Longing

I was introduced to magick at age eighteen. The longing for understanding "God" entered my soul at that moment. To this day, twenty-four years later, the longing is still there but the emotion is different. That emotion changed when the self-perception changed. So subtle was the progression that pinpointing a time and place is as difficult as following a leaf's path down a mountain stream.

At eighteen, I was rabidly insecure and nervous. So nervous that from time to time my hands would shake when performing simple tasks like putting gas in my car. Things weren't that bad often and I was functional but not socially. My small circle of friends was all I had.

This state was reflected when I tried to do LBRPs. For years, I was afraid. No, terrified of what I may call up. Pentagrams were of the devil, a perception ground in by Hollywood for the most part but I am sure some TV preacher contributed too. Or, so I used to think. I am coming to understand the fear I felt was my own fear. So insecure was I that fear sprang from an subconscious belief these beings of light would reject me. My saving grace was that longing for understanding. With cold fear clawing at my heart, I kept doing LBRPs. Every part of me knew that this was the way. The fear, cold as steel, could not restrain my longing heart.

The status quo held for a decade.

The root of this fear laid in the soil of self-loathing. There was no part of me that I liked very much. Every emotion, every longing had to be repressed. No one else longed for love or sex or friendships. It never occurred to me that since other people had these things, they likely longed for them as much as I did.

At some point, I read a book on shamanic journeying. The book was written with a Native American flavor. I have no idea if it was genuine or not. Though, given the state of the occult publishing industry at the time and what WitchdoctorJoe has told me about the realities of Native American magick, I doubt it. Despite that I journeyed. I encountered spirits. I believed I encountered spirits. The first thing I ran into was a tree spirit of some type. The second a stag.

My good friend warned me of the power of the stag without telling me its lore. Eventually, I came to believe that the stag I was seeing was seeing was the horned god of the Wiccans. Oddly enough, I found a trad Wiccan coven. After being initiated neophyte, they convinced me that not only did I not see the stag but my perceptions were "delusional." Devastating. Yet, at the core, this was a manifestation of that same fear which again had its roots in self-depreciation. Funny, to look back and now I think they had a version of a similar problem.

While I was a Wiccan, I was initiated into the GD. I had no idea what the GD was really. Except that from the first time I saw the words Golden Dawn adept, I wanted to be one. The title concerned me not, I simply thought the rightful wearer of that title had understanding.

The longing burned on.

I am not a GD adept but somewhere amongst the initiations, the emotionally painful fallout therefrom, the hard work of ritual and study, finding my HGA and now the beginnings of a relationship with Asmodel, the longing has changed.

There is no more self-depreciation. There is no more senseless time wasting anger. This is different but trying to define this new emotionally based desire is like trying to repair a car armed with only a 3/16 wrench. I simply do not have the words.

Faith has always been part of my Work, even though I knew it not. Now, the faith is knowledged-based. I know my HGA is there. I know the spirits are there. I know I have the ability to reach them and hear them clearly. The need to understand has never wained no matter how many kernels of truth are uncovered. Hope. The emotion is flooded with hope. Hope for the evolution of my soul. Hope that my soul may be of useful service to others or the Source. The new emotion overflows in the spirit of nameless religion. Compassion is there even when such feelings focus on no one. Peace. I feel peace. How peace and this longing co-exist is beyond my understanding. Quiet. Everything is quieter now. Love. I feel love a lot now. Love of the divine. Love of my fellow humans. Love directed at nothing at all. Just love that's all.

Is there a word for all that? Is silence the best way to express all of that?

I am here, where I've always wanted to be. Yet, I've undershot. There is more. So much more. The longing still burns with hope, faith, love, peace, compassion and nameless religion. If ever I feel that longing fade, with all my soul I will stoke those fires for they have served me well.

The Words of Others

Those who have read this space over the last week or so know that I've been working with an angel of Taurus, Asmodel. The angel has for the most part calmed my angry Leo nature. She has been very instructive. I have been at peace.

Last week, I suggested a course of action at work. This week, that course was implemented. Today, the project manager came up to me and said, "We'd never have had the success we've had this week, had you not come in and taken the bull by the horns," an interesting turn of phrase after dealing with Taurus.

Today, my long time boss said these words, "...won't do that because that would get the boys involved." Basically, she was telling me that my fears would not come to pass. I have no idea what she meant by the words 'the boys'. However, I do know that phrase is what My Gal calls my spirits of the Goetia.

Some would say these are meaningless coincidences. I do not. I listen to the Universe.

Asmodel and I

I have a friend in Asmodel.

The first few days after her invocation were the most peaceful and happy days I've ever had. The raging Leo was calm. The raging Leo felt what it was like to be himself. The raging Leo was funny and personable. There was no rage there was only the freedom of being. My will mutated from blow torch to river.

