look at.
I write a great deal about the Helpful Deity because, it helped with the obsession that plagued me. No one else could and I am grateful. I am enamored with It. I also am writing about It as It is the topic of a lot of the work I am doing right now. With time that may or may not fade.
My problem in not writing about It is that I think my work with her exemplifies the care necessary when dealing with deity and not taking things at face value, no matter how much you want to. However, I can't write about that aspect without revealing the deity's name. This, I cannot do. That is a source of mild frustration. However, it is a small price to pay for the level of contact I have.
I apologize if this post is unclear. My thoughts are not particularly focused today.