My Nephesch is fighting and being strong. It is winning. This is irritating.
The next time I think I'm going to call that thing for temporary strength, someone hit me over the head with a brick. Wait, that already is happening.
Basically, I have returned to thoughts of the very bad thing. Well, not really. It is more of the cover up undertaken by those after the fact, how they got put in that position and the distortions told all those years to hide their involvement. I have sent a few harsh emails on that and a tangentially related situation. This is Old Robert crap.
Oddly, as I was trying to break the links between those people in my past life [for their protection], I encountered some odd magics that I did not go looking for. One stoked my anger at the woman that did the very bad thing so another could remain hidden. Clever shit that and pretty nasty result for me. This wasn't pernicious it was just a selfish magick.
When that thing was cast, the person behind it had no reason to do such a thing in my direction. We were friends or so I thought. At worst, the relationship was cordial on both sides but I remember it as much better than that. I have learned a lot of people back then that I thought were friends were not, even when they truly believed they were.
That stoked anger is one of the things that caused so very much collateral damage to others and my self-esteem. Just like my behavior is doing now. I feel I should be in better control. I will never say it caused my anger. I had that before. I also had good reason to be angry regarding the very bad thing. Even when I was yelling at others it was really about her (mostly). Maybe she earned that extra focus created by that spell. However, I don't think that is why the spell was cast. It was a diversion that a lot of people paid the price for. As the target, I resent it deeply.
That spell is no longer influential. Funny thing about magick, once you see it, it is easy to remove.
Another thing I found was that someone has raised Sitri...and lost. Sitri is a spirit from the Lesser Key of Solomon aka the Goetia. He causes people to appear naked...for that. The naked people are showing up but the price is so hefty the person has no idea they are paying it. Demons are tricky things. Very smart people get suckered by them. I sent a warning; it will be ignored. The only hope I have for this person is the shock of me seeing it may be a wake up call. I doubt it. Rather than soul searching, the response will be anger and denial.
If that summoning took place before are about the time of the very bad thing, the fallout was tremendous! No, it did not cause the very bad thing. Well it could have but that would be a huge amount of damage one was willing to cause to see a naked person. Then again, they call them demons for a reason. I just talked myself into and out of believing both sides of that. No way for me to know and I don't care. I know the difference between unintended fall out and intentional harm.
The past is past and everything was always perfect.
There was a good thing that resulted in this latest call to my Nephesch. When it responded to my call for energy, it was huge. Nephesch are normally small things to my vision. This stood within me almost to my height. It told me it was so big because I was getting bigger [spiritually] and that gave it room to grow. This I did not buy into. So, I give myself one point among this screw up.
I think it is time to put that genie back in the bottle but how? I was very sure I was past this. It looks like I will be going back to the basics of the MM tomorrow. This is not acceptable.
Another odd thing was that the thought of working Goetia had crossed my mind again. I figured that with teh power of my immortal behind me, I could seriously control them. That is probably true. It is just as probable that they desire to do that was the beginning of the creeping Nephesch trying to wrestle back control. Good thing I didn't fall for that aspect of it.
This was a very cathartic post. I feel so much better!
I finally figured out what I was missing with the book. The original draft took the position of spiritual alchemy. I discussed the process as one of repair or purification. Now, I have reversed it to encompass my vision and knowledge of the perfection of all things. Now, I am making progress again.