Some situations arose with extended family that impinged upon this new found splendor yesterday. My mind could not meditate and could not calm.

Today, I was in a situation that frustrates me at work. Another group's general lack of planning caused me to waste a lot of time. I, frustrated, had to prepare myself to train the group anyway. I took a moment and called on Asmodel. She told me which form of the bull to use. I was calm. I was peaceful. I made people laugh. I like making people laugh. When the training was over, I was actually applauded.

Asmodel is my friend.

(Taurus image from: http://www.astrozone.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/taurus2d.jpg)

Half Lucid Dream

I had an interesting dream last night. I was both lucid and non-lucid. This requires a brief history lesson. Once upon a time, I was in a coven. The coven had a male and female leader, known here as M1 and F1. Then in order of appearance in the group another female (f2), myself (m2). That as as far as the lineage goes as far as this dream is concerned.

I dreamed I was in the home the coven used. M1 and f2 where there. There was another presence, a woman who wasn't in the coven at the time. I never saw her in the dream but I could feel her observing. In my dream, I was deciding whether to rejoin them. Those in the dream seemed at least not closed to the idea but not fully open either. There were several things I had written being shown to me. I was able to read some and not others. Some appeared to be in pencil and then written over in pen. During this time I was lucid in the sense that I was using my brain fully in the dream to decipher the writing but not in the sense that I knew I was dreaming. The last sign read, "You must remember she is a priestess." The dream ended without me making a decision.

The writing is obvious. After my leaving the group, I was not shy about expressing my opinion of the organization as a whole and its members. The pencil pen thing may be that I remember things one way, the pen writing, but they happened in another, the faded pencil.

The trick is that last part. "You must remember she is a priestess." I have no way of knowing if that referred to F1 or f2 or for that matter someone else. One of my major problems with that tradition was the concept of rank. You had to respect the person for the position they held even if one found little to respect otherwise. You were always beaten over the head with rank. Rank was very important. I heard about that a lot.

I have always been a respect the person not the title sort of fellow. People earn my respect over time, they do not gain more by their position or wealth. They earn more or less respect through my observation. Regardless of anything else, this emphasis on rank is why the system does not work for me.

Stealing Witchcraft and Shapeshifting

Theft

Well, I've been pouring though the Huson book and found it to be...not my thing at all. I will post more on the nature of why it isn't my thing when I am not exhausted.

I did want to share that I will be stealing a technique regarding the magickal square or kamea of Mercury. In the divination section of Huson's work, he speaks of making a Mercury square and gazing at each number in sequence to put one in the divinatory mindset. Brilliant.

This post is short on tech because I am tired. However, I will make myself one of these squares charged cabalistically rather than use his method simply because my method suits me. I will post the tech at that time.

I shared this with my gal and she seems happy with the idea too.

Shape Shifting

It seems a certain aforementioned angel is teaching my by changing my aura into the shape of a bull. The effect at work was quite amazing. Tonight, she called me into my temple sans ritual and offered more instruction on the various poses of the bull. Those poses are classified.

(Kamea gif from: http://www.geocities.com/thelemic_resources/images/mercury_kamea.gif)

Invocation of Asmodel

Yesterday, I was working designing the expensive project I have mentioned previously. During that research, I discovered a name that was one letter off from the name of my HGA. I found this terribly fascinating and dug a little deeper. The name I found was one of the twelve lost tribes. Some scholars believe that this was the only tribe that went to Egypt and returned. The others were always in or near Canaanite lands. Given my interest in Egyptian gods and my ability to bounce into the Hebrew world view quickly (though I have long railed against it), I find this bit of information interesting. Furthermore, when researching the tribe I immediately came across a picture. That picture has some qualities that are so like the visions of my HGA that I was startled.

Given that my work situation appears to changing for the good but also landing me in a very dangerous place and given this tribe is associated with Taurus I thought I'd invoke the angel of Taurus and see what she had to say.

The ritual was simple.

• LBRP
• BRH
• First Degree Opening
• Invoking Hexagram of Venus drawn with my rainbow wand using GD Hierophant wand technique
• Vibrating the proper permutation of the tetragrammaton for Taurus as I drew the bull in the center of the hex.

I then asked what I needed to do to have Asmodel come to me. I heard a voice tell me Asmodel is already here, called by my HGA and by my little (said pejoratively) ritual. All I had to do was talk to the angel.

