Living Perfection

I performed a water initiation upon myself yesterday morning. The rite was simple. Open the triangle, create the form of the letter Mem (water) in the focal point, internalize that letter and sit there. My mind wandered to various negative things. This irritated me as I thought it was a lack of focus. Maybe that was a review of bullshit, internal and external, that had a watery impact.

The rite was weak, powerless, a whole lot of nothing. Then again, I could only sit in that spot for about five minutes before I ran from the room. The triangle ritual can be very...something. I am not trying to be coy. I don't have a word for the pressures it produces.

Last night, I watched a documentary called the Invisible War (link is to Netflix). It is about rape in the military and the incredible abuse of power wielded against the victims as commanders protect their friends and/or are simply incredibly ignorant of how to handle such things. This kicked my issues into higher gear.

Then I remembered, it is Perfect. I am Perfect. My reactions to things are Perfect. With those thoughts, the intensity level dropped immediately. That came from acknowledging certain facts and accepting that it is normal to be pained by things. I do not have to fight them. My pain reaction is not weakness but a perfect product of my life experiences.

As I told someone on Facebook that was having a hard time earlier that same day, I've seen Perfect. I know all is Perfect but sometimes in dark moments I forget. Last night, I remembered. I remembered.

Many folks will criticize modern GD-based theurgy as nothing more than occult psychology. This view is understandable, especially given posts like mine. That view does fall short. Psychology is an art that seeks to provide mental health. A knowledgeable friend of mine told me the other day that 70% of humans are mentally ill. If 70% of people are doing/being anything, it is normal. Therefore, the definition of mental illness used to determine that 70% must be in error.

In the mid 1980's a man named Walking Bear told me that religion tells us how to behave and psychology tells us why we can't do it. I would add that psychology may even provide some coping mechanisms and healing. However, it stops at the level of the mind. Spirit is transcendent. Modern theurgy allows one to shed the mind-traps to reveal spirit and be more than not-pained, more than healthy. The practice reveals the soul's evolutionary process, which is a thing entirely different from mind and human understanding.

Perfection is the process of life. Seeing that and living that are not a psychological game but a mystic state of being, of closeness to the One, of having the eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to feel.

"Therefore, God arranged things so that man himself would be the creator of his own good and master of his own perfection...

Thus the free-willed man is the primary and essential element in creation. Everything else created is only a means for bringing about man's closeness with God. All other created things, whether above or below, exist only for his sake, to provide an environment where he can earn his place in a world which is all good."

Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, Inner Space 

Removing Fear

A man by the name of VI took me to school yesterday. I learned of the demiurge. (EDIT: Here is the Apocryphon of John which shared about the Demiurge. Though you may want to find other links that boils it down faster.)  In my mind the demiurge was a created being who could not see anything of a higher order above "him" but he could see that which was below and therefore concluded that he was the Creator.

I draw an analogy to the lower personality that can see only its own interaction with the world and therefore assumes it is the creative power one's life because it cannot look 'up' and see the soul operating above itself influencing things in subtle and not so subtle ways.

VI shared with me that the demiurge is a created being of G-d and a product of the first thought. This being was given the power to create at one point and then G-d withdrew that power and allowed the demiurge's creation to create. I assume at a lower level.

Now this is what really got me. He told me that Gnostic Christians viewed the God of the Old Testiment as the Demiurge and Christ as a direct product of the Father, not the Demiurge. Given that I look at the Bible and wonder how anyone would want to go to that psychotic god in any form, looking at him as the Demiurge makes more sense to me. As VI put it, he is the orphaned child and is therefore unbalanced and angry but given he is the product of the first thought, higher qualities do exist. The made a lot of sense to me given the bipolar nature of the Old Testament deity.

It also worked for me as I have read the Chaldean Oracles which has a phrase about the second mind whom all of mankind believes to be the first. VI tells me these ideas have different sources. I believe him as he is a scholar and I am not. However, different sources reaching the same conclusions along different paths is what I am all about. I love that stuff.

