Constraints

I have long been a proponent of constraints. When working to manifest the soul, one must be constrained by its attributes; one must stay within one's virtue. This is not a moral judgement. What may be within your soul-nature may fall outside of mine. It is fine for you to engage in whatever behaviors fall within the virtues of your soul even though I may be barred. Of course, the reverse is also true.

As we live within such confines, we manifest the will of our souls. While it sounds counter-intuitive, living this way is actually a freedom unsurpassed.

Then again, there is a form of constraint I do not endorse. This is constraint by fear. I have done it. I believe everyone that has walked on the path for any length of time has had such an opportunity tossed into their face. Most fail straight-away. A few take longer. The consequences can be devastating and usually lead to the first serious deconstruction one faces.

No one should fault the seeker that learns from this but s/he that continues to shake and tremble at the flames and the floods and the shadows of the night, have no part in the divine light. Harsh? Yes but true. That doesn't mean one cannot return. Indeed, since everyone fails sooner or later, it can be no other way.

Those that pander to fear have so many reasons. These can come from dogma, social morays, the opinion of others or the memories of pain. There are many ways to rationalize and only one to pass through.

Paying Attention

This will be a very short post.

The Manifestation Meditation has been very effective in providing lessons my soul felt I needed to learn. I have also managed to learn specific lessons I requested to learn. It is time to pay back myself and spend time tonight writing the book rather than here. I can't do the MM without getting a hit to write. So, off I go, to pay attention to the prompts I've been given.

Speaking of paying attention, Doing Magick received its 250th subscriber today. I appreciate your readership.

The Manifestation Meditation Scores Big

I traveled to Bakersfield this weekend for the first time in quite sometime. I was so warmly greeted by great friends. It is good to be loved.

There was some fear going in. I was expected to see an ex that I had fallen so deeply in love with and possibly her new beau Saturday night. Before arriving at the ritual site, I did the Manifestation Meditation asking that whatever happens manifest exactly as I need it. When you do this meditation, you have to be willing to accept the painful gifts along with the the joyous gifts. I was fearful of the painful gift I was about to receive. I hoped, in my selfishness, that this first time back, she would not be there. The future was fine but this time, I hoped not.

It turned out, they were not there. I thought that was the gift. It was not.

Sometime over the weekend, there was a conversation. I heard what I needed to hear. Those that practice magick understand the difference between asking for what you need and asking for the truth. In this case, one hopes they are the same but you never really know. Regardless, I got what I needed. There was some healing in that conversation, more than some. A lot of things clicked into place in a less difficult way. Immediately afterwards, there was a test. I passed.

Every time I turn around, this meditation has impact on my life in long-term positive ways. I haven't posted all of them. I cannot wait to finish this book and share this with others.

Imbolc

Saturday night's ritual held by my friend the Druid was awesome. Not only has his magick improved a great deal, which is great to see but one of his student's impressed me was well. Still, that was not the great part. The ritual was about healing. Person after person went to the fire, made a offering and prayed. Ninety-percent of the people were praying for someone else. In some cases, people the didn't know. That was awesome!

It was also cool to hear someone say a pray for a group of people that helped her and knowing part of her prayer was for me.

Only Half Way Up the Tree

I found a new blog by looking through posts on the Pagan Blog Project. The blog is called Standing at the Center.

The Frater makes the following statement: "A.'.A.'., much is made of the task of knowledge and conversation with the Holy Guardian Angel, but this experience is only half way up the Tree."

This is true. My experience with my HGA as a very tangible force was short lived. He shows up from time to time but for the most part is content with moments of inspiration. In my opinion, the task of the HGA is to take you to the next level. It knows your path back to the ultimate divine and it knows you. Therefore, It's job is to guide you there.

Mine did that with the Manifestation Meditation. He gave me the tool set. The rest of it is doing the work.

I am struggling with a contradictory mindset. On one hand, I have absolute faith in the Manifestation Meditation and what I am supposed to do with it. I am writing the book at a fair pace. Yet, I know I cannot really finish that yet because, well, I haven't gone through the entire process. That would be like a Theoricus (third initiation out of six or seven depending upon your viewpoint) writing about the Golden Dawn system. The ignorance would be astounding.  This problem is easily solved. I will write what I know and have it at the ready, modify it as I go and present the final document when I am confident I have it down via knowledge and experience.

The contradiction is that I am vacillating between this complete confidence in the  Manifestation Meditation and an utter disbelief in all things magick and mystical as simply so much delusion leading one down a path to no where. It is all in your head and it can't be real! But wait, why is your head less real than reality? Because I can just make anything up in there. But you do that out here too. Every experience is subjective;  you make it up.

I credit GD with getting me to my HGA on the one hand and seriously fucking me up on the other. The first part means that I know it works. Yet, I do not believe it works. Normally, the knowing and believing are reversed.

I am watching my life change through the  Manifestation Meditation . One obvious mundane item is that I eat 90% organic now. I can easily resist sweets, treats and unwholesome meats. My fruit and vegetable intake is huge in comparison to a few months ago. I do my own cooking and do not go out to eat anywhere unless I am out of town. This is not any work at all. There is no struggle. It simply is.

Work life has seen no frustration issues in a very long time. I see them coming now and easily stop them. It is odd watching other people get irritated now that I am detached from the insanity of my dysfunctional workplace as well as my own past insanity.

In many ways things are greatly improving. Maybe it isn't improving fast enough for me.

The night before last, I had a great MM. I was struck by a phrase I heard, "The purpose of life is to manifest the divine spark." Yes, for me that is the purpose. Maybe, I am just frustrated by the pace. I am not getting any younger. Maybe I have manifested that but I subjectively refuse to see own it.

B is for Bondage: Pagan Blog Project

Will you people get  your mind out of gutter?

There is a lot of talk about freedom in paganism. The restrictions of Christianity are as much social as they are Biblical. I once asked an evangelical what would happen if I walked into his church with long hair and wearing a gown. He said that I would be asked to leave. I told him that if Jesus walked into his church, dressed as he was at the time, his church would ask him to leave. I made the point that what they call holy and acceptable behavior has little to do with god and much to do with enforcing current social norms. We are not under the same restrictions as the dominant religion of the West or are we?

I know a very famous pagan who was chastised by his local community for not being polyamorous. After all, all real pagans are. I have heard this same thing being held against the less famous as well.  I know several woman that have a measure of the sight. They tend towards seeing the unpleasant and negative. Many people in these two woman's different communities shy away because 'they are not real'. Yet, someone with the sight that sees the positive is very welcome. I don't think one talent is more holy than the other but I do feel that the first two women are not as free to share their visions as is the one that sees positive things. I have been in communities were skyclad is more or less the norm, even at pool parties. I have been in communities that may shower fully clothed. However, the two seldom mix. Does this sound free to you?

To me, it sounds like the social rules that have nothing to do with our beliefs and everything to do with our fears. If they are naked, it will turn into a sex party! If they are not polyamorous, they think what we are doing is wrong. If she speaks of the negative things she sees, we can't pretend all is light. Boo!

This is fear based-hooha. Doubly negative because some pagans would like to be on the other side of these socially imposed rules but fear the social retribution and rightfully so. We live in bondage, just like the Christians do. If it is b.s. for them, it is b.s. for us. This is not good. We are pandering to our lower natures. We are making up rules which eventually allow us to say, "We are better than them." It doesn't matter if they are Christians or fellow pagans. We have created the same silly social dynamic.

There is a positive side to bondage. Sheesh, no, I am not talking about THAT.

A laser gains power by focusing diffuse light into a tight beam. Women have the power of birth because they can contain the fetus in an enclosed nurturing space. So too, does the Will of our soul manifest by staying within its own parameters. The fully expressed soul does not wander free but stays bound to its purpose.

Buddha was bound by his drive toward enlightenment. The fully realized artist is bound to create their art. These people would die sitting behind an accountants desk. My work appears to revolve around the manifestation meditation. I will stick close to that. If you are lucky enough to have found what your soul calls you to do, do it. Do not stray from it and weaken yourself, no matter what the social rules.

Qabala: My Perception of Soul Structure Part I

Given my emphasis on the manifestation meditation (MM), I've been using the word Neschemah a lot. This is one of the qabalistic divisions of the soul. There are other parts, Yechidah, Chiah, Greater Neschemah, Ruach, Nephesh, G'uph and the Automatic Personality. Perhaps that last one isn't orthodox. These are qabalistically accepted terms. Of course, I am not a scholar. I am a doer. Therefore, my experience with them may be different from what is generally accepted. I welcome corrections from the qabalistically educated.

