Sense of Self

Several events have occurred that have tested my new state.

First, there is a person acting less than harmoniously of late. It seems the happier I get the more this person, who normally is polite and cordial, becomes aggressive and rude. After briefly being taken aback, I realized there is no need to defend myself from the phantoms of perceptual error, pain or whatever else has manifested for the other. The universe unfolds in constant beauty and it will for this person as well. Maybe then we each sit on a floating lotus flowers with silent smiles and enjoy our mutual peace.

Secondly, I spoke at Fresno State today on things spiritual. The first class was very engaged, made a great deal of eye contact and I overheard one person as he left, "That was impressive." The second group was dead. I could have pulled a live unicorn out of my butt and they would have never noticed. I enjoyed both talks though. Just like in the first example, I was briefly taken aback by the second class but their reactions did not impact my enjoyment of the moment.


Lastly, a close friend has been weightlifting and doing well. I recalled my time doing that. There was once a time I was so strong that it felt like gravity didn't apply. I didn't walk, I floated.  I tried to say that I wished I could do that again but that wasn't right. Then I tried to say I was jealous of his experience but that wasn't right either. It came to me that I don't long for the past. I don't wish for that which I do not have or cannot experience. Our language isn't good at trying to convey such unconventional thoughts. So, I responded with something 'normal'  that wasn't quite right but wasn't clingy either.

I find myself being just fine with the reactions of other people and just fine exactly where I am. If I am rattled at all, I observe the state of the experience, how it impacts my physical and emotional sensations and that is about it. There is no ownership. Though, I must admit being a little confused at times. The actions of others no longer define my self-perception. I didn't try to do this; It just happened.

There is a level of peace, contentment, joy and awe that I have never experienced. I have literally enjoyed all the experiences above when in the past I would have been quite upset or wishing things were somehow different. It is hard to know how perfect all is and then wish for it to be something else. I love being where I am right now.