As I continually soften my harsh views on Christianity, thinking of the demiuge in this way will come into play. For instance, I am reading Kabalah now. Normally, I examine Qabala which is a magickal interpretation of the Kabalah from a non-Jewish perspective. The Kabalah is all Jewishness and a bit richer. As I was reading, I came across some pretty cool stuff and then reached a point where I was told to fear god. Hogwash. No god I will deal with needs to be feared. Respecting Its power? Hell yes. Fear as a matter of course? No way.

I simply discarded the lines about fear as a product of the demiurge psychosis and moved on. Given that the Demiurge is a product of the first mind, I can ferret out the holy from the illness and still reach for my spiritual goals.

It made me wonder, if some of the behavior I see in the famous GD leaders comes from just this idea. They reached for G-d and landed the demiurge. It is arrogant of me to guess at such things as I see all things as utterly perfect. Yet, the little Robert does so wonder. The greater Robert simply has compassion.

Personal Note:

Last night, I encountered a topic that usually sparks anger and unhealthy thought patterns. This time it did not. I believe the reason is that I have a candle that I burn every night to Gabriel, Angel of Luna. I pray to Gabriel to cool down my fires and reflect my solar nature rather than letting me sunburn folks. It seems to be working.

Manifestation Meditation Revision Result

I performed the revised Manifestation Meditation today. The symbol to the left appeared on my forehead. Qabalistically, this symbol is obvious. I do not take this to mean I have obtained this but that the new version can lead to it.

I was also given instructions on how to perform a water initiation upon myself using my triangle ritual. I will perform this ritual however I am a bit concerned for the following reasons:

• The triangle ritual is fiery, not watery
• Just the opening blows my head off
• Three other things that I haven't thought of yet.

Yet Another Project

I am well aware that I keep undertaking projects and then they fizzle.  I have been presented another. A local person wants to write a book on the magickal properties of the local plant life. She is armed with some Native American meanings. I am ignorant of such things nearly completely.

The plan is for me to skry said plants and see what I see. If it matches the Native meanings, cool. If not, I will try to use them for what I see in them. From there, we decide if we should proceed or not.

Fire Issue Success

My family Christmas was a bit different this year. A friend of a relative was there. We discussed safe topics like the Israeli/Palestinian issue and religion. I had a very pleasant conversation with him. I expressed my views and he his but not once did I get the slightest bit angry. Those were hot button issues and I was watery, accepting and calm. 

Last night, I was involved in a Facebook discussion on Pantheacon. I was expressing my disappointment but calmly and professionally. My hair was not on fire. I didn't get upset.

I think I am making huge progress with my fire issue especially given the difficulty I have been having of late.

Speaking of that, I had the Psychic take a look. she said this is my last time for looking into the face of the lion but I have to do it one more time. I hope she s right.

Technique Change, Mom Update

I have designed the Manifestation Meditation and my magickal approach upon the Qabala, which has taken from the Jewish Kabbalah and morphed it into something effective but not the original much like I morphed the Qabala into some MM techniques, tarot patterns and magickal rituals.

For Christmas I received a book I placed on my Amazon wish list years ago, Inner Space by Kaplan. This is Kabbalah. It forced me to reconsider my morph of the Qabala. I made a bubble gum and duct tape patch to my technique tonight.

This patch had to do with the prayer, imagery and intent of reaching my target. Something else takes over once I get there. In this healing, my astral vision was stronger than ever before.

"Mom's" kidneys were on fire in my vision. So where her bowels. I put out the fires with a combination of the Hebrew letters Mem and Vau (water and air) respectively. I added water and reduced air. The flames went out. I added some Jupiter for healing.

Any improvement will be in conjunction with modern medicine as her infection just began responding yesterday to conventional treatment.

On a Personal Note

My head is about to explode. The negative vibes from Christmas Eve resonated with my own issues enough that I feel that I am having some issues.

