Last night, the Druid kicked my ass over this post. He took umbrage with the dubious and skeptical lens I through which I view my magickal abilities. He told me that if I don't understand the power I wield, I could hurt someone I am trying to heal. He used the example of all the fire in that ritual mentioned in the post. Too much energy in a healing can be as bad as too little or even worse. He made his point.
There is also a new character in my life to be known as the Psychic. I mentioned the conversation with the Druid. She said he was right and asked me to go into a quiet room and ask myself why I refuse to accept my abilities and to tell her the first thing that came to mind. The answer was that I am afraid to see the universe as it really is.
So last night, I allowed myself to accept. It lasted two-tenths of a second. In that moment, I felt my entire body relax. All tension was gone. That same body rejected the idea. The phenomenon was the very much the same as my experiences with what I call full light of day astral vision. This is when I can see astrally with the same clarity as I see the physical world at noon. Most of the time, I see through the glass darkly. Though that darkness is getting lighter and lighter all the time. When I see at full light of day, it only lasts for an instant before it instantly shuts down. The recent event with fire was very bright but not full light of day. I am confident this instant shutting down will go away in time and with practice.
Later, I simply focused on accepting my abilities. I didn't seek to boost them in my own perception. I did not inflate them in any way. In fact, no specific ability was even entered my mind. It was as a simple acceptance, a willingness not to fight myself. The struggle was almost physical. I could feel the tensions grow and move throughout my physical body. My guess is that they actually reside in the etheric. I simply felt them as physical.
This morning, I went for my traditional weekend morning bagel and coffee at Uncle Harry's. I began to read a book on pagan mentoring. I highly recommend this work if you're considering mentoring from a pagan perspective. As sometimes happens with fiction, something about it lifted my mind to an occult level.
I opened my mind to accepting my abilities. Again, they were unspecified, generic but highly personal. This really isn't talking myself into something. It is letting go of resistance. This is not easy for me. As my focus increased, I noticed the other patrons of Uncle Harry's staring at me. I've mentioned since incidents before. It was only one table of people this time. My concentration broke.
As I regained focus, I heard the voice of the Helpful Diety reminding me of one of Its titles. WHAM! I could suddenly place It on the tree of life. I've encountered two aspects of this deity and both immediately placed themselves on the tree. One aspect within a sephira and the other on a path. So simple! The implications for my own acceptance of Self was obvious. Making this manifest within will still be a challenge. However, now I have the keys. It will happen.
It also instructed me to use my qabalistic knowledge in our rituals with her. I did note it was the knowledge, not the ritual forms.
These things I am encountering now are the result of friendships. My magickal partner, the Druid and the Psychic all played their part. It is wonderful to be surrounded by so many teachers.