So, I immediately thanked the angel for appearing and asked if I could burn some incense as an offering. She said yes. We then had a discussion. She allowed me to ask questions and I listened. While I think I was only in ritual for 30 minutes tops, this portion seemed like it lasted forever. I am very quickly climbing down from a dream like state and I know I will not remember everything immediately. I may fill in more details in a later post. At some point I asked her if she had anything I needed to know but didn't ask. I ask this question a lot.

• Yes, my HGA is part of this angel's 'domain'.
• No, my HGA was not the human founder of the tribe but a chief.
• Yes, she is female. I asked why if the bull was the symbol of Taurus. I heard/felt the interplay of male and female.
• I could not see her because I do not know how to evoke her. She will teach me if I call her often.
• She will teach me how to call some of her spirits to help me at work. Huson's book will help to give me ideas that she can use to instruct me. It seemed like she though Huson to be a bit off my purpose. Instead, he will seed some ideas within me. In the meantime, I can call her name directly. "Using the gesture you already know."
  
• I will get through this dangerous period by being the bull in the field. Patient. When I achieve this patience, victory will be mine.
• She will rid me of "your frustration that you have tried and failed to rid from yourself."
• The tribe is the Rock of Israel. I can be that rock for others once I am patient like the bull in the field. Though, internally, I must be the bull charging.
• To understand more of my HGA, I should research what is written about this tribe, even the theories of the scholars.
  

I find this link interesting because one of my early posts was called "Embracing my Inner Jew." At the time, I thought I was trying to explain that I had to accept the mindset of my culture and how I was raised. This would remove some cognitive dissonance that interfered with my work. Maybe this was true but it has great deal more meaning.

I also have a Taurus moon. I find the link between the fixed fire of Leo and the fixed earth of Taurus to be the subtle connection between fire and earth I used to think I understood. I know that last may puzzle some of you. Sorry for that.

Mastering Witchcraft

Having read Jason Miller's Reversal and Protection magick, which is now on my recommended reading list, I want to learn more about witchcraft and work with spirits closer to earth. So, I went through Jason's bibliography and choose Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson (left). Every day since I ordered the book I'd come home from work hoping my book had arrived along with a copy of Jason's book as a gift to WitchDoctorJoe and his wife. I felt just like I did as a kid looking forward to my sister's birthday because that meant mine was only six weeks away! I am not looking forward to reading this book. I am looking forward to doing magick in a way that is new to me.

The back of the book says Huson received his training from the Society of Inner Light and Stella Matutina. Both organizations have strong Golden Dawn ties. Stella Matutina was formed after the break up of the original Order. It may be overly broad to say Stella Matutina is simply GD under a different name but it would be a fabrication to say that SM is not GD. The Society of Inner Light was formed by Dion Fortune, a member of Stella Matutina under the name Mary Firth.

I am so looking forward to this. But for today...

I have found an angel that is related to my HGA. Today, I plan to conjure said angel and see what she has to say.

I weighed in yesterday and dropped another 2.4 pounds. That puts me at 11.2 pounds gone and over 25% to my goal of losing 41.

Arrogance

Today, I had lunch with a friend who, for very good reason, is on top of the world. I am very happy for him. During that conversation, he said someone finds me intimidating because I radiate 'superiority'. Later, in reference to Leo's in general, he said we have a tendency to think we are better than others.

He is right. Leo's are better than others. Let us examine why this is so.

Seriously, no.

I remember telling my mentor many months ago that soon I would have to deal with the issue of arrogance. He asked me why I thought that and I said it is because it has been mentioned in conversations with him and others. Also, I have become aware of the Universe working to clue me in. Therefore, I believe I am perceived as arrogant by many. I have observed that most people's perceptions of others are 90% projection, 10% insight and 50% the mutual resonance or dissonance their personalities. I have also perceived that right or wrong, when the universe keeps presenting a particular perception there is a reason. That reason is often unrelated to the ideas and convictions of those verbalizing their particular concerns. There is always a reason. There is always a lesson. As a magician, I am obligated to learn that lesson.

In his normal Socratic way, he asked me why people perceived me as arrogant. I told him that I honestly didn't know as I often defer to him or flat out say that I am just a student or that I simply don't know. These are not signs of arrogance. He agreed saying he's heard me say such things many times. Though, never once did he says I wasn't an arrogant bastard! I still know I am perceived in this way and there is a lesson afoot!

So now my friend says I radiate superiority. Is this a clue?

I certainly do not feel superior to the person who feels intimidated at all. I truly enjoy being around this person. Yet, the Universe is telling me something. How do I radiate this energy? From whence does it come? How can I turn it on and off to my advantage? None of these questions matter.

What matters is the underlying theme of arrogance. I have literally thrown myself into the Work to become a better human being as I was not happy with who I perceived myself to be. Again, not a trait of arrogance. Yet, I reject not the Universe's message merely because I do not understand.