Rough Holidays

There are a lot of people out there that get depressed or mentally stressed during the holidays. I am not one of them. However, this last week has been a horrendous strain.

I haven't slept well. I have been cranky. My psychological stress last night was very close to the intensity of my break down last year. It manifested very like my issues of the past but not the same energy input and output. That was the clue. These were not my issues that I was facing.

I have become more and  more open to the energies of the universe and the like. I was (and still am but to a lesser degree) picking up on the general angst of the season from all those folks that do have holiday issues. I recognized the energy patterns that I was facing last night were not mine. The ability to do that comes from heading the admonition of the Oracle at Delphi, "Know Thyself."

You have to know who you are in order to realize that you are under the influence of something that is not you. Had I owned that energy as mine  I could have descended once again into the abyss.

Be relentless. Know thyself, even the parts you deny to others. Know yourself so well that you don't have to deny your faults. Only in this way can you be aware enough to pick up differences like this even when you are as in as bad a shape as I was last night.

The MM and the Chaldean Oracles

The other day,  I was whining to Jack Flash as my PTSD made a wimpy comeback for a short time. I think it lasted about 48 hours. He gave me the idea of doing some lunar work to calm my ever burning solar energy, "You are Sol," I think he said. Having tried everything else, and knowing Jack is always worth a listen, I gave it a shot. I am doing a daily lunar prayer and candle lighting just like I do for Aphrodite.

Last night, rather than watching Netflex, I wrote about 1,500 words on my triangle ritual. For those that do not know, the triangle ritual is a CM ritual designed to allow one's soul to guide one's magick and give it proper form. Frankly, the opening blows my head off a bit. So, I am slowly working it.

I have had two people sit at ground zero during during just the opening as a test. They both reported sacred space being created along with my other intended effect.

Tonight, I have been spendng time with the Chaldean Oracles and finding my work to be a reflection of that lofty writing. I can find the seeds of what I do within those old words. I am having fun.

A Remembered Vision and Mom Update

I have a friend that I call the Disciple of Christ. This is a woman that has never had the mildest curiosity that doesn't result in a question and she has never let a question go unasked. As I learn from speaking and questioning, I learn a lot from her that she is not intending to teach.

Last night was no exception. Sparing the details of what led up to this, I remembered a moment from my early explorations of magick. I was eighteen or nineteen years old. It was during a meditation...

 I went to the gates hell.

The basic view was a purple haze and a cave at the base of a mountain. In recalling the image, I see two pillar-like constructions on either side of the gate that barred the cave. I am not sure if that is my present knowledge interposing itself on that old image or not. Things flew in and out using an opening at the top of the gate. Sounds came from within. I didn't hear screams, cries of torment or the maniacal laughter of the deity of punishment. The rattles of chains rang forth with a hollow echo revealing depths unimaginable. In that moment, I felt fear, doom and hopelessness.

Scared shitless does not describe me in that moment but soul liquifying terror is too over the top. The feeling was somewhere in between. For a long time this experience was a big deal. I thought about it a lot. The thought hasn't reoccurred in years.

I cannot say if I went to the gates of hell or not. That may have been a projection of fears. The contemporaneous feelings and thoughts were real to me. Given this happened on the astral, I am wondering if that experience manifested for me in normal life. There is a 'magickal law' that if something is created on the astral it must manifest. My experience has been that symbols do to manifest exactly as is but by analogy.

I went through 10 years of obsession, chained to thoughts of fear, hopeless and rejection. I chained myself to a teacher that refused to fully disclose the events and that perpetuated those feelings. Could these things be caused by that experience or were these things foreshadowed by my vision? My answer is:

I have no idea. I am not drawing conclusions.

Could it have manifested in my enraged reactions to Christianity? I often speak of threats of hell coming from its priests. I do not know. 

