Frater LVF

Sure, I'd be happy to work together on the Stavish meditations. In the header to this blog, you'll find my email address. Remove the r's as directed and we can exchange emails on the topic, if you like.

Just a Mundane (Mostly) Note

We are still painting. So, that is taking up the majority of my time. There have been a few milestones to the day.

1. I drove to Target, which means I wasn't on meds!

2. I didn't get one of those electric carts! Though, I have to admit they can be fun when you're medicated.

3. I have received news that my job is getting more secure.

I have read more of the Stavish book. I have stopped at the first exercise. I will do said exercises and report. I want to do a daily practice but until the house is done, that isn't likely. I will do what I can. All future posts on the Stavish exercises or results will be tagged with the name, Stavish.

Midnight Realization

I woke up a few minutes ago and realized a missing bit of info. I posted here about my forming practice. I wrote that I would embark upon a regular practice that included the Stavish meditations and evocations. I knew I was missing something. That something is intellectual study. I need to put in more effort in expanding my factual information. Should I be accepted into Cherry Hill's Masters Program, I am sure that will fulfill part of my Self-imposed requirement. Yet, there will be more. There is Work to be done. 

I am amazed that I can be forming this and still feel that I am stuck. As Sam Webster once told me, "People are wierd."

Stuck Part II

The thought just occurred to me that I'm experiencing a wild swing. Not too long ago, I posted about gratitude. I felt (and feel) overwhelmingly blessed by having the people in my life that I do. And from that, I am despondant over a lack of progress.  Could it just be the medication? Could it just be three or four weeks of constant pain? I thought I was mentally stronger than that but maybe not. 

Side note: I just noticed that April 7 will mark the one year mark for this blog. I still dont' know if this space is an act of narcissism or service but so far, it seems to have done no harm. I shall continue.

Stuck

I am feeling stuck.

I am feeling stuck with the group I currently work with. I am not making progress. I am not sure why. Part of me is caring less and less.

I am feeling stuck with past issues. I am seriously a lot better than I was with the obsessions created during and after my time with my first group. However, I am not past them and I have not learned the essential lesson from that period, if there is one other than 'bad shit happens' and 'bad shit repeats'. 

The only thing I've been excited about of late, is the question from Anonymous as it reminded me that there are seekers out there. I should know that. I talk to them every day. Many read this space and yet, somehow her note excited me. 

The other thing is I am rereading Between the Gates by Mark Stavish.  It was with this book that I started this blog a year ago. I had some success with lucid dreaming and astral projection as a result of doing the work outlined in that material and then I just stopped. I am going back to that. I know that doing the work in that book is going to part of my core practices. I may as well get to it.  For those of you relatively newer readers that want to see that material, go back to my first posts. They were made before I learned how to label things. Sorry. 

This time. I am going to ask the readers of this space to be my coaches. 

I may be feeling stuck because I've been in incredible pain of late. That means I've been on a lot of medication. Hence the reason why you see so little magick being done. I haven't been depressed about that but I know the meds and pain can altar my point of view. Frankly, I had been doing so well. I am pissed off that I am going through this again.

To Anonymous, the Culture of Gods

I really have more of a question really. I am new to pagan exploration so I apologize for my ignorance in advance. I have a few gods and goddesses that I feel personify and embody energies pertinant to certain areas of my life except one, my sexuality specifically. I am a lesbian and I can not "connect" with any god-energies on this level. Oddly enough, Pan is what keeps moving to the front and center of my spiritual vision. For a while, I could not figure out why...and then something came to me. I will explain it in short. I may be breaking all kinds of traditions in suggesting this but I would like to get some feedback on this if you have time. Ok, according to mythology, Pan is dead. However, I personally do not believe that energy can be destroyed and therefore Pan must still exist somehow. I am a devotee of Cybele and in mythology she has restored other gods in various forms. What if Pan was restored by Cybele with the condition that he take a female form (as was customary for men to do in devotion to Cybele) but remaining the same god energy within, therefore rendering a Lesbian Goddess (a kind of butchy one ;) ). Does magick allow for continual reincarnation for the sake of change in time, culture and social context?

There is no need to apologize for ignorance, unless it is willful. We all start somewhere and you’re starting from an excellent place. The ability to ask thoughtful questions puts you well ahead of the game regardless of your field of endeavor.

First, the preliminaries: My first advice is not to convince yourself that you can not do anything. You can connect with male gods sexually, you just haven’t found the key. Then again, how do I know? I’ve never been a lesbian.

Secondly, if you read a little more about the Pan is dead myth, you’ll find that there is some historical doubt to that story. The god referred to may have been Tammuz, not Pan. Having had recent experience with Pan like no other god/dess I’ve experienced, I can assure you that Pan is not dead.

Thirdly, I will leave the relationships between the gods as you experience them and their interrelationships between you and them and not comment on what Cybele may or may not have done.

Finally, the good part, you write, “Does magick allow for continual reincarnation for the sake of change in time, culture and social context?” My answer is an unequivocal yes. The old joke about Golden Dawn Lodges is that a lodge is a group of people that all agree to the same Hebrew mispronunciation. Speaking more on the Golden Dawn, our founders did their best to cobble together the Egyptian god forms and got some of it wrong. That did not prevent the system from working at all. It may contribute to its own peculiar spin within the Golden Dawn framework but that is fine by me. In short, the powers that be adapted to the context into which they were placed.

