Today, I learned something that disturbed me. I didn't like it but the person was honest about a past deception. I respect that as much as I was angered at the deception. This could have started the old obsession back again. I can't say what this was about but it wasn't about the topic of the obsession. It was about tangential behavior of people close to me that happened a few months ago. Once full disclosure was made during the course of the conversation, I felt better.
There is something within me that just abhors secrets. Socially, it really bothers me when the secrets are about me, like this was. On the other hand, this may be a an odd manifestation of my esoteric drive. My drive has never been for power but to manifest the best part of my soul. That manifestation is a secret of a different sort altogether. This is the healthy drive. The social stuff is the unhealthy version of the same drive.
Divine Secret -- Myself -- Social Secrets.
The last part of that is simply part of the normal decay process. This is simply what we see all the time. If we put it in Christian terms, we see the beauty of Christ's forgiveness, the devotee and the rationalization that one can do anything for all is forgiven.
Divine Gift -- Devotee -- all actions rationalized
Note that I am not saying all Christians do this, I am making an example of how something divine can degrade within our personality. I suspect, if we look at our major 'flaws' and trace them to a positive aspect, we may learn a great deal about ourselves.
I think this is a theme worth exploring as far as personal theurgic technique. Expect more thoughts on this.
Once I calmed down, so much more quickly than I would have even months ago, I felt an emotion. I have long said that I am not great at deciphering my own feelings. I did notice that I was experiencing something I could not name.
Because the gods are kind, I turned on a documentary about the bloodline of Christ. Likely, the documentary is bullshit. However, it instilled me with a sense of mystery. It immediately clicked that this was the emotion I could not name. A feeling of impending discovery! Maybe that discovery was the idea of looking to our self-perceived worst traits and finding a thread to something more positive.
Last night, I meditated it my spiffy new chair. Maybe that arrived to slowly bring me back into my temple room. Regardless, I loved the comfort of that chair as I meditated! That was money well spent and I'm cheap!
I spent that meditation in my sun room testing the compass mentioned in an earlier post. I am not sure I made any progress with that but I am going to learn how to use that well or discover it is some delusional or metaphorical form on the astral.
I moved away from that to the point of the MM. Suddenly, I felt a human form descend upon me. I think it was some part of my subtle body. It was then that I had a vision of a grey bearded man. The vision was very clear. He was smiling. this is not an unusual form in the GD egregore. Some say these are visions of the so-called secret chiefs. I am not willing to make that leap. However, vision was cool.
Did I mention that I have a new comfortable meditation chair?
I dreamed that I was with a large family of brothers. These were rough and tumble country cowboy types. Oddly, they all were about the same age. All were married. There seemed to be a propinquity for them them to have affairs with each other's wives. This caused fist fights but everyone stayed together.
At some point, we were attempting to sleep in a desert cave mouth. We'd mine there in the morning. It was cold and I was told I would freeze without a blanket. I didn't bring one. One of the wives gave me a thin blanket that I am sure would have been little help. At this point, I woke up realizing that I had tossed my covers off in the night.
I am beginning to think I dream often of situations that involve betrayal. In this case, brothers having affairs with brother's wives. I am going to have to review the posts and see if I am correct. I am disappointed that I haven't had a lucid dream yet.
dream: cowboy type people, lots of brothers, sleeping with their brother's wives, lots of fights but a life style they all seemed to passively enjoy.
I was cold camping outside. They told me to get a blanket or I would freeze. I hadn't brought anything but there was something light I could use. I was cold as I had kicked off the blankets in real life.