Leos, much like Scorpios, can often see past the bullshit people use to hide who they are really are. Generally speaking, Leo's point out the bullshit; Scorpio's use insight to their advantage. Both often result in negative consequences. Neither is the proper method of using this ability. While I have been much more silent on such things than I ever have been, maybe the answer is lies here. Frankly, I don't think I have it right. Though, this still may be a useful line of thought.

Today, WitchDoctorJoe stated that it can be intimidating to do an honest on-line self-assessment. Which I thought this was going to be. As it turns out, I am simply and honestly saying that I don't know this lesson yet. I do not feel I am even on track to solve the puzzle. I merely recognize the lesson and have introduced the seed of thought to my psyche. We will see if it ever bears fruit.

(Picture from: http://www.horoscoper.net/images/Leo.GIF)

Problem Solved

I couldn't sleep much last night due to my back. Actually, my back felt fine. The vicoden that made it fine had other opinions on my ability to sleep. So, I focused on that realization, that word, that line. And I asked my HGA what the command really meant. I had a flash of my mentor wearing something when he was very roughly at my stage of the work. By very roughly, I mean on the same ladder and maybe even the same section of ladder but at vastly different ends. Then I understood the nature of the talisman I am to make is to assist me through some transitory stages of the Work. Gotcha.

Today, my morning email at work contained a note from the boss. It appears she has wishes to promote me. The money will more than cover this expenditure. The extra time and effort at work will not be worth the money. Though, the long term career impact may be. Assuming I can hang tough.

I am stoked, not for the potential promotion that I have very mixed feelings about, but because I am much happier after my realization. I am more content. My Work has taken me to where I've always wanted to be and I've found that I've aimed too low. There is so much more to do. That excites me.

To Follow the Lead of my HGA...or Not?

I am having second thoughts about following my latest task assigned by my HGA. This task is EXPENSIVE. Yet, he urges me to do it and ignore the obvious less expensive alternative. Furthermore, he is pushing me to do it now. The kicker is I have the money in savings. The problem is that I am a realist. I see the economy around me. I see what my house needs in upkeep. I see my savings account could be needed for practical things. Yet, he (He?) urges me on to do this thing. Then do this incredibly long series of rituals. The latter doesn't phase me. The former does.

Furthermore, the results will be flashy on a mundane level and I'd feel like a magickal braggart. I am a Leo. I shouldn't mind. Yet, I do.





(Picture from: http://www.mortgagejungle.co.uk/current_account_mortgage.asp)

Line, Word and Realization

I've been contemplating the line, word and realization that gave birth to both. There is a lot more to growth than an idea. One must integrate the insight into the depths of one's soul. In this vein, my HGA has given me an assignment. This must be hermetically sealed for now. Such will be referred to in this space as 'the sealed work'.

No herrings will be harmed in the making of the seal.

Mentor Dream

I failed to report in my earlier post that I dreamed of my mentor last night. Again, he was calling on a cell phone. So, I didn't see him in the dream. He told me that after my next initiation, "There would be no going back." There was great import in what he was saying but frankly, I don't get it. That is okay. I will someday. The dream ended with some maniac shooting a hand gun outside of the house. He was a blond man but very earthy. I told an old black woman who was with us to get on the ground. Then I screamed at her to do so. I then rolled to her and lay protectively around her to shield her from any bullets. A woman, who wasn't My Gal, but looked slightly like her was screaming at the guy through the door telling him he could not come in.

Oddly, as soon as the dream ended I woke up and remembered that I'd had that conversation with my mentor in a dream at least once before.

The man with the gun may have represented my nephesch. As for my mentor, I have no idea of that is him or my HGA in disguise.

My Pillar

In yet another follow-up to the realization post.

Today, I went to a training. A fellow sat next to me and sat a tasty looking chocolate bar donut right next to me. I knew where the rest of them were hiding. Just two seats away. I could score! And then, I thought of the word that came with that last realization. One word. I thought the word and that straight line appeared in all its glory. In that instant I heard, "I am so sorry. I should not have put this donut so close to you." The person then moved the tempting treat from his right to the left side of his monitor completely out of my line of sight. No one at work knows I am dieting.

I have heard that when you're doing your True Will that things get out of your way but that was quite the demonstration.

(Picture from: http://diremirth.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/pillar.jpg)

Follow-up to Yesterday's Post

In a follow-up to yesterday's post, whenever I think of that realization I see a white line bisecting my body. I can even feel the hum. I don't hear a hum. I don't feel a vibration. I feel the hum. The hum seems a bit off. The hum feels like a bug zapper's energy rather than a spiritual anchor but emotionally and even physically it acts like an anchor point. I don't know what to make of that yet. Maybe it needs some fine tuning but it is fun so far.