Gods are not unintelligent barbarians. The may be massive forces but the anthropomorphized faces we get are intelligent and can adapt. One criticism against god form work is that of language. How can a being from ancient Arcadia(Pan) speak English? The answer is he doesn’t. He sends us ideas or impulses and we translate them into words convenient to our understanding. Hence, no matter what is being contacted it is being ‘reincarnated’ or changed to the time, culture and context of the magician.

This impulse to language conversion is why true introspective work is necessary to those that live a magickal life. Those that have not completed the work may be sent an impulse, “You should try mirror magick to contact me,” and translate that into “Hecate said I am the best reflection of her ever!” Personal alchemical work can get the ego out of the way and allow us to hear a more accurate message. “Hecate said I am great at mirror magick and should use that to contact her.” Eventually, with enough work, the same message would translate to “use a mirror to contact Hecate.” The next step is actual contact. But, if we didn’t have contact before, how did we get here? It was Hecate the whole time; the receiver changed enough to allow better communication.

At each of these stages the essential essence of Hecate is being transmitted to the receiver who filters that through herself and thus reinvents the god form within the receiver’s own personal and cultural context. The question is, is that reinvention accurate to who that god really is?

Some would argue that when the symbolism one receives is out of context with the mythology you are not contacting that god. Hogwash. However, it may mean there is a translation error, see above. Then again, this too could be a cultural thing that a god is able to discard. Is an Egyptian sistrum all that different from a tambourine? Or try this example. If Mercury referred to an aircraft, wouldn’t it be insulting to the god to assume that the receiver had not contacted Mercury because the god can not understand the concept of aircraft? After all, airplanes are not mentioned in Greek myth. However, they are part of what is normally associated with Mercury, commerce, travel and as anyone that has been disappointed at the disparity between the advertised departure time and actual take-off can attest, trickery.

However, I do not believe gods venture too far off from their established selves. During my recent experience with Pan, he encouraged some things directly appropriate to his mythology that could cause massive social problems in the modern day United States. A lesser experienced magician may have been overwhelmed and trotted down the path the god wanted or that my ego translated. Instead, I had many long patient conversations with My Gal and Pan. I tend to believe that communication was genuine even though it appealed to my lower nature. That is, after all, where Pan does his best work. He’s a fertility god! As a magician, the choice is now mine. A mindless magician without will is simply a horse. The gods love horses. I have no desire to be such. It is hard to stand up and look a god in the eye. Those that can do so are magicians. Those that can not are not.

Lastly, Pan has no objection to homosexual sex. His myths are full of it. He is not a cultured god with lots of social rules to follow. Pan would love to stir up sex in almost any form. Being ‘riden’ is one thing being a horse is quite another.

I hope this helped. I would also encourage you to read Jason Miller’s blog on a regular basis. The items he discusses may be valuable to you. I’d also encourage you to read, The Cult of Pan in Ancient Greece by Philippe Borgeaud. Hold onto your wallet, my copy set me back over $100 recently but that book is worth every penny. However, before you do that, read this short diatribe on the value of ignorance. You may want to experience some things while still in a state of ‘unknowing’ regarding your particular god or you may not.

Best of Luck,

Fr. POS(aka Frater Bone Head)

Response to Anonymous

You have asked the single most thoughtful question anyone has posted on my blog. I offer my profuse thanks for asking it. It may be a day or two (maybe three) before I respond. Your question deserves more the just an off the top my head response. Please continue to watch this space for a few days and I will get to it. 

I am a bit busy at the moment as the house painting and flooring saga continues.

Thank you much for reading and, more importantly, taking the time to thoughtfully pursue your magickal path.

To the long time experienced folks, read this space and be prepared to tell me how wrong I am. This person deserves a bit of debate on the topic. My answer should not be the only one. WitchDoctorJoe, Jason, RO, IDP, and My Gal this means you (and any other I failed to mention).

Responses to Some Comments

Gordon: Are you really sure that you've been distracted? That this 'distraction' isn't really what you wanted to do the things you wanted, like the stavish meditations?

Yes. I've been destracted. I didn't distinguish between good distracted and bad distracted. Truth be told, many times I don't feel like I'm a 'real magician' because I can not astral project. I can do a lot of magick but I can't do that with any regularity. Which means, I am simply seeing through the looking glass darkly. I must learn to do this someday. So, diversions are a distraction. That doesn't mean that my explorations haven't had their effects.

Regarding the font size. If no one else comments, I will change it back.

Lavannah, nice tip on the assistants. I have some of those cued for the Dionysus thing already. As far as the priest comment, no. I'm not a priest. I know people that have gone through the intiations and done the necessary work to earn that title. I have not.

Pleasantly Surprised and a RANT!

Next week I have an hour long phone interview with Cherry Hill Seminary. It is part of their admission process to the Master's program. Since it is mostly an on-line school, I expected some pro forma forms and a bill. However, I really did need three letters of reference. My thanks to those that took the time to do that even though only one may ever read this. Now, I have an interview with three people. I can't imagine they go to all that trouble just to rubber stamp someone in. 

So, whether I get in or not is not the issue. The fact that they have standards is very good. They are trying to create a well-trained pagan clergy. If they have standards to get in, they have standards of instruction. This is a good sign for pagans everywhere.

I should have stopped typing there. Somehow, somewhere, this turned into a rant. 

If I get in, this will be a lot of work. Frankly, I know one reason I am doing this, WitchDoctorJoe. He recommends the school and I have a lot of respect for what he does. Yet, I have no desire to do it! But more importantly, I kept feeling drawn to it. There is something there. 