Mom Update:

She has experienced zero back or neck pain since my last working on her. The aforementioned x-rays were lost by the hospital. She is now battling several infections which the doctors are focusing on above all else.

What the Hell

Twice in a week I have been offered sex in exchange for magick. I have turned them down.

I am not sure what I am supposed to make of that. It has never happened before and this is twice in a week?

Teachers, Karma and Perfection

Nick Farell wrote a post that dovetailed nicely with the piece I just wrote about magickal teachers. In it, he asks, "What if you are wrong?" This is an excellent question to ask any prospective teacher and a perfect response to any pronouncement from on high. I agree with a great deal of what Nick has to say, unless I have no idea what he is talking about. Then, given his opponents, I figure he is mostly right.

He does mention a couple of things that I have struggled with and reached different conclusions.

He writes, "Nor could I see that the need for revenge, which is all the idea of karma is based on, was necessary either." I do not cotton to this point of view. As I stated yesterday, I overworked Geburah as a young man. It made me angry and volcanic. The fact that I was angry cost me friends and associates. That is just a fact. Angry people have less friends. It is as natural as rain. Karma is my position in present life is without those people. It is my position right now. Frankly, some of them I am well better off without. Others, I would have been better off with. Karma is simply the accumulated position of the moment.

Nick continues, "A completely innocent child is raped by their step father. Since they are young, they cannot have accrued any karma which could justify that act of evil being committed to them."

This is a serious criticism of karma given his point of view. One either has to rely on some deed in a past life getting moved forward or punt. Frankly, I subjectively agree with past life reasoning. I can outline my reasons but they are intuition-based to such a degree that I'd never argue the point. Though, my reasons have no concept of punishment attached to them whatsoever. Nor do they involve specific past deeds.

To my mind, the mystical vision I had of perfection addresses this question so much better than any other explanation I have heard.

Perfection is the ongoing process of unfolding the soul. This applies to the individual, the collective 'soul' of humanity and the world soul. Though, I have scant experience with the last two, I'm going out on a limb with those.

The ongoing perfection process refines us to an incredible edge, if we let it. The trials we face grind away all that we are not. But wait, she was five, she hasn't accumulated what she is not yet. How can it help? Well...

I have revealed here that I was molested by my mother as a teen. As far as molests go it was on the lighter side of things and didn't last long. However, it was a horrible experience. It led me to drugs (lots and lots of pot mostly) and all sorts of behavior I am not proud of. The lessons learned from those experiences brought me right back to those horrific events.

I learned that people do incredibly stupid, harmful things as an expression of their own pain. I gained sympathy for my mother as I realized all the pain she was in at that point in her life. I can now look at a lot of the stupid things people do from that perspective. There is mercy, compassion and understanding attached to the pained soul that commits such acts and all the less horrible acts we more commonly face. This is not to excuse them but to understand them.

Learning understanding, compassion and mercy is generally considered a positive thing. These horrible events of my life are part of the perfection in all things, in all processes, in all ways. As painful as they were, I was able to learn and grow from them as I slowly unfold. This is true for everyone else as well. I can say that what my mother did was a perfect reflection of all of her life experiences and pain, my reaction was perfect too, as were the lessons I learned.

Everything is perfect. Even horrible acts are perfect. Think of that the next time you're beating yourself up for something you did ten years ago. Enjoy how perfect you are, just remember to keep riding the lessons of perfection, they never stop.

The pain of such things remains as long as we are stuck in a world duality. Once we see things as a process that isn't good or bad, we transcend and heal.

Mistake and a Tip

There is always a bit of controversy in the occult world regarding teachers. Some people believe you should have one. Others say you should go on your own.

My teachers have been brilliant, my friends, incompetent, mean, shining stars and pitch black caves of ego. I learned a great deal and I respect them for their efforts, successful or not. Given the above, I think I am as qualified as anyone to voice an opinion on occult teachers and if you should seek one out. So, without hesitation, I issue forth the following opinion.