Over the last two nights I've had tiny lucid dreams. I can illustrate tiny using last night's dream. I, unaware I was dreaming, became lucid. I thought of seeing My Gal and a window appeared in the shape of a hexagon. I peered through it and say her smiling and waving back at me like she'd do in real life. The dream ended as suddenly as it started but I was lucid for that short time.

On an unrelated note, this week I didn't lose any weight and didnt' gain any either. Last night, I blew it and ordered what everyone else ordered. I am glad I did because I realized later that I was no more satisfied eating poorly as I was eating well. My body didn't feel as active and alert today either. I have also learned that I want many desserts but don't like them. So, this information will make it easier to resist temptation in the future.

(picture from: http://www.mosquito-zapper.com/bug-zapper_BK-80.htm)

Sonrise

Last night, I encountered a god-form for one purpose that had an impact upon me in a much different way than the rite intended. I entered the ritual feeling pretty good about having dealt with an issue that I've struggled with for some time. I exited the ritual feeling as if I'd had my first shower after a long hot fever.

As a direct result my attention was diverted to an obvious portion of the GD neophyte ritual. So obvious that not only had it escaped my attention but in all my wanderings in the darkness I never came close, not even by accident. Once focussed, only a few minutes of contemplation resulted in an answer. This was more than suddenly realizing that C was the proper response to question three on some multiple choice exam. This was a blinding flash of insight that pulled together all my Work so far. This idea is nothing short of life changing. This idea sets the tone and boundaries for the rest of my Work. This idea may be my life lesson for this incarnation. This idea, as simplistic as understanding that a shadow reveals an object by decreasing light, may mean everything. Everything, in the microcosmic sense.

Not only that but this may be the central theme of that smallest of points where the microcosm joins the macrocosm.

This form of reality means nothing to anyone but me but it is as big as the promise of the coming day.

My Qaballa is not your Kabalah

J.W. Treadwell wrote in a comment to one of my posts that adding emotion to ritual was a given for him. I think that was a way of expressing surprise that it wasn't a given for me. In turn I'd be surprised by those folks whose first act of magick was of spirit evocation. I had to work up to that too.

Somewhere along the line, I focussed on detachment. Someone, I have no idea whom, told me that one must be detached from the results of magick. I can see the validity of such advice when working with one's own thought forms. How can an artificial elemental go out and do its work if you don't let it go?

Also, at some point I latched onto the idea that will or Will is in the desire or want family of emotions only evolved to a higher state. I suppose this is still true but incomplete. Nevertheless, the dry emotional dust of my will thrown about in my LBRPs and BRHs has born fruit. Would a greater effect been achieved had I thrown raw anger, desire or love into the mix? There is no way to tell from this point.

I had to let go of the idea that emotions were negative things. For the vast majority of stupid things I have done have been based on emotions. I am no different from other humans. When I look out into the world most people's mistakes come from ill formed reactions to emotion. The flip side is an all too barren intellect can cause the same catastrophes.

Unknown to myself, my cosmic lesson plan included emotionally barren ritual disguised as detachment. That has moved on to something else. A good part of my ritual preparation now is finding that long suppressed emotionally-based seed of purpose. I don't think it will change the goal of my work overmuch. After all, I am a theurgist at heart. Unity is always the goal.

Emotion may change the form of my work. After reading Jason Miller's superb Protection and Reversal Magick, I've ordered a book from his bibliography, Mastering Witchcraft by Huson.

This in turn will lead to a new lesson. Not long ago my HGA told me to lay off the goetic stuff less I get consumed by material change and power. That is fine for some people but not for me. Yet, now I feel compelled to do some natural magicks and work with beings closer to the realm of earth. Is this merely temptation away from my goal, a negative lesson if you will? Or is there a measure of growth in seeing the divine in this manner as well? Yes, growth can be found there but is that what I am drawn to or the raw power of effecting mundane change?

Lessons Lessons Lessons! We each have our own. May yours bring you true wisdom, perfect happiness, the Summom Bonum.

(picture from: http://sqt-fantasy-sci-fi-girl.blogspot.com/2008/02/sweet-emotion.html)
(male witch picture from: http://home-and-garden.webshots.com/photo/1434583218067373857coVifX)

This post was originally written in draft on 8/11 and posted there. I have copied and reposted so it fits into the right day as all but the first line was written today.

Cause and Effect

Recently, Jason Miller admitted that not all of his magick works. Frater RO posted his thoughts on his blog as well. RO says all of his magick works all of the time but not always in the way that he expected. He gave credit to his Christian beliefs for this wonderful feat. This gives credit to the brush over the painting and the painting over the artist. The fallacy in the good frater's argument can be found in any Philosophy 101 course. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, before this therefore because of this. Frater RO believed in his god before his magick and then assumes his god is the cause of the effect.