When I signed up, I wanted to specialize in pastoral counseling. Those that do the work hit many road blocks and suffer some emotional trauma. I wanted to have some skills in helping people deal with that.  

I also wasn't signing up to be a priest. I signed up for an education. A priesthood is a calling. I have always wanted the title but but frankly, never felt drawn to a god/dess enough to do that. I don't wear titles I haven't earned. Pan may change that. We will see.

Now that this Dionysus thing is being written for Fresno's PPD, I am wondering if the specialty of rites of passage would be better. I've never done public ritual before but I really like what this is working out to be.

So many public rituals are the same ol' eccletic Wiccan stuff. There is nothing wrong with that. Though, many people aren't called to that. They attend but it is like church, flat and unappealing. My PPD ritual will not be same ol' Wiccan stuff. Maybe it will inspire someone to look beyond the pagan basics. Maybe not.

I do find some things wrong with public ritual in general. (Perhaps this is where the rant starts.)

One is that many people participating think they are going to church. They don't understand that when you call the gods, they have a tendency to show up! What happens when someone that has only been to church and felt not even the slightest inspiration feels the touch of Pan, Dionysus or Bridgid? In most cases, the first verbalized reaction is something like, "Maybe I'm crazy." The priest/priestess has a responsibility here. Yet so many don't offer their time after the ritual. They want to lead the show but not do the necessary follow-up work. 

Often, someone tries to do magick and the people in the ritual don't really believe magick works. I've seen people freak out at that realization. These so called priests and priestesses have no idea what to do. When I do a ritual, I will assume the participants haven't been exposed to magick and will give them a little warning of what may happen and make damn sure they have my card in case there are after effects. Running a ritual means the officiant has responsibility. 

Another mistake I've seen is the tendancy to pander to the pagan tendancy to be inclusive. Volunteers are sought to call the quarters or other such nonsense. Group ritual can work like that but the participants must have balanced skills or the orchastrator must have the ability to smooth things out.  If a pentagram is drawn at my rituals, I will do it or I will know the skill level of those I choose to participate. I'd rather have a safe circle then a wobbly one where everyone feels that they've been 'included'. I want folks to have a safe enjoyable rite. If they are in the circle, they are included!

Yet another error is the need to display power. BAH! These folks should be shot. There is nothing wrong with a quiet little devotional. There is no need to impress the few true sensitives. If a quiet devotional is called for just do that. You don't need to create talismans expressing the joy of Goddess X people can take with them. If you do the ritual right, the can take goddess back into their lives by carrying Her in their hearts.

Frankly, some of the circles I've seen done publicly give ritual a bad name. They are run by folks that I can charitably say have issues. If I was exposed to this from the beginning, I'd say the entire process is nuts! Or worse, makes you go nuts.

I have seen some well done ritual design at public rites. Reclaiming did a great one for Halloween in San Francisco about 5 years ago. Fresno's Lady Tambra use some existing teepees on the museum grounds and designed something very nice. I was impressed. Especially when she told me she made up that morning when she saw the teepees.  I didn't find the circle to be clean but she didn't cast it! She should have. She had the skills. The participants did not.

It is about here the rant just um...petered out. Insert a nice well thought out conclusion here. I am just too tired. 

Pointless Questions

I have reached a point in were questions are useless. I view myself as a perpetual student. I seek out people that know more than I do. But the answers I seek, can not come from others at this time. The Universe has let me know in subtle and not so subtle ways. Here are the types of incidents I am referring to:

1) I have a mentor but the last time I saw him, he barely looked at me. I took no offense. I am simply not on his radar at the moment. The good news is that I'm doing fine. The bad news is I miss my sounding board, even if I need it less and less.
2) I have used a ploy for years. I'd ask questions I already knew the answer to. In the answers supplied, I'd gain something from another person's perspective. This worked out great. Now, such questions are left unanswered.
3) I've asked questions in an effort to find my way from where I am now and get no reply or very terse replies. Sometimes, I get down right angry replies. This from folks that I rarely see angry.

The universe is telling me to stop looking for things externally. I am listening. I will have to make my way on my own. My plan is only half formed. I will undertake a regular schedule of work. It is my hope to develop a discipline focussed on a narrow set of parameters. I will do the following:

1) I will restart the Stavish meditations that started this blog. I was doing well with them but became distracted. I will begin again and perservere.
2) I will start a regular program of evocation. I will start with the elementals and work my way through the planets, using both angels of the qabala and Greek gods. When I'm done, I will simply start over.

The rest I'm not sure about. I think I likely need to undertake some devotional work. Maybe set up altars to gods or elements or something and just be grateful daily. Maybe, I need to take the tech I have and make it more me. Maybe, I need to focus on and improve my HGA evocation technique that I don't blog about. I am missing something and I know it. I simply do not know what.

Mundane Stuff:

I work near the welfare office. Every day I walk by and see so-called parents treating their kids poorly. There is lots of yelling and rough treatment. I feel sorry for the kids, not for their financial poverty but their parental poverty.

Today, I saw three men each taking loving care of their boys. The different races represented one emotion, love. Those kids are not poor.

Blog Stuff:

I am going to start using a larger font. Let me know if this is good or bad.

My Future is so Bright, I Have to Wear Shades

My house is now green and yellow. I have a family room that adjoins a kitchen. Two walls of the family room are deep green, there is some yellow trim. Combine that with the red brick fire place and it looks damn good. The rest of the walls are yellow. I liked it right up until we hit critical mass. Damn, it is bright. 