I have no idea.

There are too many variables to really know. Go with your gut. You will know what you need.

For those going on their own, I have a tip. Find the system that calls to you and work it. Start from the beginning. Do not skip ahead because you are that big and bad. That is your ego calling. Do not pick up the phone.

When I started, I was scared out of my mind. I thought the best thing to do was surround myself in the strength of Geburah. I vibrated the god names a lot. This was a bad idea. It left me martial and angry. It has taken most of a decade of hell to be able to invoke Jupiter often enough to become a counter balance. I see the positive effects of that every day but it is so very much too late in my life in many ways.

Start at the beginning people. I have a list of young magic users doing dumb stuff as they begin. Those without talent do not hurt themselves or others. Those with talent do. The only way to possible way to avoid that is to work patiently from the beginning.

On Myself and Hermes

Years ago, I read a book called Undoing Yourself by Christopher Hyatt. One of his statements was that people tend to worship their preconditioned neurons. He made the point that people tend toward a religion that they were raised with. Should they change, they move to something closely related.

My neurons were preconditioned against Christianity for whatever reason. I am s.l.o.w.l.y. getting past that. I can say that Hermes was never mentioned in my childhood home. Further, in my occult life, I have run across various deities. Some of them, I have been told about. Others, I have invoked, prayed too, or worked with magickally.

I became stuck on Hermes. Why? I assumed the cause was that Hermes is so influential in GD work, god of magicians and all that but so is Thoth. I have invoked Thoth on the dais in GD ritual. I felt as if I have reached back to the beginning of time. This wasn't a museum experience. It was living within the manufacturing of the object in the museum. Thoth was there when the universe was dust. Even with that incredible experience, I did not feel any kinship or need to call him again.

I will readily admit I haven't done as much research into his lore as I should have. I went in knowing just the basics. Hermes is the god of communications, travelers, commerce and father of Pan. It took me about three seconds to match thing to a common thread, Unity.

In order to communicate we must be unified by a medium. Commerical activity only takes place as we unify buyers and sellers. There is a secondary, or primary depending upon how you look at it, unification.  Buyers unify with the products they need and sellers unify with the money they need to continue in business. This chain stretches pretty much forever. Travelers unify with new people that they met, their destination and a host of things along the way. They were strongly part of the first two in times of old. As far as Pan, do I really need to point out what unifies there and the result?

As I have been invoking Hermes, he unified my separated ideas into the Manifestation Mediation.  He showed me how I was connected to various people. How to see clearly on the astral. Hermes unified me with friends that unified me with other forms of magick. My perceptions of self and others have been heightened.

Yeah sure He performed as his nature would indicate but so do other gods.Why did I resonate with him?

I think unification has been a big part of my spiritual path for longer than I was aware. My life, from a very young age, has been one of disunification. From the age of four or five I was always the one on the outside and never understood the world I lived in. From that angle, seeking to be unified with the One, seems to naturally follow.

Does these mean that I circled back and came to worship my pre-conditioned neurons or maybe overcome them? I don't know and I'm not sure I care right now. So far, being with Hermes has been a most gratifying adventure.

Got My Ass Kicked

A few days ago, I tried to heal a friend that was feeling ill. I could see the infection was well-established, persistent, and tough. To my vision, it was a sickly green. I cleaned that up and tried to get rid of it. It was sticky, aggressive and I could not get rid of it.

I used GD banners, words of power, physical movement, visualizations, astral spin moves that would make Bruce Lee blush (yes they were that embarrassing). I finally used my control of fire to destroy that gunk.

Turning back to my friend, I saw there was some left but most of her was clear. This clear area had bright pinpoints of life. I have seen these before. I think this may be the life force of astral things or the matrix that holds it together. More experience is needed here. I killed as much as I could but I knew it wouldn't be enough.

She reported that she felt a bit better in the body but that was it. I advised her to see a doctor. I think I was fortunate not to catch it myself.

