Monday, March 9, 2009

Weird State

No, I'm not talking about California.

I am in a weird state of mind or soul.

I am a ceremonial magician. I am also a rigid bastard. Rigidity has served me well on my trek. It has (mostly) kept me out of trouble. From stage left, enter Pan.

Um. Yeah. I don't believe in fear. I feel it from time to time. And, unless you're pointing a gun at me, I run over it. Most of the time. When I can't do that, I ignore it. Being told that I blacked out twice, once while completely sober is well, sobering. It is against the rules I live by. Accidental or not, it is a serious problem. I do not get 'passive'. Ever. The gods love horses. They will run them into the ground, especially Pan. I wish I didn't like him. Then, I could boot him to the side. He'd kill me if he wanted and then we could start a new life. That isn't going to happen.

The above concept of being passive applies to my path, not someone else's. Those of the voodoo path are quite okay with it. Yet, I am not into the voodoo that you do and do so well. I'm sure there are other paths that are okay with passivity. It does not fit into how I was taught. Then again, I am becoming my own now. Maybe it is okay, now. And what do I care who it is okay with? I don't. I do care if I'm sliding off the path.

I have noticed something in my dreams that I've alluded to hear once or twice but didn't really have the words to describe them. I've mentioned the colors have changed. I couldn't' define how. All my life my dreams have been in darkness. There is light coming from (or reflected from) that which I encounter but all the action, even in 'daytime', looks and feels like night. There is darkness, lots of darkness. Now, there is ambient light. The structures and beings I encounter are more solid. Did I mention that there is ambient light? Does that mean I'm at a higher level of Yesod during my 'average' dreams? Don't know but I like this better. I feel more alive in my dreams. The feel more communicative even when I don't remember. My old dreams were just my subconscious playing out hopes, fears, dreams or whatever. Now, that subconscious part of me is directed, purposeful, communicating.

My back is a mess. That is making work a mess. A huge mess. A big mess. I can't post about that here.

I feel very much in transition. Frankly, pretty much like I'm dying. The kicker is, I don't care. I'm a bit anxious but in a really healthy state of mind. I've never been more secure in me. I'd like a few more friendships outside my 'play group', I'd like a bit more of a financial cushion but aside from that I am good. I am only insecure about one thing, which, would be inappropriate to post about. Life may all explode over the place in the next several months anyway. Odd. Yes, I know this a rambling post that will not win any composition awards. Yet, this is how my mind is right now. Present, yet off. Pleasant, yet a bit apprehensive of the method of death, not death itself. I am not resigned or indifferent. I am detached.

Saturday, Joe said, "[my name] is no more." He may be right.

I can feel that I am in a very exciting stage of the work and a very dangerous one. I am at that point that my HGA and my mentor warned me about when they told me to lay off the goetia for a while. I don't know why they said that. Except that I am in exactly that point that they were concerned about.

My universe appears to be changing. I am changing. I have fear. I have gleeful anticipation. Yet, even with resolute purpose, I feel lost. My HGA is telling me all is good. I am exactly where I need to be, right now. My emotions do not have the faith in my HGA that my intellect has or is that backwards? Hard to tell.

My HGA told me to make a list of all the things that interested me. He told me to focus on just those right now. There is a list of magick stuff and baseball. Baseball, will be a good thing.


Lavanah said...

Being God riden is an honor, but it isn't easy. At least, with Pan there is the possibility of fun, too.

Theo Huffman said...

Yesterday I went to a travelling Gustave Moreau exhibition at the Museum of Fine Arts here in Budapest. The show was well designed, exhibiting all the many, many studies he would create in dozens of media before finally executing the final work. The man would obsess over a mythical theme for years before he finished the crowning piece of a "cycle".

I had to think of you when I came across a study in pen and ink of "The Great God Pan", who is a figure featured in the painting Jupiter and Semele. You can see the painting at . Click on the image to see a larger image. Pan is depicted with black wings. I searched the 'net for an image in which you can really see him, but this is the best I could find.

The pen and ink is gorgeous, and one can feel the god's odd, dynamic combination of feralness and divinity in it. I tried to wait around until the security guard wandered to another room so I could whip out my phone and take a picture for you, but he kept hovering.

At any rate, I just thought I'd tell you that a bit of your Pan consciousness manifested in Budapest yesterday, and I thought of you.

Frater BH said...

Thank you for thinking of me and sharing the art. I have that one book marked. I was expecting a black and white picture for some reason.

Lavanah, It may be an honor but being out of control is frowned upon in my tradition. There has to be some 'piece of you' left. A look into past rites of Dionysus were the priest ends up killing someone in a frenzy is clue enough as to why.

Theo Huffman said...

I found you a slightly better image.