Well, some decorative touches are going to be needed to break that up a bit. 

The other day, Pan explained to me that he hates mirrors because that is where our insecurities come from. I simply can't argue with that. That idea has lead me to thinking about the work I do. I have often said that to do this work you have to look deep into the mirror. It reveals things that do not serve you well. True enough.

However, how much is enough? If I am slugging people in the face, I should be insecure about the fact that my fellow humans shy away from me. I shouldn't be the slightest bit insecure about the color of my walls, unless a few friends go snow blind.  Somewhere in there is a point where you have to say 'screw it'. I have done the Work and I'm done with trying to perfect every little thing. Focusing on that too much can cause you to miss the divinity within.

On the other hand, I've seen a lot of people do this work and not give a damn about looking into any mirrors at all. I think it still works there is just a lot more destructive fall out for others. 

I am glad I did it my way. However, it may be time to revise my approach.

Life Stuff

This weekend my living room/kitchen area was painted. I helped a little but most of the credit goes to My Gal and her mother. The motif is a deep sage green and palish yellow. Natural color bamboo floors will follow soon. Frankly, it sounds horrible but it looks good to our eyes. Previously, the walls were Egyptian Desert Sand, as I called it, or goose turd brown, if you hold to My Gal’s naming conventions.

My first house was much more of a looker. It was of recent vintage and at the end of a cul-de-sac, very nice. While being grateful that I own a home, I have never been particularly proud of this one. It is a 1978 tract home. Aside from nice square footage, about 1,800 feet, it isn’t remarkable.

About a year after moving in, my mentor gave me a collage of my life in our magickal group. I told him then, it turned my house into a home. It was the first thing that was uniquely me that I acquired since my divorce. The new paint, tile and bamboo floors are going to turn this place from a so-so house to something I will really enjoy. I was hoping to have all that done by the time Jason arrived, as it was going to happen this spring anyway, but it is not meant to be. The timing is not a big deal. Things will come together when they come together.

Though, I am amazed at the difference cosmetics can make. I’m not a surface kind of guy. I am always amazed that people fall for what looks right as opposed to what is right. I’ve seen some really poor business decisions made because things had to look right to this person or that person while the underlying reality is ignored.

I want to know who you are, not what other people need to see in you.

Yet, there is a simple pleasure in pointless beauty. I am so going to enjoy this when it is done.

During the painting, I heard her mom talking about how much pain I was in. Frankly, I thought I was faking it pretty well until she said, “If I was in that much pain that often, I don’t think I’d want to live anymore. Life simply wouldn’t be worth living.”

I’m not sure how I feel about that. She wasn’t being mean at all, just making a statement. I’ve never felt my life wasn’t worth living. I am just very uncomfortable from time to time. My Gal and I take pretty good care of each other.

I have felt sorry for myself from time to time. When I’m in a lot of pain and some sixty year old guy is bouncing through Home Depot I think, “SHOW OFF!” But, even then, I’m joking to myself. I know folks have it a lot rougher than I do. I am grateful for what I have. My father is blind and missing a foot from diabetes. I’d rather deal with pain than blindness.

I did notice something odd this weekend. I went to Lowe’s and used one of the electric carts as I can’t stand on that concrete for long when my back is giving me problems. For some reason, I felt less smart. That makes no sense whatsoever. I’m not an insecure man. Did I project what I don’t know I think into the minds of others and have that reflected back? I don’t think so but I have no explanation for it.

Post Test

Blogger keeps giving me an error when I try to save something I am typing. So, I am seeing if it will post straight away. I don't want to craft a post and then lose it.

Birds

Last night, I dreamed many dreams. I think this was sparked by an interuption in my sleep. I awoke about 1:00 am and stayed awake until 1:45. I had dreams on both ends of that.

Part of my wakefulness had to do with my past. I've worked hard to overcome an obsession over a traumatic magickal group ejection. I've made huge progress, especially with the Pan showing up and the book I've been reading about the Cult of Pan in Ancient Greece.

However, there was a small trigger that occured the other day and resurfaced that just enough to say I'm not done. I as a went to bed and realized I was obsessing and not sleeping, I did an LBRP and spoke to each archangel and explained to them what they were going to do to help me sleep. With Raphael, I very explicitedly stated that he was going to kill those thoughts enough to let me sleep. If I need still more processing that is fine. I will not let that interfere with healthy rest. I could feel the influence from each but especially Auriel (earth).

During the dream, I had images of some friends and other former group mates attempting to help in some aspect of my life. Unfortunately, I can not remember how they were helping but it felt nice. However, I do remember a bird. I folded some sort of material over my head and created a bird head for myself. Then a smaller bird flew into my long beak. I kept thinking "what is this symbolic of?" "This means something." After a while, I opened my beak and out flew the bird.

Now I wonder was this the obsessive thoughts leaving? Or my need to voice something? I can't imagine the latter, I've said it all to no avail.

We are painting as I type. We means My Gal and her mom and I am helping on occassion and paying the bills. They are having a great time and I am getting paint on my walls.

Threat

I know someone that worships a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater. If she and her husband do not attend one of the Jason Miller events, I will name names!

The rest of you please excuse this ugly little incident.

Jason Miller in California!

I've managed to convince Jason Miller to come to California and present on a couple of topics. If you're in the Fresno or Visalia areas and would like to see Mr. Miller present on Protection and Reversal Magick (April 11) and/or Finance Magick (April 12), please contact me.