The first thing you need in order to get an idea of this, is the glyph of the tree of life. Fortunately, for you, I have generously included a little picture for you that has been numbered for your convenience.

Sephira 1 (at the top) is Keter, the Crown. Attributed to it is the Yechidah. This can be translated as uniqueness. This is the part of you that is your divine spark and is a direct connect to "God". This is the most primally divine part of you  and was created as close to 'creation' as can be. It is so archetypal as to be vague and beyond real comprehension.

Sephira 2, Chockmah, Wisdom is assocated with the part of the soul called the Chiah or life force. This is male, fire and so close to creation we just cannot comprehend it either. This is a copy of of Keter in way. The Macrocosmic schtick is this was created so God could see its reflection in order to figure out what It is. Why "God" needs to know this is anyone's guess. In the microcosm, that desire (fire) to be understand ourselves and our place in the Universe and the Divine seems to come from here.

Sephira 3, is Binah, Understanding. If Chockmah is all that God is, this is what god is not. Chockmah is water, female. This is what connects us to all things in the universe. This part of the soul is the Neschemah. This is where real very deep intuition comes from. It is the mother's bond with the child. We can begin to comprehend this part of ourselves.

All three of them together, is the Greater Neschemah, the divine immortal part of your soul. This part is the only part of you that actually survives all phases of death and remembers the core lessons of all lifetimes. Drawing this down into the manifest world, in a real tangible way, is the work of the Manifestation Meditation. Clearly, I set my goals way too low.

The Ruach is composed of Sephiroth 4 through 9. I am not going to go into each one of them. This is your personality, it is planetary in form, and it is air, male. Is should be noted that the sephira 6, Tipereth, is the balance point and associated with the sun. (see references to the sun room in recent posts). It should also be noted that the first three sephira, 1, 2 and 3, when added, equal 6. This makes Tipereth the seat of the Greater Neschemah.

The ninth sphere is called Yesod, foundation. This is the home of a very problematic part of the soul called the Nephesch. This is the flight and flight instinct as well as the reproductive drive. It is airy, male and lunar. This causes all sorts of problems as it confuses normal things for life and death situations. Think of a cat startled by a book dropping to the floor about all the way across the room and bolting as if the sky was falling. This is your nephesch. Now add sex into the mix. BOOM!

The automatic personality, is composed of sephiroth seven through 10 and is elemental. This is the part of us that reacts to the programming and pain in our lives. It is ruled by the Nephesch, which interprets so much as life threatening (fear) or life continuing (sex) which in this context is really fear of death or irrelevance. Most people live here. The thoughts we have where we pretend to make rational decisions and then act are masks. They give us the illusion a better part of us is in control. Rationalization is the bane of us all.

The tenth sphere is the physical body, earthy. The part of the soul is the G'uph.

The trick of the manifestation meditation is to get all these parts of the soul lined up like a tumbler in a lock so the Greater Neschemah can manifest all the way down here. It is for this reason that it must first heal all those things that keep ourselves out of alignment before it can do the greatest of its work.

A great deal of that process, has been documented in this space.

Part II will deal with how I put these together as a personal view of the soul's operation in our lives, in accordance with the Manifestation Meditation.

Progress on Two Fronts

Stavish Progress

I have been eating nothing but organic foods. This is allowing me to nibble as I work and gives me my lunch hour to meditate. Okay, sometimes I take a quick cat nap but most days, I meditate.

Today, I realized in the middle of my meditation, that I was holding my arms out. If I was standing, I would have formed a T. Doing this with your eyes closed at work can get people talking. Fortunately, my physical arms were right where I left them. I realized my astral arms were in that outstretched position. I touched the back of my physical hands and I felt a physical tingle. I felt my closed door with the palms of my hands and I felt my palms physically tingle. So, I felt up my office for a while. This is a very good sign of growing astral ability.

Manifestation Meditation

Somewhere in 2008, I blogged about astral projecting from a dream into my physical house. I walked down my hallway, met the goetic spirit Bune and looked over his shoulder to see my temple room. The white light coming out of there was so bright that I could not look at it.

When I visit my astral temple of Malkuth, a house built on prayer, I can only get in so far before the bright light whisks me up to the sun room, which is an entirely different building. Today, I during the MM, I made the connection between those two things. The whole process is comprised of prayer and aspiration.

Humility

Tonight, I did the MM again. I was given my test of humility. Great. Joy.

Nutty

I will post more on the Greater Neschemah. In order to cover it well, it will be a lengthy post. I will get to it as it will help my define my ever-changing ontology.

Feeling the Neschemah

The last couple of nights doing the manifestation meditation have been startling. I've basically been told that now is the time not to worry about my Neschemah manifesting, it always does, but to FEEL it do so. In other words, being intuitively where of its direct action. This, I think, we allow me to differentiate between my stubborn 'little will' and it's divine will. I am PERFECTLY content with letting my Neschemah rule my universe. I have all but surrendered to that. If you haven't yet, I recommend it.

There are also the things I want to do. Having received no direction whatsoever to the contrary, I will pursue that. The problem lay in telling the difference. Hence, the instruction I am getting on feeling it work instead of thinking about it.

Today, I believe I felt it. I did not like the message. I will need to feel that again before acting on it. If that is the correct message I am getting, not acting is not an option. I'd rather go with it than resist. Resisting such a force that you've invoked is a bit stupid and will lead to disaster.

Also today, my mood has swung about like a confused compass. This is not me. Normally, I am reasonably study given no other influence or come back to my center for the day quite quickly. Last night and today have been a different story. I am thinking I am learning to my Neschemah through this process. Maybe.

Other

One of the people that I thought was going to take the Manifestation Meditation and run with it took one look at it, realized what it would do and said, "No Thank You." I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or proud of her.

Dreams

I did not recall any dreams last night.

Special To Anonymous

If you go to the web page instead of reading via email, http://doingmagick.blogspot.com you will see a email me button on the left. You do have to scroll down a bit. Emails are welcomed and are responded to.

Twitter

I now announce posts for the Pagan Blog Project on Twitter. Aside from those tweets and the occasional pun, I won't use that much. You can follow me there as @FraterRobert. 

Dream Progress

Manifestation Meditation

I have now sent the basic instructions to two experienced practitioners. One will grab on with both hands. The other will hesitate before doing it. The latter has agreed to let me blog about her experience.

Dream

Last night, I dreamed that I was someplace high up. I held on to one of those yellow plastic ribbon ties that hold boxes together for shipping. You sometimes see them wrapped around pallets of boxes on a truck. I asked for some instruction but then simple hung on and lowered myself to the ground. When I looked up the yellow plastic tie was blowing in the wind at least 500 feet up. I was blown away that I lowered myself all that way.

I think this is progress as I am often afraid of heights in dreams. I still think I have a ways to go as I did not realize how high I was.

Path that May Aid Theurgic Work?

Today, I learned something that disturbed me. I didn't like it but the person was honest about a past deception. I respect that as much as I was angered at the deception. This could have started the old obsession back again. I can't say what this was about but it wasn't about the topic of the obsession. It was about tangential behavior of people close to me that happened a few months ago. Once full disclosure was made during the course of the conversation, I felt better.

There is something within me that just abhors secrets. Socially, it really bothers me when the secrets are about me, like this was. On the other hand, this may be a an odd manifestation of my esoteric drive. My drive has never been for power but to manifest the best part of my soul. That manifestation is a secret of a different sort altogether. This is the healthy drive. The social stuff is the unhealthy version of the same drive.

Divine Secret -- Myself -- Social Secrets.

The last part of that is simply part of the normal decay process. This is simply what we see all the time. If we put it in Christian terms, we see the beauty of Christ's forgiveness, the devotee and the rationalization that one can do anything for all is forgiven.

Divine Gift -- Devotee -- all actions rationalized

Note that I am not saying all Christians do this, I am making an example of how something divine can degrade within our personality. I suspect, if we look at our major 'flaws' and trace them to a positive aspect, we may learn a great deal about ourselves.

I think this is a theme worth exploring as far as personal theurgic technique. Expect more thoughts on this.

The Mystery

Once I calmed down, so much more quickly than I would have even months ago, I felt an emotion. I have long said that I am not great at deciphering my own feelings. I did notice that I was experiencing something I could not name.

Because the gods are kind, I turned on a documentary about the bloodline of Christ. Likely, the documentary is bullshit. However, it instilled me with a sense of mystery. It immediately clicked that this was the emotion I could not name. A feeling of impending discovery! Maybe that discovery was the idea of looking to our self-perceived worst traits and finding a thread to something more positive.

