Pan is uncivilized. Modern Americans are over-civilized, homogenized. Is Pan is chasing me in an attempt force me to transform into a natural force? Pan scares me. He is not a far away concept. He is right here.
In speaking to WitchDoctorJoe, I was reminded of my own watch word, balance. Thanks, Joe. Find a goddess to balance out this bad boy. From where, the phone book? Goddess have always been a part of my work but they are etheral like Maat or celestial like a Nuit or a starry Isis. These goddesses are great, wonderful and appeal to my emotional perception of spirituality. Yet they are not the proper counter balance for a very terrestial, very present god.
In the shower tonight, I asked Pan what goddess I should use to counter balance him. I realize that this is like asking hardened criminal how to prevent thefts. He may give you the right advice but how do you know? "She has revealed herself to you constantly."
Me: The goddess of Wicca?
Pan: [Laughter] No.
Pan: [Laughter] No. She's revealed herself over and over.
Me: My Gal?
Pan: [Much Laughter] No. [He then used some phrase meaning, you're getting COLD.]
So what do I do? I hop out of the shower and thought of Joe's wife. I don't know if her name has ever been mentioned on-line so I will call her !!0, for no particular reason. I know that !!o came from Christianity, the home of masculinity, to Wicca. That must have been a dramatic as my perspective change now. How did she cope? How did she allow the change to take place? Exactly how could I explain what is going on in my head to her and phrase a question that made sense?
My problem is that I don't know her as well as I know Joe. In our relationship, Joe and My Gal do most of the speaking. !!0 speaks frequently but not as much on magick and religion as the rest of us. My mind works by asking questions but I simply don't know where to start asking her about her processes. I have little to play against. She keeps her beliefs to herself, which is not a bad thing. So, trying to figure out how to approach her was quite the exercise for my limited brain.
However, that exercise bore fruit. The question she asked my imaginiation was something to the effect of, "Why not just pray to THE Goddess?" Excellent. I can pray to the Goddess in general and let Her manifest as She will. This Pan liked. Then he said, "Selene".
Doh! "She reveals herself to you constantly." Selene. The Moon. Doh. Selene first made an appearance when Pan did. I started screaming her name when Pan appeared. When did so, I spontaneously opened my eyes to find a woman standing over me in a dress. The front of her dress fell across my chest. The back to the floor behind my head. I had a great view of 'the moon'.
Selene. Her lore in connection with Pan is that she was only interested in her own reflection. So, Pan covered himself with white sheep skin and she thought it was her reflection. She was quite mad to find herself coupling with the beast Pan.
So let me get this straight. My high falutin' spiritual practices have landed me with a god who cares little about the disasterous affects of his attentions and a goddess so selfish she only loves her own reflection? Would becoming more like her, make me her reflection? Who knows? She has almost no lore to rely on.
I shall not call her by name but maybe work with a generic goddess figure as !!0 suggested in my imagination. Maybe this will lead to something.