Two days later she did and was diagnosed with severe strep.

Now, let me get this straight...I was able to take a kid with Asperger's and reduce his symptoms to zero for over a month but the best I can do with strep is perform as a weak aspirin? Frankly, I'd rather help with the permanent issues but even so, I find this to be a bit vexing.

Spiritual Reference Point

In speaking with a friend over a beer in a local pub tonight, I arrived at this conclusion. When I wasn't wholly Who I Am or, put another way, walking off my path*, I had a tendency to knock others off their paths. If I didn't knock them off, I did inflame the parts of them that kept them from their essential Isness. As I live within Myself, the people I associate with tend to find their place. It is as if by declaring "I am here" other people can locate their proper here, as they have a reference point to essential 'hereness'.

Inversely, we know this is true. It is why people warn their children not to associate with unsavory types. People tend to gravitate toward the crowd's lowest common denominator and become unsavory themselves. The, for lack of a better term, positive side is harder to see as we have fewer obvious examples. I realized that I have become one such example for some.

* By path, in this case, I mean walking within the confines of one's soul, not any particular spiritual tradition.

A Point of Clarification

From time to time, I express my point of view here rather than just recording my activities. Most of the time, I am the most disagreed with magician in the blogosphere or so it feels like. I'm fine with being disagreed with as long as the response isn't so over rationalized.

In the past, I have commented on the magician's responsibility when it comes to magickal fallout. More than one person has taken my stance to mean that I am against magick for practical means. This is not true. Aside from my healing work, I acknowledge most of my work is not practical but spiritual. That does not mean I am against doing practical work. I have referred many to Jason Miller's courses, for instance.

My point of view is that all magick has fallout. If you're going to take credit for what your magick brought, I believe you need to take responsibility for what your magick wrought. Simple. If I do practical magick that, in the view of an impacted person, was negative, I am responsible for helping that soul out, even if that person has no idea the blow they suffered was my fallout.

Maybe I did magick gain the money to landscape my front yard, a water main breaks wiping out my sidewalks and lawn and insurance pays for my landscaping. Awesome!

Unfortunately, the main broke under my neighbors paid off car and his insurance doesn't cover replacement. In my view, I am responsible for his loss. Therefore, I am going to send a ton of blessing, healing and financial magick his way. I fail to see what is wrong with that.

Most magicians I know say that other fellow would not be their responsibility. I say it is mine. It is that simple.

Glamours

I once knew a woman that wanted a job. I saw her after the interview. Average had become stunningly beautiful. I knew it was a glamour but I could not see through it. The next time I saw her, she was as I knew her. To me, this is how a glamour should be used. There is a task at hand, glamour is needed for that task, use it then lose it.

I once knew another that used glamour to be perceived in a certain way by his friends and associates. This sort of glamour must be maintained on a permanent basis. The problem lay in the fact that if those qualities were actually possessed, the glamour would not be needed. This leaves one in the trap of living a lie. Worse, because people treat you as if you possess these traits, one tends to believe one's own press. This has several ramifications.

1.   The aforementioned need for more or less constant maintenance.
2.   The pressure of having to live up to said deceit  I don't care who one is, how smart one is or how clever one is, that is a strain. It is a strain because one is living outside who one really is.
3.   One never grows into what one wants to be or thinks one is because one falls victim to one's own illusion. In short, growth stops.

Glamours can be useful. They can also be traps.

Creating Corridors

I was once amazed when a friend told me how she travels the dream corridors. I have a vague idea of what that means but not really. I haven't experienced something like that enough to say, "Oh, dream corridors are..."

There is something I am working on magickally that I have never had in my life or, if I had it, never recognized it. This something falls within the realm of Netzach, Venus or Aphrodite. Yes, these powers deal with things other than eros!

Since I have no link to this thing, using magick for it is difficult. My normal easy thought forms and the like won't cut it. So, I have a candle, consecrated by my own blood sacrifice, on my private altar. Every day I burn the candle and pray to Aphrodite.