Manifestation Meditation

Last night, I meditated it my spiffy new chair. Maybe that arrived to slowly bring me back into my temple room. Regardless, I loved the comfort of that chair as I meditated! That was money well spent and I'm cheap!

I spent that meditation in my sun room testing the compass mentioned in an earlier post. I am not sure I made any progress with that but I am going to learn how to use that well or discover it is some delusional or metaphorical form on the astral.

I moved away from that to the point of the MM. Suddenly, I felt a human form descend upon me. I think it was some part of my subtle body. It was then that I had a vision of a grey bearded man. The vision was very clear. He was smiling. this is not an unusual form in the GD egregore. Some say these are visions of the so-called secret chiefs. I am not willing to make that leap. However, vision was cool.

Did I mention that I have a new comfortable meditation chair?

Dreams


I dreamed that I was with a large family of brothers. These were rough and tumble country cowboy types. Oddly, they all were about the same age. All were married. There seemed to be a propinquity for them them to have affairs with each other's wives. This caused fist fights but everyone stayed together.

At some point, we were attempting to sleep in a desert cave mouth. We'd mine there in the morning. It was cold and I was told I would freeze without a blanket. I didn't bring one. One of the wives gave me a thin blanket that I am sure would have been little help. At this point, I woke up realizing that I had tossed my covers off in the night.

Interpretation

I am beginning to think I dream often of situations that involve betrayal. In this case, brothers having affairs with brother's wives. I am going to have to review the posts and see if I am correct. I am disappointed that I haven't had a lucid dream yet.

dream: cowboy type people, lots of brothers, sleeping with their brother's wives, lots of fights but a life style they all seemed to passively enjoy.

I was cold camping outside. They told me to get a blanket or I would freeze. I hadn't brought anything but there was something light I could use. I was cold as I had kicked off the blankets in real life.

The Joy of Listening

From the Thoth Tarot 

Today, I listened to the voice of my Greater Neschemah or whatever it is that speaks to me from the sun room and worked diligently on the Manifestation Meditation book. I cranked out 1,000 good words and 250 that will need editing. Those will kick off the next session. I have the introduction and two chapters complete enough that I would send them to an editor.

I experienced great joy and happiness as I wrote and for some time after. When you follow the dictates of your soul, joy is the result. This was captured with the Prince of Wands card of Crowley's Thoth Tarot. This is one of my birth cards.

Tonight, I plan some more writing.








Chair

Today, I installed a new meditation chair in my temple. It is mission style as I have always wanted a mission style meditation chair. I have no idea why and I don't care. I finally bought it. It is too big for the temple space. It will likely be moved to a special corner of the house dedicated only to meditation.

Dreams

I didn't sleep well last night due to physical reasons. I do not remember any dreams.

Manifestation Meditation: Sun Room

Manifestation Meditation

Previously, I posted that I did the MM and found a temple in Malkuth. In Qabala, the angel of Malkuth is Sandalphon. S/he is closely associated with prayer. The temple is obviously a place of prayer. I have only been in the entrance way and hallway. Once I get to a certain point inside, I fly up to a higher place. Recently, I cannot even get that far inside. Once I get close enough to the building, up I fly.

I land in a place of a higher level of my soul. I land in a place with solar imagery. From there, I am talking to something. It is either my HGA, but that isn't the sound of his voice, nor do I see him, or my Greater Neschemah or some other version of me that I am not aware of.

What I do know is that it is odd to get chastised by your Self. The book on the Manifestation Meditation is LOUDLY being proclaimed as part of my Life Work. Interestingly, I was told to allow my ego to fantasize about huge sales and that sort of thing, if that is the motivation I need to do it. Of course, I was told that was crap. However, to use my ego if I needed to.

Today, at lunch, I did the meditation. In the "sun room" as I will now call it, I found a compass. It is a strange device. It points due East. I could ask the compass questions about what to do. If my course of action was not 'correct', the needle would swing violently. If it wanted to instruct me as to what was not correct, it would arc back and forth to the cardinal point representative of the incorrect action. Like my failure to work on the MM book, pushed the need South. Fire - will, desire - misapplied. The answers I found within the compass were obviously correct.

This is a personal tool that I pray lasts a long time. I want to live by that compass for a while and see how things work out. I hope this wasn't a one off thing.

Psychic Experience

Today, I had an internal conversation with a former lover. I was just thinking of her, in a non-romantic way, and her voice popped into my head. We had a brief conversation. I used to think the other person had to be aware of these conversations for them to be 'true'. I am now believing that we can connect with people in such ways when they do not know of it or remember it.

In a related area, WitchDoctorJoe has a great post on intuition called B is for Biopsy. He is doing the Pagan Blog Project too.

Dreams

I recall two dreams from last night. My dream recall is obviously getting better.

I was going to visit my father. There was a very difficult turn left turn to make. I was at a stop sign, near an oncoming curve on a busy road. In order to make a left, I had to risk being in a blind area for oncoming traffic. The signs to the 99 Freeway were none existent. The sign I did see referred to two different freeways in opposite direction. I decided to go left.

As I said the traffic was heavy. Eventually, I just floored it and made it in. Though, the car hestitated at just the wrong moment. As soon as I got on that road, I was in front of an expensive house with a good amount of land in front of it. I knew this was my dad's though he didn't live there in life. I found him laying on his back dead in the front yard. He was partially 'in' the earth and partially above it. His body was covered with a green substance that was hard and dry. I went to clear his nostrils of the stuff but they were clear. I could see the precise point where the green stopped.

This is a high level of detail for a dream of mine.

Finding dad dead, difficult turn onto 99, no signs, trying to get to Bakersfield. Traffic heavy, making a left from a stop sign. Eventually went for it, car sputtered, dangerous but no accident. Went to dad's mansion.

Dream Two

I lived in a older but very quaint suburban neighborhood. The lady next door cleaning our step and gate  area. There was an emotional hint that we do not do a very good job with our lawn There were lots of people in the house, all female, witches. The age range was from kids to old people.

A beautiful 18 year old naked woman made it clear she wanted me. I was very kind turning her away, I gave her soft kiss on the forehead like I sometimes do to express close friendships with women.  I felt like a loving uncle only there was no such relationship. She kept trying, the older women eventually said that they had no problem with what she was doing but she was making them uncomfortable and to go put some clothes on.

The same dream moved with much of the same people to some kind of court proceeding. There was a bus ride to get there. We stopped at a fast food restaurant to eat. In court, the proceedings started when the court clerk came in a booted up his pc. He was late. The pc started playing music that interrupted the court. I found it odd the judge didn't say anything. There was only a little testimony but I can't recall what was said.


My Take

The first dream was odd. I give myself credit for seeing fine detail in the dream. Green is the color of proper desire at this point for me. I am sure that figures into it but I am not sure how.

The second dream shows that I have a chance of not falling for the naked woman trick the next time I have a lucid dream. When I am lucid, if I respond to a woman at all the dream ends.

B is for Body: Pagan Blog Project

As a long time practitioner in the Golden Dawn style of magick and personal alchemy, one of the things I think is missing from that path is physical fitness. Given the vast influence the original order had on modern neo-paganism, it is no surprise that this unfortunate omission has become the standard in every tradition of the West that I am aware of.

New readers may not be aware that I am often in horrendous pain from a bad back. In the interests of full disclosure, I carry some extra weight and was never a physically fit person. Though, until the back injury, I was pretty athletic.

That said, I've been deeply deeply depressed twice in my life. Both times, exercise in the form of long walks aided my recovery. According to the Mayo Clinic exercise releases "feel-good brain chemicals" that aid depression. Exertion also reduces immune system chemicals that are not helpful in such situations. The increase in body temperature may also calm the mind. The linked article also mentions other benefits.

So, if exercise helps when one is depressed, what value is it in every day life? Can it prevent depression? What would the release of "feel-good brain chemicals" do for a person in a normal mood? Would such chemicals aid you in your magical studies, dedication or general joyous pagan mood? Take care of your body and you just may find yourself taking care of your spirit too.

Taking care of your body takes care of your magick too. One of the watchwords of magickal training is discipline. As such, a regular active routine can fit quite nicely into any esoteric training program. This double backs completing the circle as it helps your body too. If  you make it part of your spiritual discipline, you are more likely to go out on those days you really would rather be watching television. This will not only keep you going but reinforce your discipline in other areas of your spiritual practice.

As someone carrying extra weight, I can testify that it can cause some body discomforts. These discomforts can interfere with meditation and the concentration necessary to do magick well. Even with extra pounds, regular exercise seems to allow my body to relax in a way that alleviates this problem.