Prices vary between venues and number of talks selected.

I am very much looking forward to meeting him. I don't believe he's ever spoken in California before. Now that he is an expectant father, I doubt he will be back soon. Now is your chance!

Boring Success?

This is just my random thought of the day.

John Michael Greer once said the path to success isn't learning a lot of rituals, it is about learning a few and doing them very very well. In short, he was arguing for specialization.

While boring, I wonder what the effect would be of calling up each spirit on the tree, asking him, her and/or it, to purify that part of myself. When one gets to the top, start over over again.

I don't think I have the discipline to do this. It is just a thought.

It is All Greek to Me

Well, I now have a couple of approaches to dealing with the Pan issue.

1. He's Greek and in my face. I'm going to turn that around. Rather than let him lead the party, I'm going to put a ceremonial magick face on this, learn Regardie's Greek versions of the standard rituals and conjure Pan from there. This will give me more of an equal footing. This is proper for being a magician rather than being bowled over by something.
2. I have had the proper dreams. I'm qualified to work from Tipereth. The plantary aspects of the tree can be viewed form a psychological perspective. I am going to do that planetary work from a Greek viewpoint. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

In just one read, I love this Greek version of the middle pillar. Don't try to pronounce the Greek from its English spelling, you won't get close.

Keter -Ego Eimi "I am"

Daath - Sophia "Wisdom"

Tipereth - Gnosis "Knowledge"

Yesod - Zoe "Life"

Malkuth - Naos "Temple"

For those interested, I pulled Regardie's The Middle Pillar from my library and found it there.

Three Modes of Approach/Replies to Comments

Happy Sunday everyone.

My Gal and are exciting about a minor remodeling project. New paint and a new bamboo floor! We bought some sample sizes of paints today and are painting test patches on the wall. There is no going back now!

I have three areas of magickal work I am considering:

1. Conjuring all for elemental kings and then the angels of the seven planets
2. Pursuing the "Pan"/Goddess connection. though I have concerns with Pan, much less the Goddess
3. Working the Enochian water tablet

I don't think I need to do anything with item 2. If that continues to happen, that will manifest on its own. That which I am experiencing as Pan is loud and in my face. I will have no choice but to deal with him in some way, either acceptance, banishing or truce.

The other two are more my style. I will have to choose a path soon. I can feel it. I've been idle too long.

Responses to Comments Left

I love the comments and I read all of them. Sometimes I want to respond but I dont' have the time. Other times, I have nothing to add but I like receiving them.

THEO -- Thanks for the picture links! I sincerely appreciate the effort. First of all, it was very cool to have someone in a museum in Europe thinking of me in the backwaters of Fresno, California USA. That was a little harmless ego stroke for me. I really appreciate the picture links too. At first, I could not land the page on that second site but I see what you mean. That is the side of Pan that scares me. I don't know a lot of others that have dealt with Pan. I have no idea if my experiences, including those I'm not posting about, are typical or not.

Gordon -- I tend to be nice to my readers and comment posters. However, sometimes I have to vehemently disagree. Conjuring a spirit and ingoring its lore is downright foolish and not to mention dangerous. Yes, magick can be worked under a social construct but there is a social saftey aspect to the concept of one's reputation. If three friends tell me a person is a thief, I'm going to get to know him pretty well before he enters my home invited. Same here. With lore like that i am going to learn about this spirit as much as possible before extending and invite.

There is a saying in magick, don't conjure anything you can't banish. I have Pan on me right now and I'd have a heck of problem banishing him should I choose to. I am not about to invite big loud spirit number 2 into the mix. There are old sane magicians and young sane magicians but no magician stays sane by being overly bold. The work is subtle. The bulldozer approach should be avoided.

Goddess

Pan has been manifesting like heat on Georgia asphalt. He has gone away from time to time and that gives my mind a break but he is never far from my thoughts. Pan is not a kind little god that devotional covens worship from far away. His lore is quite clear. He is anti-marriage, anti-chastity, is omnisexual and is not above acts of rape. Pan chases his interested until they tranform into natural things or forces (i.e. trees, reeds, winds) He causes irrational fear 'panic'. He is a rough and tumble god of nature. One of his names is "He that mounts goats."

Pan is uncivilized. Modern Americans are over-civilized, homogenized. Is Pan is chasing me in an attempt force me to transform into a natural force? Pan scares me. He is not a far away concept. He is right here.

In speaking to WitchDoctorJoe, I was reminded of my own watch word, balance. Thanks, Joe. Find a goddess to balance out this bad boy. From where, the phone book? Goddess have always been a part of my work but they are etheral like Maat or celestial like a Nuit or a starry Isis. These goddesses are great, wonderful and appeal to my emotional perception of spirituality. Yet they are not the proper counter balance for a very terrestial, very present god.

In the shower tonight, I asked Pan what goddess I should use to counter balance him. I realize that this is like asking hardened criminal how to prevent thefts. He may give you the right advice but how do you know? "She has revealed herself to you constantly."

Me: The goddess of Wicca?

Pan: [Laughter] No.

Me: Aphrodite?

Pan: [Laughter] No. She's revealed herself over and over.

Me: My Gal?

Pan: No.

Me: Isis?

Pan: [Much Laughter] No. [He then used some phrase meaning, you're getting COLD.]