Frater RO's magick works as often as Jason's no more no less. Frater RO deems magick to work when he can see an effect. Jason deems magick to work when he sees the intended effect. Neither of these need give credit to any other force, belief or faith.

My magick always works by Frater RO's definition and I am not Christian. From Jason's perspective, my magick works reasonably often and close enough more often than that. The odd thing is that the occasional dud is often illusory. I've considered some acts of magick a success only to realize their long term effects to be much greater. I've considered some acts of magick failures only to realize the magick created a seed which flowered only in the passing seasons.

So RO may give credit to his god if he so wishes. I credit the doing of the magick. Magick is a verb.

(picture from: http://media.pureprofile.com/wordpress/?cat=1)

Late Night Thoughts

I tried to go to bed early. Instead, my head hit the pillow and I began to think the old thoughts that I had thought I had tucked away with the help of a goetic spirit. I asked him what the problem was and he told me I changed the rules. I told him to line up with my HGA and my HGA wants me to deal with this a different way. So, of to my HGA I go and without a doubt the news was confirmed. I have one thing to say about that. Fuck.

My other thought tonight was I wonder if I'm focusing on the wrong thing. Is this astral projection stuff necessary?

Lon DuQuette once told me that people would start asking me questions and that I should write the brilliant things down because, "You'll never be this smart again." He called it an Ask Bob list. Odd, no one calls me Bob. Lon never calls me that either. That was a few years back. I have three things on the list and I doubt two of them. The one that stuck is something I said to a fellow traveler in the Work who declared he knew his issue and went on to explain. I said, "You know but you don't know that you don't know." There is a vast difference between that first intellectual realization and making in real in one's spirit. My journey to Hod was like that for me. I have known the map for a long time but I've never known the territory. Now that I've been there, I know what I don't know and I believe that what I don't know is very important. Travel those realms I must.

On the other hand, maybe it is too soon.

On the other hand, maybe I should revert back to the Stavish lucid dream techniques. I was making progress there and then come back to waking astral travel.

On the other hand, no wait, that would be three hands.

(picture: http://www.photoshoptalent.com/images/contests/three%20hands/fullsize/sourceimage.jpg)

I Will Persevere

I took the advice of my friend Witch Doctor Joe and merely focussed on the landing site for tonight's astral projection exercise. I visualized very well and concentrated very but no joy. The only odd part about things was that even though I focused on one point in one room, I kept getting different perspectives. I could 'see' one part of the room and then another and then another. At one point I was outside the room looking in.

I did emerge from the exercise quite relaxed and the symptoms of a budding summer time cold abated, at least for a while.

Condition Grounded

I worked on astral projection today after my walk and shower. My concentration sucked. Though I did feel a little astral body stimulation, I was disappointed in my efforts.

Last night in going to bed I did try to void my thoughts. I did hear what I can only describe as loud discordant drumming but nothing exciting happened after that.

I am disheartened without being discouraged.

Learning to Fly

I have been working on astral projection. I think I have a few problems.

• I am not quite ready
• I think too much
• I am missing keys not needed by other traditions but are required in mine, at least for beginners.

To solve the second problem, I've been meditating to calm the monkey mind. During this time, I've paid attention to the catergories of thoughts at they appear.

• Conflicts from serious to silly internet things that I don't care about.
• People trying to demonstrate things to me of an occult nature or simply to sell. I can actually see and hear these 'people' during the process. It is a bit like watching television but being more engaged in the process.
• Imaginary conversations between myself and someone else.
  
• Internal chit chat

The first one is indicative of my general character. My birthday card is the five of wands. I am working on doing much more listening and not debating things to try to calm this trait down. The second one is simply fascinating. Is that me projecting an image to get in my own way? Astral beings? Teachers? Fantasy? The last two are just there. I have little thought on them. But, I have noticed if I get all the way to stopping the internal chit chat the cycle starts again in just this order. Again, I find this fascinating. As with all cycles interrupting them is easier once the pattern is seen. I love this sort of thing.

The key thing is easy to overcome. It is just a matter of focus.

(Picture from: http://www.qikrux.com/images/Five%20of%20Wands1.JPG)

Wanted: Astrology Recommendation

Can anyone recommend a good book or series of books to teach me astrology or maybe even a solid on-line course? It is a serious weak point for me that I need to shore up. This is what I am looking for:

• It must be with modern ceremonial magick in mind. This doesn't mean it has to agree with the concepts of CM but since that is where my background is, I want it written by someone that understands that background as opposed to Santeria which I am clueless about. I don't even know if folks on that path care about astrology. If it is written from a pre-modern view like in Agrippa, it has to be written in modern English.
  