Those feel-good brain chemicals are an aid to concentration, a calm mind and thus the focus necessary to study and do magick. For me, it aids my ability to fall asleep quickly and wake up more refreshed.

We often feel shame about our bodies due to a lack of fitness. I have long been an opponent of guilt/shame when it comes to magick. Those emotions can really mess up some otherwise technically proficient work leaving the results either lackluster or disastrous. Given our  historically puritanical culture, I have often advised against sex magick, not because it is inherently bad but because cultural guilt sometimes gets mixed in. Sex magick should not be done if you have general guilt feelings about sex. The same applies to you. If you're ashamed of any part of yourself, your magick will suffer accordingly.

Recently, in reading Mark Stavish's Between the Gates (highly recommended) he makes similar comments. He says that positive attitudes are paramount in magick. However, any emotion contradiction trumps any positive attitude. Americans, especially women, have HUGE body issues emotionally. They feel unbeautiful, unloved and ashamed. This is very sad. It is also a huge magickal problem. If you do effective magick now but are ashamed of yourself, image what you could do if you weren't? I'm about to say some controversial things. However, the goal is to help you make your magick better.

There is a certain freedom hinted at and sought after in paganism. One of the most freeing aspects of our religion is the ability to work skyclad in appropriate situations. Many pagans have such deep body issues that they deprive themselves of this joyous activity. "I am free! I am woman (or man) ! As long as I can hide my physical imperfections." This is the equivalent of a Christian dressing up for church as if looking respectable and 'proper' makes one clean before the eyes of God. In paganism, the idea is different. There is nothing I can hide from the gods. I cannot hide my thoughts, my actions or my body.  Exercise aids the thoughts, is a valuable earthy action and renders the body something that doesn't need hidden. It reflects a positive attitude and a thankfulness for the body the gods have provided.

Many women refuse to go sky-clad with men present. There are a range of excuses but they seem to boil down to two. The first is their own body issues and insecurities. Working to get over such things is part of the work one should be doing as a pagan. Being ashamed of any part of yourself is NOT conducive any sort of spiritual or magick work. These subconscious attitudes infect one's magick in all sorts of hidden ways. Getting over this sort of shame is crucial.

The second reason is fear of what the men will do. This has always led me to ask one question, "If you can't trust them, why in the name of all that is good and holy are you in circle with them?" Do you think a magickal circle is just a play thing? Do you think a circle is just like going to church and not quite believing what you hear? Magick is real. A well-cast circle with a solid working can lead to all sorts of personal issues spewing out for all to hear. These are cathartic moments. People learn about the bomb a parent dropped on you when you were six. People see your scars and see the snot running down your nose as you cry them out. You damn well should be able to trust the people you are with to keep their mouths shut and treat your painful emotions with the deep respect they deserve. What happens in circle stays in circle. I won't circle with people that do not understand where they are and the responsibility that entails. If I am in circle you can confess to murder and I am keeping my mouth shut. You're willing to expose yourself that intimately I have to respect that. You are exposing yourself that you may heal and grow. You can do that in front of them and you are afraid the men can't handle seeing your pubes? Really? If they are that kind of creepy, don't circle with them. If they are decent good men, then drop the robes and get to work.*

I have heard one valid reason for not dropping the robes as it applies to both men and women. My other-religion spouse would be mad/hurt/upset/confused/wouldn't like it. If you took the oath you made to that person before you took whatever oaths brought you into circle, you are obligated to work with the spouse on this one. You are also obligated to find away around the situation if you can at all, for your own personal growth.  The magickal path is not easy.

Personal note: I put my legs where my mouth is, as of this writing, I walk two to four miles a day.

* This applies to a magick working circle, not a public devotional. Also, this is a higher standard than I would apply to a GD Lodge open in initation style. That is a formal ceremony and the trust there is of a much different form.

Stavish Progress

Stavish Progress

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss's boss. I saw an ill-defined but obviously purple aura around him. I don't think I've ever seen so much color nor that large of an aura. I do believe this is the result of the Stavish meditation.

Dream

Last night, I had a removed dream. By that, I mean I watched the actions of others. I have noticed that I have this point of view for at least part of most dreams. I think this is a sign of greater perspective and a step toward being more lucid.

This dream was 100% removed. I watched a little brown man running around in the mundane world. He was causing trouble purposefully. This was not a nice fellow. This dream had a view like a sky down view in a low grade video game. This part alone made the dream fascinating.

My Gal told me the dream I reported yesterday was about her. She had some good points. She was trying to astral project to me and didn't get here. It could be a picked up on part of her. I don't know. This dream is was also about someone I know.

Pagan Blog Project

The pagan blog project has grown to huge proportions. Eighty or so blogs are posting on the project. There is now a list for each week's posts. This link is for the January 6 week. You can hit next for each succeeding week. If you're a blog reading addict, this is a bonanza!

Guardian of the Threshold, Stavish, Dream

Guardian of the Threshold

One of the odd things about facing this personal demon, is the guilt. This isn't about feeling guilty about facing the demon, how I faced it, what caused me to face it, or the situation that caused the initial trauma of my PTSD.

The odd part of this is the guilt that is gone. That guilt was for all the misdemeanors committed throughout a lifetime. Little crimes never even thought about as well as, those that did cause conscious guilt, such as my getting cranky and reactionary at work.

Funny thing, I remember my mentor referencing something like this from his own life.

Of course, there is a danger here. Do I really need to be specific about that?

Results of Stavish Meditation

There is a fellow at work I have a great deal of respect for. The last couple of days I have been seeing more of his aura. For years, I've seen light around people's heads. Normally, this is blue when people are speaking from authority or teaching. This guy, M, is someone I view as an authority on just being a good human. So, I see blue around him from time to time. The last couple of days I've seen the blue merge into  green and rose pink around his trunk. I think this small measure of sight is the result of the Stavish meditaitons.

Dream

I was in Fresno, CA near Blackstone and Herndon avenues with with a friend. We were running errands. We saw an open apartment where there is none in real life. I am also not friends with this person in normal awareness.

I said that I should have to lived there before I moved into my current house. The door was open as the place was for rent. Upon entering, I couldn't tell if the apartment was an apartment or a business space that may have been used as a nail salon. I suppose you could have converted it either. Two pretty young women where there. In a back room was an older woman. They viewed us with indifference

Suddenly, the dream moved to a pool area and my dream friend was doing some maintenance on it. The pool was in the same general area as the apartment. He couldn't drain it completely and then someone pointed out that it was fed directly from the sea, "Oh Natural salt water!" He commented.

Then a real life's friend's son was in the car. A voice in my head said that he had come out as bisexual but only dated women. This confused me. I mean if you're a switch hitter, why only hit from one side but to each his own. I know this guy in real life. He is a good guy. I have no idea if he is bisexual or not.

We were driving somewhere with this beautiful 18 year-old blond with big curly 80's hair. I was careful not to do anything that would make her think I was making a pass at her but there was three of us in the front seat so we had to sit close. She realized what I was doing and commented that it was okay. I put my arm around her as much for comfort as anything else. Then she said something about it being more than ok and planted a nice deep kiss on me. It wasn't the best kiss I have ever had but kissing anyone that isn't your sister is a good thing. We got to our destination and she left.

My friend's son said, "Well, you getting into a relationship with  [name forgotten] would be very interesting." The word interesting meant, not good at all, but it would be momentarily fun.

This dream was very vivid and very well remembered.

My take on the dream:

I have experienced trauma in the house I live in. That trauma occurred within weeks of moving in here. Had I lived elsewhere first, there would be no reminders here.

The second most important part of the dream was the sea water. Our emotions all run deep and are inexhaustible. We cannot completely drain them. They are part of this life and should be. 
realized i genuinely like my friends son, he is a good egg.

The most important part was how I felt waking up after that dream kiss. There was an emotion of 'new relationship lust'. Frankly, I am too old to get into interesting relationships that end in trouble like the one in the dream would have. That said, the emotion was a key to working with dreams consciously. Let us say that I wanted a relationship like the one in the dream. In a lucid dream, one could 'manufacture' that emotion and then use that emotion within the dream space to do magick to get that relationship.

Like I said, I don't want a relationship like that but this was a big clue to dream work for me.

The last part that is important was that I figured out that I genuinely like my friend's son. He is a good young man. Sometimes, I don't realize such things. I am glad I know now.

Just a Dream Post

As you know, I'm back to an astral projection kick. I realized through dream tracking that my dreams often occur outdoors. So, when I go outside, I am ask myself, "Am I dreaming?" It is my hope that I will do this mid-dream and have some lucid dreams.