I have seen signs of things coming to fruition but they are definitely not here yet. Last night or the night before I spontaneously 'looked' at what my prayers were doing. I found myself traveling down a tunnel that seems to be in the process of being carved through the astral. When I reach the end I can feel the emotional satisfaction of being within the flow of this energy.

My point is that you can obtain that which seems 'outside' of your life through persistent effort as opposed to various loud magical barrages at the target.

"Mom" Update

In speaking to the daughter today, I learned a few things.

Friday, the day after I worked on her back, the doctor ordered x-rays of her back infection. They expect no change from these but are going to take another set Monday.

Today, she got out of bed on her own...without any pain. This is quite a feat for someone that hasn't managed to get out of bed without pain in four months and has only accomplished getting up a few times on her own. Mom reports that her back pain is greatly reduced and she is feeling a better over all.

On the other hand, she was found unconscious during the late afternoon today due to very low blood sugar. This is after a day of eating well. I find this very concerning.

New Client and Triangle Space Impact

I have been presented a difficult case involving a a woman in her early sixties that has the following issues:

heart (she has stints)
small strokes
diabetes
a growth on her back to be biopsied
a broken back

Her daughter enlisted my aid. I have in my possession some of the woman's hair and the daughter's hospital visitor's badge. These I have placed on a non-GD altar that I keep in my bedroom. The first night the items were there, the daughter reported that her entire family slept great that night for the first time since mom had been admitted to the hospital. This family is very turbulent but very devoted to mom. It never occurred to me placing items on my little altar would have any impact on the family. However, I do know the reactions of family to health emergencies does have an emotional impact on the ill person. So, keeping family healthy and well rested would have some sort of impact.

I woke up Thursday morning about 5:45, about a half hour early. I immediately took the link from my altar and went to work. My first task was the growth on her back. I think it is more extensive than that and worked to starve it and the corresponding growths that I could see.

This morning, I worked on the broken back. Much like I reported recently, this time, I don't feel like I did anything aside from focus the compassion of the universe upon the client. What I saw looked like 1970's special effects. I looked at her through lights and stars. She was a blurred image behind them. The image was very cool but I did it help? I don't know yet and may never know on that one.

Triangle Work

I invoked Hermes last night using my triangle space method. It still has some bugs to work out but when I get to a certain point I feel a wholeness that is awesome. Wholeness is a form of holiness but it doesn't feel as one normally conceives of that word, holiness. I did not feel like the Dali Lama but very very present.

Hermes himself taught me to use the triangle form as a sort of magnetic engine. At the basal angle I can place a negative force and then my perceived positive counter-force at the other. As I move through the space the apex becomes the reconciler, which I drag to one of the basal angles. This in turn immediately creates the energies of the other angels. The faster I move the faster these energies grow, twist and change. Awesome stuff but a bit of a frenzy to work within.

I am sure I will do this again.

The Consequences of Oaths

I once took this oath:

The Oath of the Abyss

1. I, ___________, a member of the Body of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the Whole Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering:
2. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order:
3. that I will understand all things:
4. that I will love all things:
5. that I will perform all things and endure all things:
6. that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel:
7. that I will work without attachment:
8. that I will work in truth:
9. that I will rely only upon myself:
10. that I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul.

I bitch about the impact of this oath a lot. I was doing so the other day to my friend, I lamented that I was the only person in a situation that got called on his actions while everyone else got a pass. He said, "Yeah but you're the only one that took an oath to grow spiritually."

Game. Set. Match.

Fuck.

Living like this is a bitch. Many years ago RO was right when he said never take that oath. He continued, "It puts a target on your back." Yes, there is a target on your back 24/7. I step two inches out of line and the Universe descends -- corrects me -- slaps me upside the head with a clue-by-four when necessary. Tighter and tighter winds the cord and deeper down the rabbit hole I go. That said Exupery was right, "Perfection is not achieved when there is nothing left to add but nothing left to take away." This oath takes a lot away.

