Jack and I had a discussion that led me to returning to Hermes. I began with a simple meditation. Hermes arrived immediately but more intellectually than the normal god-form assumption. He spoke without prompting. This led me to something from my more or less recent past. It was upsetting.
Sorry for being vague but some things are private.
Today, I felt a call to visit Haniel, the angel of Netzach. Netzach's planet is Venus and the English name is desire. This is desire of anything from the basest sexuality to the highest spirituality, including wanting a PB&J with milk on a Saturday afternoon.
Haniel revealed my problem. Previous posts have revealed that I am out of phase with time. I feel things that happened ten years ago are still happening. Rationally, I know this is false but my mental and emotional bodies, as well as my Nephesch, seem not to understand this. Haniel showed me how this came to be.
From time to time, I mention the very bad thing here. This is a name I coined because I'm tired of talking about it. However, what happened is germane to this post. So, for those of you that are long time readers, allow me to catch up the newer folks.
Way back when God was a corporal, I belonged to an Alexandrian coven. I found myself in a very odd relationship with a coven mate. She ended that by throwing a surprise orgy in my brand new house while making it clear that I could not participate. This she accomplished by publicly declaring her coven rank about my own. In that coven, you were taught that those above you in rank can issue forth orders. This Robert would never put up with that. The Robert of that time did.
At some point, I left the area only to came back into my living room where somewhere between five and seven people were having sex. For a split second, I saw a blur. Maybe I saw an arm or a leg but the rest was like looking through the milky glass of a shower stall. In that moment, that one small ticking of a clock, my brain froze, my heart skipped a beat, my emotional body died and I lost time. For ten years, the first two of which are a drunken haze, I stayed in that moment and the later ostracision of my coven mates for my daring to express my pain and shock at this emotionally sadistic behavior.
This also partially explains how from time to time, I drop back into old Robert modes. I am not that guy anymore but on occasion, I am.
My task, as Haniel explained to me, is to call forth the powers of Saturn to get me back in phase. I will search for a suitable time in which to work that sphere. This means that within 30 days, there will be at least two major workings that are more magick than meditation, the pathworkings and Saturn.
This should get interesting.