To share how far ranging those issues were, they include relationships, lodge problems, past coven problems, work frustration, my harsh reaction to Christianity and evangelism, to dealing with people that cut me off in traffic and PTSD. It fell upon family issues and friendships, unspecified emotional angst and likely the very core of what I started GD work to accomplish.
All of it boiled down to one thing.
I firmly believed this break through came as a result of the Manifestation Meditation. That brought things into my life and then took them away. Those events were a tiny microcosm, a small nearly distorted reflection, of my issue.
I became ready to remove from my life every human being, every relationship, everything I valued at the drop of a hat. Once I was truly ready to let everything go, I found out I only had to willfully release one or two things. It would appear the rest remains for now. Once I was deeply ready to let people depart from my life, the information I needed appeared.
The errors I made and more significantly my reactions to the errors of others became the key. Another idea that contributed to the break through was the realization that no human holds the key to my spiritual growth. No one has greater insight than myself. Which is not, in any way, to diminish the value of friends and mentors. I always struggled spiritually to find the key to the universe, something that would truly unlock the doors and reveal a deeply connected spiritual life. Then I learned. There is no lock. The key is ecstasy.
Frankly, I am still not sure that I have ALL of it. There are some core causes to personality patterns that I need to investigate. These may be very difficult. They may send me temporarily back to the very dark place that I am emerging from. That said, I have the key to the gate that does not exist.
I am still not up to doing much magick. The reason is that right now I am a tabula rasa. Sam Webster of OSOGD fame once provided me with the following analogy. If a ball is rolling along a table and you want to change its direction, it takes a very strong force to accomplish that task. If the ball is stationary, balanced, it takes comparatively little energy to get it moving in the direction that you want it to go. Right now, I am the stationary ball on the table. I am carefully considering where I want to go. Until then, exposure to the forces of magick will be limited. I will expose myself to those things that can start the ball rolling once I figure out where I want to go.
I have joined something called the Pagan Blog Project. This was designed to get people to blog on certain pagan topics once a week. Originally, I thought it was going to be one topic for all of us. Now, I think it is more of a posting instigator. So, on Fridays, you may find topics here that I don't normally discuss. Whatever those are, it has to be better reading than the angst of the recent past.