• I want to start with the basics, even though I am passingly familiar with them and work up one step at a time.
• In a perfect world, it would blend astrology with tarot as that would give me an anchor point.
  

I won't buy the book immediately as I have some other stuff to do but I will put it on my 'to buy' list near the top.

New Blog

My good friend Joe has started a new blog. Joe doesn't practice magick like I practice magick. Joe is an eclectic Wiccan. The difference between Joe and most other eclectic Wiccans is that he is the only "low priest" you'll ever meet. He doesn't use titles to boost his own importance. If he calls himself the Great and Exalted High Priest Lord Moon Spirit Gnome King, you'll know he is joking. The other thing about Joe is that he is self-educated regarding things pagan and a Master Mason. At least, I think he is. I could be wrong but if he isn't he will be. Masonry colors his work.

Joe was raised pagan and some of his earliest memories are of grandma teaching him about safe circles in the most unusual way. I hope he posts about that. If I was a father, I'd teach my kind the same way he was taught. Given that you'd think he'd call himself a heredity witch or family witch or something. He doesn't. He just does what he does. He was also a Lakota pipe carrier before taking up arms to defend our country. Once you pick up a weapon you can't hold that position anymore.

He also has taught me a bit of practical spell casting that has become a part of my tool set. His blog is listed on My Blog List or you can reach it by clicking here.

Flying Ointment, Viels and News

I haven't posted in a bit due only to a shift in habits. As regular readers know, I have been instructed to lose weight because it effects my psychology in ways that I do not understand. As part of my Weight Watchers regimen, I have been doing a great deal of walking. This has impacted my blogging time. I am pleased to report that I dropped another 3.0 pounds this week making 8.8 overall. By next week, I expect to have lost over 25% of the weight slated for removal. I am losing weight faster than their normal clients but I am simply strictly following the plan.

I had been concerned that my work of late was was more skill orientated than HGA focussed. I then realized the weight loss was specifically directed by my HGA and relaxed a bit. I also encountered a situation that could have brought back some old and troublesome wounds. However, the use of the Prayer of Joseph the Visionary found on Jason's blog smoothed that over very quickly.

I have again been pursuing the astral projection work without much success over the last few days. A friend did make flying ointment for me with some odd effects. The first time I tried it I simply lay on the floor of my temple room and put a touch on my third eye. The effect was not unlike being plugged into a wall socket but with some sort of electrical resister between me and the wall. I found the sensation fascinating, the effect of natural magick fascinating and yet frustrated by my own resistance to the process! The second time I wore it through the LBRP and BRH to see what sort of effect that would have. I can not report anything like the first time. Next time, I will do the full rituals plus the energy raising middle pillar and then put on the flying ointment. If nothing else, it will keep me from stealing hubcaps.

This morning, I did and LBRP, BRH and middle pillar. I don't generally report this sort of thing because it is so common as to be incredibly redundant. However, this time, I used Jason's technique of opening the veil in three directions before doing the middle pillar. One word: Awesome! I feel different. I feel spiritually connected and yet withdrawn. I feel supremely centered and immovable. I am without insecurity. This experiment I will repeat.

My magick is changing very fast. I used to be a pure theurgist and did almost no thaumaturgy. After a few goetic invocations, some of the negative attitude toward thaumaturgy has faded. However, my HGA warned me to stop with the goetic work for a while for fear I'd be too distracted by earthly power. I then read Jason's book and want to investigate more 'near earth' magick as opposed to the loftily idealized Work I normally do. Balance is good. However, that warning sticks in the back of my mind and I will tread carefully.

I do plan on taking a more active defensive stand when I encounter odd energy. There is something about my work now that must purify things more external than internal. I think this has to do with unnecessary baggage more than a nameless other. However, other's peoples perceptions, emotions and magick can cling to you. I plan to be ridding myself of as much of that as is practical. I will be ever watchful of sliding away from my work into realms best left for other practitioners. I will bear no distractions to the Work of Unity.

How to See

I was asked to write a bit about obtaining visualization skills. At one time, this skill alluded me, now I can think candle and 'see' candle or any other thing I so desire. As to the hows and whys, I can give no direct answer but I can list some things that came into play.

Ritual work, I have done about 1,000 Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagrams (LBRPs) over the last three or four years. This simple little ritual has many simple little things to see. The sheer effort and focus of trying to see that many times is a factor.

I've done about as many Middle Pillars. These two have simple visualizations but also raise energy. The ritual slowly teaches one how to raise and manipulate astral energies. This is a factor because often what you begin seeing is this energy as it is being moved about by the LBRPs or used by various spirits.