So what do I do? I hop out of the shower and thought of Joe's wife. I don't know if her name has ever been mentioned on-line so I will call her !!0, for no particular reason. I know that !!o came from Christianity, the home of masculinity, to Wicca. That must have been a dramatic as my perspective change now. How did she cope? How did she allow the change to take place? Exactly how could I explain what is going on in my head to her and phrase a question that made sense?

My problem is that I don't know her as well as I know Joe. In our relationship, Joe and My Gal do most of the speaking. !!0 speaks frequently but not as much on magick and religion as the rest of us. My mind works by asking questions but I simply don't know where to start asking her about her processes. I have little to play against. She keeps her beliefs to herself, which is not a bad thing. So, trying to figure out how to approach her was quite the exercise for my limited brain.

However, that exercise bore fruit. The question she asked my imaginiation was something to the effect of, "Why not just pray to THE Goddess?" Excellent. I can pray to the Goddess in general and let Her manifest as She will. This Pan liked. Then he said, "Selene".

Doh! "She reveals herself to you constantly." Selene. The Moon. Doh. Selene first made an appearance when Pan did. I started screaming her name when Pan appeared. When did so, I spontaneously opened my eyes to find a woman standing over me in a dress. The front of her dress fell across my chest. The back to the floor behind my head. I had a great view of 'the moon'.

Selene. Her lore in connection with Pan is that she was only interested in her own reflection. So, Pan covered himself with white sheep skin and she thought it was her reflection. She was quite mad to find herself coupling with the beast Pan.

So let me get this straight. My high falutin' spiritual practices have landed me with a god who cares little about the disasterous affects of his attentions and a goddess so selfish she only loves her own reflection? Would becoming more like her, make me her reflection? Who knows? She has almost no lore to rely on.

I shall not call her by name but maybe work with a generic goddess figure as !!0 suggested in my imagination. Maybe this will lead to something.

A Dream, Something Public

Not much to say tonight.

I do remember some dreams from last night. They involved seeing some real life friends that are magickal associates. We were all in a room. I remember seeing K and politely offering him my chair which he just as politely declined. I can't say I was lucid but, like all my dreams, it felt more real than they used to.

I am contemplating the Magickal Minute and negotiating with folks to do my first paid classes. I think I was inspired to do that because of Joe, RO and one of the shorter folks in my magickal circle.

Last night, I was really irritated about something but posting about it not right for the situation. I record it here just as a marker.

Ahmlicu

I am tired. My body has too many medications in it. I feel them like the poison they are. Emotionally, I want to do magick. I just don't have it in me right now.

I popped into the temple room and asked the Enochian Angel of Mercury of Air for some help with my back. Having worked with him before, no ritual was necessary. S/he readily appeared and showed me a black earth beneath a symbol of Mercury. I suppose to confirm who s/he was. The answer was that it was not the right entity and to try Mercury of Air. So, I asked him about another matter. He said he'd help but I'd have to conjure him under the other king of tablet. He said it was mostly a procedural matter. Govermental angels! Wonderful. I asked if he'd be best for the duty I'd request. He said no but he'd be able to help it along. The best would be an entirely different class of Enochian spirit. He warned I was not ready for those, especially the airy versions.

Gratitude

When I was a young person, I smoked a bit of pot. The manner of my thinking changed. Sober I went inward because I was very shy. High, I went inward to discover and to think. Years later, having given up pot, I heard the song Sweat Leaf by Black Sabbath. It contained this line,

You introduced me to my mind

I suppose in an odd way it did. This period by myself, my job under threat, more pain killers than I'd ever want to take, introduced me to something else. Gratitude. I stopped and looked around. I have a teacher. I have many mentors. I've convenient 'enemies'. I have a magickal organzation. I have books. I have my own temple space. I have a home I can share with someone that would be in a world of hurt had I not offered a spare bedroom gratis. Besides the material things, for which I am much grateful, it seems the universe has conspired to bring Light into my life. How many people have a mentor of the quality that I do? How many people get to sit and chat with the likes of DuQuette, Greer and Webster? How many people get to meet people that push them along the path like My Gal, RO and Jason Miller? How many men get hammered by Pan and have a gal that says, "Okay, how do we handle that?"

The universe has done everything it could to bring Light or enlightenment or spirituality into my life. I will give myself credit in that I sought it and worked hard. But I worked just as hard at fighting that force I sought. Humans are wierd. The Universe, friends and mentors have been quite patient. I am a lucky man.

Last night, I followed the advice of my HGA and stayed up late. I followed his instructions to focus on my feet. To see my shoes. Then the sock. Then the foot itself. I slowly worked my way up my body and I could feel my body tingle in response to my focus. He once told me to listen to my body. I did and ate better. Now he is teaching me something similar. As I worked my way up, nothing remarkable happened, until I hit the currently painful area of my back. I saw something that I shall not describe on my spine. I looked at the opposite side and saw its mate. I would not be correct to say that these two objects, along with my spine, formed a cross. Yet, it wouldn't be incorrect either. I can not recall which of the next two events happened first. I felt gratitude. I turned the objects so they became vertical with my spine. I meditated on them. The structure sputtered like an old neglected engine and emitted balls of solid exhaust.

I flipped the structure around and the same scenario continued but it didn't feel right. I flipped it back so the exhaust vent was pointed down.

Last night, I dreamed that my phone rang. The sound was physical enough to wake me a bit but not enough to make me move. I realized it was a dream sound. I looked through my eyelides and found figures circling above my bed. Hooded humans in black, arms within the huge sleaves of their robes, hands clasped as in concentrated prayer. They didn't feel friendly. I felt fear. Then, I said no. I felt gratitude. The figures vanished in wisps of black.

