I keep getting closer and closer to getting this book project off the ground but something keeps stopping me. It isn't anything odd that you'd attribute to occult interference. I just keep continuing to make the decision not to sit down and write.
Last night, I did an investigation into something I thought was odd about one of my healing clients. I was looking into the source of an illness to find out if it was magickally created or not. I can only attribute what happened next to the a bit of reward for doing something kind or I that was in the right space to do this.
In order to find what I was looking for originally, I asked to have my spirit focused on the Lesser Neschemah. This is also known as Binah on the Tree of Life. The Lesser Neschemah is what connects us to everything. It is where deep psychic connections really come from. It is also the realm of Saturn, the place of time and form. If you want to stay within the confines of your soul, you must know Binah and Saturn.
To clarify, Binah/the Lesser Neschemah is part of the immortal soul. Saturn, in this context represents the constraints needed to manifest that soul completely. This is a little like a sportscaster saying a player is trying to do too much, that he must stay within his game. Saturn is representative of what is within my spirit-game.
So, while I was there the idea hit me to drop into myself and find out why I can't get this book written. It turned out that there was something stuck within. I do not know if this was buried in my automatic personality (the programmed part of us) or if it was in my Nephesch (animal soul). Frankly, it could have been buried anywhere within. The only comment I can make is that it was buried very deep.
My father was an interesting man. I think he meant well but sometimes missed the mark. For instance, my sister wanted to be an attorney. When she told him he researched and found an article that said that by the time she graduated there would be glut of attorney's and she wouldn't be able to find work. She took the advise and changed career plans. This has haunted her. I had big dreams as a kid. I wanted to be a baseball player, musician or author. He spoke to me about the long odds of any sort of success. I'd give him that on the first two.
He was also a man that had many of what my mother called get rich quick schemes. Looking back none of these were get rich quick schemes. My dad was a hard worker. He was trying to start businesses and had big dreams for their success. Now, given the above that his view of big dreams were not likely to pan out, I can only imagine how it came to pass to all of his dreams failed to come to fruition. That inner conflict must have been difficult for him.
Regardless, the idea of big dreams being very unfruitful and disappointming combined with the idea of my mother's derision of so-called "get rich quick schemes" somewhere within my psyche or some other part of me. Immediately, this made perfect sense.
I have had several incidents like this of late. Long time struggles with life-mysteries suddenly making sense.
This combined to force me to stay in the accepted reality of 9 to 5 jobs. I hate my job.
I asked my inner self how to get past the block. Understanding the block wasn't going to be enough to solve the problem. I understood the essence of the block but not the essence of freedom to pursue the goal. There were no words of explanation just an emotion. I felt the emotion of the pursuit of the dream, unsullied by the perceptions of my parents. I can now call up that emotion and proceed as I wish.
But there is more.
The dream isn't about the book selling. The dream isn't about other people benefiting from it. The dream is the accomplishment of being published.
I need to focus that a little more. Other people will benefit from it. I've seen people benefit from the Meditation too often to believe otherwise. I take great joy in that. However, the dream of writing the book is publication. If I add the other stuff, it will trigger that old programming. So, I focus on the little dream. The bigger dreams will happen only after this first thing is accomplished.