Thursday, January 5, 2012
I have been through a host of initiatory experiences. I have been through an Alexandrian Neophyte (many years ago), five Golden Dawn (GD) style initiations, and an initiation of sorts as I grew into working along with the Greek deities in a more "ancient-witchy" intuitive style.
For those that are unfamiliar, GD initiations begin with a general neophyte then moves along the elements with an initiation for each earth, air, water and fire. Then there is a probationary grade called portal in which these elements are recombined after being torn asunder by their respective initiatory forces.
In my case the combination of the Alexandrian Neophyte that left me obsessive and my Earth initiation which assisted in creating a PTSD inducing moment resulted in an extraordinarily obsessive man. The upside, I suppose, was that the obsession focused on the traumatic incident and its aftermath. I wasn't randomly obsessive at all.
You are supposed to do some alchemical purification in each grade along the way. For the most part I did that. Describing the feeling is difficult. Think of balancing on one finger a baton with an unbalanced weight on the top, stopping, shaving the weight a bit to make it closer to a neutral, then putting it back on your finger. It was never quite right. Things were always a struggle. Even my successes were mostly hard fought individual moments.
I did gain magickal knowledge. I did learn magickal skills and turned a lot of personal lead into things closer to gold but I was always balancing that baton.
Then I hit my dark night of the soul. Holy shit. Previous posts have documented that.
I've been healing over the past two weeks. That healing is beginning to solidify. There is an inner steal developing. There is an encompassing joy. I'm going a bit nutty but as Lon DuQuette says 'in a socially acceptable way.' I am funnier, quicker to laugh, helpful and finding that I like other humans more than ever before.
The main point of this post was the solidification. The vacillating mind is now directed in a calm way rather than a fiery way. My confidence is stronger but again quieter. Without gaining any technical skill I am much more of a magician now than I was a couple of months ago.
Tomorrows post will be the first in the Pagan Blog Project series and be on affirmations.