Soul Repair?

My failed relationships with women are well known. What I don't screw up, they run from. This is less true of female friends, except that if I make any attempt, aware or not, to create a tighter Platonic bond, they bolt as well. There are also cases of relationships the complexities of which broke apart before they started, even if they lasted quite some time. Trust me, that makes sense in my head.

So over the last few weeks, the Disciple and I have had some problems. We always enjoyed a psychic link. We are aware of each other. She feels it more strongly than I do. I feel it almost subconsciously. She assumes that I have more detail than I have because her awareness of the link is usually stronger.

That link broke with no help for either party. Such a thing has never happened to me before. The other day, something shoved her, as she puts it, 'out of the periphery of your life'. For a while, I thought she meant that I did some sort of magick to do that. Instead, she feels there is some sort of spirit between us that pushes us apart.

I didn't reject the idea out of hand. If it did exist, I figured it could be her as well as me. After all, people externalize, project and do all sorts of weirdness. Talent and level of achievement do not make one completely immune from being human.

So, I spoke with a friend out on the disc golf course. He said something to the effect that if it exists it has to do with your mother. This is a sore subject for me. The reason being is that when I began to have troubles in my first group, specifically with the acting-hps, the hp floated to, and stuck by, the idea that I had issues with my mother that I was projecting onto the acting-hps. I didn't buy it then. I still do not.

Later, he admitted that no one trusted her at all. However, many still held to the idea, which I felt that given his admission was intellectually dishonest. This poison was spread via the hp to the person who taught me Golden Dawn style work. This skewed that person's perspective as well. At the very least, it was a fall back point.

So, given that a) my relationships with woman are usually strained until they break b) the Disciple, regardless of being right or wrong, is truthful and sincere, c) my friend bringing up the mother thing and d) I am tired of this pattern, I did the Advanced MM tonight.

In my ontology the shape of the soul is a tetrahedron. This is not unprecedented  Crowley described the cities across the abyss of being full of pyramids which he attributed to souls, if I recall correctly.

I was shown my tetrahedron as a clear crystal around me. One of the upsloping edges was flaking away from the upper most point. It remained attached only by a thin layer at the bottom.

I was told to work out which edge. The tetrahedron is simple. Each of the sides is comprised of fire, water and air. It must be kept in mind that these are the fiery parts of these elements as the symbol is of fire. The edge was obviously the join between fire and water.

When you are way up there, the join we are speaking of is between Chokmah/Fire and Binah/Water. Binah is female, the womb, that which gives form, the mother of us all. They say I have mother issues...

I asked what can cause the soul to break like that. The response was a feeling that it was all too much for me to understand  and that it occurred before lifetimes were a consideration. My job? Release the shard from my soul. Will it heal? Yes. In this lifetime? No or not completely.  Will releasing it solve my problem? [In the larger sense.] Yes. Why does this happen? 

That is the type of question I have long learned will not be answered. Much to my surprise I heard one. Just like we have to shed some of ourselves to grow spiritually so does the Greater Neschemah. This shard prevents it from traveling past the spirit that couples souls to the divine. The soul must be willing to lose part of itself to ascend. Wow.

At some point, it become obvious the shell resembled a feather...writing. Electronic communications in the form of texts and emails have always been troublesome for me. I've lost a lot of friends from that. So there is a form of damage caused by this shard. I was unaware these issues were related.

A man that goes by the name of VI pointed out to me once that I am a very talented public speaker. He posited that if I communicated verbally instead of via print most of my conflicts with other magicians would not have occurred. He said things make much more sense coming from me verbally.

His statement, the feather shape of the shard, and all these associated thoughts explained to me how I could send a completely professional email and have people lose their minds at work and how very similar things have happened in my private life. It also explains that when I have a non-professional email to send, I cannot resist. Of course, the same has happened privately too.

Yes, I was a bit afraid but this was a no brainer; I slices off a bit of my soul and let it fall down down down.

Immediately, I recalled shard is a Kabbalistic word. This quote is from My Jewish Learning.

"Primordial Man"

Following this, a third element, a ray from God's hidden essence (Ein Sof) entered the empty space and acted upon the existing mixture of reshimu and Din. This illuminating ray serves as a permanent link between Ein Sof and the empty space. The form of the divine produced by this first ray of light is termed the "Primordial Man" (Adam Qadmon). The latter is described with vivid anthropomorphic detail.

The lights shining from Adam Qadmon's "ears," "nose," and "mouth" constituted a collective or perfectly unified structure. But the light issuing from the "eyes" emanated in a different manner. They were atomized or separated into different sefirot so as to require their containment in special vessels or qelim.

The Breaking of the Vessels: Broken Shards and Holy Sparks

These vessels, composed of a "thicker" light, were to serve as "shells" for the purer light. In the process of emanation, however, some of these vessels were unable to contain the fight within them, and consequently shattered under the pressure, scattering themselves into the empty space. This event is known in the Lurianic texts as "shevirat ha-qelim," or the "breaking of the vessels."

In the wake of this event, most of the light that had been contained in the vessels returned to their divine source, while the remainder fell below into the empty space and attached themselves to the now broken shards of vessels. From these shards of broken vessels the powers of the qelipot, that is, "husks" or "shells" were produced. These are the evil forces of the "other side," the sitra ahra.

In addition to constituting the source of evil, the broken shards are also the basis for the material world. The sparks of light that failed to return to their source above remained trapped, as it were, among theqelipot. The qelipot, in turn, are constantly nourished and strengthened by the holy sparks attached to them. Indeed, were it not for these sparks, the qelipot would lose their life and power altogether.

In the wake of this event, most of the light that had been contained in the vessels returned to their divine source, while the remainder fell below into the empty space and attached themselves to the now broken shards of vessels. From these shards of broken vessels the powers of the qelipot, that is, "husks" or "shells" were produced. These are the evil forces of the "other side," the sitra ahra.
Now, considering at that level there is no time, the shard was both me at the highest levels and qlippoth, qelipot as mentioned above. Demonic is another term associated with this sort of energy. Though the qlippoth are more macrocosmic than something that should come off of my soul or...maybe...not? I don't know.

This is pretty surreal stuff. In meditation it is all so real but in writing this post...it seems...difficult to believe but oh so right at the same time. 

The proof of this will come in my life. While there has been huge improvement in my electronic communication of late and even friendly relationships, there are still obvious problems. If this actually happened, if this meditation really did release a shard, my life will change. Then again, there is no time up there. Maybe, I will never see a change in this lifetime. Providence is patient. It moves slowly. 

Note: If I butchered this post, let me know where it got confusing and I will try to clear it up. I am a bit tired but I had to get this recorded.