Weird State

No, I'm not talking about California.

I am in a weird state of mind or soul.

I am a ceremonial magician. I am also a rigid bastard. Rigidity has served me well on my trek. It has (mostly) kept me out of trouble. From stage left, enter Pan.

Um. Yeah. I don't believe in fear. I feel it from time to time. And, unless you're pointing a gun at me, I run over it. Most of the time. When I can't do that, I ignore it. Being told that I blacked out twice, once while completely sober is well, sobering. It is against the rules I live by. Accidental or not, it is a serious problem. I do not get 'passive'. Ever. The gods love horses. They will run them into the ground, especially Pan. I wish I didn't like him. Then, I could boot him to the side. He'd kill me if he wanted and then we could start a new life. That isn't going to happen.

The above concept of being passive applies to my path, not someone else's. Those of the voodoo path are quite okay with it. Yet, I am not into the voodoo that you do and do so well. I'm sure there are other paths that are okay with passivity. It does not fit into how I was taught. Then again, I am becoming my own now. Maybe it is okay, now. And what do I care who it is okay with? I don't. I do care if I'm sliding off the path.

I have noticed something in my dreams that I've alluded to hear once or twice but didn't really have the words to describe them. I've mentioned the colors have changed. I couldn't' define how. All my life my dreams have been in darkness. There is light coming from (or reflected from) that which I encounter but all the action, even in 'daytime', looks and feels like night. There is darkness, lots of darkness. Now, there is ambient light. The structures and beings I encounter are more solid. Did I mention that there is ambient light? Does that mean I'm at a higher level of Yesod during my 'average' dreams? Don't know but I like this better. I feel more alive in my dreams. The feel more communicative even when I don't remember. My old dreams were just my subconscious playing out hopes, fears, dreams or whatever. Now, that subconscious part of me is directed, purposeful, communicating.

My back is a mess. That is making work a mess. A huge mess. A big mess. I can't post about that here.

I feel very much in transition. Frankly, pretty much like I'm dying. The kicker is, I don't care. I'm a bit anxious but in a really healthy state of mind. I've never been more secure in me. I'd like a few more friendships outside my 'play group', I'd like a bit more of a financial cushion but aside from that I am good. I am only insecure about one thing, which, would be inappropriate to post about. Life may all explode over the place in the next several months anyway. Odd. Yes, I know this a rambling post that will not win any composition awards. Yet, this is how my mind is right now. Present, yet off. Pleasant, yet a bit apprehensive of the method of death, not death itself. I am not resigned or indifferent. I am detached.

Saturday, Joe said, "[my name] is no more." He may be right.

I can feel that I am in a very exciting stage of the work and a very dangerous one. I am at that point that my HGA and my mentor warned me about when they told me to lay off the goetia for a while. I don't know why they said that. Except that I am in exactly that point that they were concerned about.

My universe appears to be changing. I am changing. I have fear. I have gleeful anticipation. Yet, even with resolute purpose, I feel lost. My HGA is telling me all is good. I am exactly where I need to be, right now. My emotions do not have the faith in my HGA that my intellect has or is that backwards? Hard to tell.

My HGA told me to make a list of all the things that interested me. He told me to focus on just those right now. There is a list of magick stuff and baseball. Baseball, will be a good thing.