Dreams

Last night I did not need pain medication. That may have helped me remember some dreams.

There was some sort of practical joke that I witnessed. A person that normally goes out to lunch at work walked in with a full turkey dinner all to himself. This was a tv show type of event that wasn't all that funny. The work place seemed a bit futuristic, I am not sure why I feel that way, and industrial.

A different dream started at a point where whomever was looking for me got the drop on me but then I had to teach him how to stand and what to say.

In the same dream, there was also a scene in which I was the director of a movie. There was a test run of a stunt where two objects, maybe a robot and a man, fall from the sky. They landed where they were supposed to but there was no saftey equipment. So, they thudded straight into the ground. I said, "So that worked." This was like a movie of a movie and it had a Mel Brooks type comedy angel to it. Again, I didn't find it funny at all.

Since, the symbol I am working this week is air. So, I asked myself how these dreamy airy?

The first one only because it started outdoors in a green field. Only later did it move into the lunch room at the plant. The second because it was full of "jokes" that were so bad, even I didn't' find them funny. Also, the falling objects from the sky could be airy.

Synthesis

Today, I visited the shrink's office. About 20 minutes in we just stared at each other. There was nothing to say. I knew we were done two weeks ago but in this moment, he realized that we had completed our time together. He asked questions about every issue we had talked about. I spoke with ease of each. The details of my current life bore out that I had left them behind and now own a new perspective. These answers confirmed my new state of health. Once he confirmed with me verbally that we were done, he asked for a copy of my book upon its completion.

Little does he know, he'll be listed in the acknowledgments.

Israel Regardie wrote that psychotherapy is necessary to complete the work of the outer order of the Golden Dawn. I am not sure that I agree that everyone needs it but I certainly did. In my work in that tradition I alchemically purified so many things. I did the Work but there was one hump I needed non-occult help to get past. That hump was a ball of issues that looked like many but was really only one. The process of getting past that one issue, released my spirit.

My outer order work is complete.

Within me is the transformative fire that I need to continue this spiritual journey and share with those in need. Within me is the cool green fire of proper of desire. Upon my brow is the sun of my spirit. The various levels of my soul and body now work with me instead of being in disharmony. And, within every part of me, is the undying complete and utter faith of my soul's higher purpose. Like the Neteru, I unfold into existence.

By human standards, I am still imperfect. Life will still get hard sometimes but the underlying theme is now living with my spirit instead of trying to find it. Life is exciting.

Manifestation Meditation Book

I did some very nice writing on this today.

Dreams

I awoke this morning remembering a very detailed dream. Once again, I was in a city. However, as soon as I remembered, it was gone. Completely. Poof! It was there one second and about to be written down and the next it was gone. Shrug.

The last few days, I have been on pain meds. They were necessary for sleep. That may explain why the dreaming is more difficult to grab onto. I am not sure.

Learning Curve

The Manifestation Meditation (MM) should work on its own. All I have to do is ask my Neschemah (Highest Soul) to manifest in my life. It will bring with it what It and I need. I have complete faith in this. For me, it is factual.

So, I was thinking doing any other form of magick would be completely unnecessary. The error behind that thinking is that it doesn't work by analogy. If that was true then I wouldn't have to actively participate in anything at all. This is not how life works.

The difference is that i know what I am supposed to know and I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to get this book out about this meditation. However, inspiration hasn't struck nor has motivation. It looks like I will be doing some magick to make that happen.

Manifestation Meditation, Inner Peace, Dreams and Gratitude

Manifestation Meditation


This happened about about 10:50 AM yesterday. 

In qabala-based ceremonial magick, we are taught to build astral temples for each sephiroth. Those working in the earth grade build an earth temple on the astral for Malkuth, the tenth sephira. Those in an air grade build one in Yesod etc. I did the basic work but frankly, this did not resonate with me a great deal. I am not devaluing the practice. It is one of those that I fully recommend. It should be done. The result is practice and very useful. It just wasn't a big deal for me.

Today, I was thinking of the Manifestation Meditation (MM) and suddenly an image popped into my mind. Here is my earth temple. I went to my meditation place and did the MM. My temple came before my eyes. I entered the vestibule of this holy place, walked down its hall and suddenly found myself above it and moving higher.

I continued with the meditation as I ascended. I felt love and peace. I was 'told' to make that feeling move to other areas of my being. It isn't' enough to have it in your head/heart. I then both 'pushed' and 'allowed' that feeling to reach into my belly, which held some fear. Soon, I was past that and moved the feeling all the way down to my feet.

In that state, I received a variant to the MM that I immediately adopted. Then, the most extraordinarily thing happened. I saw my spiritus mundi. The house of my soul. Within, I found a green flame that felt cool and refreshing like spearmint gum. Of this, I enjoyed while still performing the MM mantra. In this state, I found my sun.

Inner Peace

For all of you that struggle to find inner peace, contentment and a relegation of the past to the past, let me assure you that it is possible to find what you seek.

Dreams

Part of the Stavish process is that after doing the meditation, you picture a symbol with you as  you fall asleep. The first week is earth, now completed. The second week is air. I am on my second day of air. I have woken up once or twice each night from a dream. I think, "oh, I will remember that." Of course, I forget but I do know that I am dreaming.

(Saturday/Sunday)I do remember walking through a city. There were no turns to make. I just had to walk straight up a street but it was a good distance. I believe I was there to investigate a case of child abuse. I am not sure if I was  law enforcement but I had an official reason for being there.  I do recall seeing something that hinted at sister/sister incest going on that occurred in the middle of some baseball-like game being played indoors. The hint was non-sexual more like a gesture or an intuitive leap from a gesture. The dream was not sexy in anyway.

Gratitude

I am grateful for Lavanah. However, whenever she reads this space and has found me down, with exquisite timing she sends me a nice little email of peace and reassurance It is like receiving a comforting hug from a dear friend. It is amazing to me that she can instill in me such a sense of being cared for with a few lines in a short email. She brings me peace when I need it most. It is more amazing because we've never met.

Am I a Magician?

Am I a magician?

Without any angst at all I can answer, I don't know. My confrontation with the guardian of the threshold or my dark night of the soul has left me changed. For the first time in my life, I am in love -- with me. I feel clean, whole, refreshed, confident, realistic, and spiritual. Most of the time I am in a particularly good mood. I still get amazed that the rest of you have lived all this time in a relatively good mood. Why didn't anyone tell me such a thing was possible?

At this time, I simply cannot walk into my temple space and remain for more than a minute or two. Certainly, there is not enough time even to do a Q-Cross or a Middle Pillar exercise. I have no desire to study or learn magick. I certainly do not want to do any. Of course, I've realized this for a long time now. Back then, I decided to do nothing and let my mind, heart and/or soul prompt me to get back to things when I could.

I am beginning to believe that I have a life's work and practice. That practice is the Manifestation Meditation. Assuming that it worked as I believed it did, I am not sure what else I would ever need to do. In my mind, the manifestation meditation brought people and events into my life that I needed to experience. I learned so much from those experiences. When I had enough input, these things went away. Crisis after crisis occurred until I was left with just little ol' me to deal with. Yes, I had a wonderful and long list of very supportive friends. Thinking about them literally brings a tear to my eye. However, in like all other forms of death, I was alone. I had to deal with long-term issues. I had to deal with my shit.*

I dealt with those issues. I found them to be false -- illusions all. They are no longer part of me. I like that a lot.

Yet, I am left with this man, an oddly happy man, who likes to cook. I do not seek the power of magick because I have the power of my soul. Right now, that soul is quiet. It doesn't need to be unleashed because it is united with the All in a way the rest of me doesn't quite feel but knows is true.

So for right now, I am working on the Stavish process from Between the Gates and the Manifestation Meditation. The former is for occult skill that I think will aid the latter. The latter is really all I need. It will bring the bounty of the universe and make course corrections for me.

Am I a magician? I do not know. I do know I am Robert. That is a good thing.

*Dealing with Shit

The term "dealing with my shit" is common among those doing the Great Work. However, it implies that one has created one's own shit. You eat. You poop. It is yours. I am beginning to believe this is not entirely true. Yes, if I am a thief I have to deal with the mental and mundane consequences of my actions and this is dealing with my shit. However, what underlies that tendency is every life experience one has ever had.

Let us look at that for a moment. How many life experiences have you had that did not involve someone else? Most everything traumatic involves a milieu of other parties as do most happy events and memories. All of those other people are projecting their life experiences both good and bad. Sometimes, people are purely dealing with their garbage and it has very little to do with you. Heck sometimes, after eating a lifetime of bad borscht, people are projectile vomiting right in the middle of your shit! What a mess.