Today, I still feel gratitude. I like me.

Politically Correct Disclaimer: I do not advocate the use of drugs for recreational or spiritual purposes. I merely accept that some folks do use them for both. I also am aware that my youthful foolisness had a positive side.

Weird State

No, I'm not talking about California.

I am in a weird state of mind or soul.

I am a ceremonial magician. I am also a rigid bastard. Rigidity has served me well on my trek. It has (mostly) kept me out of trouble. From stage left, enter Pan.

Um. Yeah. I don't believe in fear. I feel it from time to time. And, unless you're pointing a gun at me, I run over it. Most of the time. When I can't do that, I ignore it. Being told that I blacked out twice, once while completely sober is well, sobering. It is against the rules I live by. Accidental or not, it is a serious problem. I do not get 'passive'. Ever. The gods love horses. They will run them into the ground, especially Pan. I wish I didn't like him. Then, I could boot him to the side. He'd kill me if he wanted and then we could start a new life. That isn't going to happen.

The above concept of being passive applies to my path, not someone else's. Those of the voodoo path are quite okay with it. Yet, I am not into the voodoo that you do and do so well. I'm sure there are other paths that are okay with passivity. It does not fit into how I was taught. Then again, I am becoming my own now. Maybe it is okay, now. And what do I care who it is okay with? I don't. I do care if I'm sliding off the path.

I have noticed something in my dreams that I've alluded to hear once or twice but didn't really have the words to describe them. I've mentioned the colors have changed. I couldn't' define how. All my life my dreams have been in darkness. There is light coming from (or reflected from) that which I encounter but all the action, even in 'daytime', looks and feels like night. There is darkness, lots of darkness. Now, there is ambient light. The structures and beings I encounter are more solid. Did I mention that there is ambient light? Does that mean I'm at a higher level of Yesod during my 'average' dreams? Don't know but I like this better. I feel more alive in my dreams. The feel more communicative even when I don't remember. My old dreams were just my subconscious playing out hopes, fears, dreams or whatever. Now, that subconscious part of me is directed, purposeful, communicating.

My back is a mess. That is making work a mess. A huge mess. A big mess. I can't post about that here.

I feel very much in transition. Frankly, pretty much like I'm dying. The kicker is, I don't care. I'm a bit anxious but in a really healthy state of mind. I've never been more secure in me. I'd like a few more friendships outside my 'play group', I'd like a bit more of a financial cushion but aside from that I am good. I am only insecure about one thing, which, would be inappropriate to post about. Life may all explode over the place in the next several months anyway. Odd. Yes, I know this a rambling post that will not win any composition awards. Yet, this is how my mind is right now. Present, yet off. Pleasant, yet a bit apprehensive of the method of death, not death itself. I am not resigned or indifferent. I am detached.

Saturday, Joe said, "[my name] is no more." He may be right.

I can feel that I am in a very exciting stage of the work and a very dangerous one. I am at that point that my HGA and my mentor warned me about when they told me to lay off the goetia for a while. I don't know why they said that. Except that I am in exactly that point that they were concerned about.

My universe appears to be changing. I am changing. I have fear. I have gleeful anticipation. Yet, even with resolute purpose, I feel lost. My HGA is telling me all is good. I am exactly where I need to be, right now. My emotions do not have the faith in my HGA that my intellect has or is that backwards? Hard to tell.

My HGA told me to make a list of all the things that interested me. He told me to focus on just those right now. There is a list of magick stuff and baseball. Baseball, will be a good thing.

Saturday of Music and Ritual

Saturday, I dropped by my friend Lew's home. He was kind enough to share his huge music collection with me. I must have sampled fifty cds. I hopped through them findng sounds I like. Some, I simply rejected after 15 seconds. I am hoping to find some ritual music for Pan and Dionysus rites. More on Pan in a bit. Thanks to Lew and his lovely wife for their hospitality. I am hoping I can drive down in another month for round two. Maybe I can buy them a pizza for dinner.


Speaking of music, I found some interesting sites some of you may be interested in. The first is LastFM. Here you play something from the band you like and then play 'their' radio station. You are then treated to similar bands. What a great way to discover new music. The service is free. The second is called Pandora. This is similar except they have what they call the "Music Genome Project". They classify the music by all sorts of things and then link what you're playing to similar music. This is also free. If you're a music fan or want to be, check these out.


Next, we drove over to WitchDoctorJoe's for their rite. I'm not Wiccan. However, if he and his lovely wife were Christians, I'd likely still go. What they do is flat out awesome. I've never seen two people work so hard to show their kids how much they love them, even when they are angry. They are teaching their kids to live a magickal life at such a young age. How lucky they are! I'm always impressed and feel priviledged to be there.


I was speaking to Joe about the research and design of a Dionysus rite for Fresno's Pagan Pride Day next October. Officially, it won't be PPD but they don't have a new name yet. He said he's noted some serious changes. First, he was shocked that I, of all people, would be doing a pubic ritual. As a rule, I shun them. As a rule, I find the energy icky. Yet, here I am. Secondly, after I pointed out his dogs were crawling all over me, something they haven't done in the past, he said it isn't just the dogs. I feel different. Something is changed. Then he hit me with a bomb shell. He said, I grabbed him with both hands by the shirt, pulled him close and said, "If Pan wants something, you'll never sleep until he gets it." Then I smoothed out the wrinkles in his shirt. He said I was very intense. I do remember him coming to my room to drop something off. I do not remember that at all. My Gal pointed out that at the Morrison ritual, I kissed quite a few of the women. I only remember one. Before any one gets upset, I had permission. I was appropriatley drunk at said ritual but not black out drunk. I'd assume I was black out drunk except for three things. That has only happened once in my life, I didn't have that much alcohol and when the Joe incident happened, I was three days sober.

