Am I a magician?
Without any angst at all I can answer, I don't know. My confrontation with the guardian of the threshold or my dark night of the soul has left me changed. For the first time in my life, I am in love -- with me. I feel clean, whole, refreshed, confident, realistic, and spiritual. Most of the time I am in a particularly good mood. I still get amazed that the rest of you have lived all this time in a relatively good mood. Why didn't anyone tell me such a thing was possible?
At this time, I simply cannot walk into my temple space and remain for more than a minute or two. Certainly, there is not enough time even to do a Q-Cross or a Middle Pillar exercise. I have no desire to study or learn magick. I certainly do not want to do any. Of course, I've realized this for a long time now. Back then, I decided to do nothing and let my mind, heart and/or soul prompt me to get back to things when I could.
I am beginning to believe that I have a life's work and practice. That practice is the Manifestation Meditation. Assuming that it worked as I believed it did, I am not sure what else I would ever need to do. In my mind, the manifestation meditation brought people and events into my life that I needed to experience. I learned so much from those experiences. When I had enough input, these things went away. Crisis after crisis occurred until I was left with just little ol' me to deal with. Yes, I had a wonderful and long list of very supportive friends. Thinking about them literally brings a tear to my eye. However, in like all other forms of death, I was alone. I had to deal with long-term issues. I had to deal with my shit.*
I dealt with those issues. I found them to be false -- illusions all. They are no longer part of me. I like that a lot.
Yet, I am left with this man, an oddly happy man, who likes to cook. I do not seek the power of magick because I have the power of my soul. Right now, that soul is quiet. It doesn't need to be unleashed because it is united with the All in a way the rest of me doesn't quite feel but knows is true.
So for right now, I am working on the Stavish process from Between the Gates and the Manifestation Meditation. The former is for occult skill that I think will aid the latter. The latter is really all I need. It will bring the bounty of the universe and make course corrections for me.
Am I a magician? I do not know. I do know I am Robert. That is a good thing.
*Dealing with Shit
The term "dealing with my shit" is common among those doing the Great Work. However, it implies that one has created one's own shit. You eat. You poop. It is yours. I am beginning to believe this is not entirely true. Yes, if I am a thief I have to deal with the mental and mundane consequences of my actions and this is dealing with my shit. However, what underlies that tendency is every life experience one has ever had.
Let us look at that for a moment. How many life experiences have you had that did not involve someone else? Most everything traumatic involves a milieu of other parties as do most happy events and memories. All of those other people are projecting their life experiences both good and bad. Sometimes, people are purely dealing with their garbage and it has very little to do with you. Heck sometimes, after eating a lifetime of bad borscht, people are projectile vomiting right in the middle of your shit! What a mess.
A large part of dealing with my issue, was riding myself of, refusing to own, other people's shit. So, I guess if I owned other people's shit, it became my shit that I had to deal with. However, it really was theirs. It is so much easier to deal with your own crap once you don't have to deal with anyone else's refuse being mixed in. Am I that different from everyone else doing this work? I don't think so.
So, is part of the process not only dealing with our own self-created dung, but dealing with other peoples' life excrement that somehow gets mixed in one's own bag of fertilizer? I think so. True enough people have told me this in different ways over the years but I have never seen it written or formalized into any teaching. Interesting.
The Mead Muse
I would like to introduce my readers to the Mead Muse. She is part of the Pagan Blog Project. Her posts reflect excellent writing skills, clear thinking, insight and a pagan perspective. If you are a pagan blog reader, I recommend that you spend some time with her.