A large part of dealing with my issue, was riding myself of, refusing to own, other people's shit. So, I guess if I owned other people's shit, it became my shit that I had to deal with. However, it really was theirs. It is so much easier to deal with your own crap once you don't have to deal with anyone else's refuse being mixed in. Am I that different from everyone else doing this work? I don't think so.

So, is part of the process not only dealing with our own self-created dung, but dealing with other peoples' life excrement that somehow gets mixed in one's own bag of fertilizer? I think so. True enough people have told me this in different ways over the years but I have never seen it written or formalized into any teaching. Interesting.

The Mead Muse

I would like to introduce my readers to the Mead Muse. She is part of the Pagan Blog Project. Her posts reflect excellent writing skills, clear thinking, insight and a pagan perspective. If you are a pagan blog reader, I recommend that you spend some time with her.

A is for Advice: Pagan Blog Project

The Pagan Blog Project is a lose knit group of over 100 bloggers that has agreed to post every Friday on a Pagan topic. Each week the posts all begin with a topic with a given letter of the alphabet. This week is the second A post. Next Friday will be "B is for Body".

New pagans and aspiring occultists get offered a lot of advice mostly because they ask for it. The upside is that everyone means well. The downside it is that it is all contradictory. So how is a person supposed to figure out what to do? Read a book? Aside from the facts conveyed, isn't that advice in a different form? Every book is trying to lead you somewhere. How do you know when to follow and when to run?

Beats me.

Here are some educated guesses born of experience.

When you run into someone that you think knows more than you, don't ask questions about their craft or tradition. Ask about the person. Learn about life experiences, magickal and mundane. Learn about the person's stated code of ethics. Keep in mind, few actually live by these all the time but what a person says about ethics is at least what s/he aspires to be.

Do other people respect this person? This is different than being drawn to the person.

Do other people tell you this person knows their stuff? Do people say complimentary things about the work they do within their tradition? How do they handle the person that does not like them? Would you introduce this person to people you respect and admire?

How many people claim this person screwed them over personally? That doesn't mean the speaker simply didn't match the tradition and washed out. It means something personal. If you know more than one person that is very careful to keep an arms length from your prospective adviser, stop and look a lot more closely.

Does what he says ring true? This means that you feel the person is not only being honest and sharing his knowledge but does it hit you in the gut as true for you too? If the first is true and and not the second, you've found a friend but not someone to follow spiritually.

The best advice to follow is your own. Listen to your voice that says jump in or stay away.

Short Dream Post

Last night, I had a dream that felt like I was in the same town the British version of Shameless is filmed in. That was I remember. See? Truth in advertising. I said it was a short post.

Manifestation Meditation

I started doing this last night again.

Hodge Podge

This is more of an administrative post than anything else. I am going to cover the Stavish technique I am using, some life changes, how I will record dreams in this space and a reference to my previous Affirmations post.

Stavish

Right now I am doing two things from the Stavish book. The first is a purification meditation. This involves seeing above you the sun on your right, the moon on your left with the downward apex of their triangle at the top of your head. The resulting energy is purifying, according to the author. After what I've just been through, it feels very clean.

The odd part is that when I do this I see this cool transformative white fire within me. I enjoy the sight of it.

The second part is visualizing an indigo ball at the nape of the neck. Then seeing particular symbols in front of you according to what stage one is in. This part is to facilitate lucid dreaming.

This has created the dreams recently reported.

Dream

Speaking of which, last night I dreamed of a cow. I only remember seeing the cow. I have no idea what
this means nor do I care.

Dream Posting

From now on, I will do my best to put all dream reports at the bottom of the post. A lot of people don't like reading about dreams. However, given I am back on a lucid dreaming kick, I feel I should report on them. They will also be labeled as Dream and then the night. So the dream I have on a Sunday night will be labelled Dream - Sun/Mon. If I have one on Monday it will be labeled as Dream - Mon/Tues. My diligent readers are welcome to point out patterns that I may be missing.

Minor Changes

This seems small thing but a big thing. I am enjoying coming home at night. I am looking forward to writing the meditation book and some fiction. I am enjoying all the exercise I am getting. I also feel a lot better eating organic foods.

Affirmations Post

I saw a good take on affirmations on another blog. I thought I'd link it here for those of you interested in affirmations. I wish I added this take to my previous words.

Returning to a Practice and Dreams

As only the most long time of readers may remember, this blog started out with me working with the Mark Stavish masterpiece Between the Gates. I was trying my hand at lucid dreaming and astral projection. These things I can only do sporadically now. I am going to back to that practice as a gentle way of easing my way back into working.  I will provide more technical details in future posts about the procedure.

In the next section, I will outline some dreams that I believe are the result of the two nights' of practice I've had so far. Oddly they both involved WitchDoctorJoe.

Before I get there, I need to mention that my ability to study is coming back. I am using the insights that I gained from my previous experience to do a better job of studying. I have plans to seriously study Between the Gates and JMG's Geomancy Handbook. Stay tuned to these pages for the result. You'll know if I do a better job or not.

I am also closer embarking on the Manifestation Meditation again. I am entertaining the idea that I can use that as a primary practice and bring into my life whatever my highest soul wants and needs me to explore.

Dreams

Sunday night's dream was of war. I was part of the US Army. The first part of the dream that I remember was of being in the back of a troop truck in an orchard very close the the front lines. A friend was next to me. I'd watch our advancing troops come around a corner and simply not being careful enough for hte situation. I commented to my buddy that they are doing it wrong. He agreed. I found this sad. There were even people trying to show me how to fire their weapons but they didn't know how.

My interpretation of this is my brain working through the idea that in the past I didn't look hard enough when turning life's corners. Also, that humans in general really do not understand the 'weapons' they possess in life. This knowledge would do most us much good. 

I then found myself attacking a weapons complex. I was in the corridors. Witchdoctorjoe was searching for his kids, which were being taken away by a woman that is not his wife. I found myself rooting for Joe while being on 'her side' of the conflict. Yes, this means I was on the enemy's side, rooting against them in Joe's case.

Suddenly, I was in the body of the leader of the enemy group doing a vibratory formula for Hitler! Now, I am on the US Side, in the enemies leader body, doing an adoration to Hitler and working to do it well! Holy smokes.

Upon that ebbing, I'm suddenly back in my role as a US soldier and noticing that somehow my adoration destroyed all the chemical weapons we were trying to destroy.

My interpretation is that I am playing with unifying complete opposites. Neither 'good' or 'evil' seemed to impact me at all. 

As I exited the complex I was able to find my personal keys, wallet and pocket stuff even though I knew the war had left my possessions back home unusable.

Monday Nights Dream was the aftermath of some disaster or war. I was in a suburban city that was mostly empty. I could see no destruction. Witchdoctorjoe was there and I made a variety of friends quickly.

Oddly, I saw about half a football team practicing. It was then I noticed I had encountered no women at all.

There was a hotel room we could sleep in but only two rooms were unlocked. It was catch as catch can. I am not sure why no one I knew utilized the homes that were obviously empty except that I had the impression of the stench of rotting food as whatever happened happened quickly. Maybe it was the idea of bodies rotting in the homes? (htat is an awake thought)

My interpretation is that right now my life is empty in a lot of ways because the debris left behind from my deconstruction hasn't fully decayed yet. What I have in my life is a lot friends that love me. 

Success! Manifestation Meditation

I am very pleased with my Manifestation Meditation practice.

The meditation works by invoking the Greater Neschemah in such a way that that the lower bodies do what they have to do in order to align with it. In my case, they brought some things into my life only to have me attach and then ripped them away. This created quite the crisis as you've read about.

That crisis ripped a hole in my fixed universe. It did this at the same time other people's universe's were being turned upside down. People died, not by direct cause or coincidence but through timing. I collided with others when their guards were down due to their issues. The education I therefore received was phenomenal. This in turn dovetailed into what I was speaking to the shrink about.  It revealed that everything I've been fighting has had one cause and only one cause.

Said cause was easy to handle. All that prior GD prep work and willingness to go within helped tremendously. The issues I faced where not there due to lack of trying. My mentor couldn't help. Friends couldn't help. Several shrinks could not help. The Helpful Deity did calm things down a lot. Now that past seems so long ago that it is more like a dream than yesterday. Thirty days ago, had I owned a gun, it would have been loaded in my hands and at my head. Today, I'm a new man.

In GD parlance, there comes a time when one has to be one's own reconciler. I did that with the Manifestation Meditation.

