When I was a young person, I smoked a bit of pot. The manner of my thinking changed. Sober I went inward because I was very shy. High, I went inward to discover and to think. Years later, having given up pot, I heard the song Sweat Leaf by Black Sabbath. It contained this line,
You introduced me to my mind
I suppose in an odd way it did. This period by myself, my job under threat, more pain killers than I'd ever want to take, introduced me to something else. Gratitude. I stopped and looked around. I have a teacher. I have many mentors. I've convenient 'enemies'. I have a magickal organzation. I have books. I have my own temple space. I have a home I can share with someone that would be in a world of hurt had I not offered a spare bedroom gratis. Besides the material things, for which I am much grateful, it seems the universe has conspired to bring Light into my life. How many people have a mentor of the quality that I do? How many people get to sit and chat with the likes of DuQuette, Greer and Webster? How many people get to meet people that push them along the path like My Gal, RO and Jason Miller? How many men get hammered by Pan and have a gal that says, "Okay, how do we handle that?"
The universe has done everything it could to bring Light or enlightenment or spirituality into my life. I will give myself credit in that I sought it and worked hard. But I worked just as hard at fighting that force I sought. Humans are wierd. The Universe, friends and mentors have been quite patient. I am a lucky man.
Last night, I followed the advice of my HGA and stayed up late. I followed his instructions to focus on my feet. To see my shoes. Then the sock. Then the foot itself. I slowly worked my way up my body and I could feel my body tingle in response to my focus. He once told me to listen to my body. I did and ate better. Now he is teaching me something similar. As I worked my way up, nothing remarkable happened, until I hit the currently painful area of my back. I saw something that I shall not describe on my spine. I looked at the opposite side and saw its mate. I would not be correct to say that these two objects, along with my spine, formed a cross. Yet, it wouldn't be incorrect either. I can not recall which of the next two events happened first. I felt gratitude. I turned the objects so they became vertical with my spine. I meditated on them. The structure sputtered like an old neglected engine and emitted balls of solid exhaust.
I flipped the structure around and the same scenario continued but it didn't feel right. I flipped it back so the exhaust vent was pointed down.
Last night, I dreamed that my phone rang. The sound was physical enough to wake me a bit but not enough to make me move. I realized it was a dream sound. I looked through my eyelides and found figures circling above my bed. Hooded humans in black, arms within the huge sleaves of their robes, hands clasped as in concentrated prayer. They didn't feel friendly. I felt fear. Then, I said no. I felt gratitude. The figures vanished in wisps of black.
Today, I still feel gratitude. I like me.
Politically Correct Disclaimer: I do not advocate the use of drugs for recreational or spiritual purposes. I merely accept that some folks do use them for both. I also am aware that my youthful foolisness had a positive side.