I have done a lot of magick regarding thought-forms or, as some call them, artificial elementals. These are astral memes made of one's own energy. For me, it was easier to see my own at first. When you're doing the sort of ritualized magick I do, there are minimal distractions and you can play with environmental lighting conditions.

I also have a spirit in my employ that specializes in astral sight that gave me a boost. A boost I say because I could see before I contacted him.

The question made me realize that I had seen almost from the beginning but didn't really believe I was seeing because the images were so faded. I could always see but not with much acuity. The more confidence I have the better I see. However, believing isn't seeing. I would not advise trying to convince yourself that you are seeing what you're not.

Basically, all this boils down to is do it! Practice seeing even when you can't. Work hard, even when you don't want to. Be aware that other senses can make up for the inability to see as you begin. Pay close attention to other clues. A sports talk show radio host said today, "Unless you are doing something to make it happen, it is not a goal. It is a dream." My advice: Do Something.

In Fraternity,

Fr POS

P.S. I'd also suggest reading Strategic Sorcery. This is an excellent blog. You may gain some tips.

Mentor and Diet

Not much to type today.

• I worked on the project my mentor gave me.
• My last weigh-in was Saturday and I dropped another 3.0 pounds totalling 5.8 for two weeks. I expect to slow down soon but that is a good start. No real troubles staying on the diet. I wonder if that is because my HGA is with me on the task? I think the trick may be I can ask him if I should do this or that, he'll say yes but what matters is when he tells me things at the right time. If I follow that instruction, the inertia of the universe may be behind me. I will keep that in mind as this goes on and I hear new instructions.

One Day, Three Rituals

I was involved in three very different rituals yesterday.

The first was a Druid (AODA) celebration of Lughnasadh. For many years I thought I was a pagan. I am not. I am simply an occultist seeking unity with the divine. So, I am not really familiar with these holidays nor do I understand them. Though, that may be changing. We'll see if the trend continues.

Regardless, the first ritual was very different from my work. There was a sparsely worded opening which included all of my favorite elements (pun intended). It lacked a certain concentrational focus to which I had become accustomed. However, I felt the energy. How that was raised considering the ritual is beyond me. The space was dedicated by both John Michael Greer and My Gal. That may have resulted in that energy being so readily available. All that matters is that the energy was there. The best I can describe the feeling was one of liquid earth or the power of that which is created. I was very comfortable and enjoyed the ritual very much. I was impressed with how it felt. I may have to learn to work with this sort of energy.

The second ritual was more to my normal fair which makes sense because I did it solo. I felt the need to do a strong banishing and shove some energy out of myself that was not mine. The rite was very very effective and I was proud of myself. Proud because I injected some strong and powerful emotion into the banishing. Heretofore, my rituals were very emotionally dry. So dry that my past ritual work could be called the Rider-Waite deck of ceremonial magick. Not anymore!

Lastly, My Gal and I were honored by an invitation to participate in a Lughnasadh ritual run by my good friend and frequent reader of this space Joe. I hope he doesn't feel insulted when I say I didn't feel a great deal of raw energy pop. Then again, that wasn't the point of this particular ritual. So, there was no need for that. I know Joe's philosophy is to only bring the tools one needs for any particular working as his work is not about the 'show'. I was very impressed regarding the form and intent. This is family ecclectic Wicca at its best. The ritual brought in all of my favorite elements but was a teaching circle. Joe taught his family and coven mates how the wheel of year turns and how to see that reflection within oneself. More than that, he taught how to use the symbols as part of a religious service and then as part of one's internal spiritual practice. The lessons were those of understanding oneself, family support, and introspective action towards change. How different my life would be had I been raised and taught like this. I say that with no insult whatsoever to those that raised me.

One day, three rituals, three methods all with one aim, experiencing the divine. Yesterday, I experienced an entire day of ritual, prayer and friendship. There is nothing more I could ask of any day.

(picture: Caddo Indian with antler headress dances in a ritual ceremony marking the death of a special chief or leader in the tribe. From http://www.texasbeyondhistory.net/kids/images/ritual.html)

I Am but Not as I Was

Today, I had a vision. It involved the joining of a symbol used in a Golden Dawn elemental initiation and a portion of a banishing ritual. The two images suddenly become one and I understood. I was near tears but of sadness or joy I don't know. I feel like I have dramatically changed. I have lost something. I have gained something. I am more 'in balance' yet not fully understanding makes me feel less so. I am younger, older and different. I am not the same as I was.




(Picture from entitled Persistance of Vision from (http://www.sgeier.net/fractals/fractals/05/Persistence%20of%20vision.jpg)