Given my experience, I am modifying the technique as I write my book about it in hopes others can use it for the same life altering impact.

I've been through a lot of turmoil recently because of the Manifestation Meditation. However, I'd do it all again because of the life changing impact it had. In fact, you'll be reading about me doing it again and again after this healing solidifies. To that end, you may enjoy this:

The Way of Transformation

The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive.

Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a "raft that leads to the far shore."

Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring. Thus, the aim of (spiritual) practice is not to develop an attitude which allows a man to acquire a state of harmony and peace wherein nothing can ever trouble him. On the contrary, practice should teach him to let himself be assaulted, perturbed, moved, insulted, broken and battered - that is to say, it should enable him to dare to let go his futile hankering after harmony, surcease from pain, and a comfortable life in order that he may discover, in doing battle with the forces that oppose him, that which awaits him beyond the world of opposites.

The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. When this is possible, meditation itself becomes the means by which we accept and welcome the demons which arise from the unconscious, a process very different from the practice of concentration on some object as a protection against such forces.

Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of New Life and Becoming opened.

The Way of Transformation by Karlfried Gras von Durkheim

Follow Up to Affirmations: Pagan Blog Project

The Nutty Professor asked a question regarding the Pagan Blog Project Post on Affirmations.

Can you say a little about the relationship between affirmations and visualization? is there a difference between prayers, verbal rituals of evocation/invocation and affirmation when you boil it down?

It should be noted that I am not a scholar. My response is how I work with these concepts and my understanding of them.

Affirmations

Affirmations basically a consciously selected repeated thought are often performed by people that believe that the power of positive thought can achieve anything. I believe things are more complex.

Let us say that I want to make more money. If I fully believed in affirmations, I may repeat to myself, "I am attracting wealth every day. My wealth will attract even greater wealth. I am rich today and every day." There are so many ways to analyze this that I am at a loss to pick which one.

Would this work if I just repeated it while watching Dodger games and made no effort to get the education I needed, a second job to start the ball rolling or some other investment of time or money? Maybe but only if I had a business set up and operating. The universe just may open up a stroke of luck in the form of new customers and more income. The profits from that may be sufficient to take something successful and propel it to new levels.

A different goal may only need the affirmation alone. For instance, let us say I lack confidence. I am afraid to talk to strangers. Repeating, "I am strong and valuable. People want me to speak with them. I have the courage and confidence to speak with those I meet." Repeating this often enough just may create a thought form that encourages and reminds me to talk to people. Such an affirmation can be a life changing experience. Especially, if the reason you are not making money and need the first mantra is that you are too shy to get employed or not forceful enough in selling your product. In such a case, layering affirmations like those above may indeed be useful.

Personally, I'd rather just create the thought form magickally.

Prayer

Prayer is a hugely neglected technique in pagan spirituality and magick. I believe this is because so many pagans have Yahwehitis that they feel prayer is too Christian. This is hogwash. The smallest amount of research will reveal prayer used outside of Christendom for thousands of years.

The main difference between a prayer and an affirmation is that the latter is strictly using the power of the mind and potential minor bits of living energy called thought forms to accomplish a given task. The former is asking a deity or deities to intercede. The prayers most closely associated with affirmations are called prayers of petition. "Hermes, please aid me in this business venture."

There are other types of prayer. This article, The Top Five Types of [Catholic] Prayer, points out other types of prayer. Keep in mind the list offered is not all inclusive.

Rituals of Evocation and Invocation

I am going to start with Invocation as it has two main forms. The first is a general prayer asking the deity in question to bless or be present at an event. You can see this type of prayer before many city council meetings, high school graduations and the like. Normally, this type of prayer is very weak. Unless, the people around the prayer are of great faith and respond emotionally to the call. In that case, a deeper connection to the deity in question may be formed. Nonetheless, this sort of prayer of prayer is so general that it is like inviting Bill Clinton to a party and never asking him a question on politics and world affairs. It would be nice to have him show up but at the same time a bit of a waste not to learn from the man.

Another form of invocation is the the calling of a deity into your spirit/body. This means you are literally sharing your body and mind with the spirit in question. For all practical purposes, if you do this intending it to have a mundane impact on your life, you are saying this. "Deity X, change my internal structure, change my actions, change my mundane life, change my spirit in such a way that will allow this into my life." If you qualify things as less than that, you will diminish the chances of getting what you want.*

LOOK OUT!

This is majorly effective but the massive change potential here is more than most untrained people can handle. The possible impact of that may be more temporarily difficult than the dark night of the soul I just passed through. Though, if your brain doesn't snap, you'll likely get what you want in the long run.

Evocation is the closer to a prayer of petition but has elements of magickal invocation. In this case, the mage evokes a deity or spirit outside his circle. He then asks or commands that a given thing happen. If you're calling a deity, I suggest asking. While this type of practice is very effective, not everyone can pull it off. Often things have to be done exactly right to get an appearance. If you do get an appearance, can you handle your first physical sighting of a spirit manifesting in your temple space? This does have a psychological impact.

One more word about invocation/evocation. An Alexandrian Wiccan elder once told me about a deity that showed up angry. The elder's words were, "Oh Shit, I am trapped in circle with this thing?" Oh Shit is right, an angry deity is nothing you want to deal with. My advice is do the research necessary to make sure what you are asking for does not conflict with the deity's nature. Make sure its lore does not contradict your desires. A pissed off god can have a lifetime impact.

*I do expect some of the magicians that read this space to have some issue with this paragraph.

Revelation

I have a great deal of respect for my father. He was a good man. He was a hero. He risked his life routinely to make sure things like the holocaust never happened again.

Yet, he was a very quite man. There was always a secret, unspoken. He never shared much about who he was. He helped the world. He assisted everyone that came to his aid for help and advice, except me. I never knew why.

The incident that has always stood out in my mind came from my 8th, 9th or 10th grade year. A kid by the name of David Rye beat the holy living crap out of me. It was bad. I remember my father telling a guidence counselor that we'd either have to move away or he'd teach me to fight. Given my dad's skills as a counter-intelligence agent, I knew he knew how. I can't say I was relieved by the statement but I did know that I'd be able to defend myself. He never taught me. To this day, if I throw a punch, I count myself lucky to hit air.

His never teaching me when I was obviously under threat has always bothered me. Parents are supposed to defend their kids, even if that means teaching them to handle themselves when violence occurs. Today, I was cooking Chicken Marsala for dinner and it suddenly occurred to me what really happened.

Essentially, my father was a peaceful man. Yet, I know he had to kill to do his job. He never mentioned any mission where that occurred but hinted at it when it did not occur. It suddenly dawned on me that he didn't want me to gain any of his violent skills. I was always a non-violent kid. He didn't want that to ever change. It worked. I am a non-violent adult.

Thanks Dad.

This is Not That

One of my earliest personal alchemical lessons was that the false associations we make. For instance, someone that has been stolen from repeatedly may be so sensitive to theft that she loses it when a store clerk accidentally returns incorrect change.

Yesterday at lunch, my coworkers were talking about success in school for their kids. One said that he did well in school because his friends did well and they looked askance at a peer if he didn't do well. They may have even teased people for getting an answer wrong. This immediately caused the revelation that I was in the opposite group. I was a smart kid and was in the mentally gifted programs. Years of being teased for being smart resulted in less studying on my part. Now, I do it as strictly necessary but I hate it.

Today, I need to teach myself that this studying will not result in teasing but a level of admiration. This studying is not that studying.

These false associations be they mental or emotional are the crux of much personal alchemy. Only by ridding yourself of them can you discover who you truly are.

That said, one must be aware of the opposite.

When I was married, I used to have great fun telling the story of cooking a meal so poorly that my wife refused my cooking. It was a great excuse not to do a chore that I didn't want to do. However, not being able to cook is no longer fun. I want good healthy food. So, as my definition of fun has changed, so are my actions.

A Bigger Opposite

Sometimes, what we experience in adult life is the same as the trauma's of childhood only in a more adult form. It is important to recognize that and change the dynamic. If the dynamic will not change, you need to move away from that space.

All of this leads to seeing what IS and not what you are projecting upon a situation. As written here, this sounds very mundane. However, it applies very well to the plastic astral where forms can be quite fluid and change according to the perceiver's mindset. "Occultism is a mirror, Mr. Waite. He who sees muck is muck," Aleister Crowley.

Healing Continues

My mind is becoming very clear. I can either think upon the topic of my choice or not think anything. The second isn't mystical. The mind set is one of an answer machine, "I am out to lunch, leave a message." This isn't bad at all. I am not in pain. I seriously think my mind is healing itself from tens years of PTSD/obsession. It simply turns off a bit. You could not tell by looking.