Early in my journey a Yaqui native told me, "You can become the person you want to be because you listen." He was right. I do. I listen every time the universe smacks me. I am aware of the fact that it keeps smacking me until I draw the proper conclusions. All of these corrections seem to point out what I am not to be so that I can be what I Am. If you want to grow spiritually, learn to heal, read souls or whatever it is that you are meant to do, you have to dive in.

RO was right. It puts a target on your back but the bulls eye is the True You. How you dive in, under what oaths, what traditions or lack thereof is up to you but if you don't dive, you're wasting your time. DIVE. DIVE NOW.

You know who you are...and soon you will know more.

Tetrahedron: the Four Fires

The Platonic solid associated with fire is the tetrahedron. This is a four-side figure of triangles. (See link for an image.) Three sides are always visible  one is hidden. This figure is especially important in my visualization of the soul and method of its operation. In the lore of the Western Tradition there are four aspects of fire volcanic, solar, astral and latent. These are associated with the four sides of the solid.

Researching these aspects of fire in Heremetic lore is pointless. I have been told again and again there is nothing to be found. In order to understand them, one must look to physics, fire science and meditation.

Today, in the shower, I had a personal epiphany about these forms of fire. So, right now I am working with this.

Volcanic is that fire which is so creative that it is destructive. It can best be shared as INRI, Igne Natura Renovatur Integra (All Nature WIll Be Renewed By Fire). This is the side that in operation of the soul must be left unseen. Revealing it makes one's fellow humans recoil into denial. No one wants to get renewed through fire!

Solar is that fire that sustains life. It is the perpetual expression of the life force. It's image is the solar sigil. This is forefront as microcosmically it is our personality.

Astral, this is the fire that creates something new. This is astral action that builds something there that it may manifest here. Its image is the lightening bolt. This can remain in sight because no one can see it.

Latent heat is the heat within all things at rest. It is the heat of the seed, potential. Yet it is also the the residual spent force of creation, like warm charcoal after a barbecue. The heat of the physical form. This is the only one I have ever heard anyone try to explain.

Some may read this and say this is not a big deal. For me, it is huge as I delve into the nature of the soul.

Asperger Result and My Soul on Fire

Mom of child with aspergers, "The [most ill child] is now like a normal kid." I asked if this was just him being better behaved by still displaying symptoms of asperger's. She said, "No, like a normal kid maybe above average." He is doing his homework, paying attention to instructions and the like.

The other younger child is not himself. She kept using words like "He needs to find his way." He appears to be searching for what he lost when the bar was removed. This sounds like a normal reaction to me, given the circumstance. He lost part of who he thought he was. Heck, maybe even who he was. Maybe he was supposed to have that bar attached his whole life. I don't think so though.

My Soul on Fire

I have learned to see the geometric shape I associate with my soul in color. In doing so, I poured out sweat. I felt immense power. It freaked me out. I stopped the visualization, for now.

Working Within Binah/Saturn Space

I have a small altar in my bedroom. Upon it, is a seven day candle dedicated to a goddess anointed with my own blood. Her name is written on the back in crayon and can barely be seen.

The candle is lit every day. I simply ponder the goddess in question. The energy emitting from that space makes me long for many more altars in my home.

Tonight, Her voice told me to use my triangle method and call to Her. Images, candles and the like were not necessary. This, I was told, was my reward. I dislike hearing words like that. I have never had anything happen for good or ill as a result of such promises of reward. I obey anyway.

The triangle casting was a little awkward. I didn't do something I did the first time. What I am not sure. The space did hum with energy though. I called to the goddess. She told me what to ask Her for. Seeing no harm in it, I did. I was given nice visuals during the process.

We will see if there is any effect. My forecast is dubious. Though, it did get me in there using the triangular space and working out the kinks.