I'm doing a lot of research on Pan right now and enjoying every minute of it. I am doing some artistic things as well with equal enjoyment. Things changed the weekend of Pantheacon.

I feel like crap. My back has been very painful for two weeks now and I've had too many pain killers. So, even when it doesn't hurt, I feel the lingering effects as my body detoxes. I'm not even 'clean' before it hurts again the cycle repeats. This suck but the rest of life is great!

A Minute of Your Time

I have the opportunity to create a few one minute spots called The Magick Minute for the Pagan Radio Network. If the listeners like the segments, it could be a regular. I am trying to figure out exactly how to organize this. Making a minute's worth of words informative can be a bit difficult.

Teachers

There has been some talk amongst the blogging friends about teachers and exploiters. The talk belies the American attitude that is best encapsulated on a bumper sticker, Shit Happens. We (Americans) are, for all our patriotic (sometimes misguided) optimism and our rugged individualism, a nation of misanthropes. This sucks, that sucks and this other thing sucks harder than a new Hoover.

I saw another bumper sticker today, Good Happens. Excellent. So, let me share a bit about teachers.

When I stopped doing magick badly by myself, I joined a group and did magick badly with them. Their magick may or may not have been great. I leave that decision to be made by the gods, who have a much better perspective than I. However, I was miserable. Even were I to give them 100% credit for being the world's best whatevers, they were not for me. My official mentor in that group actually ordered me not to read. Had I had the brain of a half smart chimp, I would have left then.

But since, I've encountered other teachers. At Pantheacon, I saw Lon Milo Duquette. I thanked him for Enochian Vision Magick and told him that it came at just the right time. His book had removed obstacles. His reply? "That is my job."

I have mentor. He's never fortified my obstacles but helped me past them when I could not help myself. More often, he gave me the tools to climb over them, move around them, assimilate them, or make the mountain a mole hill. I have no reason to believe he hasn't done that for others. Though, I will mention with no slight toward him, he isn't perfect. My relationship with him is not one of blind adoration.

The new leader of my former group dropped one by day unexpectedly for a chat. In that chat was healing. She asked for nothing in return.

At Pantheacon, I attended some classes run by Jason Mankey. He has helped me to understand Pan. He didn't go to Pantheacon with the idea of helping Frater POS. He went because he provides a service. As part of that, he kindly responded to an email asking for a book recommendation on Pan. I dropped a $100 on the book. I've read ten pages. Between what I experienced at Jason's rituals and my prep for his ritual (taught by my mentor) and the first ten pages of that book, so much about my former group makes more sense. So much about me makes more sense. A healing, from what was for me a huge psychological trauma, is underway.

Jason asked for nothing. In fact, it cost him about $1,000 to attend Pantheacon. He performed a service. Being of service is not about getting a gratuity, it is about being grateful enough to share. Lon Milo, my mentor, Jason Mankey, teachers all. Teachers in a positive way. Teachers that understand service.

Lon makes a buck (a small one) for providing his service. The others do not. That doesn't diminish Lon at all.

To them, I make the same promise I have made to those that have initiated me. When I am ready, I will do the same for others as you have done for me.

Looking For Info

Has anyone read any really good books on Dionysus? I'm looking for good historical research about his nature and how he was worshipped/contacted by the ancients. I am not looking for some neopagan rehash garbage about what a wonderful drunk version of Jesus he was/is.

I know that there were human sacrifices made to him etc. I want to understand his festivals, his lore etc. as researched by serious scholarly types.

If anyone can point me to anything I'd appreciate it. Even if it to someone else that may be able to help, it would be a start.

I Want To Do Too Much

During my early stages studying GD, I remember once asking my mentor can you do X too much? He laughed and said, "I don't know. The usual problem is getting folks to do things once or twice not stopping them from doing it too much. Why not try and let me know how it works out?" He has a line he likes to use, "Running a lodge allows me to experiment on my friends." Don't take that as cynical as it sounds. He deeply cares for each of his students and watches over them closely.

Well, I found out you can do X too much. At least, I could at that stage in my work. However, it culminated in a working that broke a stalker awau from my ex-wife and a friend of hers. So, I regret it not for a single moment. No damaged occurred to me either, except for my personal ritual work getting a bit squirrely and out of control.

Today, I want to do some Enochian, work with Pan and Dionysus and begin work with some trantric breathing. However, given my back still hurts and I'm still on drugs, all of those are bad ideas. But I want to WORK! I want to work them all by the end of the week. It is a good thing It learned that one can do too much early on.

I have studied the Greek Folk Religion book today and I do like it. Sometimes the author reaches conclusions that are obvious to him but not to me. Either he is occassionally full of it or he knows so much he feels certain background information is a given. Regardless, I am learning and studying the material.

This weekend I also did some more wood burning. I am not as pleased with this as I was the first one but this one is more complicated. What does that have to do with magick? Well, my interest in it came with my encounter with Pan. I had no idea he was a god of creativity. So, doing this sort of work is an odd sort of tribute to him or at least a nod in that direction.