I am finding myself attracted to low level social situations now. I am not up for parties but having people around is a good thing. This is a bit unusual as I am not overly social. I think I may be becoming that way.

In the past week, I've offered my phone to someone that was out of gas. She said many people walked by but no one before me had offered. She didn't need to make a call though. Someone in a store should have a had a cart  but thought she could manage. I offered her space in mine until she could unload and make her purchase. She was relieved. It was cute they way she asked if I minded her putting a jug of wine in my cart. I also received a nice note thanking me for saying several 'right things' to my grieving co-worker. This type of behavior has always been in my heart but now it is actually happening. This is cool.

I am doing simple meditations at night again. These do not seem to disturb my sleep. I did, however, get to a very deep place last night which scared me a little. I am not sure why. I then dreamed of that same feeling only more intensely. This is the first time I have ever dreamed an emotion with no visuals to go with it. I find that perplexing and fascinating.

My long blogged about work frustrations seem to be disappearing. There were at least five potential problem conversations for me over the last two weeks. None were a problem. All were pleasant.

I have another chapter of the Manifestation Meditation book off to the editor.

I am still working on studying. I can't quite get there yet.

Affirmations: Pagan Blog Project

The Pagan Blog Project is a lose knit group of over 100 bloggers that has agreed to post every Friday on a Pagan topic. Each week the posts all begin with a topic with a given letter of the alphabet. This week is B. 

Affirmations are something we are exposed to pretty early on as occultists. At least, I was. Affirmations come from the New Thought movement. Phineas Parkhurst Quimby apparently started the movement. Many people think New Thought was only about affirmations but very little research reveals it went into a much deeper philosophy. As I am not a New Thought aficionado, so I will leave comments on that to others.

The most famous New Thought affirmation was Emile Coues, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better". This sort of thing was never very beneficial to me. By personality, I simply get distracted by every day life too quickly to repeat something like that. While I am sure these affirmations work for some people as is, I advise something a bit more.

Magick done with an eye towards self-improvement must be done in conjunction with the improving affirmation. So, if you're affirmation is happiness, do magick designed to further that goal. Are you unhappy because you are lonely? You do magick with the aim of meeting new friends. Then you do your daily affirmation and let your thoughts build on your magick. You can take it another step and figure out why you have no friends, rude? Obnoxious? Shy? Do magick to banish or improve that too.

The danger of affirmations is that you can believe what isn't real. Are you really getting better every day? What proof of that do you have? What is going on in your life that demonstrates this? Anyone wanting to do real spirtual work better be able to look around and determine what is being reflected in his or her life. Magick and spiritual forms of religion are not about believing you are growing. It is using the tools those pursuits offer to facilitate your growth or awareness of the divine.

There are other repeatable mantras that I feel are related to New Thought. This is the mantra of a deity or natural force you are trying to connect with. Crowley's did this with adorations to the sun done four times a day. If you want to meet a given deity, there is nothing wrong with a little mantra prayer. Of course, sooner or later, the eminent form of that deity may just arrive. You better be ready and no affirmation will help you with that.

EDIT: This post was edited only to remove bad HTML code that highlighted certain text unintentionally.

Solidifying

This is the 1,250th post on Doing Magick.

I have been through a host of initiatory experiences. I have been through an Alexandrian Neophyte (many years ago), five Golden Dawn (GD) style initiations, and an initiation of sorts as I grew into working along with the Greek deities in a more "ancient-witchy" intuitive style.

For those that are unfamiliar, GD initiations begin with a general neophyte then moves along the elements with an initiation for each earth, air, water and fire. Then there is a probationary grade called portal in which these elements are recombined after being torn asunder by their respective initiatory forces.

In my case the combination of the Alexandrian Neophyte that left me obsessive and my Earth initiation which assisted in creating a PTSD inducing moment resulted in an extraordinarily obsessive man. The upside, I suppose, was that the obsession focused on the traumatic incident and its aftermath. I wasn't randomly obsessive at all.

You are supposed to do some alchemical purification in each grade along the way. For the most part I did that. Describing the feeling is difficult. Think of balancing on one finger a baton with an unbalanced weight on the top, stopping, shaving the weight a bit to make it closer to a neutral, then putting it back on your finger. It was never quite right. Things were always a struggle. Even my successes were mostly hard fought individual moments.

I did gain magickal knowledge. I did learn magickal skills and turned a lot of personal lead into things closer to gold but I was always balancing that baton.

Then I hit my dark night of the soul. Holy shit. Previous posts have documented that.

I've been healing over the past two weeks. That healing is beginning to solidify. There is an inner steal developing. There is an encompassing joy. I'm going a bit nutty but as Lon DuQuette says 'in a socially acceptable way.' I am funnier, quicker to laugh, helpful and finding that I like other humans more than ever before.

The main point of this post was the solidification. The vacillating mind is now directed in a calm way rather than a fiery way. My confidence is stronger but again quieter. Without gaining any technical skill I am much more of a magician now than I was a couple of months ago.


Tomorrows post will be the first in the Pagan Blog Project series and be on affirmations. 

Locked Mind

Long term readers are well aware of my back issue. For years I was told it was soft tissue injury. That is doctor speak for, "Well something may be wrong but we can't find it and it may be in your head." I actually have a legal document from a doctor stating there is no injury and I am faking it. I have been well aware for some time that stress can make it worse. So, I began to believe that it was all in my head. Then a few months ago, I had a standing x-ray and they found that I have vertebrae that had slide 9 mm to one side. The chiropractor asked me why I was walking.

I brought this up for a reason.

I asked the chiropractor why the doctors couldn't find that in 20 years. She said that doctors give MRIs while your laying down and you can't see the bone problem that way. You have to have a standing x-ray. The next time I saw my MD I told him about the vertebrae. His immediate response was, "Oh yeah, we give MRIs and we'd never see that." I was so tempted to ask why no doctor ever thought of the standing x-ray.

Now here is where the locked mind comes in.

I work with an MD. I've known him for years. He works for my agency a day a week and has a private practice. I told him that story. His response was, "Well, there is no such thing as a standing MRI." I replied that I understood that but asked why a doctor wouldn't order a standing x-ray. "There is no such thing as a standing MRI." This guy is so locked on to the idea of technology that he couldn't fathom using the old technology even though it would work better for a given situation.

As magicians, we have to be careful of this. We can get so locked into one perception of the world that we cannot change, even temporarily. Sometimes, all that is needed is a change of perspective. This is important to know before one starts throwing fireballs at twenty paces.

We must not let our minds get too rigid.

Sorry for all the verbiage to express something so simple but I found the real life example of this too appealing to pass up.

Doing Nothing is Surprising Effective

Have I mentioned that I am a Leo? I think I may have some where. Leo's are fire, direct fire. Wanna get burned? You can either do something we don't like, start an argument over something controversial like South American paper manufacturing in the 1800's, or take us to bed.

Leo's do things. We are creative. We are active. We do not sit and wait for the world to come to us unless you plebs need a royal audience. The problem is that at this point the trick is doing nothing at all.

During my dark night of the soul, I remembered by mentor's advice from before I entered it. Don't do that! He was referring to a specific type of magick. Pshaw. He should have said don't do anything. Someone wants to kick you in the shins? Let him. Overcharged for a candy bar? Just pay it. Wanna do magick? Don't. Simple right?

It may be fine to do magick from the void. Doing magick while you are void is impossible. If you manage to pull it off, you'll regret it later. You'll regret it even if it works exactly like you want it to.

Why? Because when you get to the right place any magick you've done from the void will get in your way. Three days ago the obsession was stopped. I wasn't in turmoil. The past seemed like a thousand years ago. I wanted to do something. I tried to read. Nada. I tried to do stuff around the house. Nada. I tried to write. Nada. I tried to hang out with friends. Nada. All I could accomplish was hour after hour of watching Netflix.

Now, without any effort at all, I am hearing my HGA.

I am laughing at bad jokes on shows like Bones, not exactly known for their comedy.

I am a bachelor. I either nuke dinner or eat seven digit food (delivery). Yet now I have a sudden interest in not only cooking my own dinners but buying most of the ingredients at Whole Foods. So far, what I've made has been quite tasty.

I am also working on a project that I have always wanted to do but simply didn't have the drive to accomplish. I seem to be driven towards it at the moment.

I guess the best way to put this is that at the moment I am not holding myself back. Because I am not resisting the Universe, it is just taking me along the current. Against all my Leo traits, I'm just fine with that.